January 26, 2014

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!

MODESTY IS VERY BECOMING…  (and it’s becoming quite rare)  I’m not that modest.  Every year, on my birthday, I send my mother a “congratulations card” for having me.  I just installed mirrors in my bedroom.  (no, not for that reason!)  To look at myself.  Does that “reflect” badly on me?  Well, today’s blog will not focus on me, but on my loyal blog followers!  (who I love)

Last weekend, we Austinites lost Steven Fromholz, one of the true legends of the outlaw country era.  Steve was a major talent, and he also served as the Poet Laureate of Texas.  I’m friends with his sweet daughter, Felicity, and my heart goes out to her and her family.  Your Dad was one of the great ones.

We also lost Mrs. Alice Bonefield, a gentle spirit, the mother of Paula Johnston.  “Miss Alice” was one of my favorite ladies and she will truly be missed by everyone who knew her.  She was, as they say, a class act.

I would like to extend my best wishes to Mrs. Donna Simon, who is recovering from a heart attack.  Donna and I are old friends, and she worked for Yanoff & Company for many years.  In fact, she was  the manager of our Chicago office.  We (the Yanoff clan) wish you a speedy recovery!  You did a great job for us and we all love you!  (Miss Hazel told me to send you a special kiss!)

Speaking of speedy recoveries…..  If you’re ever in need of emergency care, you should limp on over to the Texan Urgent Care facility in Riverplace.  Hopefully, you will be seen by Cindy Kelt, FNP-BC  (I have no idea what those letters mean, but Cindy is a brilliant and caring nurse practitioner!)  Tell her that I sent you and you will receive a free enema.  (Let me know how that comes out!)  We adore you, Cindy!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my friend Steven B. who is back in Iraq doing who-knows-what.  I hope you and your buddies are safe and sound, and we wish you a speedy return to the good old U.S.A.   Be careful if somebody offers you a camel.  (It might not be a cigarette!)

For you book lovers out there, please note that BookPeople has just restocked their shelves with 18 copies of my various mystery novels.  (The first group sold quickly.)  As you might guess, the books are to be found in the “mystery section” up front.  (Makes sense to me)

Finally, remember the secret of enjoying a good wine….. Open the bottle and allow it to breathe….. If it doesn’t seem to be breathing….. Give it mouth to mouth!  (The preceding humor courtesy of C.T. Nickles.)   C.T. is the head of my New Jersey humor division, and let’s face it, you have to have a sense of humor to live in New Jersey!

Have a safe and prosperous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  My “big announcement” will be posted next week.  This blog is for my wonderful followers!

January 19, 2014

WHY DID JULIUS SEIZE-HER?

I’M NOT SURE….. Maybe it’s because the Emperor had “Roman hands?”  (I knew a guy that had “Russian fingers.”)  In any case, “Julius Caesar” is one of my favorite plays by Bill Shakespeare, so to paraphrase…..  ‘LEND ME YOUR EARS!’  Wait a minute.  How can you ‘lend’ someone your ears?  That would be awfully messy and hurt like hell.  (Rather, dare I say, ‘ear-ritating?’)

Where was I?  Oh yes, I have some good news to share.  My marketing contract with BookPeople has been finalized.  Starting tomorrow, you can find all 3 of my mystery novels on their shelves, and also in their domestic and international book catalogues.  Furthermore, I shall be featured at two (2) speaking engagements in their Austin store sometime during the spring!  I might have mentioned this last Sunday, but it bears repeating.  (I once saw a bear repeating in Yellowstone Park.  Too many blackberries!)

Speaking of parks… I have volunteered to address a group of Boy Scouts next week.  We will be at Bastrop State Park, on Wednesday or Thursday, so if you’re in the vicinity, come on by and help us plant some trees!  (Bastrop was the site of the horrendous forest fire back in 2011.)  I might be bringing Baker, my grand-dog, with me.  The little pooch loves trees.  (He has some bark, too!)

Did you guys watch Downton Abbey last week?  The main characters are getting a little grouchy and short-tempered this season.  They may have to re-name the show “Downton Crabby.”   Since we’re on the subject of royalty, I would like to send my best to Judge Susan (the queen of our hearts!) and wish her a speedy recovery.  She had a torn mucus.  (Probably from blowing her nose too hard.)  Hang in there, your Honor!  This will soon blow over.  (Oops, I shouldn’t have used that word!)

Finally, in closing, I would like to remind all of you pet lovers (and who doesn’t love petting?) that almost 65% of American households own a pet, and that 44% of dogs sleep in bed with their owners.  (I was going to insert a joke about my wife, but then I remembered that she belongs to the NRA)  Honey, put the bullets away!  (The caliber of these jokes has got to improve!)

Well, my dear friends, have a safe and wonderful week.  Next Sunday, God willing, I will have a VERY special announcement that has absolutely nothing to do with my tax evasion case.  Until then, love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

January 12, 2014

INVASION OF THE BOOK PEOPLE!

MY GOODNESS, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE TITLE OF A 1950s HORROR MOVIE!  But it’s not…  In fact, it’s just the opposite of horrible, it’s some more wonderful news!  I love sharing good news with my blog followers, and today I have something splendid to share…..  Starting next Tuesday, January 14, 2014, all 3 of the “Adam Gold Mystery Novels” will be featured and sold at Austin’s most prestigious book store….. BookPeople!  (Located on N. Lamar Blvd.)  Yep, you read right, the good folks of Central Texas will now be able to purchase all of my books at a traditional book store, as well as on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, and the Nook.

Two days ago I signed a contract with the store, and starting next Tuesday, the books (THE GRACELAND GANG, THE PIRATE PATH, and DEVIL’S COVE) will be featured at the front table as you walk into the store!  (Where the “best-sellers” are sold)  I will attach the covers at the end of this blog, just in case you forgot what they look like.  By the way, I will also be featured in their newsletter and in their online book catalogue, so if you can, please spread the word.  Incidentally, none of this would have been possible without you guys, so THANK YOU!

In other news, our 3-day winter has finally ended.  Whew, that was a rough few days!  How cold did it get down here in Austin?  Well, thanks to that darn polar vortex, Texas inmates were BEGGING for the electric chair!  People were getting the cold shoulder everywhere they went!  It was too frigid to get into a heated argument!  Our politicians had their hands in their own pockets!  (Now THAT’S cold)

I may have a book signing/lecture in San Antonio next week.  (Depending on the weather.)  I hope it comes off, because I would love to go back to El Mirador restaurant for a bowl of sopa de lima or chile de arbol.  If you ever find yourself in the historic King William neighborhood, you must stop in for some of Maria Trevino’s amazing food.  (Her family is keeping her reputation alive and well.)  Es muy bueno!

Finally, I was chatting with a neighbor yesterday, and he asked me what I thought about same sex marriage.  I told him that I’ve been having the same sex for the last 35 years!  I did ask my wife if she wanted me to take Viagra.  She told me to start with NoDoz, whatever that is.  Women!

Well, on that note, I wish you all a safe and pleasant week.  I might have another major announcement next week, so keep those cards and letters coming!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

gracelandgangcoverpiratepathcoverdevilscovecover

January 5, 2014

WHEN YOUR NUMBER IS UP…..

IT’S GREAT NEWS!  (IF YOU’RE A WRITER)  Otherwise, not so much.  The year end blog statistics have recently been published by WordPress, and once again, our little blog has achieved immorality!  Make that, immortality.  How you ask?  Well, first of all, our blog finished in the top 5% of all blogs on the Internet!  An amazing accomplishment that I wish to thank you for… no joking, I couldn’t have done it without you guys.  Secondly, we had a very healthy increase in readership.  We now have…..  (drum roll, please) ….. 6,500 followers in 40 countries!  All I can say is Wow and Thank You!

Last week, our esteemed publisher announced that THE GRACELAND GANG, THE PIRATE PATH, and DEVIL’S COVE have been translated into several foreign languages….. French, Spanish, Italian, and German!  All 3 mysteries are now available in those countries in their native tongue!  (I once felt some native tongues, but that’s another story…  I was on a study-abroad trip.  So, naturally, I studied some broads!)  Anyway, this is wonderful news, and all of my books can now be ordered in the above languages on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com

NOW FOR THE BIG BOOK NEWS…..   My recently paroled literary agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, scored a major publishing victory on my behalf.  My first two books have been approved by some sort of screening committee in Beijing, and they will now be available, in Chinese, throughout the country of China!  Hot dog!  I mean, egg roll!  If our commie friends like inscrutable mysteries, then I’m their man!  Seriously though, I would like to thank Mr. Berkowitz (who I never stop teasing) and the government of China.  Hopefully, we will make a small fortune, cookie!

Finally, a word of thanks to Mr. Gary Rubenstein, the “Lobster King” of Austin, Texas.  He played Santa “Claws” last week and concocted a marvelous lobster casserole for New Year’s Eve.  Today, we are celebrating his wife’s 39th birthday at our house… and we went overboard with the food.  (Actually, we threw the food overboard, but I digress.)  Not to worry, though.  Miss Jaime will be pleasantly surprised.  (If she likes fast food.)

One last item…..  I want to send my love and kisses to a potentially new blog follower who was born last week….. my niece, Lindsay, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Scarlett.  Welcome to our world, Miss Scarlett!  I hear you read my last blog and threw up?  Personally, I think it was the mashed carrots, but then again, I’m an optimist!  Don’t forget to change your diapers frequently, and I wish you well in the maternity ward.  (Watch those male babies, and don’t give out your phone number.)

Happy New Year once again!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

January 1, 2014

NEVER POST WITH A HANGOVER!

WELL, AS PART OF MY CONTINUING EDUCATION ABOUT BLOGGING, I HEREBY SUGGEST THAT NOBODY TRY TO POST ANYTHING AFTER TWO BOTTLES OF HIGH-QUALITY FRENCH CHAMPAGNE!  THOSE WHO DOUBT MY SAGE ADVICE SIMPLY NEED TO READ THE PRECEDING POST!  (VERY UNUSUAL FORMAT, EH?)

IF YOU ASK ME, THE FORMAT RESEMBLES MY ACTUAL BRAIN THE DAY AFTER NEW YEAR’S EVE!  (I BLAME THE PARTY HOSTS, GARY AND JAIME RUBENSTEIN)

THEY WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER (JESSE JAMES LIPSCHITZ) IN THE NEAR FUTURE!   UNTIL THEN……

HAPPY NEW YEAR!   (WHAT YEAR IS IT?)

DOC YANOFF

 

December 29, 2013

A HAPPY HILL COUNTRY HOLIDAY!

HOWDY BUCKEROOS AND BUCKETTES!  I hope y’all had a wonderful holiday.  Ma and Pa Kettle (Patty and I) spent the last few days on the McCloskey Ranch, in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, wining and dining with family and friends.  Our most groovy adventure began on the Riverwalk in San Antonio.  Hey, am I dating myself by using the word “groovy?”  I used to date myself in high school, but that’s another story.  (I was very lonely.)  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, the Riverwalk.  Well, we strolled along the lovely river and then made our way to Mi Tierra Mexican Restaurant, the world’s BEST Mexican restaurant!  After two (fabulous) margaritas, we feasted on a truly memorable meal.

Now don’t get mad at me, but… I ate a kid!  I know it sounds cruel, but the kid was stewed to perfection and the meat literally fell off the bones.  This particular kid was served with rice and beans!  Well, you know what they say, “kids should be stewed, not herded.”  (Don’t call the police, a “kid” is a baby goat!)  Which reminds me, our waiter really “got my goat!”  There wasn’t a baaaaad piece on my plate!

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at Tim McCloskey’s humble abode, and his very significant other, Miss Hannah, rustled up some mighty good grubs, I mean, grub.  We dined on a magnificent rib roast and maple ham, and then had the pleasure of watching Colton McCloskey drink an entire bottle of port!  (almost)  After dinner, we entered a cut-throat poker tournament, featuring the “Magical Minard Brothers,” (Andrew and Jeff) who just happen to be fine fellows and great card players.  (I think their mother cheats, but I will tell the story of the 3 queens at a later date!)

Being a true cowboy, I decided to go horseback riding on the way back to Austin.  Unfortunately, we stopped at a place that only had one horse!  A mare named Molasses.  She refused to gallop during the day.  (She was a “night mare.”)  Definitely not a “stable” animal!  I rode bareback for a while, but then I got cold and put my shirt back on.  All right, enough horsing around…..

In closing, I wish to thank Sarah Doolittle, a prominent reporter from the Four Points News, for her wonderful article, illuminating my illustrious writing career.  Sarah recently penned a great article about me, and if you would like to read it, just Google:  Four Points News.  Click on the December 25, 2013 issue.  You will see my mug on the front page (in color!) and a long article about my books.  Thanks again, Sarah!

Finally, my next blog will be a special year-end treat for all of you Marx Brothers fans out there.  You won’t want to miss this one!  As I bid you farewell today, I ask that you ponder the following enigma…..  What makes teflon stick to a pan???

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 22, 2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL!

NONE OF THAT P.C. GARBAGE FOR ME!  I still say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kindly Kwanzaa, or Far-Out Festivus!  I am such a rebel!  Hey, do you think elves listen to “wrap music” when they’re mailing gifts?  I used to think that Santa was Polish, because I kept hearing about the North Pole.  I love the holiday season, but I have one bad memory.  I was an ugly child.  My parents used to hang me up and kiss the mistletoe!  The best present I ever got was a subscription to National Geographic Magazine.  (You guys know where I’m coming from!)

Speaking of presents…..  I received a lovely compliment from Mr. Larry Wood, a prominent land development and construction consultant here in Austin.  Larry lived next door to the great mystery writer, Mickey Spillane, and they spent a lot of time together back in Myrtle Beach, S.C.  (Spillane wrote the “Mike Hammer Series.”)  After reading DEVIL’S COVE, my third mystery, Larry told me that I was just as good a writer as Mickey Spillane, if not better!  Wow, what a nice thing to say!  (I just hope I sell as many books!)

My second “present” of the week came from Max and Barbara Talbott, my dear friends who hosted a spectacular holiday dinner at the Austin Club.  The food, company, and conversation were top notch.  The club is housed in the old Millett Opera House, which was built in 1878, and is still a beauty.  Many famous people have performed there, including John L. Sullivan, John Phillip Sousa, Lily Langtry, and the most famous of all, me!  (My comedy routine was cut short by a slice of coconut cake.)

And since we’re on the subject of great evenings…..  Our birthday dinner honoring the Princess of Portugal (last Sunday) was a huge success.  Nobody got in a fight and nobody got arrested.  There was only one argument about “Duck Dynasty.”  Which reminds me,  I never order duck in a restaurant.  (I always get stuck with “the bill!”)

Well, believe it or not, I’m off to play Santa Claus.  I will be making the rounds in my neighborhood, delivering free copies of THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH.  (The books are free, but I charge twenty dollars for an autograph!)  Just kidding.  In closing, I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and I truly hope that you and yours have a wonderful day.  As Tiny Tim said, “God Bless Us All!”  Amen.

Ho-Ho-Ho and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 15, 2013

“TIME” MARCHES ON!

Without me!  Well, once again, I did not win TIME Magazine’s “Man of the Year Award.”  Somehow, Pope Francis won.  Naturally I asked for a recount of the votes, but I am not holding my breath.  (The last time I held my breath it made me “blue!”)  Since I lost, I thought I’d ask His Holiness to convey sainthood upon me, but no dice.  (Did you know that the Vatican prefers Catholics?  What’s up with that?)  Anyway, I received a lovely email from the Pope (in Latin!) suggesting that I forward proof of 3 miracles that I have performed, and upon verification, they will consider a “saint-like” designation for me.  Thus, I have sent the following miracles to Rome:

Miracle 1.     I took the garbage can out to the curb 4 weeks in a row!  (Unfortunately, I only brought it back twice.)

Miracle 2.    I refrained from telling a bad joke for 8 hours!  (I was sleeping, but it still counts.)

Miracle 3.    I remembered the date of my wedding anniversary!

In case you’re wondering, my 7-year tenure at St. Edward’s University will mean bonus points for my cause.  (assuming I return a few library books.)  I shall keep you informed of my progress.  So what else is new?  Well, last Thursday was the annual River Place Garden Club Christmas Party.  Each year the club holds a “white elephant,” but I don’t usually participate because I have no idea where to purchase a pale pachyderm.  This year the party was hosted by the lovely and talented Jane Malone, and as usual, it was great fun.  Thank you, Jane!  You have a magnificent home!

Speaking of magnificent hosts and homes….. John and Andrea Schleich hosted a wonderful holiday get-together on Friday evening.  (In their new custom home!)  We were lucky enough to meet Andrea’s parents and children, and being from the heartland (Nebraska) they were all the most delightful people you can imagine.  Welcome to the neighborhood!  We look forward to seeing you in the near future.

NOW FOR SOME BOOK NEWS…..   I was recently informed that my first two mystery novels (THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH) will soon be translated into French, Spanish, and Italian, due to a strong demand in those countries!  This is the most wonderful news an author can get, and as you might imagine, the translated copies greatly increase sales.  I would like to thank Murder Ink Press and Penguin Books for their continued support of my fledgling career.  You folks are the best!

Tonight we are hosting a birthday party for Helena de la Bomblatus, a Portuguese princess from the Azores.  I understand that the princess is bringing her husband  (some sort of duke) and an interpreter from the islands.  I don’t normally hob nob with royalty (unless I’m holding a royal flush in poker) so this should be a wonderful fun-filled evening.  I will have to watch my manners, though.  (No picking my teeth with a knife.)

Well, you must excuse me.  I need to try on my tuxedo.  God, I look like a penguin.  (See how I worked in another reference to Penguin Books?)  Yeah, I’m shameless.  Have a wonderful week…. and be careful.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 11, 2013

LOOKING FOR A FANTASTIC XMAS GIFT?

Are you rascals looking for a unique Christmas gift this holiday season?  If so, Murder Ink Press is proud to offer a fully revised edition of America’s best-selling mystery novels.  These award winning books can be purchased separately or in a 3-volume set.  Autographed copies are available!

Simply log on to Amazon.com and type in my name!

 

devilscovecover piratepathcover gracelandgangcover