Graceland

May 28, 2013

STRANGER IN PARADISE…..

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS LOVELY SONG?  It’s from the 1953 Broadway show KISMET.  Well, I can tell you one thing, it certainly feels strange to be a stranger in paradise, but I’m starting to get used to the life of a beach bum.  I am composing this blog on the magnificent island of St. John, one of the most beautiful isles in the Caribbean.  If you recall from my last missive, I am down here with my pirate crew scouting out film locations for MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  (Which actually takes place in the Bahamas, but what’s the difference?)  My fellow bucaneers and I have rented a luxurious villa high upon a hillside, overlooking Cruz Bay.  The villa is incredibly large, and amazingly, it came with 3 attractive female servants.  (Our wives!)  Ouch, my wife just punched me!  Jeez, I was only (half) joking.

I have not sold a huge amount of books this past week, but only because of spiritual concerns.  (I am consuming a great deal of spirits and concerned about making change!)  Nonetheless, the locals have become quite fond of me, and except for the old woman in the voodoo shop, I can honestly say that most folks have been very gracious to us.  (Considering how many of their chickens we have run over.)  Down here they let their kids roam freely.  (Kids meaning baby goats.)  They also have wild donkeys that take over the roads whenever they feel so inclined.  (I like to drive by them and yell, “Hey, get your dumb ass off the road!”)  Yeah, I am one funny guy.

Marie Fondue, the voodoo woman, told my friends that she’s making a doll for me.  (Or maybe that was “of me,” I’m not sure.)  In any case, it will be ready tomorrow, just in time for my birthday!  On top of everything else, tomorrow is my birthday, and how lucky I am to be spending it down here with some close friends!  I honestly couldn’t think of a better place to celebrate.  Every morning, Lee Bomblatus(the most famous snorkel guide in the western hemisphere) takes me to some remote location on the island and we spend the morning in the most impossibly clear water on earth.  Today we went to a spot called East End, on the very eastern tip of the island, and we snorkeled in what can only be described as the world’s largest aquarium!  I have never seen so many colorful fish in my life.  OMG, was it amazing.

Each morning Lee and I (and sometimes our compadres) drive to a different bay, and by tomorrow or the day after, we will have vistited just about every bay on St. John.  Even though I am a future Pulitzer Prize-winning author, I could never adequately describe how much ocean life we have seen on this trip.  I am happy to report that the coral reefs are in good shape, and teeming with all sorts of fish.  If you ever want to see what God can do when He’s in a good mood, just come down here and jump in the water.  Truly breathtaking.

I know that many of you (especially those abroad) are wondering what you can get me for my birthday.  Well, thanks for your kind thoughts, but I don’t need a thing.  (Although I am running a little low on limes)  If you want to do something nice, just keep spreading the word about THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  After all, I am going to be in debt whence I return to the United States of America.  (Hey, good rum don’t come cheap, mon!)

Well, my loves, cool runnin’ and all that good stuff.  Remember, “don’t worry, be happy!”  Oggie boogie, shake that noogie!

Stephen “Rasta Mon” Yanoff

 

 

 

May 25, 2013

PIRATE OF THE CARIBBEAN!

AHOY MATES!  SHIVER ME TIMBERS (IF YOU’RE COLD) AND HOIST YOUR PATARD!  (WHATEVER THAT IS)…..  GREETINGS FROM THE LOVELY CARIBBEAN ISLAND OF….. ST. THOMAS!  My pirate gang and I have landed in Charlotte Amalie, the crown jewel of the Virgin Islands.  (I haven’t met any Virgins, but there are lots of nice folks willing to take your money for this and that)  We (the pirate gang) have rented a gorgeous villa up on a lush tropical hillside, overlooking Cruz Bay.  As you might imagine, the view and the jungle-like scenery are simply fantastic.  Lush green hills, million of colorful tropical flowers and plants, blue sky, and aquamarine marine water!  OMG this place is paradise!  (Much nicer than the Jersey shore)

The wife and I have a huge first floor suite, with a po0l just outside the front door.  All of the rooms in the villa are decorated with polished mahagony wood, which is somewhat immune to the elements down here.  By now you’re probably wondering about my schedule, eh?  Well, when I’m not working on book number four (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) my typical day goes like this…..  Sleep late, drink some  wonderful island coffee, drive to one the drop-dead beautiful beaches on the island, swim and snorkel, get some sun, dry off, head for some delicious lunch place, eat mahi mahi burger, drink one or two Carib beers, one rum drink, take nap, wake up slowly, get dressed, head for dinner on the bayfront, stuff myself again, more rum, short walk, stumble back to villa, take Alka-Seltzer, go to sleep.  Repeat in morning.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…..  living the life of a famous alcolholic sun-worshipping writer ain’t so easy.  (All right, it’s very easy, but the sun tan lotion is rather expensive down here.)  In case you’re wondering, the restaurants on the island are incredible.  Lots of very fresh fish, and some marvelous ethnic restaurants.  (Cajun, Creole, French, etc.)  Each feast is accompanied by a copious amount of rum, washed down with some surprisingly good local beers.  If I remember right, we have not had a bad meal yet.

Tonight we six are heading for a famous Spanish tavern frequented by pirates, outlaws, scoundrels, scofflaws, and politicians.  The house specialty is lobster paella, which is usually served with homemade sangria.  This could be a long night for yours truly!  By the way, do you know how much a pirate pays for corn on the cob?  That’s right, a “buck-an-ear!”  (I think the rum is starting to affect my brain!)

Speaking of things that have affected my brain, I would like to thank the Delray Beach Book Club for purchasing 100 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  This was a very generous gesture, and one that is greatly appreciated.  I would also like to thank the Boca Raton Book Club (the Royal Palm Yacht Club Chapter) for inviting me to speak to their group.  I spent a wonderful afternoon in one of the most beautiful neighborhoods in America, and I also managed to peddle 50 copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT.  What a great couple of days in sunny Florida!

Well, my dear family and friends, stay well and please do not worry about me…..   I still have 8 more days of Caribbean fun on the agenda, plenty of sunscreen, and four bottles of Ron Flor de Cana Rum!  Life is good!  (Where did I put those limes?)  Love to all…..

Capt. Jolly Roger Yanoff, The Terror of Tortola!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 19, 2013

SHECKY AND THE BANDIT!

TEN-FOUR GOOD BUDDIES, THIS IS THE RED RIDER COMIN’ DOWN INTERSTATE THIRTY, WHICH IS LOOKIN’ PURTY.  NO SMOKIES IN THE POKIES, SO Y’ALL CAN PUT THE METAL TO THE PETAL!

Yeah, as you can see, I’ve been spending way too much time on the Interstate.  The Highway Hotshot and I have been pushing the old eighteen-wheeler as fast as she can go, and we’ve covered quite a bit of ground.  Heck, we’ve gone from the Lone Star State to the Interstate, and then up to the Blue Grass State, down to the Peach State, and over to the Sunshine State!  (Now we’re in a state of confusion!)

We “landed” in Boca Raton two days ago, and just between you and me, it’s nice to be off the road for a while.  Now we have time to focus on the really important things in life….. food and alcohol.  Our “re-education” began at a wonderful Greek restaurant just north of here.  My generous (and fabulously wealthy) brother, Glenn, and his beautiful wife, Grace, took us out for dinner and we ate like kings!  (Think humus, warm pita bread, feta cheese, olives, grilled octopus, fresh fish, lobster, shrimp. scallops, mussels, clams, and of course, moussaka!)  OMG, what a way to start (or continue) a vacation!

Proving that we do NOT (contrary to popular belief) base our vacations upon dinner festivities, we also had an incredible lunch today.  Those of you that grew up back east know that the BEST pastrami in the world can be found a  Jewish Deli, and down here in Boca Raton they have one of the best…..  The world famous “Flakowitz Deli!”  (YES, THAT IS THE REAL NAME OF THE PLACE!)  Well, since we are gluttons (for food and punishment) we ate there today, and had the pleasure of consuming a gigantic pastrami sandwich, a potato knish, and several cans of Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda.  Needless to say, we are stuffed, and we will not be eating a thing until dinner.  (Hey, what time is it?)

The weather down here is hot and sunny, which is not too surprising, since we are in south Florida.  We (the Yanoff organization) are about to head to the beach to catch some rays.  (No, not sting rays.  We only eat tuna, but they are difficult to catch by hand.)  Anyway, after we turn and burn, we will be going to a marvelous local taverna for some delicious Italian food.  (God, I hope I don’t get pasta poisoning again!)  Look for my delectable review in the days ahead.

Well, my friends, time to lather up!  Be well, be happy, and be careful!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

May 13, 2013

TUPELO IS TOO MUCH!

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS SONG?  “TOO MUCH?”

THE SONG WAS RECORDED BY ELVIS PRESLEY AND RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC ON SEPTEMBER 2, 1956…..  It quickly became a number one hit across the nation, but after today, I am convinced that the song was written about my book tour!  Why, you ask?  Because today was simply incredible!  We began the day by meeting Miss Ashley, a lovely young lady who worked at Starbucks.  She was kind enough to give us the phone number of a relative who knew THE KING.  (In case we wanted to ask a few questions!)  Our first stop in town was at the Tupelo Hardware Co., where Elvis bought his first guitar!   The young lad paid cash!  No strings attached!  (Actually, there were six strings, but who’s counting?)

Next stop, the Elvis Presley birthplace.  The gift shop was happy to feature my first mystery novel, THE PRESLEY PLOT, and we got a private tour of the facility!  Patty and I got to see some amazing sites, not available to the general public.  What a treat!  After a book signing/speaking engagement, we sold two cases of books!  We actually sold every book we had, and we also donated some copies to the “building fund.”  (They are building a new museum next year.)  The highlight of our tour was a special visit to Elvis Presley’s birthplace and private chapel.  OMG, was that interesting!  Wait until you hear the delightful “ghost stories” about the King’s house!  Fascinating stuff to be sure.

After a marvelous lunch (crab cakes and crawfish!) we drove out to the Priceville Cemetery, where Elvis Presley’s twin brother is buried.  Talk about spooky places!  Patty and I walked all around the grounds, but we couldn’t locate the grave of Jesse Garon Presley, the little lad who died at birth.  (Elvis Presley’s twin brother!)  When the sun began to set, it became incredibly scary, so we left.  (Remember the part in my book about the Choctaw Bonepickers??)  Some of the graves dated back to the Civil War, and there was absolutely nobody out there but us chickens.  (Thus we “hightailed it” back to the car before we wuz grabbed by a ‘taint!)  Yeah, I’ve got some photos to prove how crazy we are!

After signing some more autographs in the hotel lobby, we were taken to a fancy dinner by some dudes from the Chamber of Commerce.  They took us to the semi-famous Tupelo Grill, where we feasted upon the VERY BEST FISH we have ever tasted.  (Fresh gulf coast grouper, lightly fried in cornmeal, and topped with a bourbon-pecan sauce that was simply amazing.)  Good Lord, I am actually thinking about moving to Tupelo!

Tomorrow we leave for Birmingham, Alabama, and then it’s on to Atlanta, Georgia.  The magnolia trees are in full bloom, so you can imagine how pretty and fragrant the world seems to us.  (Patty is now introducing me as “Rhett” and I am telling folks that her name is “Scarlett.”  Unfortunately, her last name is “Fever!”)

Well, y’all take care, and cum back and see us sumtime….   Until then, hush my puppies and grind them grits….   Love to all,

Col. Beauregard Yanoff and Miss Primrose Patty, C.S.A.

May 12, 2013

CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE!

HALF A LEAGUE, HALF A LEAGUE, HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD!  (Why only half a league?  Another major league baseball strike?)  Who knows.  CANNON TO RIGHT OF THEM, CANNON TO LEFT OF THEM!  (Oh wait, those are toll booths.  My bad.)  Well, as you can see, my spring road trip/book signing tour got off to poetic and humorous start.  (Surprise, surprise.)  How so you ask?  Well, my darling wife decided to wash my sneakers the night before we left.  (She wanted me to make a good impression when we reached Tupelo!)  My friends, sneakers take a while to dry.  I won’t belabor the point, but let’s just say that the incident encouraged me to write a new screenplay…..  “Honey, I Shrunk The Keds!”

I could have reacted violently, or “conversely” I could have let bygones by bygones.  I took the high ground.  (I left her at a hilltop rest stop!)  Then I realized she had my wallet in her purse, so I returned to the scene of the crime.  How could she ruin my new sneakers?  Well, my friends, you are never too old to learn something stupid.  Thus began our memorable road trip!

Our first (planned) stop was Baton Rouge, which in French means “Baton Rouge.”  (Fooled you, didn’t I?)  In English, Baton Rouge means “red stick.”  (The city was built on the site of a tall cypress tree, redish in color.)  It must have been a mighty big stick, and it certainly has affected the residents.  (Most of them talk softly, but carry a big stick.)  I often talk softly and perform a little shtick.

According to a recent article in Garden and Gun Magazine (one of the best magazines in America) the very best hamburger in the country is to be found at Fat Cow Burgers in Baton Rouge….. close to the L.S.U. Campus.  Naturally, I had to stop there and see for myself.  Patty and I ordered the featured burger, which consisted of the following ingredients….  A toasted “potato bun” with a hand ground 8 oz. angus burger topped with Benton’s apple smoked bacon, Gruyere cheese, caramelized onion, fresh arugula, sliced tomato, and….. horseradish mayonnaise!  (Accompanied by thick, hand cut french fries!)  The verdict?  OMG.  They were truly wonderful!  (The draft Abita beer was also a nice touch.)  If you’re within 1,000 miles of Baton Rouge, just go.  You’ll thank me later!

Hey, today is Mother’s Day, and since I have the most wonderful mother in the world, I want to remind you to call your own mom and tell her how much you love her.  If you can’t get through, call my mom.  (But don’t call collect!)  I already tried that, and she won’t accept the charges.  (Hey, what’s up with that?)

Earlier today, I drove up to Tupelo, Mississippi in a VERY unusual fashion.  I was completely naked!  (Just kidding)  I drove up on the Natchez Trace Parkway, one of the oldest and most scenic routes in America.  The experience was nothing short of incredible, and I will go into more detail later.  My God, do we have a beautiful country!

Well, I’ve been on the road (actually inside a car) for the last 6 hours, so I need to bathe and go sleepyville.  I will write again soon, so look for my next post!  If you’ve enjoyed my writing, just remember….. stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism. Stealing from a group of people is called research!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 28, 2013

LIFE IS STRANGER THAN FICTION!

STRANGER THAN NONFICTION, TOO!  Have you folks been following “the Presley plot?”  No, not my brilliant, best-selling novel, but the Ricin-laced letters that have been sent to President Obama and Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi?  Whoa, talk about art imitating life!  The true (and thoroughly bizarre tale) took place in…..  Tupelo, Mississippi.  (The first major stop on my upcoming book tour!)  Get this….. one of the participants is an Elvis impersonator and the other worked in an insurance office!  (Do you think my book, THE PRESLEY PLOT, had a big influence on these clowns?)

The fellow that was first arrested (Paul Kevin Curtis) was apparently framed by a fellow impersonator (James Everett Dutschke) and was totally surprised when the F.B.I. showed up.  He thought he was being accused of sending “rice” in the mail!  (No joking.)  The poor guy had never heard of Ricin.  The feds arrested Curtis on some flimsy intelligence… First, he had an Uncle Ben.  Second, his girlfriend was pregnant when he married her, so the crowd threw “puffed rice” when they came out of the church.  Third, Curtis was a “kernel” in the Mississippi National Guard!  (My wife, Patty, wrote these last 3 jokes.  She knows a lot about rice.  You might say she’s a “rice Patty.”)

I will be in Tupelo for a book signing/speaking engagement on May 12th and 13th, so I will keep you informed of the case.   From there we head to Birmingham, Atlanta, Charleston, and then down to Boca Raton.  My wife’s cousin, the S.W.A.T. team guy, will be “house-sitting” while we’re gone.  I really like the guy, but he asked me if he could bring his “bitch.”  (His word, not mine.)  He travels with a Belgian Malinois, but I’m told he keeps her on a “tight leash” and that her bark is worse than her bite.  I’ve never met her, but I hear she’s a real dog.  Oh well, to each their own.

Hey, can somebody explain something to me?  Why do we bother to wash bath towels?  Aren’t we clean when we use them?  Just saying.

I have had a VERY busy week promoting my new book, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  On Tuesday, I spoke in Giddings, Texas, a charming little town southeast of Austin.  My hosts were very nice, and they seemed to be impressed that I knew something about the history of their town.  (Which was built on part of the land granted to Stephen F. Austin in 1821 for a colony in Spanish, Texas!)  The population of Giddings is 5,105, but there are 19 churches in town, so as you can see, Lee County might be called “The Holy Land.”

On Thursday I had my very first interview by a New York magazine dedicated to reviewing newly published novels.  I spent a full hour on the telephone, chatting about this and that, and promoting THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  Two months from now, a full-length book review will be available, and when I get it, I will post it on this blog.  The reporter will be reviewing the second book, which he seemed to like on the telephone.

Meanwhile…..  Miss Emily (the world’s best typist) is busy at work, typing my first nonfiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  Marketing will begin sometime in July or August, so keep your fingers crossed for me.  I began my final editing process for the third “Adam Gold Mystery” on Wednesday.  The book is called DEVIL’S COVE, and thanks to my art director, Rachel Zell, we came up with another wonderful book cover.  (Think of a mysterious-looking cove, engulfed in fog!)

Due to popular demand (from the bar staff)  I shall be returning to the poker tables starting today.  I will be playing in this evening’s poker tournament at the Waterloo Ice House, and again on Thursday evening at the “Bi-Monthly Cut-Throat, Don’t Even Try To Bluff Tourney” at Steiner Ranch.  Wish me luck!  (Did you know that poker was invented by sailors from New Orleans, Louisiana, in 1829?  They spread the game via riverboat, and the original version used a 20-card deck.)

I have been accused of not playing with a full deck, but as you know, I am much like the weather in Texas.  (No, not a “blow hard!”)  I refer to the fact that I am immune to criticism!  Hence, I shall now sign off, and prepare for tonight’s inevitable poker victory!  Have a wonderful week…..  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

April 21, 2013

ON THE ROAD… AGAIN!

Well, my friends, it’s been quite a week, not only for me, but also for the country at large.  Bravo to all my friends in Boston for a job well done… we should have sent the Boston Police after Osama bin Lardass, I mean, bin Laden.  Those Bostonites are the best!   I will never refer to them as “has-beans” again, and the next time the Red Sox play the Yankees I am going to root for…. Hey, I love those Bostonians, but I can’t root against New York!  My son-in-law’s family lives just north of Boston, so as you can imagine, we were all glued to the television set.  Naturally, our thoughts and prayers go out to all of the innocent victims.

And speaking of innocent victims, down here in Texas we had a terrible explosion in the small town of West, which is just north of Austin.  I drove through there the day after the fertilizer plant exploded, and just like in Boston, American heroes were all over the place, helping the wounded, saving lives, etc.  Two very sad events, but both made you proud to be an American.  You know why they’re called “first responders?”

Because they are truly ONE OF A KIND!

I drove up to Dallas this past weekend, and once I got there, I was reminded of another big loss to our collective greatness.  My life-long friend (and one of the finest women in Texas!) is named Miss Holley, and she was a close friend of Pat Summerall’s wife.  Mr. Summerall, as I’m sure you’ve heard, died last week and his funeral service was held on Saturday in “Big D.”  I never met the man, but I am sure going to miss his gentlemanly demeanor and his melodic voice.  Again, he was truly one of a kind.   John Madden delivered an eloquent eulogy, and from what I was told, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

On a lighter note, copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE continue to fly off the shelves!  (To make room for books that sell!)  Just kidding, sales are going quite well, and some important reviews are pending.  I actually gave an impromptu talk to a group of college kids at a Sonic Dive-In last week.  I  ended up selling 10 copies of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE and 3 copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT!  (Which is all I had in my trunk.)  I guess you could say that business was booming at the Sonic Drive-In.  (Now I know the meaning of a “sonic boom!”)  Next week, my publicist, Black Bart Berkowitz, has me booked at the local Dairy Queen.  I hope all of these ice cream stores appreciate my “good humor!”  (Otherwise, I may have a “melt down.”)

All right, enough with the ice cream jokes!  Tomorrow evening, I meet with my delightful typist, Miss Emily, and whence we meet, I will be giving her the final draft of my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING.  More about this future Pulitzer Prized winner later.  The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE)  is about to be sent to the publisher, so I will also keep you informed of that project.

Any more questions?  I thought not.  Well, it’s been a long day so I need a long neck to save me…..  I shall drink a cold beer to your good fortune, and if you get a chance, you do the same for me!  Love to all… and God Bless the U.S.A.!

Doc Yanoff

April 14, 2013

A TAXING SITUATION!

     WELL, THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS YOU’VE GOTTEN ME INTO!   Thanks to you, my nearly 4,000 faithful blog followers, my new mystery novel, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, has sold over 300 books this past week.  Wonderful, you say?  Have you considered the tax implications of becoming a famous author?  My accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz, tells me that I now owe the I.R.S. a substantial amount of money.  (Which is why I’m not filing a tax return this year.)  What can they do to me?  Throw me in jail?  Come to think of it, Al Capone ended up in Al-catraz!

     Please don’t worry about me or my finances.  Just keep buying as many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE as you can afford.  I’ll worry about the tax thing after I’m caught, I mean, after the books are bought.  By the way, did you know that Al Capone only dated bank tellers?  That’s where we get the term “safe sex.”  (Jeez, that joke should be “barred!”)

     Incidentally, the new book (Murder on Maiden Lane) came out just beautiful.  It’s much thicker than The Presley Plot and it’s printed on high quality creme-colored paper.  Aberdeen Bay did a wonderful job this time around, and there are no mistakes in the text.  (I actually proofread the book this time!)  If you need an autographed copy, just contact me and I’ll see what I can do.  (If you live in a foreign country, you can always sign it on my behalf.  Who will know?)

     What else is happening in the world?  Well, last Thursday, Barbara Talbott, a/k/a The Dragon-Slayer, won second place at the Waterloo Loose-Woman and Hopeless Hombre Poker Tournament in Austin.  I made it to the final table (what else is new?) but my “big slick” (suited ace and king) did not hold up, and I was crushed by a lousy pair of fives.  Life ain’t fair.

     I don’t know about you, but I feel sorry for those pesky North Koreans.  The New York Times reported that because of food shortages and poor nutrition, North Koreans are now, on average, two inches shorter than South Koreans!  But wait, there’s a silver lining to this story… if we wait a few years nobody in North Korea will be tall enough to reach the missile launch buttons on the console!  Speaking of short turds, did you know that Kim Jung-un has officially banned “capitalist celebrations.” including Christmas?!  Who bans Christmas?  Only a grinch.  (I read that Kim Jung-un was an ugly child.  How ugly?  During Christmas, they would hang him up and kiss the mistletoe!  (There I go with the missiles again!)  I pity his poor wife, Holly.  She has to bow whenever he enters the room.  (Surely you’ve heard of the “bows of Holly?”)  Dang, if I keep going, I might start a war!

     Due to an unexpected tooth extraction, followed by a slight case of “dry socket,” I was forced to cancel my one and only speaking engagement this past week.  (You might have seen them celebrating in Giddings.)  Nonetheless, I am now “well-healed,” and ready to resume my illustrious career as a literary diplomat!  So, look for my next missive (again with the missiles?) as it will be a good one…..

     Have a safe and happy week…  Love to all,

     Doc Yanoff

March 31, 2013

GIMME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION!

GOOD MORNING!  PESACH SAMEACH!  HAPPY EASTER!

Verily I say unto thee…  Did you hear about the Jewish gentleman who thought he was a matzah ball?  The psychiatrist told him not to worry, it will “pass over!”  Oy vay, now we’re rolling.  (Which is what some matzah balls do!)  All right, here’s an oldie, but a goodie…

KNOCK KNOCK.

Who’s there?

Matzah.

Matzah who?

“You matzah been a beautiful baby, you matzah been a beautiful… ”

Incidentally, did you know that the above song was written by the great Johnny Mercer, and recorded by Bing Crosby and Bobby Darin?  (Twenty years apart!)

Passover, as many of you know, is the day that Jews commemorate their liberation from slavery in ancient Egypt.  (Yeah, that’s right, we invented slavery, too)  Personally, I have no problem with short-term bondage situations, but that’s just me.  In any case, the Israelites (and their cousins the Stalagmites) were instructed by Charlton Heston, I mean, Moses, to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a slaughtered spring lamb, and upon seeing this, the spirit of the Lord would pass over the first-born in these homes.  My own parents followed this ritual for many years, but before long flies became a problem and the neighbors filed a complaint.  (Anti-semitic bastards!)  Any questions about Passover?

All right, let’s move on to Easter, which is a Christian celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  I’m not an authority on Easter, but I know it is preceded by something called Lint.  Again, I’m not positive, but I believe this is where we get the term “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”  I think that people who celebrate Easter are often called Easterners.  In any case, just like their Jewish brethren, Christians have some fun customs associated with the holiday.  Easter egg hunting is one of the most popular.  (Rich Christians often hide the whole dang chicken! )  Was that a “fowl” joke?  What can I say, I’m “hen-pecked.”  Where was I?

The Easter bunny has become symbolic of the holiday, and the foundation of a very tantalizing stew.  (Here come the emails from PETA!)  Chill out, you vegetarians.  There are plenty of bunnies (no Playboy jokes, please) and besides, the darn things multiply very quickly.  (They are also good at division.)  Hey, did you know that “vegetarian” is the Navajo world for “bad hunter?”  My wife makes rabbit stew every year.  (The darn stuff is hare today and gone tomorrow!)  By the way, do you know how to make a rabbit stew?  Keep him waiting outside.

Goodness, these jokes are really lame.  Speaking of lame, how did a rabbit’s foot become a lucky charm?  (The poor rabbit wasn’t so lucky.)  I think it’s a barbaric custom.  I carry frog’s legs.  (and a chilled bottle of chablis.)  Hopalong Cassidy did the same thing.  (Finish the joke yourself!)

Well, now that I have hopefully shed some light on our religious holidays, I would like to remind our viewing audience that MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE has recently been published and will soon be available on Amazon.com   (The Kindle Version is actually available now!)  I want to thank each and every one of my 4,375 blog followers for your continued interest and support.  None of these literary accomplishments would have been possible without you!  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and I wish you and your families the very best.  If you happen to be an atheist….. God help you!  (Oops, I’m afraid that won’t be possible.  Sorry, Charlie, you’re on your own!)

Love to all…..   Doc Yanoff.