February 16, 2014

THE PIRATES OF PERCHANCE!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE WONDERFUL OPERA BY GILBERT AND SULLIVAN? (Actually, it was the “Pirates of Penzance,” but you get the point.) Did you know that Gilbert had a brother named Filbert? (The guys was a real “nut.”) Both brothers knew “the score” when it came to cruising… and here are some impertinent facts about my last voyage…..

Our ship averaged 15 knots per hour, but we never got tangled up. We traveled roughly 2,000 nautical miles. The captain kept a detailed log, but one of the crew threw it in a fireplace. (It must have been difficult carving all those details.) Our gross tonnage (not including the passengers from Arkansas) was 113,ooo tons. The ship’s draught was Guinness. Any more questions?

Now here’s the funny part… when we stepped ashore I was confronted by a reporter from the Houston Chronicle who wanted to know if I enjoyed my trip. I tried to restrain myself, but to no avail. So… I recited a funny bit of dialogue from a Marx Brothers film called “A Night at the Opera.” (Which was fitting, considering my previous mention of Gilbert & Sullivan!) Try to imagine me speaking in an Italian dialect, ala Chico Marx…..

“Sure, I’ll tell you about our trip. The first time-a we start-a, we get-a half way to Mexico when we run out of fuel and we gotta go back. Then we take-a twice as much-a fuel. This time we were just about to reach port, maybe three feet, when what do you think? We run out of fuel again. Then back we go again and get-a more fuel. This time we gotta plenty of gas. Wella we getta half way to Mexico… when what do you thinka happen? We forgota the ship!”

Since I delivered these lines with a straight-face, the reporter wasn’t sure if I was kidding or just crazy. Nonetheless, my fellow passengers were quite amused. (Homeland Security not so much.) What can I say?

The purpose of our voyage was to scout out possible film locations for the movie version of THE PIRATE PATH. We found some beautiful spots, drank some wonderful rum, ate like little piggies, and came home with a tattoo of a manatee on my knee. (Just kidding about that last part.) The best part? It was all tax deductible!

We met some terrific folks on this voyage, and we enjoyed reminiscing with complete strangers. Every time I think about the past it brings back memories. How did I get so deep? Never mind, I have to run. Tonight is the Annual Judge Susan Birthday Dinner & Lamb Swallowing Festival, hosted by the incomparable Max and Barbara Talbott, formerly of Muncie, Indiana. We are looking forward to another memorable evening of frivolity!

Have a wonderful week and please do not be concerned about my fading tan as you shovel snow from the sidewalk. Nobody ever said that writing was easy! Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff, “The Original Globetrotter”

February 9, 2014

THE LONG-AWAITED PHOTOGRAPHS!

February 9, 2014

THE SNOOZE CRUISE!

WELL, HERE I AM ABOARD THE LOVELY CARIBBEAN PRINCESS! (By the way, that’s the name of the ship, not a person.) We are bound for Cozumel. (Bound to get there in a day or two.) I slept GREAT last night. Wonderful mattress. Ever hear of a “sea bed?” One funny incident to report… My wife asked someone where our “mustard station” was located. (She meant muster station.) I told her to go ahead, I would “ketchup” later! I’m glad I packed some condiments, just in case I get lucky.

So what’s new in the wonderful world of literature? Funny you should ask. Are you sitting down? The Dashiell Hammett Club of Los Angeles has chosen DEVIL’S COVE (my third mystery novel) as the “OUTSTANDING MYSTERY OF THE YEAR!” WOW! I am very honored and would like to thank you for the delightful surprise. (Hammett was the author who created the hard-boiled character of Sam Spade.

I would also like to thank all of my Austin friends for buying so many copies of THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH. Both books have sold well and are now being featured on the BEST-SELLER table in the front of the store. (BookPeople on N. Lamar Blvd.) They just re-stocked the shelves, so if you need an autographed copy, come on down. (I have attached a couple of photographs from a recent luncheon at the store.)

Tomorrow we reach Cozumel, and then (the day after) we go to Honduras, and then Belize. The seas are calm, the sun is out, and it’s about 77 degrees outside. Perfect tanning weather! I got lazy this morning and slept in, missing my gym time. That makes 3 years in a row. I’m about to give up exercising! My press my luck?

The Princess and I are registered to today’s poker tournament, which begins at 12 noon. Hopefully, I will have some good news to share with you, but even if I don’t win the tournament, I will make up a good story! (Any fool can convey the simple facts!)

I wish you all a safe and pleasant week, and if we don’t get captured by pirates, I will write again mid-week. If we do get captured by pirates, send me a couple of roast beef sandwiches. (Pirates love “ARRRRR-by’s Roast Beef!) Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

February 2, 2014

DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

UNLESS YOU’RE TAKING A SHOWER….. Then you may need some soap. Now don’t get yourself in a “lather,” but I have two major announcements….. On Tuesday, March 25, 2014, I will be featured (almost live) on a nationally broadcast radio program called “THE BOOK CLUB.” The show will begin at noon, eastern time, and will be carried from coast to coast on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, Florida, and on KLRG-AM 880 in Little Rock, Arkansas. The interview will also be streamed live via the Internet on: www.tantalk1340.com

The host of the show is Jack Drucker, former Vice-President of Harper and Row Publishers. The program is quite popular and follows the Don Imus Show on stations around the country. (I hope I don’t get any basketball questions)

Jack and I will be discussing my third mystery novel, DEVIL’S COVE. Most exciting, the interview will later be broadcast worldwide, in well over 125 countries! (and Louisiana) Since all of my books have been translated (into French, German, Italian, Spanish, and Chinese) this exposure should result in a large increase in book sales. (and more foreign marriage proposals.)

Speaking of radios, did you know that I once dated MISS EMERSON? (I called her that because she was easy to pick up at night!) She tried to “turn me on” but that only “turned me off” so we were never “in tune.” (I could have made a few jokes about “frequency” but some of my blog followers are under 16.)

Speaking of X-rated events…. wait until you hear about the couple we had dinner with last night! A lovely couple, who used the names “Debra and Fred.” (I have no idea what their real names are.) They had some great “convention tales,” but I’m a little suspicious of them. (The beautiful woman who called herself “Debra” travels around a lot and had one of those very common last names… the ones they use in the Witness Protection Program!)

In closing, I would once again like to thank all of you for making my literary dreams comes true. I could not have done it without you, and frankly, it wouldn’t be as much fun without your friendship and support. Next Sunday’s blog will be sent from….. the Caribbean! I am off on another book tour/tax deductible winter cruise! And yes, the rumors are true, I will be scouting out locations for the movie version of THE PIRATE PATH!

Until we meet again, take care, and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

January 26, 2014

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!

MODESTY IS VERY BECOMING… (and it’s becoming quite rare) I’m not that modest. Every year, on my birthday, I send my mother a “congratulations card” for having me. I just installed mirrors in my bedroom. (no, not for that reason!) To look at myself. Does that “reflect” badly on me? Well, today’s blog will not focus on me, but on my loyal blog followers! (who I love)

Last weekend, we Austinites lost Steven Fromholz, one of the true legends of the outlaw country era. Steve was a major talent, and he also served as the Poet Laureate of Texas. I’m friends with his sweet daughter, Felicity, and my heart goes out to her and her family. Your Dad was one of the great ones.

We also lost Mrs. Alice Bonefield, a gentle spirit, the mother of Paula Johnston. “Miss Alice” was one of my favorite ladies and she will truly be missed by everyone who knew her. She was, as they say, a class act.

I would like to extend my best wishes to Mrs. Donna Simon, who is recovering from a heart attack. Donna and I are old friends, and she worked for Yanoff & Company for many years. In fact, she was the manager of our Chicago office. We (the Yanoff clan) wish you a speedy recovery! You did a great job for us and we all love you! (Miss Hazel told me to send you a special kiss!)

Speaking of speedy recoveries….. If you’re ever in need of emergency care, you should limp on over to the Texan Urgent Care facility in Riverplace. Hopefully, you will be seen by Cindy Kelt, FNP-BC (I have no idea what those letters mean, but Cindy is a brilliant and caring nurse practitioner!) Tell her that I sent you and you will receive a free enema. (Let me know how that comes out!) We adore you, Cindy!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my friend Steven B. who is back in Iraq doing who-knows-what. I hope you and your buddies are safe and sound, and we wish you a speedy return to the good old U.S.A. Be careful if somebody offers you a camel. (It might not be a cigarette!)

For you book lovers out there, please note that BookPeople has just restocked their shelves with 18 copies of my various mystery novels. (The first group sold quickly.) As you might guess, the books are to be found in the “mystery section” up front. (Makes sense to me)

Finally, remember the secret of enjoying a good wine….. Open the bottle and allow it to breathe….. If it doesn’t seem to be breathing….. Give it mouth to mouth! (The preceding humor courtesy of C.T. Nickles.) C.T. is the head of my New Jersey humor division, and let’s face it, you have to have a sense of humor to live in New Jersey!

Have a safe and prosperous week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. My “big announcement” will be posted next week. This blog is for my wonderful followers!

January 19, 2014

WHY DID JULIUS SEIZE-HER?

I’M NOT SURE….. Maybe it’s because the Emperor had “Roman hands?” (I knew a guy that had “Russian fingers.”) In any case, “Julius Caesar” is one of my favorite plays by Bill Shakespeare, so to paraphrase….. ‘LEND ME YOUR EARS!’ Wait a minute. How can you ‘lend’ someone your ears? That would be awfully messy and hurt like hell. (Rather, dare I say, ‘ear-ritating?’)

Where was I? Oh yes, I have some good news to share. My marketing contract with BookPeople has been finalized. Starting tomorrow, you can find all 3 of my mystery novels on their shelves, and also in their domestic and international book catalogues. Furthermore, I shall be featured at two (2) speaking engagements in their Austin store sometime during the spring! I might have mentioned this last Sunday, but it bears repeating. (I once saw a bear repeating in Yellowstone Park. Too many blackberries!)

Speaking of parks… I have volunteered to address a group of Boy Scouts next week. We will be at Bastrop State Park, on Wednesday or Thursday, so if you’re in the vicinity, come on by and help us plant some trees! (Bastrop was the site of the horrendous forest fire back in 2011.) I might be bringing Baker, my grand-dog, with me. The little pooch loves trees. (He has some bark, too!)

Did you guys watch Downton Abbey last week? The main characters are getting a little grouchy and short-tempered this season. They may have to re-name the show “Downton Crabby.” Since we’re on the subject of royalty, I would like to send my best to Judge Susan (the queen of our hearts!) and wish her a speedy recovery. She had a torn mucus. (Probably from blowing her nose too hard.) Hang in there, your Honor! This will soon blow over. (Oops, I shouldn’t have used that word!)

Finally, in closing, I would like to remind all of you pet lovers (and who doesn’t love petting?) that almost 65% of American households own a pet, and that 44% of dogs sleep in bed with their owners. (I was going to insert a joke about my wife, but then I remembered that she belongs to the NRA) Honey, put the bullets away! (The caliber of these jokes has got to improve!)

Well, my dear friends, have a safe and wonderful week. Next Sunday, God willing, I will have a VERY special announcement that has absolutely nothing to do with my tax evasion case. Until then, love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

January 12, 2014

INVASION OF THE BOOK PEOPLE!

MY GOODNESS, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE TITLE OF A 1950s HORROR MOVIE! But it’s not… In fact, it’s just the opposite of horrible, it’s some more wonderful news! I love sharing good news with my blog followers, and today I have something splendid to share….. Starting next Tuesday, January 14, 2014, all 3 of the “Adam Gold Mystery Novels” will be featured and sold at Austin’s most prestigious book store….. BookPeople! (Located on N. Lamar Blvd.) Yep, you read right, the good folks of Central Texas will now be able to purchase all of my books at a traditional book store, as well as on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, and the Nook.

Two days ago I signed a contract with the store, and starting next Tuesday, the books (THE GRACELAND GANG, THE PIRATE PATH, and DEVIL’S COVE) will be featured at the front table as you walk into the store! (Where the “best-sellers” are sold) I will attach the covers at the end of this blog, just in case you forgot what they look like. By the way, I will also be featured in their newsletter and in their online book catalogue, so if you can, please spread the word. Incidentally, none of this would have been possible without you guys, so THANK YOU!

In other news, our 3-day winter has finally ended. Whew, that was a rough few days! How cold did it get down here in Austin? Well, thanks to that darn polar vortex, Texas inmates were BEGGING for the electric chair! People were getting the cold shoulder everywhere they went! It was too frigid to get into a heated argument! Our politicians had their hands in their own pockets! (Now THAT’S cold)

I may have a book signing/lecture in San Antonio next week. (Depending on the weather.) I hope it comes off, because I would love to go back to El Mirador restaurant for a bowl of sopa de lima or chile de arbol. If you ever find yourself in the historic King William neighborhood, you must stop in for some of Maria Trevino’s amazing food. (Her family is keeping her reputation alive and well.) Es muy bueno!

Finally, I was chatting with a neighbor yesterday, and he asked me what I thought about same sex marriage. I told him that I’ve been having the same sex for the last 35 years! I did ask my wife if she wanted me to take Viagra. She told me to start with NoDoz, whatever that is. Women!

Well, on that note, I wish you all a safe and pleasant week. I might have another major announcement next week, so keep those cards and letters coming! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 5, 2014

WHEN YOUR NUMBER IS UP…..

IT’S GREAT NEWS! (IF YOU’RE A WRITER) Otherwise, not so much. The year end blog statistics have recently been published by WordPress, and once again, our little blog has achieved immorality! Make that, immortality. How you ask? Well, first of all, our blog finished in the top 5% of all blogs on the Internet! An amazing accomplishment that I wish to thank you for… no joking, I couldn’t have done it without you guys. Secondly, we had a very healthy increase in readership. We now have….. (drum roll, please) ….. 6,500 followers in 40 countries! All I can say is Wow and Thank You!

Last week, our esteemed publisher announced that THE GRACELAND GANG, THE PIRATE PATH, and DEVIL’S COVE have been translated into several foreign languages….. French, Spanish, Italian, and German! All 3 mysteries are now available in those countries in their native tongue! (I once felt some native tongues, but that’s another story… I was on a study-abroad trip. So, naturally, I studied some broads!) Anyway, this is wonderful news, and all of my books can now be ordered in the above languages on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com

NOW FOR THE BIG BOOK NEWS….. My recently paroled literary agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, scored a major publishing victory on my behalf. My first two books have been approved by some sort of screening committee in Beijing, and they will now be available, in Chinese, throughout the country of China! Hot dog! I mean, egg roll! If our commie friends like inscrutable mysteries, then I’m their man! Seriously though, I would like to thank Mr. Berkowitz (who I never stop teasing) and the government of China. Hopefully, we will make a small fortune, cookie!

Finally, a word of thanks to Mr. Gary Rubenstein, the “Lobster King” of Austin, Texas. He played Santa “Claws” last week and concocted a marvelous lobster casserole for New Year’s Eve. Today, we are celebrating his wife’s 39th birthday at our house… and we went overboard with the food. (Actually, we threw the food overboard, but I digress.) Not to worry, though. Miss Jaime will be pleasantly surprised. (If she likes fast food.)

One last item….. I want to send my love and kisses to a potentially new blog follower who was born last week….. my niece, Lindsay, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Scarlett. Welcome to our world, Miss Scarlett! I hear you read my last blog and threw up? Personally, I think it was the mashed carrots, but then again, I’m an optimist! Don’t forget to change your diapers frequently, and I wish you well in the maternity ward. (Watch those male babies, and don’t give out your phone number.)

Happy New Year once again! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 1, 2014

NEVER POST WITH A HANGOVER!

WELL, AS PART OF MY CONTINUING EDUCATION ABOUT BLOGGING, I HEREBY SUGGEST THAT NOBODY TRY TO POST ANYTHING AFTER TWO BOTTLES OF HIGH-QUALITY FRENCH CHAMPAGNE! THOSE WHO DOUBT MY SAGE ADVICE SIMPLY NEED TO READ THE PRECEDING POST! (VERY UNUSUAL FORMAT, EH?)

IF YOU ASK ME, THE FORMAT RESEMBLES MY ACTUAL BRAIN THE DAY AFTER NEW YEAR’S EVE! (I BLAME THE PARTY HOSTS, GARY AND JAIME RUBENSTEIN)

THEY WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER (JESSE JAMES LIPSCHITZ) IN THE NEAR FUTURE! UNTIL THEN……

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (WHAT YEAR IS IT?)

DOC YANOFF

December 29, 2013

A HAPPY HILL COUNTRY HOLIDAY!

HOWDY BUCKEROOS AND BUCKETTES! I hope y’all had a wonderful holiday. Ma and Pa Kettle (Patty and I) spent the last few days on the McCloskey Ranch, in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, wining and dining with family and friends. Our most groovy adventure began on the Riverwalk in San Antonio. Hey, am I dating myself by using the word “groovy?” I used to date myself in high school, but that’s another story. (I was very lonely.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the Riverwalk. Well, we strolled along the lovely river and then made our way to Mi Tierra Mexican Restaurant, the world’s BEST Mexican restaurant! After two (fabulous) margaritas, we feasted on a truly memorable meal.

Now don’t get mad at me, but… I ate a kid! I know it sounds cruel, but the kid was stewed to perfection and the meat literally fell off the bones. This particular kid was served with rice and beans! Well, you know what they say, “kids should be stewed, not herded.” (Don’t call the police, a “kid” is a baby goat!) Which reminds me, our waiter really “got my goat!” There wasn’t a baaaaad piece on my plate!

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at Tim McCloskey’s humble abode, and his very significant other, Miss Hannah, rustled up some mighty good grubs, I mean, grub. We dined on a magnificent rib roast and maple ham, and then had the pleasure of watching Colton McCloskey drink an entire bottle of port! (almost) After dinner, we entered a cut-throat poker tournament, featuring the “Magical Minard Brothers,” (Andrew and Jeff) who just happen to be fine fellows and great card players. (I think their mother cheats, but I will tell the story of the 3 queens at a later date!)

Being a true cowboy, I decided to go horseback riding on the way back to Austin. Unfortunately, we stopped at a place that only had one horse! A mare named Molasses. She refused to gallop during the day. (She was a “night mare.”) Definitely not a “stable” animal! I rode bareback for a while, but then I got cold and put my shirt back on. All right, enough horsing around…..

In closing, I wish to thank Sarah Doolittle, a prominent reporter from the Four Points News, for her wonderful article, illuminating my illustrious writing career. Sarah recently penned a great article about me, and if you would like to read it, just Google: Four Points News. Click on the December 25, 2013 issue. You will see my mug on the front page (in color!) and a long article about my books. Thanks again, Sarah!

Finally, my next blog will be a special year-end treat for all of you Marx Brothers fans out there. You won’t want to miss this one! As I bid you farewell today, I ask that you ponder the following enigma….. What makes teflon stick to a pan???

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff