BEWARE THE TIDES OF MARCH!

FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY JULIE CAESAR WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT TIDAL FLUCTUATIONS…..   But perhaps the emperor was not an “out-going” fellow after all!  In any case, “Idus Marti,” (Latin) corresponds with March 15th (two days from now) so you should be aware of “March Madness” in all of its many forms.  Personally, I think April 15th is a much scarier day, that being “Tax Day” in the good old U.S. of A.    I imagine it would be even more scary if I actually had a job.

Speaking of March Madness, did you know the “Ides” were determined by the full moon, and were usually the 13th day of the month?  (Hence the number “13” being unlucky.)

In Bill Shakespeare’s play, “Julius Caesar,” the emperor is warned about the ides of March by a soothsayer.  Sooth you say?  Yes, and the sooth told the truth, but that was uncouth.  The emperor did not believe him, but he finally “got the point.”  As he fell in the Roman forum (or maybe he fell against ‘um) Caesar said,  “Et tu, Brute?”    Brutus replied, “I’ve never killed an emperor, so I thought I’d take a “stab at it.”    (I don’t make these things up, folks.)  In any case, poor Caesar “got the shaft,” so to speak.  Mark Anthony, who was married to Jennifer Lopez but dating Cleopatra, spoke at the funeral and gave a pretty good speech.  (I think he and Jen sang a duet, but don’t quote me on that.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel too sorry for Julius Caesar.  Granted, he turned red when he was stabbed.  (Some folks think he became an “Orange Julius.”)  However, on the flip side of that coin, how many of us have a popular salad named in our honor?  You see, friends, always look for the silver lining.  (Just pray it’s not a sword!)

Incidentally, did I mention that I was named after Julius Caesar?  True fact.  He was born and named on July 13, 100 B.C.  (And I was born and named “after” that.)  For those of you who went to public school in Chicago, B.C. stands for “Before Christ.”  (I think A.D. means “after dat.”)

And since we are on the subject of Rome…..  Please, do not join the write-in campaign to have me elected Pope!  I would love to live in Italy, and drown my sorrows in Chianti, but I must finish the 4th “Adam Gold Mystery Novel.”  (RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)    To paraphrase General William Tecumseh Sherman…..   “I will not accept if nominated, will not serve if elected, and if served, I will not eat my pasta!”  I trust this puts an end to the rampant speculation about yours truly becoming the next Pope.  In all likelihood, the next Pope will be Catholic, which is probably very important to the Cardinals.  Don’t worry about me.  I have a lot of yard-work to do.

Thank you friends, Romans, and countrymen for lending me your ears.  (Actually, it was your eyes, but who’s keeping track?)  I leave you with a sincere blessing to enjoy your week.  (Hey,  I like this blessing stuff.  Maybe I should reconsider my position about becoming the next Pope.)  Go forth and multiply, or if you don’t enjoy math, read a good book.  (I’d start with THE PRESLEY PLOT!)  I wish you well and would remind you of one salient fact…..  Please remember that the difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth!

Viaggio in pace, my fellow pilgrims…..    Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE!

OOPS, TOO LATE… NOW YOU HAVE TO READ MY ENTIRE BLOG POST…

SO….. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or smart phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?  Well, almost no one.  CNN reports that there are 500 “sightings” per month, but alas, most are aircraft (earthly ones) or weather balloons.  I recently read that both Jimmy Carter and Dennis Kucinich are among the political class who swear to have seen a UFO.  Somehow, this does not surprise me.  I always wondered where their “home districts” really were.

Of course, there is another explanation… perhaps our intergalactic visitors have been furloughed due to the sequester?  Takes a lot of fuel to go from Mars to Earth, and then there are the tolls.  Not an easy trip.  (The AAA map weighs 75 pounds!)

Well, in any case, I am not interested in heading north.  No sir, my motto this week was “Go west, young man!”  Heeding the words of Horace Greeley, I packed up the old Ford pickup and drove west, bound for a sold-out book signing/speaking engagement in the lovely town of Wimberley, Texas.  (No, I did not go to Wimberley on a whim!)

I was actually invited, and I must admit, Wimberley is quite whimsical in a wonderful way.  (Whew!)  This was not my first trip to the lovely burgh, but the last time I was there I went swimming in the famous “blue hole,” a charming, spring-fed spot on Cypress Creek.  If you haven’t seen this little gem, you owe it to yourself to take a drive out yonder.  (If you go in April, you will see some truly amazing fields of Texas wildflowers.)  Did you know that they named a flower after Dennis Rodman?  (It’s called a “bloomin’ idiot!”)

So what else is new…..  Well, last night we celebrated not one, but two birthdays!  Miss Barbara (Talbott) and Miss Patty (Yanoff) reached an important milestone.  (Actually, they are both several miles down the road, if you know what I mean.)  Together with a large crowd of well-wishers (led by Judge Susan, and Helena and Lee Bomblatus) we ate, drank, made merry.  (Merry was our waitress.)  Thank God she didn’t complain about my tip.  Geez, that would have been embarrassing!

During the birthday festivities, Judge Susan gave me a box of cheese pockets from a famous Dallas bakery (No, I will NOT post the name…. the lines are getting too long!) and as I peck away, I am devouring the last tender morsels of my morning treat.  Bless you, Susan.

I will be sharing a beer or two with Larry Brill on Tuesday, so if you would like to meet this (semi) famous television personality, or learn about his forthcoming literary efforts, drop by North by Northwest around 5 p.m.  (We should still be erect by then.)

After my sterling (make that silver-plated) performance at the poker table last week, I will be putting my title on the line this evening…. as I play in another W.S.O.P. tournament, challenged, as it were, by a host of pretenders-to-the-throne.  Knaves!  Varmints!  Visigoths!  (What the hell is that?)  Do these fools really think they can beat the mighty COBRA?   Have they read THE PRESLEY PLOT?  Have they read MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE?   (I couldn’t think of any other way to get the book titles into the blog.)  Never mind, those are just rhetorical questions.

I will leave you with a thought I recently had.  As I was driving back from Wimberly, I spotted a herd of cattle.  Have you heard of cattle?  I digress… So as I’m driving down the highway, I says to myself, “Steve, I says, who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out.’ ”   Now there’s a fellow I’d like to meet.  (Need I mention that he had a “lot of pull?”)  Got Milk?

Well, I must run… another grueling day of writing, eating, drinking, and poker awaits the mighty Cobra!  I hope everyone has a great week….   don’t forget to set your clocks ahead or back, depending on your political persuasion.  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

THE COBRA IS KING!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE…..  I THOUGHT ELVIS WAS THE KING??

Well, as it turns out, Elvis was the king of rock ‘n’ roll, but THE MIGHTY COBRA is now the king of poker!  Ladies and gentlemen, modesty prevents me from talking about myself, so I’ve decided to write a 10-page blog about my recent accomplishment.  Wait!  Don’t leave!  I was just kidding!  (I think I can adequately describe my victory in 5 or 6 full length pages.)  Then again, the goal is not to put my blog followers to sleep, so perhaps I shall present the abbreviated version of my glorious victory…..

Last night, poker history was made (up) when yours truly, playing professional poker as the dreaded COBRA, slithered back upon his throne, capturing FIRST PLACE at the Main Event of the W.S.O.P.  (Waterloo Series Of Poker)  The venue, located just south of Las Vegas, was filled with the world’s best poker players, representing every crook and cranny, I mean nook and cranny, in this great card playing country of ours.  Why there were people from all 51 states, 12 European nations, two third-world countries, and Arkansas!  Yes sir, that joint was jumpin’!

For those of you that care (mainly my relatives) the going was tough, but as you know, when the going gets tough, the tough get lucky.  I can tell you one thing, they do not make men like me any more.  (Thank God.)  I managed to survive the first round by getting an ace-high flush on the flop.  (Unfortunately for Miss Kathleen, a/k/a “Mean Kathleen The Poker Machine,” she also had a flush, but a lower one.)  I was catapulted onto the final table (actually, I tripped) by winning a huge pot from one of the great poker stars of Texas…..  Ms. Sharon “Bad Barth” Barth.  Sharon had a good hand, but I “rivered” a full house…..  kings over tens!

The final table, now covered in cold, hard cash, spilled beer, and dabs of ketchup, was a real doozy.  As some of you know, they bring the cash out in a wheelbarrow, surrounded by scantily clad, voluptuous young ladies.  (All of them virgins.)  Well, maybe not all of them.  Anyway, when the smoke cleared (the dealer was also dealing marijuana) there were three of us left standing.  All right, we were sitting, but you get the point.  Surrounded by lights, cameras, and action (I told you they weren’t all virgins) the Cobra dispatched a young gun named “Billy The Kidder.”  (I made a straight on the river!)  That pot, believe it or not, contained about $400,000 in chips!  The young lad kept calling my bets, but the old snake taught him a good lesson about respecting one’s elders.  The final hand of the night, saw the mighty Cobra win another huge pot ($600,000 in chips!) when he was blessed with TWO KINGS in the hole, and triumphed over his opponent’s straight draw.

Sooooooo……  as you can see, our little tale is truly about TWO KINGS…… Elvis and me, and those lovely cards!  Now that I am filthy rich (some say just filthy) I intend to slow down and enjoy life.  Sadly, I realized that I was already retired and completely slowed down, so I have to come up with another game plan.  If you have any ideas about jobs or work, please keep them to yourself.  (The doctor said no stress.)  I shall, as they say, muddle through on my own.  Speaking of muddling….. did you know that on this very day, in 1956, Elvis Presley (The subject of that famous mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT) received his second speeding ticket in Memphis, Tennessee?

I am debating whether to conclude this blog.  To be honest, I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure…..

Before I leave, I wish to thank the eminent Dr. Max Talbott for his thoughtful gift… a renewal subscription of my favorite magazine, GARDEN  & GUN!  If you folks want to read a truly marvelous magazine, then this one is for you.  Every article is well written and extremely informative.  Thanks, buddy!

In leaving, I would suggest that you take my advice about filling out medical forms.  When you are wasting away in the doctor’s office, filling out an application for the tenth time, and you come to the place where it says, “Who should we notify in case of an emergency?” ……….  write in “THE DOCTOR!”    (If nothing else, you will receive a free sample of Prozac.)

Enjoy your weekend….   love to all….

Doc Yanoff

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT POKER AGAIN!   AU CONTRAIRE!   (Although there remains some doubt as to whether I am “playing with a full deck!”)

I am happy to report that this week was “Book Club Week” here at the Ponderosa Ranch.  On Monday I had the pleasure of driving down to lovely La Grange, Texas, a charming village approximately 65 miles southeast of Austin.  Whence I arrived, I was warmly welcomed at the Texas Czech Heritage and Cultural Center.  (There were no “bad Czechs” present!)  After a rather brilliant oration, I moseyed on over to Weikel’s Bakery (for a homemade kolache) and then stopped briefly at Prause Meat Market (to sample the smoldering pits!) and pump out my stomach.  I was fortunate to meet the mayor of the town, and during our conversation, I suggested a “town motto.”  (I.E., “Keep Austin Weird”)   Every town has one, I said to his honor.  So….. I suggested this little doosey…..   “The Range near La Grange ain’t too Strange!”     (I’ve been waiting for my first royalty check from the city fathers, and just to be nice, I offered to accept payment in kolaches.)

AND NOW FOR A SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK……    On Tuesday I had one of the very best deep tissue massages of my life!  (Courtesy of Ms. Rebecca Lee, my jet setter daughter who is off to Hawaii and Japan on Tuesday)  If you live in Austin, you must contact the one and only Melinda Perez  (melindaperez.lmt@gmail.com) and you will not be disappointed!  The young lady is simply divine!  (I should know, because I have been touched by many women (the price of fame) and because when I was a lad, I wanted to be a massage therapist!)  However, they told me that I “rubbed people the wrong way,” so I did not purse my rubbing license.  Ah well, Melinda is much better.

FAST FORWARD TO THURSDAY!  (Evening)   Another stellar (actually, cellar) performance….. this time at the most famous and influential book club in LAKEWAY!   Due to popular demand (and a slow week) my agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, was able to “book me” at the Lakeway mansion of Mrs. Jaime Rubenstein, the leading Grand Dame of Literature in the Central Texas area.  My goodness, what a treat!  The dear woman served a formal sit-down dinner (with chairs!) in her beautiful dining room, complete with high quality wines (with corks!) superb place settings (with forks!) and a meal fit for….. a KING!  (Obviously a reference to the book we discussed…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT.)    It was not easy being surrounded by good food and wine, and a roomful of women hanging on my every word, but I managed to maintain my composure, keep most of my clothes on, and deliver another sterling performance.  (the forks were sterling, too.)   I wish to thank Madame Rubenstein for arranging this wonderful event.  A fine time was had by all!

SPEAKING OF FINE TIMES……   Happy Birthday Wishes to Jill Crocker and Carol Yondola Finkelstein, two lovely ladies who are celebrating their 39th birthday this week!  (Did I get the age thing right, ladies?)

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS……   Last Tuesday was ELVIS PRESLEY’S birthday.  If the King had lived, do you know how old he would be?  (Better sit down for this one)   Incredibly, Elvis would be 78 years old!   Yikes, how time flies when you’re having fun!

AND SPEAKING OF FUN…..  The famous art department at Aberdeen Bay Publishers came up with a “knock-out” book cover for my second mystery novel, titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I simply loved the initial design, and was blown away by how it caught the eye.  (No hints!)  However, I can tell you that the cover is very mysterious (duh) and very unusual in a good sense.  If I am permitted to do so, I will post a “rough draft” of the cover on a future blog.

Finally, since several of my brilliant blog followers have inquired about upcoming projects, let me share some news with thee…..   The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE) is being professionally edited as we speak, and it should be at the typist some time around March 15th, 2013.   The fourth book in the series, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, is being written at a slightly slower pace, not because of “writer’s block,” but because I am busy putting the finishing touches on my first NON-FICTION book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  (THE UNTOLD STORY OF AMERICA’S MOST BIZZARE POLITICAL MURDER)     God willing, the non-fiction book will be published some time during the summer.  I think you folks are really going to enjoy this one, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I (finally) won the Pulitzer Prize.  (Depends on the dang judges.)  I wish there was a way to bribe those dudes.

Anyway, I digress.  I trust I have answered your various inquiries.  Please keep those cards and letters (and royalty checks) coming.  I do appreciate your blog loyalty and look forward to chatting with you again in the very near future.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

THE GANG THAT COULDN’T SHOOT STRAIGHT!

WELL, NOW THAT WE FIND OURSELVES TEETERING ON THE EDGE OF A FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE…..   IT’S TIME FOR…..SOME HUMOR!!

(Hey, laughter is the best medicine, remember?)   All right, I was just trying to envision the upcoming Senate hearings….  The hearings that will determine our next Secretary of the Treasury (assuming that Timothy Geithner is run out of town.)   Sooooo…. perhaps it’s time to turn over the reins of government to a couple of “Marxists.”   (Stay with me on this one!)  Here goes:

GROUCHO:  Wake up, Chicoletti.  How would you like to be the next Secretary of the Treasury?

CHICO:  I don’t think so.  My legs are too hairy.

GROUCHO:  What’s your view of the fiscal picture?

CHICO:  That was a good movie.

GROUCO:  Come again?

CHICO:  “A Fiscal Full of Dollars.”  Eastwood in Deadwood.

GROUCHO:  (Sighing)  What can you tell me about currency?

CHICO:  Well, I currency live in New York.

GROUCHO:  No, you idiot, I’m referring to dollars!

CHICO:  My cousin lives in Dallas

GROUCHO:  I’m talking about taxes!

CHICO:  Yeah, that’s where he lived.  Dollars, taxes.

Ah, if only George S. Kaufman and the gang were alive today!  What a (W.C.) field day they would have with Washington, D.C.    So…….since we are on the subject of “political theatre,” I would like to give you my take on some recent issues in the press…..

My high school buddy, Pete Weisberg, read that President Obama recently won a man date!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Just saying.)

My Republican sweetheart (Barbaroo Talbott) heard that Eric Holder has already asked for one exemption to the upcoming “assault weapons ban.”   (Eric the Red wants to exempt all Mexican Drug Cartels!)  Si?

I just heard on the news that the Russians have banned all American adaptations!   Commie bastards.  (There goes my screenplay of “THE PRESLEY PLOT!”)

I was out of town when the Mayan Apocalypse occurred.   Does anybody know if the world actually ended?  Just drop me a line, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

SPEAKING OF WORLD CHANGING EVENTS…..   Some of my (more) alert blog followers have inquired about last week’s WATERLOO POKER CHAMPIONSHIPS.  NO, I DID NOT WIN!   However, (you’d better sit down) Patty Yanoff, a/k/a “The Corpus Christi Crusher,” WON FIRST PLACE AND A WHEELBARROW FULL OF CASH!!!    Yep, you have read correctly.  The wife actually won the whole darn tournament!  (Without cheating!)   I would have been very proud of the dear woman, except for one thing.  She kept the wheelbarrow and gave the money to charity!  (How selfish is that!)  I normally split my winnings with her, but not any more!  Jeez, giving money to charity?  Really?  (Poor girl is clueless!)

AND FOR YOU ELVIS DIE-HARDS……  Did you know that on this day, in 1957, the album “Elvis’ Christmas Album” became the NUMBER ONE album in the United States?  In my humble view, this is arguably one of the best holiday albums of all time.  (Although, Johnny Mathis also put out an amazing album.)  I do hope that nobody had a “Blue Christmas!”  Which, incidentally, was the King’s FAVORITE Christmas song of all time!

I don’t want to scare anybody, but on this day, in 1862, the U.S.S. Monitor sank!  (Back to the fiscal cliff?)  Yikes.

Finally, for you literary types, did  you know that on this day, in 1816, Shelley married Mary?  (I should explain that this would be Percy Bysshe SHELLEY and MARY Wollstonecraft)  Two fun people from the nineteenth century.  Neither one of them had a sense of humor, but they were above average writers.  (No mystery novels.)  Well, that’s more than enough academia for one blog, eh?  Fine, I shall return to the gutter!  I just saw a truly bad movie.  “Les Miserables.”  It was miserable!  Lots of dancing and singing, and very few guillotine scenes.  What’s up with that?  I wanted to see Hugh Jackman “lose his head” over some French chick.  You know, observe a true “slice of life” from the Revolution.  I thought the movie was going to be a “cut above,” the usual Hollywood garbage, but I was wrong.  (Hey, I could have gone with the director yelling, “CUT!”)

Well, I’d better quit while I’m “ahead.”  (Oops!)    Sorry about that last one.  I hope you all have a HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!  GOD BLESS US ALL!

Love to all…..   Doc Yanoff

THE PRESLEY PLOT MAKES HISTORY!!

THIS BETTER BE GOOD SINCE I USED TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!!   Well, actually, it is very, very good.  For the first time since the Bronze Age (or maybe it was the Iron Age) Aberdeen Bay Press, the world’s foremost publisher of brilliant mystery novels, has decided to publish a SECOND EDITION of a book within a six month period!!  (There are those two exclamation points again.)  Would you like to guess the name of this best-selling book?  That’s right…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT!

Due to popular demand (and the fact that Amazon.com only has 3 copies left!) the publisher is re-issuing my book.   And here’s the best part….  they have gone through the book with a fine tooth comb and corrected every spelling and typographical error that was in the first edition!  Soooooo…..  if you need a wonderful, enchanting, entertaining novel for the holiday gift giving season (and you can’t find FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY) zip on over to Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com and order you brand new, fully revised copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  (Your brain will thank you!)  Incidentally…..   the new edition already has a pre-order of over 200 books!!  So remember, he who hesitates, is lost!

If you are one of the lovely young ladies who is awaiting a book (Ms. Baum and Mrs. Isler) be patient!  I will send one along as soon as they become available!

NOW FOR SOME OTHER ELVIS NEWS…….

Did you know that there is a “Little Graceland” in Texas?  True enough.  In the Rio Grande Valley town of Los Fresnos, Simon Vega curates a treasure trove of Elvis memorabilia at his LITTLE GRACELAND MUSEUM.  (Mr. Vega actually served in the Army with Elvis!)  The museum has pictures of Elvis, Elvis albums, Elvis 45’s (not the pistols) Elvis statues, Elvis mugs, and Elvis enchiladas.  (Just joshing about the food.)   In any case, the museum is open Thursday thru Sunday.  10 a.m. to 5 p.m. by appointment.  The next “Elvis Festivale” is set for January, 12, 2013, so if you’re in the area, swing by and join the fun.  I have spent some time down in the Valley and can honestly say that it is a warm and charming location…. and the residents are simply wonderful.

NOW FOR SOME FINAL, EXCITING NEWS…….

Keep your eyes and ears focused on The New York Times, Fox News, Variety, and Popular Mechanics, for some very exciting news concerning the SECOND ADAM GOLD MYSTERY NOVEL!   That’s right, my friends, book number two will be available in the not-too-distant future!  The book is titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  This time around, Adam Gold will become entangled in a hunt for Captain Kidd’s treasure!  The book has already received some glowing reviews, and if you believe the literary pundits, it is destined to become another best selling mystery novel.  I shall, as they say, keep you apprised of the situation!

Until then, I remain, your humble correspondent.  (Which is better than being a bumbling despondent.)   Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

KINGS AND QUEENS AND JOKERS ARE….. KEEN!

WELL, BY NOW YOU’VE HEARD THE BIG NEWS FROM BENGHAZI…..   NO, not that news, the results of the LIBYAN NATIONAL POKER TOURNAMENT!

Actually, according to the Wold Series of Poker International Committee (The same folks who nominated me for the Nobel Prize in Literature) the tournament should be called the “Waterloo & Beef Wellington Poker Championship.”   As many of you know, I am not only the author of THE PRESLEY PLOT, America’s best new mystery novel, but also the owner, lone faculty member, and janitor of the Austin-based C.P.A.   (Cobra Poker Academy)  Well….. I am very proud to announce that one of my graduate students, Dr. Max Talbott, recently won the aforementioned tournament with flying colors!!  (Red, white, and blue.)  As you’ve probably read, Max was voted “Most Likely To Secede” by his classmates.  (A doctoral student named Barbara placed second, and has asked for a recount, but I think she’s whistling “Dixie,” if you get my reference!)   In any case, congratulations, Max.  You look lovely in your new tiara.  (A “crowning” achievement by any standard!)

Incidentally, while I’m in a congratulatory mood, I would like to acknowledge Ms. Rhonda Sebastian, a dear friend and colleague, who won the annual “Steiner Ranch Beer & Barbecue Championship” last Thursday.  Rhonda won a pickup full of cash and impressed everyone (including the Cobra) will her brilliant play.  Believe it or not, she actually managed to beat me a couple of times, but I think she was cheating.  (She had better cards.)  Well done, Ms. Rhonda!

By the way, for those of you who wish to improve your lives, win lots of money, and make some new friends at the I.R.S., you should follow Rhonda’s example and become a BLOG FOLLOWER!  Ms. R was an early follower and has remained loyal through all of my trials (many of which ended in a hung jury) and tribulations (losing the Nobel Prize to a South American Goat Rancher)  Thank you, Rhonda!

Interestingly, my card playing has lead to some wonderful marketing opportunities for THE PRESLEY PLOT.  For instance, last week I was one of the gift sponsors at the huge Steiner Ranch tournament which attracted attractive players from all five corners (make that, four corners) of Travis County and from several other counties in the Republic of Texas.  As a gesture of my appreciation for Rich & Sharon Walker and the great Kevin Evans, I brought six autographed copies of my book to the tournament.  Coincidentally, six lucky players won copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT, and now their lives are more or less complete.  One player was willing to trade his cash winnings (approximately $4,479.62 for a copy of my book, but alas, none were available.  Tough luck, Eric Ohlson.)  Frankly, if I had won the damn tournament it would have been a perfect evening!

And speaking of perfect evenings……  Tarzan and Jane (Adam and Rachel) will be returning from South Africa tomorrow night!  They enjoyed their safari immensely, but said that some of the big cats do not play poker fairly.  (One of them was a cheetah!)  By sheer coincidence, the lady who ran the lodge was a cougar!  (Her contract contained a special “claws.”)  All right, enough bad animal jokes.  The natives are getting restless.  I will simply conclude by telling you that my daughter sent me a cute photograph of a Ubangi mother urging her child to finish his dinner.  The caption reads:  “If you don’t finish your missionary, you don’t get dessert!”   So precious.  (I was going to use the word “tender” but I didn’t want to gross anyone out.)

Well, my friends, I shall say goodbye for now (before I cause another international incident) and wish you well in all of your pursuits.  Enjoy our lovely fall.  I shall write again soon…….

The imminent author and world traveler…….

Doc Yanoff