Mystery Novels

June 15, 2014

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

I think it would be fitting and appropriate to begin today’s blog by wishing all of you fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day.  For those of you who live abroad (that would be overseas, not as a woman) I should explain that today is the day when American children honor their dads by giving them the most useless gifts they can find.  These gifts usually include, but are not limited to, horrible ties, boxer shorts, heavy metal or rap music, and the always welcomed photo of your children looking like they have just posted bail.

Since I was my dad’s favorite (or one of them) I have fond memories of this uniquely American holiday.  If it was a warm June day, my dad would take me to Jones Beach on Long Island and we would do fun things together.  Just the two of us.  For instance we might play an abbreviated version of hide and seek.  (I would hide, but he wouldn’t look for me.)  Sometimes he would bury me up to the neck in sand, but he always came back the following weekend to dig me up.  (The only negative thing about this game were those pesky high tides.)  On clear days we would walk up and down the beach, and my pop would encourage me to collect some seashells, and as many Portuguese Men of War as I could hold.  Gosh, those were swell times.  (Some of the swells were over my head!)

Speaking of the Portuguese…..  Last night was my sixth birthday celebration, this one hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her hubby, Baron Lee.  (We do at least six parties to make sure we get things right!)  We were all delightfully surprised to encounter Countess Connie at the event.  Even more surprised to sample her world-famous rice pudding.  It was nearly the perfect dessert.  (Mine had a tad too much cinnamon.)  There were other guests, but to be perfectly frank, or Steve, they were just assorted riff raff from Steiner Ranch.  Nice people, but a little boring.

In case you’re wondering, my latest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, is quickly climbing up the charts.  Unfortunately, the record charts, which is a bit puzzling, but still pretty cool.  By the way, my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH, which is dedicated to my father, has just been re-issued due to popular demand.  Talk about good timing!  In all seriousness, this was a lovely father’s day surprise for me.  You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but my dad always hoped that his first son was a boy.  Which reminds me, do you know that my birthday is the same day as when I was born?  Amazing coincidence.

Speaking of giving birth…..  I’d like to send my love and best wishes to Laura Talbott and Kellie Hogan, two charming ladies who will soon have a special delivery to share with the world.  (Laura is using FedEx, Kellie is going with UPS)  Our thoughts and prayers are with you, ladies, so hang in there!  Hey, I have a question about the birth process…..  Does it take 18 months for TWINS to be born? Just curious.

Well, dear friends, I must leave you now.  I am watching the 2014 Brazil World Cup Soccer Tournament.  Unfortunately, the dumb announcer has not said which country is hosting the event, but it looks to be a South American venue.  Then again, it might be Arkansas.

Y’all have a marvelous day, think of how lucky we were to have such a special father in our lives, and enjoy your week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  As a super special Father’s Day treat, I am attaching a rare photograph from last week’s book signing in Austin, Texas.  We were astonished to discover that Robert Stroud’s children (Stroud was the “Birdman of Alcatraz) attended the event and allowed us to take a picture of them.  (They were “perched” in the front row.)  For contrast, I have included a photograph of some normal human beings.

 

 

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June 8, 2014

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER!

Yes, this happens to be the title of a wonderful film about the Titanic.  (1958)  And yes, it is also the title of a short article about my honeymoon.  (1978)   However, I am not referring to either of these remarkable events, but rather to the hugely successful book signing event that occurred last Friday evening.  (Still, I find it somewhat amusing that the Titanic went down in water, and I went down in flames!)  Where was I?  Oh yes, the book signing…..

Well, as expected, we had a standing-room only crowd.  (They forgot to put out chairs.)  Just kidding, there were plenty of chairs and lots of folks.  In fact, I was told by the book store staff that we had one of the larger crowds of the year!  I would like to thank each and every person who came downtown on a busy Friday night to attend this special event.  It was so great to see all of my family and friends, and some not-so-well disguised reps from Murder Ink Press and Penguin Books lurking behind some shelves.  (These two rascals are the co-publishers of my books.)

For those who missed the gala event, you can watch the entire show on PBS this Sunday night.  I’m not sure what time it will air, but I think it will follow an intriguing Bill Moyers documentary about Indonesian sea sponges and the effect they are having on global warming.  Speaking of sponges……  I just read that the original Bergdahl swap included Joe Biden.  (The Taliban said no!)  Poor Joe.  He recently offered to escort a young lady to the senior prom, but her father nixed the offer.  (He didn’t know what Joe Biden did for a living!)

Frankly, most folks don’t know what I do for a living.  Neither do I, but it seems to be working.  My intention is to live forever, or die trying.  Accordingly, I have recently signed my fifth book contract with the good folks at Murder Ink Press.  They will be publishing the 4th “Adam Gold Mystery” sometime in late August or early September.  The book is titled “RANSOM ON THE RHONE” and it takes place in Europe!  (Mainly in England and France)  The story involves the theft of a priceless tapestry, and the pre-reviews have been outstanding, so I think you guys are really going to enjoy this one.  I will keep you “in the loop” as they say at the Hula Hoop factory.

Meanwhile, I am happy to report that the gift shop at the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo has asked for more copies of THE GRACELAND GANG.  As some of you know, I met with the folks who run the place and they generously offered to sell my book at the gift shop.  (Fifty-fifty split on the proceeds.)  Some of my blog followers have asked to see a photo or two from my trip to Tupelo, so I have attached some photographs of me wandering around the grounds.  (NOTE:  The small white shack is the actual home where Elvis Presley was born!)  I hope you enjoy the photos, and I promise to post some more from time to time.

The next book tour on the agenda involves the Caribbean, and I will reveal some interesting details about our trip next Sunday.  Tonight marks the official start of “Pool Season” down here in Texas, so I must take my leave to check on the beer and tequila supply.  (My wife drinks a lot.)  My mother-in-law loved soda.  She once drank Canada Dry, but that’s a long story.  (They got over it!)  So…..  until next Sunday…… take care and have a safe and wonderful week!   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  I would like to thank Judge Susan for NOT asking me about Angelina Jolie during the Q & A session on Friday night.  (Brad is really the pits!)DSCN1220DSCN1243DSCN1226

 

June 1, 2014

THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

Well, as many of you know, (since I have been sending out frequent reminders) last Thursday was my 39th birthday.  (In Texas, you’re allowed to celebrate any year you wish!)  A gentleman never mentions his age, but I am now old enough to order an alcoholic libation.  (At a senior center.)  I suppose I should be grateful that I am still, more or less, of sound mind and body.  Which reminds me…..  If my therapist says, “There’s really nothing more that I can do for you,” that means I’m cured, right?

By the way, I just read that a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds in America.  Personally, I think they should find that woman and have a talk with her.  Just saying.

Did you know that 3 other famous people were born on May 29th?  Patrick Henry, Bob Hope, and JFK.  I don’t know what, if anything, they ever accomplished, but I do know that I was recently invited back for another interview on the “American Book Club!”  (The nationally syndicated program that follows “Imus In The Morning.”)  The good folks at KLRG in Tampa want to discuss THE SECOND MOURNING in another full-length format, which is truly a great honor for me.  I’d like to personally thank the host, Jack Drucker, for his continued interest and support.

I don’t know the exact date yet, but I promise to keep you abreast.  (Or, if you prefer, a leg or wing.)  As they say in sniper school, we aim to please!  Speaking of schools…..  my new non-fiction book (THE SECOND MOURNING) is currently under consideration at several prominent universities.  What are they considering?  Whether or not the book should be added to their “Recommended Reading” list!  (Two of the schools are in the Ivy League!  I will refrain from making any jokes about poison ivy.)

Did you notice that Harvard, Yale, and other major colleges have recently announced another tuition increase?  Believe it or not, the AVERAGE cost of a 4-year college education at a private university in now…..  $125,000!  I should mention that this figure does not include books, food, lodging, alcohol, drugs, or birth control devices.  Dude, what a ripoff!  When I attended the Dodge City School of Taxidermy & Chiropractic Medicine tuition was only $350 per semester.  (Embalming fluids were extra.)

What is this country coming to?  When I was a boy, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs.  You can’t do that now…  too many damn security cameras!

Before I take my leave (which is what Adam said to Eve) I would like to remind you that I will be at a major book-signing and self-adoration event this coming Friday, June 6th.  The event will take place at 7 p.m. down at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  Please feel free to bring your family and friends and some hard currency.  Also, somebody should call Mrs. Barbara Talbott to remind her of the date and time.  (I’ve already sent 10 emails.)

In closing, I would like to leave you with some wise words from Albert Einstein, the owner (I think) of Einstein Bagels…..  “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”  I wonder if he was referring to mystery authors?  Hmmm.

Have a safe and wonderful week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

May 25, 2014

LEST WE FORGET…..

TOMORROW IS MEMORIAL DAY!  That being the case, I would like to start with a huge THANK YOU to all who have served in our nation’s military.  We appreciate your service to our country and I salute you for your efforts to keep us free.  God bless each and every one of you!  I don’t know if I ever mentioned it, but my father was in the Army Air Corps during World War II.  Airman Yanoff flew across the Atlantic Ocean on a B-24 (a rare event at the time) and served as a tail-gunner during the campaign in North Africa.

I used to kid my father about the first 3 aircraft he shot down.  I told him that he would have gotten a medal if they hadn’t been BRITISH aircraft!  He would laugh, and then tell me that he might have gotten a medal AND a promotion if they had been FRENCH aircraft!  Like most men who served back then, he had a sense of humor about his experience, but was also very proud of his involvement.

Thanks to Sgt. Max Talbott, I received a long-overdue medal for “good conduct” from the U.S. Air Force.  (I tried to enlist, but failed the entrance exam.)  I received the medal (after a 30-year wait) because I returned the test pencil!  Better late than never.  Not to brag, but I once worked for the Salvation Army.  I was stationed in Times Square, and if I remember correctly, I raised quite a bit of money.  (Of which I only kept half.)  Hard service, but somebody had to do it.

In case you’re wondering, our Friday night food festival was a big success.  We had the pleasure of entertaining the Princess of Portugal and her wealthy hubby, Baron Lee.  Judge Susan was also in attendance, as well as some uninvited guests…..  which brings us to the main course….. roast COATIMUNDI!  (A truly amazing delicacy from South America.)  Trust me, you haven’t dined lavishly until you’ve eaten a ring-tailed Coati with fried onion rings.  After dinner, we watched “Fiddler On The Roof,” which seemed oddly appropriate, since that is where we caught the main course.

If I sound like I’m rambling, it’s because I’ve only had one cup of coffee.  Still, I think I’ve discovered a Sunday morning pattern…..   Denial.  Anger.  Bargaining.  Depression.  Acceptance.  Yes, these are the five stages of waking up!  What a gift to be young (?) and talented!  Reminds me of an old adage…..  “Talent is good.  Practice is better.  Passion is best.”  Frank Lloyd Wright said that, he knew about talent.  He and his brothers, Orville and Wilbur invented the first airplane….. the one that flew at Kitty Wells.

In closing, I would like to thank all of my blog followers for supporting my recent literary effort.  (THE SECOND MOURNING)  I have been fortunate to receive some excellent reviews, but I am fully prepared for a bad review!  If and when I receive some unkind words, I shall order the following license plate for that mean old person…..    are you ready?

How do you like this plate?          370HSSV

To get the full effect, you must read the plate upside down!

Yes, I know, talent on loan from God!   Have a safe and wonderful week!   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

SecondMourning

May 18, 2014

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN NON-FICTION, TOO!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT…..  3 days after the publication of my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, (The True Story of President Garfield’s assassination) thieves broke into Garfield’s tomb in Cleveland, Ohio!!  No joking.  Vandals shattered a window to get inside a 180-foot-tall monument at Lakeview Cemetery in Cleveland Heights!

Interestingly, Garfield’s casket is the ONLY Presidential casket on full display for the public to view.  (He’s buried beside his wife, Lucretia.)  The thieves stole some silver spoons from a glass display case, but they were not able to reach the coffins.  They couldn’t have lifted them out anyway.  Too much dead weight.  (Ouch!)

In case you’re wondering, I had NOTHING to do with the break-in, and furthermore, I have an air-tight alibi.  Still, you have to admit that the timing is a little suspicious.  Book comes out, grave robbers go in.  Hmmm.

I’d like to thank my friend, and poker buddy, Kevin Evans, for sending me the link about the break-in.  If you want to read the full story, just go to:   http://www.foxnews.com   (Published on 5/11/14.)

Incidentally, I am happy to report that THE SECOND MOURNING has sold over 300 copies on Amazon.com alone!  (Not counting Kindle and Nook.)  I’d like to thank all of my blog followers who have purchased a book, and please remember that anyone who buys 3 or more copies can audition for the movie role of Charles Guiteau.  (The deranged psychopath who shot Garfield.)  Yeah, I know.  They don’t make guys like me anymore.

Speaking of rare guys…  I’d like to say “top o’ the mornin'” to my good friend Max Talbott (and his lovely lass, Barbara)  who are presently vacationing in Ireland.  They are having a grand time, but Max got into a little trouble in Belfast.  Apparently, he walked into a bank and inquired about opening an I.R.A.  (I think they’ve been outlawed.  So has Max.)

My wife’s maiden name was McCloskey, and she told me that she was recently at an authentic Irish wedding where the M.C. made the following announcement:  “Would all the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.”  (The bartender was almost crushed to death!)   And since we’re on the subject of crushes, please remember that if you love books (or me) you are invited to attend a gala book signing event on Friday, June 6, at 7 p.m.   The event will be held at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  (Next to Whole Foods.)  Free admission, free parking, free porches.  (Just kidding about the cars.)

By the way, I’m sorry this blog came out a little late today, but I just got back from another wild weekend in Boerne, Texas.  My brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey was celebrating his 60th birthday, so he and the lovely Miss Hannah threw a lavish party at their one-of-a-kind ranch.  Unfortunately for me, they had some authentic “moonshine,” which tasted mighty smooth going down, but it had a bit of a kick.  (From what I recall, it was a very long night.)

In closing, I would like to mention a new survey that said that 55 percent of Americans think they are smarter than the “average American.”  Damn, that’s almost half.  The same study indicated that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash.  (They’re called Liberal Arts Majors.)   Well, have a safe and prosperous week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

May 11, 2014

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY….. MAY 11, 2014…..

WELL, IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN…  Time to send my beloved mother a note of congratulations for giving birth to me.  Last year we took my mom to a gourmet luncheon at MacDonald’s, but since she had gained a few pounds, she got stuck between the arches.  Needless to say, it was NOT a “happy meal.”  This year we sent some Omaha steaks.  Well, actually it was ground beef, but I think she’ll like it.  Hey, you can’t eat flowers.  Is it any wonder that I’m her favorite un-incarcerated son?

Since we’re discussing “pick of the litter,” I am happy to report that the “dogs of war” have been returned to their rightful owners.  Yep, we finally got rid of Romy and Baker, the dynamic duo of dirty dogs that we were dog-sitting last week.  And not a moment too soon, I might add.  Romy, as you might recall, is a labradoodle puppy.  (i.e., a furry chewing and chomping machine.)  That mutt left her teeth marks on all of my furniture and some of my private parts, too!  (Let’s not go there.)  I LOVE dogs, but after 3 days with Romy, I did something awful.  (I tried to sell her on eBay.  Naturally, nobody bit…. except Romy.)  By the end of the week, I was searching for labradoodle recipes!  (Hey, isn’t that where the term “hot dog” comes from?)

Don’t worry, both dogs were returned unscathed.  (Which is more than I can say for my couch and crotch!)  In the end, I came away with a new appreciation and understanding of….. cats!  It may be a dog eat dog world, but from now on I’m sticking with felines!  (or clotheslines.)

I am also happy to report that copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are literally flying off the shelves.  (Especially in earthquake zones.)  If you purchase a copy and would like an autograph, just let me know, and we can work something out.  And please don’t forget to leave a nice review on Amazon.com when you’re finished reading… my mother will be very pleased.  (as well as my publisher.)

On a personal note or two, I would like to say “Happy Birthday” to my brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey.  (I’m not allowed to mention his age, but…..  he’s kind of old.  His first homeowner’s policy covered fire, theft, and Indian raids!  He remembers when Howard Johnson only had two flavors!  He was around when Burger King was a prince!  Well, you get the picture.)

I’d also like to thank Helena, Princess of Portugal (And her husband Viscount Lee) for another splendid feast, this one celebrating the release of THE SECOND MOURNING and the guest appearance of the lovely “Miss Julieta.”  Both were sweet, strong, and intoxicating!

In closing, I would like to remind you that you and yours are invited to join the fun at my upcoming Austin book signing and wet t-shirt contest.  (Just kidding about the t-shirt thing.)  The gala event will be held on Friday, June 6, at BookPeople on Lamar Blvd.  Show time is 7 p.m.  (The bookstore is right beside Whole Foods, which might be a good place to dine before the show begins.  They have lots of free parking.)  I hope to see you there!

Well, I must take my leave…  time to consume some biscuits and honey.  Remember not to take life too seriously.  (after all, it’s not like you’re getting out alive!)  Still, we should all make an effort to take care of our planet.  (Earth is the only place that has chocolate!)  Have a safe and wonderful week…..   Love to all….

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

May 4, 2014

THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER!

DON’T ASK ME WHY, but for some ungodly reason I actually volunteered to “dog sit” my two grand-dogs this week.  Baker is a cockapoo, eleven years old, and rather well behaved.  Romy is a labradoodle, still a puppy, and proof positive that mental illness is hereditary.  (You get it from your children!)  Yep, little Romy is adorable, but hell on wheels.  How can one dog chew on sooooo many different substances?  You’d think metal and rocks would be off-limits, but not with this little lady!  Her motto is thus:  “I came.  I saw. I chewed to shreds.”

As you can tell, I am having a “ruff” week, but this too shall pass.  (Won’t it?)  My daughters are off to weddings and vacations in San Diego and Hawaii, and I’m stuck at the dog pound!  (And believe me, there are times when I’d like to pound you-know-who, but she’s just too dang cute for words!)  Baker is white (which rhymes with right) and Romy is brown.  (Which rhymes with “nervous breakdown.”)  Why couldn’t my daughters get cats like other kids?

Oddly enough, I also had an unusual week book-wise.  As many of you know, THE SECOND MOURNING was recently published, and thanks to folks like you, is doing quite well in the sales department.  (Over two hundred books were sold on the first two days alone!)  However, I spent most of the week discussing THE GRACELAND GANG, as the Elvis Presley Center in Tupelo was interested in obtaining some more books for their gift shop.  What started as a simple phone call, ended up as a full-fledged interview with their newsletter editor.  (By the way, a number of buildings were severely damaged in Tupelo during last week’s storm, but the Presley Center was spared.  Definitely ‘Divine Intervention!’)

During my telephone interview, the editor asked me about the most surprising thing I discovered about Elvis Presley.  There were plenty of surprises, but one of the most interesting was the fact that Gladys Presley’s grandmother was Jewish.  (Gladys was Elvis Presley’s adored mother.)  Interestingly, The King was quite fascinated with his religious ancestry, and during his lifetime he wore a “chai necklace” and often carried yarmulke in his pocket!

When I visited Graceland, I met one of the caretakers, and he told me something intriguing that I did not know…  Elvis actually spoke Hebrew and often sang in the Hebrew language!  The next time you go to Memphis, go to Graceland, and you will notice that his mother’s tombstone (She is buried in Meditation Garden) is engraved with a “Star of David,” to acknowledge her own roots.  If you would like to learn more, just buy a copy of THE GRACELAND GANG, and you will be ready to go on a quiz show and win some big bucks!

Did you read the Wall Street Journal on Friday?  A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.  Hmmm.

A funny thing happened to my neighbor last week.  He went to a dude ranch in Bandera, Texas, and rode a donkey!  (He’s afraid of horses.)  While he was riding the range, a horse kicked up a rock and knocked him off the donkey.  Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured.  In fact, he just got stoned off his ass.  (Ouch!)

I don’t mean to be annoying, but please don’t forget to SAVE THE DATE.  (Friday, June 6, 2014.)  As some of you know, I will speaking at BookPeople in downtown Austin at 7 p.m.    You are all invited, and please remember, everything is free.  (Free admission, free parking, free books.)  All right, I’m lying about the books, but everything else is free!  Hopefully, the margarita machine will be working!

Well, my friends, it is time to take the dogs to the butcher, I mean, the park.  (Freudian slip!)  I do hope that my daughters appreciate me.  (and my wife, who is doing the early morning shift.)  I fully expect not only a case of beer, but an ocean-front condominium in the resort area of my choosing!)  Ideally, a condominium resort that does NOT allow pets!!

Love to all, and please, keep me in your prayers!!

Doc Yanoff   (And “Ma Barker!”)

April 27, 2014

“THE SECOND MOURNING” ARRIVES!!

WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT MY “BABY” WAS FINALLY “DELIVERED” TO THE PRINTER LAST FRIDAY!  What a sweet bundle of joy.  Looks just like his father.  500 pages of parental pride, now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a huge number of bookstores throughout the free world.  (And several counties in Arkansas.)  Yep, my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, can now be purchased by the general public!  Please, hold your applause.  On second thought, I think I deserve a standing ovulation.  Hey, I just “gave birth” to new creation.  (The heck with a simple ovation!)  After delivering 500 + pages I’m just glad I didn’t deliver twins.  (A two-volume set.)

Truthfully, the process was invigorating, but somewhat stressful.  (i.e., Try to imagine 731 endnotes!)  Nevertheless, my incredible discoveries are fully documented.  Personally, I don’t know why I needed so many references.  I just figured out that I’m right 97% of the time.  Who cares about the other 4%?  Not me.  After I finished the book, I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic in Austin.  (I wouldn’t to “turn myself around.”)  While I was recuperating I had some very profound thoughts…..  For instance…..  Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.  It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!

Don’t fret about your weight, either.  I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…..  After all, 7lbs. 6oz. is just not realistic.  Thus, I have formally given up exercise!  That’s right, no more exercise for this author!  Look, if walking was good for you, the postman would be immortal.  Right?  Heck, whales swim all day, mainly eat fish, and drink just water….. and they’re all fat!  Nothing but blubber!  Just remember, my healthy blog followers, a rabbit runs and hops all day long, but only lives 15 years.  (A tortoise, on the other hand, moves very slowly and lives 450 years!)  Do the math, my friends!

I once saw a tortoise at a Shell Station, but that’s another story.  Speaking of other stories, Mrs. Emily Martin won last week’s trivia contest.  (German immigrants introduced the Easter Bunny and also brought over….. pretzels!)  Would you like another question?  Fine.  Tell me the make of pistol that Charles Guiteau used to shoot President Garfield.  (Dr. Max Talbott, my weapons consultant, is NOT eligible to enter this contest!)  One answer per follower, please.

ONE SMALL FAVOR TO ASK…..  If you purchase a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING would you please be kind enough to leave a nice review of the book on Amazon.com?  Favorable reviews translate into advertising dollars from the publisher, so you would be doing me a HUGE favor.  Thank you very, very much.

Well, I must run… tonight we are attending a special dinner, hosted by the amazingly talented chef, Mrs. Pat Cutrone.  (The “Legend of Lakeway.”)  I’m hoping to read the first 30 chapters of my new book (aloud) but the other guests might have a problem digesting their dinner!  (Which is why I always travel with a case of books and a case of Alka-Seltzer!)  Have  yourself a safe and pleasant week, and we shall meet again next Sunday!   Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

April 20, 2014

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

THE GRASS HAS RIZ!  I WONDER WHERE MY TAX REFUND IS?  (I won’t hold my breath!)  Well, in any case, let me start by wishing my faithful blog followers a very Happy Easter and a very Happy Passover.  I do hope you were able to spend the holiday with your loved ones, or folks that didn’t eat too much.  We celebrated by hosting the 62nd Annual Cajun Birthday Festival for Lee Bomblatus, the gentleman who single-handedly made Dell Computers a mega-corporation.  (Lee used to “screen” perspective employees.)  The wife (Princess Patty) made a huge caldron of her famous Swamp Thing Gumbo, and my goodness, did we eat well!  I am happy to report that only two utensils were “accidentally” taken by our guests, and that there was only one arrest.  Around here, that is what passes for a good night!

So last Friday I had my semi-annual head-to-toe health exam, and as usual, it provided a lot of new comedy material.  My nurse was a charming woman from Trinidad  (Trini was her dad’s name) and her “medical notes” were hilarious.  Here are a few of her actual observations…..

1.  “The patient has two female children, but no other abnormalities.”  (Actually those two are enough!)

2.  “Examination of the patient’s groin area reveals that he is circus sized.”  (No comment.)

3.  “The lab test indicated normal lover function.”   (Whatever that is!)

You know, at my age, my “train of thought” often leaves the station without me, but I must say, I could be a very rich man if they would let me hang around the doctor’s office for a while and take some more notes!  Speaking of doctors and such…..  the answer to last week’s trivia question (what famous ‘medical person’ ran out to help President Garfield after he was shot) is…..  Clara Barton!  (The founder of the American Red Cross.)  Nobody got the right answer….. so here’s another question:

Which ethnic group introduced America to the “Easter Bunny?”  (Hint:  They were not from Easter Island.)  These immigrants, who came over in the 1700s, had a custom of giving out brightly colored eggs in the spring….. and when you read my upcoming book, THE SECOND MOURNING, you will learn that they also introduced an unusual treat to Pennsylvania and the Ohio Wilderness….. a twisted dough concoction sprinkled with salt.  First correct answer wins a free copy of my new book.

I was driving by a herd of cattle the other day, and I could swear that the cows looked familiar.  Would this be an example of deja moo?  No bull, this really happened.  Maybe I shouldn’t try to milk this routine any further, eh?

Did you folks catch a glimpse of last week’s solar eclair?  I know a great deal about astrology, so for me it was a real eye-opener.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real Renaissance man.  (I actually prefer Hampton Inn, but that’s an inside joke.)  Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now.  Time to finish off the remaining gumbo.  Ya Ya, baby!

Have a safe and wonderful week and don’t forget to spray the Lysol early and often!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

April 13, 2014

MOONDAY IS TUESDAY!

YES, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CONFUSING…..  However, on Tuesday, April 15th, the moon will become blood red!  How can this be?  Are the Russians invading?  Are we facing another Ukraine?  No, my friends, this is all part of the upcoming lunar eclipse.  Sounds nutty to me.  I’ve heard of a moon beam, Jack Beam, and beam me up, Scotty, but a pink moon beam?  This I have to see.  By the way, in case you’re interested, some enterprising Aggie (a student at Texas A & M University) is selling tickets to the viewing.  Unlimited viewing for only $25.00!  Now is that “out of this world” or what?  Hey, if you brought a watch to the moon, would you be a “lunar-tick?”  Hmmm.

Tuesday’s lunar event means a great deal to me, because as some of you know, when I was in college I was studying to become an astronaut.  Well, I was actually taking up space.  In any case, I know a great deal about heavenly bodies.  (I dated a lot.)  The eclipse will peak at 3 a.m. (eastern time) and will mark the beginning of lunar festival, which will feature 4 consecutive total eclipses happening at about six month intervals!

Let’s come back down to earth for a moment, shall we?  Question:  What is 500 pages long, has 731 endnotes, an incredible plot, brilliant cover, and will soon (around May 1st) be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, and Nook?  If you said THE SECOND MOURNING (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder) you are right!  The book is now in its final stage of production, and since I was forced to read the darn thing, I can assure you that you are going to love this one.

Speaking of historical events…..  last week’s trivia contest was won (thirty seconds after I posted the image!) by…..  Ms. Karen Anne Smith of Lopez Island, Washington.  OMG, do I have some brilliant blog followers.  Within minutes, the correct answer (Hiram College or Hiram Eclectic Institute) was given by Randall Holahan, Larry Wood, and Leigh Ann Woodward!  Three certified geniuses!  Well done, folks.

Here’s today’s trivia question:  What historical “medical person” offered to help President Garfield after he was shot?  (Hint:  The person was a “she.”)  Unfortunately, she wasn’t allowed into the White House, but she did make an effort to help.  First prize will be an autographed copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.  Good luck!

A friendly reminder:  Tuesday, April 15th, is also the day that you must be concerned about dollars and taxes.  (I once went to Dallas, Texas, which is similar, but different.)  I still don’t understand why they call it a “tax return,” when all we do is send them money and seldom get anything in return.  Nonetheless, be a good citizen and send in your returns in a timely and painful fashion.  Does anybody know if you are required to file a return EVERY year?  Just curious.  My account (Jesse James Lipschitz) isn’t sure about that part of the law.

So get this….. my wife went to “Red Box” and got a movie that she thought was about our marriage!  (12 Years A Slave.)  Turns out, it had almost nothing to do with marital bliss.  I enjoyed the movie, and have now re-thought my position on slavery.  I wanted to watch “Gravity,” but my bride “wasn’t down with that!”  (Are these jokes “reel bad?”)

Well, it’s time for breakfast (noon) so I must run.  Enjoy your day and don’t forget to watch the night sky!  Have a safe and wonderful week!   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff