March 3, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Hey, that sounds like the title of a new mystery novel. As a matter fact, it is the title of a new mystery novel! That’s right, folks, book number two in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” will soon be available to the general public. Due to popular demand (my mother) the publisher is moving forward with a mid-March release date! Naturally I will contact you via our blog when the book is available on Amazon.com, but you shouldn’t have long to wait, as we made great progress this week on the cover design.

Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful business model. (Her name is Helga. I think she’s from one of the Scandinavian countries….. she keeps saying “Nor-way” when I ask for a massage.) Not to brag, but back in the day, she was a centerfold in Popular Mechanics Magazine.

THE PRESLEY PLOT (book number one in the series) continues to garner rave reviews and sales have been quite good. If you log onto “Amazon Book Clubs” you will see that the book is one of the best-selling new mysteries of the year! While you are there, check out the reviews!

AND NOW FOR SOME OTHER NEWS….. When I’m not writing mystery novels, I like to play poker, but as of late there is a new poker champion in our family. Once again, the mighty Cobra (my poker name) was defeated by this up-and-coming poker star….. The Corpus Christi Crusher! (a/k/a Patty Yanoff) Last Thursday the Crusher won first place in another tournament! (In so doing, she has now pushed us into a higher tax category…. fortunately, I have stopped paying all taxes.)

Incidentally, both Patty and my sweet mother, Hazel Yanoff, celebrated birthdays this past week. Both ladies turned 39 (I only repeat what I’m told) and both celebrated with elaborate dinners and lots of gifts. If I had been in Boca Raton, I would have taken my mom to her favorite restaurant, The Golden Arches. (a/k/a McDonald’s)

If she keeps eating hamburgers and french fries she’s going to get stuck between the arch! Nevertheless, Mom is actually 87 years old, so she’s entitled to do whatever the hell she wants to do!

As some of you know, I recently received word that our blog is now in the top 10% of all new blogs for 2012! According to the folks who keep track of such matters, our blog is now in 43 different countries (not counting Arkansas) and we have approximately 3,700 followers! Wow, what can I say except Thank You! None of these accomplishments would have been possible without your loyal support and continued interest. (I intend to take each and every one of you to Hollywood with me!)

In closing, I would like to run something by you…… another one of my deep thoughts….. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests??? Don’t groin, I mean groan, just think about it. Send your replies (with some money) to P.O. Box 1600, Washington, D.C. (They need the loot more than I do!)

Have a wonderful and safe week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 24, 2013

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

NO, I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE LOOMING SEQUESTRATION! (Or as we Texans call it, “Loom and Gloom.”) Rather, I refer to that incredible show of planetary instability, a/k/a the Russian Comet! (Well, maybe I got the ethnic thing wrong, but it was “Russian” toward Earth!) At the risk of sounding like Chicken Little, who we all know was a “dumb cluck,” I must admit that the meteor shower was quite spectacular.

Did you know that it streaked across China and killed two rice farmers named Wong? Of course, “two Wongs don’t make a ‘rite,” as they say at NASA. Furthermore, there was carnage in Siberia. In fact, three plump vodka drinkers (Siberian Huskies) were also killed.

When the news of a meteor shower reached Texas A & M University, the entire football team ran onto to the field with soap and towels! The Aggie science department quickly announced that although the comet was white, there was also a black version in the solar system. (I believe it’s called “Alex Haley’s Comet.) How exciting!

AND NOW FOR SOME LOCAL NEWS….. I am delighted to report that my dear friend Sharon Francia (a loyal blog follower) recently returned from Las Vegas, where she is rumored to have wed an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR! The wedding, and subsequent morning divorce, took place at the Flamingo Hotel & Casino. Apparently, Ms. Francia was inspired by some reading material in her possession. (An autographed copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT.) In any case, we all wish her well, regardless of whether or not she comes up with the bail bond.

I spent a lovely morning with Miss Melinda (Perez) last week. If you ever need a great massage, this is the lady to call. While I was there, she told me that I had the body of a much younger man. (Who is Governor Christie?) By the way, if you ever need any rehab work, you should try “rolfing,” and I would suggest that you contact Will Ravenel at Castle Hill Fitness. (Will is known as “The Miracle Worker” here in Austin.)

Finally, for those that have inquired, I successfully rebuffed an attempt by the Chinese Military to hack into my ELVIS PRESLEY BLOG SITE! Oh, those commie bastards tried their best, but truth, justice, and the American way prevailed! Beware of this dastardly scheme! Be vigilant! You might receive an email from an inscrutable “Medical Researcher” from Rice University! They might ask if you have any spare change, or a spare rib. Do not be fooled! He is just trying to “Shanghai” your funds!

Well, if there are no more questions, I will sign off. However… I leave you with a final point to ponder… If Jimmy cracks corn and on one cares, why is there a song about him?? Hmmm…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 17, 2013

OUR SHIP FINALLY CAME IN!

WELL, NOT OUR SHIP, THE GRAND PRINCESS, BUT THE….. CARNIVAL TRIUMPH, which is still illmobile. (Actually, it’s “In Mobile.”) Mobile, Alabama, that is. I feel sorry for those passengers. At first they had a sinking feeling, and then they had a stinking feeling. Fortunately, nobody was seriously injured. (Not counting wounded pride.) As many of you know, we were down in Cozumel, Mexico, anchored along side of the Triumph. (Happily, we were NOT down wind.) Being a writer (of sorts) I quickly wrote a screenplay about the incident, but now I need a title. (This is where you guys come in.) Kindly review the below titles and let me know which one you prefer:

A. “Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.”

B. “Sh_t Floats.”

C. “Ship of Stools.” (My apologies to Katherine Anne Porter.)

By the way, did you folks know that Katherine Anne Porter was a native Texan? Yep, she was born in Indian Creek, Texas. (Spent many years in Kyle, Texas!) Now here’s the interesting part….. Did you know that she married a man named….. Pressley?? (As the distinguished author of THE PRESLEY PLOT I make it my business to know this meaningless stuff!) Ms. Porter married a dude named Eugene Pressley in 1930. (No connection to our beloved rock ‘n’ roll singer.) Her first (and only) novel was “Ship of Fools,” which was published in 1962. The book helped her win the Pulitzer Prize, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not half as good as THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. (Still, it’s ironic that a “Porter” would write about ships, eh?)

AND NOW FOR SOME INTERESTING (NON-LITERARY) NEWS………. I went to a surprise party yesterday. (Frankly, I’m always surprised when I’m invited to a party.) Judge Susan Marquess celebrated her 39th birthday in grand style, complete with homemade margaritas, delicious Mexican food, cold beer, homemade margaritas, birthday cake, and homemade margaritas. From what I remember, I had a great time, and so did everyone else. The party was hosted by Her Honor’s wonderful children….. Kellie, Aimee, Ryan, Greg, and Tyler. After dinner, we all participated in the first annual South Austin Punchbowl Poker Tournament.

INCREDIBLY…… despite the presence of The Cobra (Me) and the Legal Eagle (Susan) the tournament was won by a relatively new player….. a young man with a very bright future in the murky world of high-stakes poker….. Mr. Jackson “The Whip” Whitaker. The nom de guerre came about for two reasons. Mr. Jackson severely “beat us,” and the lad is “smart as a whip.” Thank God he’s not old enough to go into a casino!

Congratulations to the lovely and talented Mr. and Mrs. Lee Bomblatus (of Round Rock, Texas) who recently discovered that their wonderful daughter, Rita Hennecke-York, is pregnant with a….. baby girl! (I humbly suggest the name of “Stephanie.”) Rita and Michael are on “Cloud Nine,” and we all wish them the very best. They will make wonderful parents!

Dr. Laura Talbott is in town this weekend! As many of you know, the beautiful and extremely talented violinist is a professor of music at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater. When she comes to visit, there are “no strings attached,” and she always hits the “right notes.” Dr. Talbott will be “fiddling” around with her family today, and we wish her a safe and pleasant visit.

SINCE A FEW OF YOU HAVE ASKED….. THE PRESLEY PLOT continues to inch toward the best-seller list, and believe it or not, I now have 12 blog followers in Afghanistan! (Including a brilliant new friend, Steven W. Barnes, who I met during our last cruise.) Be safe, Steven, and send back some of my money! (The guy is a dang good poker player!) MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (Book Two) is at the publisher and should be available sometime in March. DEVIL’S COVE, Book Three, has just finished the editing process and should be ready for submission by the end of the month. I will send a post when the books are ready to be ordered.

As I type this blog post, I keep wondering if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup. (Is that odd?) Finally, since we have mentioned babies today, I would like to leave you with a rhetorical question to ponder….. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Just asking.

Have a wonderful week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

February 13, 2013

YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!

ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS HEART! WHEN THE ODDS ARE SAYIN’ YOU’LL NEVER WIN, THAT’S WHEN THE GRIN SHOULD START! (YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!)

As most of you know, these are the lyrics to “You gotta have Heart,” a wonderful tune from the Broadway show, DAMN YANKEES. (I myself have often been called this name!) Nonetheless, the song was written by Richard Adler, who I had the pleasure of meeting when I was a fledging playwright in New York City. (After a few tough years, I became a “fleeting” playwright!) The great Mr. Adler (who passed away in 2012) also composed tunes for The Pajama Game. So…. I think the above melody is rather appropriate for tomorrow’s holiday, and on “that note” I shall now wish all of my blog followers an early (but sincere) HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

I know I’m a little quick on the draw (so was Rembrandt) but I will be VERY busy tomorrow and probably too exhausted to write a clever blog. As you can imagine, a man in my position (usually horizontal) receives thousands of cards and letters from female women of the opposite sex on Valentine’s Day. (All right, maybe not thousands.) However, due to my undeniable charm and modesty, the ladies are quite fond of me and insist on sending me chocolates and flowers. (Occasionally, chocolate flowers, too.) No doubt I will be on the phone (speaking to old flames) most of the day, so I will take this opportunity to share some thoughts with thee……

Did you know that more than 1 billion Valentine’s Day greeting cards are sent out each year? (Most are sent to some mystery writer in Austin.) Hey, I’m a real card.

Women purchase 85 percent of all Valentine’s Day cards. (Oddly enough, 85% of the ones I receive are also from women.) Don’t ask about the others. None of your business.

Valentine’s Day is named in honor of St. Valentine, a Roman martyr. (Anyone who dates a lot is definitely a martyr in my book!) The old boy died in prison, but before he left earth, he left the jailer’s daughter a sweet note….. which he signed, “From Your Valentine.” (True story) Thus began a wonderful tradition, and a way for the Hallmark Card Company to make a very tidy profit. Had St. Valentine been Jewish (well, it’s possible) there would be no holiday. Jewish people cannot be kept in jail. (They eat “locks!”) Oy vay, what an old joke!

Finally, just in case you ever get on the show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”………. here is some final worthless trivia………. Cupid (the dude with the bow and arrow) is often associated with Valentine’s Day because he was the son of Venus. (The Roman goddess of love and beauty.) Hence, the modern expression that “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I do not like the fact that we are named after a candy bar. (Ever if we are sweet and gooey from time to time!)

Actually, there was another “Mars.” (The Roman god of war.) His festival was held in March, which as you can see, was sort of named after him. Since Valentine’s Day is celebrated in February (except in Arkansas, which only recognizes ten of the months) we see that once again, women have dominated the calendar and always come first. Ah well, such is life. (Just for the record, but do NOT share this with any chick, January in named after Janus (a guy god) in Roman mythology. So we are numero uno again!

I just realized that we are discussing “misters” and “myths.” (How funny.)

Well, students, that’s about enough of this stuff for one day. I do hope that each and every one of you finds love tomorrow. (or the day after.) I would advise all of my faithful blog followers to remember the lyrics of another great song………. “If you can’t be with the one you love, and there are no witnesses or security cameras, love the one you’re with.” ***

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! Love to all, Doc Yanoff

*** “Love The One You’re With” (Music by Stephen Stills. Lyrics by Bill Clinton.)

February 10, 2013

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

PLEASE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A GREAT DEAL OF EMBELLISHMENT AND EXAGGERATION. (Both of which fall under the purview of “Literary License.”)

WELL, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT….. (Make that a hot and sunny day) whence our little ocean-going vessel limped along the Mosquito Coast of Central America, bound for the silver mines (tourist shops) of Cozumel, Mexico. Our intrepid captain, Lorenzo Ronzoni, (formerly of Costa Cruise Line) gave the order to drop anchor (sadly without checking that we were already tied to the pier) and then we went ashore, searching for the Lost City of Gold!

We arrived in Mexico after our “Bungle in the Jungle,” which saw one of our shipmates attacked and bitten by a hostile simian, not to be confused with an angry Syrian. The little monkey bit our compadre on the arm, and being a kind and gentle bunch of global-warming, rain-forest saving, nerds, we blew his head off. (Not our compadre’s head, the monkey’s head!) Just kidding. We are American citizens. We know what to do in these situations. (We immediately filed a ten million dollar lawsuit!)

After trekking through the jungles of Honduras, we snuck across the border and found ourselves in Belize. Unfortunately, the authorities also found us. Who knew you needed a passport to enter a foreign country? Anyway, we made our way to Belize City, and then realized that we had missed our dive and snorkel boat to the infamous “Blue Hole.” (Who knew they actually had a schedule?) I blamed my travel companions, and of course, they blamed me, so we returned to our “mother ship,” and consoled ourselves with a bucket of cold beer and more rum.

At this juncture, I might add that one of my companions was Judge Susan Marquess, of Austin, Texas. Her honor happens to be celebrating her 39th birthday today, so on behalf of our expeditionary group, I would like to wish her a very happy birthday. (Thank goodness we had a lawyer and judge in our party. We were able to post some very reasonable bonds throughout our voyage.)

Some bonds are broken, and so are some bones! I am happy to report that Barbara Talbott, the reigning poker champion of Honduras, only suffered a broken middle toe during her recent encounter with a Mayan pyramid. Funny how fast some folks can run when they think they are being chased by a jaguar. (Or a Mercedes.) The “Princess of Poker” (Her Mayan name) will be wearing a customized toe cast for six weeks, but after that, she will only have a slight limp for the rest of her natural life. (A small price to pay for such a wonderful jungle adventure!)

Incidentally, Dr. Max Talbott has fully recovered from a nasty bout of Somnus Maximus. (Sleeping Disease.) Apparently, the dreaded illness was NOT a result of an insect bite…. but the result of a prodigious consumption of Ten Cane Rum. Whew! For a while we thought he was a goner. Now that he has fully recovered (we think) I can tell you that we had already made final plans for the poor lad. (I contacted the very best taxidermist in Belize.) The idea was to stuff Max and put him on permanent display at the Blanton Museum in Austin. (Max loves being around art.)

You might be interested to know, that just like last year, I had an evening visit from one of the local terrorist groups in Mexico. Once again, I was forced to entertain a small band of masked baditos (or banditti, if you prefer) and as always, I was able to convince the poor outlaws that I had no denero. (Turns out they wanted Robert DeNiro, not money.) They were the first autograph hunter/banditos in the region. Odd group of outlaws, if you ask me. (One of them wore glasses and had his/her nose sticking out of the sheet slot which was slit in the sheet sort of south of the smiling section of the silky satin sleeping sack.) TRY SAYING THAT TEN TIMES IN A ROW!

For those of you who do not like tongue twisters, here are some facts about our recent voyage…… We traveled a total distance of 2,417 miles. (Mostly upon the water.) Our average ship speed was 18 knots. Our average walking speed was .005 miles per hour. Average nap time….. 64.8 minutes. Average consumption of alcohol and drugs (Codeine)….. undetermined.

Finally, I would like to thank all of the people who purchased a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT during the past two weeks. Your generosity has now made the book an INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLER. I can tell you that I actually saw my book in the ship’s library, and that many folks in Central America are now reading THE PRESLEY PLOT and are anxiously awaiting the release of MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. (This includes many of the local citizens of Honduras, Belize, and Mexico, and a large number of jungle guerillas (NOT gorillas!) drug cartel members, federales, I.R.S. fugitives, and deposed dictators. (One cannot be too choosey about one’s readership.)

It will take a while to get this fantastic voyage out of my system (even with the antibiotics) so I will write again soon, whence I am fully recovered from my bout with pokus defeatus. (Poker losses.) Until then, it is wonderful to be home, back in the good old U.S.A. I missed clean water, indoor toilets, and well-behaved monkeys. (Our elected officials.) Take care, and they say in down south (far down south)….

Vaya con dios, no horda la Kaopectate!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff (Senor Jugador Malo)

P.S. A word to the wise…… NEVER play Texas Hold ‘Em (or MONOPOLY) with the Corpus Christi Crusher. Yeah, she’s that good!

January 28, 2013

THE COBRA STRIKES! (AND OTHER JUNGLE TALES)

MY FELLOW AMERICANS….. (AND WORLD-WIDE FOLLOWERS)

Monday morning blues? Down to your shoes? You should go on a cruise. Drink some booze. Play some poker. Try not to lose. (In fact, this is precisely what I intend to do this coming Saturday!) AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF POKER……

Those of you who read Sports Illustrated, The New York Times, or belong to Gambler’s Anonymous, know that yesterday was the CENTRAL TEXAS WATERLOO POKER INVITATIONAL CELEBRITY PRO/AM POKER TOURNAMENT & BEER GUZZLING FESTIVAL. My friends, this was quite a tournament. Many of the world’s (all right, Austin’s) best poker players showed up, loaded for bear, as my grand-pappy used to say. As I have previously stated, this was by “invitation only,” which means that you had to qualify for the tournament by having a certain number of points in your over-all rating.

I am VERY proud to tell you that after reviewing the player’s board, I spotted the names of EVERY graduate of the C.P.A. (Cobra Poker Academy.) That’s right, dear ones, the names were up in lights, posted for all the world to see….. Barbara Talbott (The Dragon Slayer)….. Max Talbott (The Maxi-nator)….. Susan Marquess (The Legal Eagle)….. and Patricia Yanoff….. (The Corpus Christi Crusher) My goodness, the place was filled with poker greats! (Incredibly, even two famous local pros showed up….. Sharon (Sharp-shooter) Francia and Sharon Barth, also known in Las Vegas as “Bad Barth.” As usual, the Sharons played outstanding poker. Unfortunately, only two academy players could make the actual tournament, and one of them, (an attractive woman) got knocked out early…… By going “all in” with a full house and losing to….. FOUR FOURS! (OH, THE PAIN OF IT ALL!)

HOWEVER…… (Now we come to my favorite part of the blog) Yours truly, The Mighty Cobra, had his fangs on full display throughout the tournament of champions…. and as you have probably guessed by now…..I slithered my way into the FINAL TABLE, which was covered, covered I say, in cash and potato chips! Well, as fate would have it, I played brilliantly, cheated seldom, and managed to outlast a tremendous group of talented players…. making it to the FINAL TWO PLAYERS GOING HEAD TO HEAD!!

(Just for the record, our heads were not touching.) Head to head is a poker phrase. We were actually sitting across from each other.

Anyway, we played mano a mano for several hours! (Actually, twenty minutes, but the hours thing sounds better) In truth, it was not mana a mano, but mano a womano. (I was battling the enchanting Miss Elsa for the title.) Well, amazingly, we finally got too tired to see the cards, so we decided to split the pot evenly. (We both walked away with a HUGE amount of money and stale potato chips.) However, since points is points, I must, for the sake of accuracy tell you that we played one final hand to see who would get what points. (Here is where the story becomes a Greek Tragedy) I’ve got a king and a nine of spades, and Miss Elsa has a jack and a ten. So what happens? Not one, but two damn jacks show up! Needless to say, I was singing “Hit The Road Jack,” but to no avail. However, my SECOND PLACE finish was to be celebrated, as this was the largest turnout of the poker season and attracted well over 100 top players.

In case you are feeling sorry for me, I should tell you that I consoled myself with an elaborate Indian feast at Tarka after the tournament. The food was, as always, fantastic! If you haven’t been to the West Anderson location, you don’t know what you’re missing. All I can say is Yum-Yum. If you go, mention my poker name, The Cobra, and you will get free napkins.

Well, my dear blog followers, I hope I have provided a pleasant start for your week. Be happy that you are not up in New York. My brother told me it was ten degrees below zero last week!

How cold did it get, you ask? My brother saw a chicken crossing the street with a capon! (cape on?)

Love to all……

Doc Yanoff

January 27, 2013

BINGLE….. BANGLE….. BUNGLE…..

I REALLY LOVE THE JUNGLE! Believe it or not, these were the opening lyrics to a popular song of the 1930’s. (The second verse was….”Bongo Bongo Bongo, I don’t want to leave the Congo!) If you ask me, these verses were sinfully bad. One might say “vice verses.” It would certainly be difficult to get much verse. By the way, I know a lot about versailles because I went to musical school in upstate New York. (Sing Sing) While I was there I wrote a soap opera. Would you like me to hum a few “bars” All right, enough Sunday morning puns…. let’s move on, as we have a lot of ground to cover. (Fear not, I am a gardener and I’m familiar with ground cover.)

Item One: Hocus pocus, try to focus…. I really am heading for the jungle. After I finish this blog, I will be packing my knapsack with mosquito repellent and Kaopectate! Why for? Because I am heading to the jungles of Belize and Honduras in search of a lost Aztec civilization of cannabis and head-hunters. I do not expect to be successful. (Mainly because the Aztec Indians lived in South America.) Nevertheless, I will be exploring some remote regions with my intrepid band of A.P.E.S. (Austin Poker Enthusiasts & Sailors) Assuming that I am not eaten by a horde of Piranhas, I shall keep you informed of my whereabouts. Those piranha fish are very smart. I hear they’re always in schools. (And they hate to play “hooky.”) Sound dangerous. On a “scale” of one to ten, this will be a ten. If it was a five, it would be a “fin.” (Something fishy about this routine!)

Item two: The book signing that was scheduled for Tegucigalpa has been cancelled due to the fact that our local host (a pleasant drug cartel gentleman) will be incarcerated for the next twenty to thirty years. I’ll let you know if he gets an early release or escapes.

Item three: MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE (my second mystery novel) has just completed the first round of literary scrutiny (i.e., editing) and has been returned to the publisher for a second check. Hopefully, we will still be on track for a publication date of March 1st. (I know your lives are on hold until then.)

Item four: I did not receive an invitation to the Inaugural Ball, so I called the White House to find out why. The receptionist told me not to hold my breath. That made me blue. (Whenever I feel blue, I breathe. Always helps.) Anyway, I missed the big party. Truthfully, I thought the First Lady looked very pretty, but I did not like her new hairdo. (To me it was sort of a “hair-don’t.”) However, she did get some “bangs for her buck.” Cute cut, but she looked like one of the Supremes. (No, not the judges!)

Item five: I only have one thing to say about the debt ceiling problem….. “Money is the roof of all evil.”

Item six: I had a delightful book signing/speaking engagement in the town of Gonzales, which is about an hour south of Austin. If you ever drive down there, check out the Memorial Museum and then head to the historic downtown center. If you enjoy Mexican food (who doesn’t?) grab some lunch at the Matamoros Taco Hut. After eating there you will not need to stop for gas, so I would walk around town and take in the sights. (Gonzales, for you history buffs, is where they had the famous cannon with the banner “Come and take it!” Those Texians were a tough group of boys. (Big shots, too.) The cannon still works, so don’t stick your head into the barrel. (Takes forever to get loose.)

Item six: Congratulations to my dear friend Leigh Ann Woodward, who finished 5th in a MAJOR poker tournament up in Choctaw, Oklahoma. The woman is charming, lovely, and a fierce competitor. Well done, madam! We (your poker buddies in Austin) are very proud of your accomplishment. (Send me some money.)

Item seven: A big American patriotic THANK YOU to Matt Houser, who is soon to be deployed in the service of our country. Matt is the husband of Sarah (Williams) Houser, who was one of my very best students at St. Edward’s University. Sarah and Matt are the type of young folks that make this country great, and I am proud to have them as friends. Best of luck, Matt! (We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.)

Item eight: Another round of thanks to my dearest travel mate Barbara Talbott. (Barbara, as you might know, was “Miss Indiana” during her younger days in Munchie, I mean, Muncie.) She recently bestowed upon thee a very appropriate gift…. a shirt that read…. “Stay Clam And Proofread.” Sad, but true. (I wear it almost every day!)

Item nine: In case you’re keeping track, I have been doing very well at poker. Playing under the nom de plume of “The Cobra,” I finished 5th and 6th in the last two poker tournaments here in lovely Austin. Today, Sunday, I will be playing in the Central Texas Poker Invitational Championship Tournament. (Try fitting all that on a shirt!) The tourney starts at 3 o’clock and should be a lot of fun. (Especially if they let me deal.)

Item ten: This one is going to hurt….. Guess who is ranked number TWO in the overall poker standings??? No, not me. I’m not even in the top ten! However, The Corpus Christi Crusher (a/k/a Patty Yanoff) is ranked number two and very close to taking over the top spot! I tell you folks, life ain’t fair. All of the poker academy graduates…… Max, Barbara, Susan, Jeff, Jorene, Sharon, etc…… Well, they are all playing better than the snake! What’s up with that?

Well, dear friends and followers, I must bid you adieu. I see a stack of pancakes with my name on it, so duty calls! Have a wonderful week and try to laugh a little.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 20, 2013

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

REMEMBER THE ALAMO! REMEMBER THE MAINE! REMEMBER YOUR P.I.N. NUMBER! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY….. REMEMBER THAT BOOK TITLE!!

Why, you might ask, should you remember a book title? Because…. this is the title (without the exclamation point) of my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” soon to be published by the good folks at Aberdeen Bay Publishing back east. Yes, that’s right! Book number two is on the way! Even as we speak, bookstores around the nation are clearing out their shelves to make room for my latest venture into the dark, underbelly of criminal enterprise! (NO, I haven’t written a book about Washington, D.C.) I am referring to the violent, bullet-strewn world of high risk insurance. (Dang, I’m starting to scare myself!) So where are we in this publishing process of ours?

Well, for the past week, I have been PROOFWEEDING my manuscript. (Just joking, folks.) However, this time, I intend to do my job BEFORE the book gets published. As some of you know, I was in the jungle (NO, not Newark) when THE PRESLEY PLOT galleys were sent to me, and because I was trying to avoid headhunters and cannibals, I neglected to scrutinize each and every page. Well, this time I stayed home, locked the doors, turned off the cell phone, and fell asleep…. but, after I awoke, I went to work and “cleaned up” the manuscript. The cover is almost finished, and it is simple marvelous. An eye-catching masterpiece! A work of art! In short, I think it will knock your socks off. (Your shoes, too.)

The publisher recently sent me my year-end blog statistics, as published by WordPress.com. Thanks to a fantastic group of followers (YOU!) I landed in the top 10% of all newly created blogs in 2012! Wow, that is simply mind-boggling. In complete seriousness, I wish to thank the 4,000 people who have taken the time to sign on to my blog this past year, and the 10,000 who have viewed a post more than once. I am overwhelmed by the response, and wish I could personally thank each and every person! It is, again in all seriousness, rather flattering and encouraging to a relatively new author like me. So….. THANK YOU!

BY THE WAY…. our blog can now be seen, and has a substantial following, in over 40 countries world-wide! The top five countries in 2012 were…. The United States, Canada, England, France, and Australia. (All countries I love!) Our newest subscribers came from….. Pakistan, Algeria, and South Korea. (Welcome aboard!) The “universal” mix of followers is quite interesting to me, so I thought I might share some other (non-book) statistics with you…..

IF YOU COULD FIT THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INTO A VILLAGE CONSISTING OF 100 PEOPLE (maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth) THAT VILLAGE WOULD CONSIST OF……

57 ASIANS….. 21 EUROPEANS….. 14 AMERICANS (North, Central & South)….. and 8 AFRICANS. Isn’t that interesting? (Now you see the importance of translating THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE into Chinese!) I just read somewhere that we are all part Asian. Apparently, we have 24 useful ribs (12 on each side of the rib cage) plus one “spare rib!” (Ouch, that hurt!) No “bones” about it!

Speaking of ribs…. I ate at two great restaurants recently….. If you live in Austin (or come to visit) you must try SPIN Modern Thai Cuisine and THE BONNEVILLE. The Thai restaurant has amazing dishes (but no bow-Thais) and The Bonneville has an incredible short rib dish, and many other amazing treats, as well as a terrific location in downtown Austin. (And very interesting cocktails!) I can heartily recommend both establishments, and I predict great things for both restaurants! You vegans out there should try some real food! Just remember what my grandpappy used to say….. “Them thar health nuts are going to feel mighty stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” (What can I say, the man was a genius.)

Well, next Sunday I will bring you up-to-date on my progress with MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. I will also tell you about my upcoming expedition to the jungles of Honduras and Belize! (Believe it or not, I’m heading back into the bush!) Stay tuned, do not touch that internet dial, and we shall meet back here next week! Until then, I wish you safe travels and much happiness. Class dismissed! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 13, 2013

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT POKER AGAIN! AU CONTRAIRE! (Although there remains some doubt as to whether I am “playing with a full deck!”)

I am happy to report that this week was “Book Club Week” here at the Ponderosa Ranch. On Monday I had the pleasure of driving down to lovely La Grange, Texas, a charming village approximately 65 miles southeast of Austin. Whence I arrived, I was warmly welcomed at the Texas Czech Heritage and Cultural Center. (There were no “bad Czechs” present!) After a rather brilliant oration, I moseyed on over to Weikel’s Bakery (for a homemade kolache) and then stopped briefly at Prause Meat Market (to sample the smoldering pits!) and pump out my stomach. I was fortunate to meet the mayor of the town, and during our conversation, I suggested a “town motto.” (I.E., “Keep Austin Weird”) Every town has one, I said to his honor. So….. I suggested this little doosey….. “The Range near La Grange ain’t too Strange!” (I’ve been waiting for my first royalty check from the city fathers, and just to be nice, I offered to accept payment in kolaches.)

AND NOW FOR A SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK…… On Tuesday I had one of the very best deep tissue massages of my life! (Courtesy of Ms. Rebecca Lee, my jet setter daughter who is off to Hawaii and Japan on Tuesday) If you live in Austin, you must contact the one and only Melinda Perez (melindaperez.lmt@gmail.com) and you will not be disappointed! The young lady is simply divine! (I should know, because I have been touched by many women (the price of fame) and because when I was a lad, I wanted to be a massage therapist!) However, they told me that I “rubbed people the wrong way,” so I did not purse my rubbing license. Ah well, Melinda is much better.

FAST FORWARD TO THURSDAY! (Evening) Another stellar (actually, cellar) performance….. this time at the most famous and influential book club in LAKEWAY! Due to popular demand (and a slow week) my agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, was able to “book me” at the Lakeway mansion of Mrs. Jaime Rubenstein, the leading Grand Dame of Literature in the Central Texas area. My goodness, what a treat! The dear woman served a formal sit-down dinner (with chairs!) in her beautiful dining room, complete with high quality wines (with corks!) superb place settings (with forks!) and a meal fit for….. a KING! (Obviously a reference to the book we discussed….. THE PRESLEY PLOT.) It was not easy being surrounded by good food and wine, and a roomful of women hanging on my every word, but I managed to maintain my composure, keep most of my clothes on, and deliver another sterling performance. (the forks were sterling, too.) I wish to thank Madame Rubenstein for arranging this wonderful event. A fine time was had by all!

SPEAKING OF FINE TIMES…… Happy Birthday Wishes to Jill Crocker and Carol Yondola Finkelstein, two lovely ladies who are celebrating their 39th birthday this week! (Did I get the age thing right, ladies?)

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS…… Last Tuesday was ELVIS PRESLEY’S birthday. If the King had lived, do you know how old he would be? (Better sit down for this one) Incredibly, Elvis would be 78 years old! Yikes, how time flies when you’re having fun!

AND SPEAKING OF FUN….. The famous art department at Aberdeen Bay Publishers came up with a “knock-out” book cover for my second mystery novel, titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE. I simply loved the initial design, and was blown away by how it caught the eye. (No hints!) However, I can tell you that the cover is very mysterious (duh) and very unusual in a good sense. If I am permitted to do so, I will post a “rough draft” of the cover on a future blog.

Finally, since several of my brilliant blog followers have inquired about upcoming projects, let me share some news with thee….. The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE) is being professionally edited as we speak, and it should be at the typist some time around March 15th, 2013. The fourth book in the series, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, is being written at a slightly slower pace, not because of “writer’s block,” but because I am busy putting the finishing touches on my first NON-FICTION book, THE SECOND MOURNING. (THE UNTOLD STORY OF AMERICA’S MOST BIZZARE POLITICAL MURDER) God willing, the non-fiction book will be published some time during the summer. I think you folks are really going to enjoy this one, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I (finally) won the Pulitzer Prize. (Depends on the dang judges.) I wish there was a way to bribe those dudes.

Anyway, I digress. I trust I have answered your various inquiries. Please keep those cards and letters (and royalty checks) coming. I do appreciate your blog loyalty and look forward to chatting with you again in the very near future.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 9, 2013

* NEWS ALERT * YANOFF WEIGHS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016! * NEWS ALERT *

HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO WEIGH TO BE PRESIDENT? Never mind, if I run, I’ll lose weight. Since I’m fed up with both political parties, I have decided to accept the nomination of my new political group, The Texas Iced Tea Party. (Our motto: WE ARE “COOLER” THAN THOSE OTHER GUYS! ) In honor of ELVIS PRESLEY’S BIRTHDAY (which was actually yesterday, but what difference does a day make?) I would like to share my very first (self-written) political speech with all of my blog followers. Please take a moment to read and digest (or throw up) my thoughts…… I think you will see that I am cut from a different cloth. You are, of course, welcome to send in your comments and suggestions (which I will ignore) or if you insist, you may make a large contribution to my campaign. (which I will spend on tequila.) So, without further comment, I give you a sample of my political brilliance……….

“ANYTHING WORTH WINNING IS WORTH CHEATING FOR”

(A Political Speech)

Good morning, my fellow Americans. In the words of another great political leader, I have come to bury my opponent, not to praise him! As you know,

I am running against a person of INFINITE worth, but I have vowed to conduct myself with the utmost DUPLICITY, even if my opponent continues to

act in a SCRUPULOUS manner. Yes, my friends, I intend to rise above petty, PARTISAN politics, and seize the high ground ….. where I can openly

DISPARAGE my INCONSEQUENTIAL rival. Fellow citizens, these are the times that try men’s souls! And speaking of trials, I’d like to mention that

I’ve been ACQUITTED of all those CREDIBLE charges that were leveled against me. While I don’t hold a grudge, I’d like to shed some light on my

opponent’s SALUBRIOUS background. In response to an IMPRUDENT question, he recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.

Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL activities since puberty! I shall not pass judgement on this NATURALISTIC behavior.

However, I think it’s important to remind you that my opponent has frequently engaged in social INTERCOURSE….. often at dinner parties, surrounded

by aides!

Recently, he was seen MASTICATING at a crowded restaurant in San Francisco! Later that evening, while EXPOUNDING on one of his pet projects, he

began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts! Revealing his true nature, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with one of the scouts.

I hate to point out the obvious, but my opponent has become a PROPREIETOR!

Now friends, I’ve always been known as a DISINGENUOUS man, but I can only be pushed so far. Did you know that my opponent’s wife once held a missionary

position? Did you know that she was arrested for being a PROSELYTE? My God, the woman has actually written a pamphlet about religious SECTS!

As you might expect, her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship with her spouse. In my humble opinion this is nothing short of marital FIDELITY,

and can only lead to NUPTIAL bliss. My, how their poor children have FLOURISHED from this union. The daughter has recently become a THESPIAN, and

according to published reports, she is performing her little act in front of paying customers! Last summer, she traveled to Holland….. a country filled with dikes.

I’m told that while she was still abroad she became involved with a MENAGERIE, and would RUMINATE in front of caged PRIMATES!

Apparently, the son is cut from the same PEERLESS cloth, for he too has decided to ESCHEW promiscuity and remain in the company of CHASTE individuals.

Furthermore, he has enrolled in college and MATRICULATES on a daily basis, often surrounded by young coeds! I’m no saint, but if he EMULATES one of those

young ladies, he should be CASTIGATED!

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE activities, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely

FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS. I implore you to turn away from my opponent’s CANDOR and VERACITY, and cast you vote for me, a MISCREANT

who is undeniably VAPID. I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!

GOD BLESSS AMERICA IF I’M ELECTED!

THE (SEMI) HONORABLE, STEPHEN G. YANOFF (I)

Books By Stephen G. Yanoff

Stephen G. Yanoff

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

OUR SHIP FINALLY CAME IN!

YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE HEART!

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

THE COBRA STRIKES! (AND OTHER JUNGLE TALES)

BINGLE….. BANGLE….. BUNGLE…..

MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

* NEWS ALERT * YANOFF WEIGHS RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016! * NEWS ALERT *