November 9, 2014

AMAZING GRACELAND!

I ONCE WAS LOST…  But now my mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, can be found!  Where?  Why, at Graceland, the home of the King, Elvis Presley!  Yes, my dear friends, I am thrilled to report that my first “Adam Gold Mystery” has been reviewed and accepted by the OFFICIAL website for all things Elvis!  You (and 300 million others) can now purchase the book at:   Graceland at Shop.com

As you might guess, this website handles the full line of Elvis products sanctioned by the Elvis Presley Estate, which is very picky about the items they allow to be sold under their own imprimatur.  After reading my brilliant novel (and taking pity on me) they decided to list my book on their website for the next few years!  Naturally, I was giddy, as this will expose my humble novel to a VAST audience in America and around the world.  (I have often thought of exposing more of myself, but the wife wouldn’t let me.)  All I can say is, “long live the King!”  (And a serious thank you to Pricilla Presley and the Presley Estate.)

So what else is new?  Hey, I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of people who are too lazy to work, but then turn around and ask us for money!  But enough about the White House and Congress.  Did you remember to exercise your right to vote?  I was going to vote, but when I heard it was an exercise, I changed my mind.  I always vote for myself anyway.  During the last election, I received 3 votes.  I voted for myself, and my mother voted for me twice.  (She lives in Chicago.)  I’m not great in math, but by my calculation, it’s going to take a while to win a seat.  (Which is why I like to stand.)

Speaking of math, I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 different types of people in the world.  People who are good in math, and those that are not.  I could be wrong, but that’s the way it adds up to me.  Like I said, math is not my strong suit.  Back in high school, I would bring a rabbit to class whenever we had a math test.  (I heard they multiplied quickly)  When I got to college, I brought a Playboy bunny with me.  I didn’t do any better on the test, but frankly, I didn’t give a damn.

Just a final (thank God) reminder that I will be featured on VoiceAmerica radio this coming Wednesday evening.  (6:15 p.m. Central Time)  I will be interviewed by Cynthia Brian, who is known in the radio world as “The Oprah of the Airwaves.”  If you get a chance, give a listen.  Hopefully, Ms. Brian will offer me a car at the end of the program.

Tomorrow (Monday) I have the honor of attending a military funeral for the late Richard Bomblatus, who served his country with distinction.  Mr. Bomblatus will be buried at the Central Texas Veteran’s Cemetery, near Fort Hood.  Like all our wonderful vets, he deserves a huge thank you for his service.

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of attending a little surprise party for Miss Joyce, the lovely mother of Jaime Rubenstein, and the mother-in-law of Gary Rubenstein.  I’m glad I brought an expensive gift, because Gary managed to convince the Captain and crew of the Queen Elizabeth Cruise Ship to feature my non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING!  Don’t ask me how he did it, but the book was literally in every nook and cranny of the ship!  (I know, there are a lot of books on the Nook.  Ha-ha.)  I am seriously considering firing my present publicist (Blind Bernie Kivowitz) and hiring Gary.  (The guy is a marketing genius!)

Well, it’s time for me to consume some “health food waffles” that you-know-who is insisting I try.  This recipe has two cups of bran and some other nasty looking fiber!  One portion of these waffles, and you’ll be forced to “run” for office!  By the way, remind me to tell you how the Chinese pronounce Election Day.

Happy trials, I mean, trails!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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November 2, 2014

HAPPY HALLOWEEN IN 2014!

So, did  you enjoy the day associated with scary and spooky creatures who roam the underworld in a relentless pursuit of evil and mayhem?  Oh wait, Tuesday is Election Day.  Never mind.  Let’s start with Halloween…  Did you know that this “holiday” began in Ireland?  (roughly 2,000 years ago!)  Irish immigrants brought the festivities to America, which now spends nearly 9 BILLION dollars a year on candy, costumes, and pediatric dentistry!  Halloween, believe it or not, produces the second most spending of the year.  (Christmas is first)  Would you like to guess what the number one candy might be?  I’ll give you a hint:  “Don’t SNICKER at the answer.”   By the way, after my clue, if you said Twix, you need to run for political office!

Strangely enough, we (in America) are also “celebrating” the end of Daylight Saving Time.  I’m not sure, but I think we’re supposed to mess with our clocks.  If I remember correctly, it’s “Spring Back and Fall Forward,” or maybe “Spring Forward and Fall Back.” Just do one or the other and sooner or later you’ll have the correct time.  Be patient.

By the way, did you know that there are two states that DO NOT observe Daylight Saving Time.  (No, one of them is not Arkansas!)  They are Arizona and Hawaii.  Oddly enough, the Navajo Tribe in Arizona does observe the time change, but the Hopi Tribe does not!  (I “Hopi” this is correct, but you “Navajo.”)  Don’t ask me why.  I thought both tribes might have certain “reservations.”  (Ouch!)

So what else is new?  Well, don’t forget that on Wednesday, November 11, I will be featured on World Talk Radio.  (VoiceAmerica)  My interview is scheduled for 6:15 p.m. Central Time.  The host and I will be discussing my brilliant new book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  The program, as I have previously mentioned, reaches an estimated audience of 4.5 million listeners in 219 countries.  Still, we have plenty of room, so try to join the fun!

Speaking of fun, the Texas Book Festival was a huge success for everyone involved.  As you might know, we sold a ton of books (mystery novels and the non-fiction book) and met some wonderful authors and book lovers.  There were two best-selling mystery authors in our pavilion tent, me and a gentleman named Patrick Kelly, the author of HILL COUNTRY GREED.  If you get a chance, check out Patrick’s books.  I think you will really enjoy them.  (I will attach some photographs of the Festival at the end of this blog.)

Also in the realm of fun (sort of) our darling “niece” Laura just delivered a gorgeous baby girl in the great state of Oklahoma!  When I say “delivered,” I am not referring to FedEx or UPS, I mean delivered as in gave birth!  Congratulations to mom and dad (Laura and Steve) and also to our dear friends Barbara and Max.  (Now known as Grandma and Grandpa Talbott!)  Please encourage your precious baby (Miss Auden) to immediately become a blog follower.  She will undoubtedly love my blog, since it is quite infantile.  (Make that “young at heart.”)

Finally, I would like to give a little shout out to Jaime and Gary Rubenstein, who will be hosting today’s gala surprise party for Miss Joyce, Jaime’s lovely and talented mother. The hosts just returned from a round-the-world cruise (well, half the world at least) and should have some wonderful stories to share.  Hopefully, they wore the modest T-shirts (emblazoned with my photograph) that I gave them before they left.  I think they may have worn the shirts, because ISIS is on the run.  (Hey, if you saw my face, you might run away, too!)

Well, my dear friends, I hope you enjoy your upcoming week.  Please remember to vote on Tuesday, and if you don’t want to waste your vote, please cast a write-in ballot with my name.  (Just a reminder, there are two “Fs” in Yanoff.)  If you forget that, just think of my math and English grades!  Take care, and love to all …

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October 26, 2014

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING…

IS A VERY GOOD THING, INDEED!  However, it can occasionally lead to what is called an “embarrassment of riches.”  I am referring to my Saturday appearance at the Texas Book Festival, and the fact that we sold our ENTIRE inventory of books (5 cases!) by five o’clock that evening.  Yikes!  Of course I’m not really embarrassed about that, nor have I become filthy rich, but I am truly astonished by the sheer number of book lovers who participated in this event.  (The estimated crowd?  20,000 people!)  Saturday’s weather was sunny and warm, which was also perfect.)

As I mentioned, we sold a ton of books, met lots of wonderful people, and were visited throughout the day by family and friends.  (and the random pet!)  What more could a “starving artist” ask for?  How about some crab crakes?  Well, believe it or not, we got those, too!  And a lovely bottle of wine!  (Courtesy of my publisher, Murder Ink Press.)  By the time I finished autographing books (and drinking wine) I was almost comatose.  Yeah, I know, it’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!

Just for the record, THE SECOND MOURNING was our best-selling book, followed by DEVIL’S COVE, THE PIRATE PATH, and THE GRACELAND GANG.  Interestingly, that was the exact order (in reverse) in which the books were written.  Hmmm.  I wonder what that means?

Well, now it’s onward and upward, as I prepare for my radio interview on VOICE AMERICA.  Just a friendly reminder:  I will be featured on “Star Style,” on Wednesday, November 12, 2014.  From 4-5 p.m.  (Pacific Time)  If you miss the “live” interview you can still listen to the program by going to the station’s archive page:                                                                 http://www.VoiceAmerica.com/show/2206/be-the-star-you-are

So what else is new?  Tuesday is Election Day.  (whoopee)   There are troubling signs for both parties…..  On the Democratic side, the Secret Service recently arrested a White House intruder who was jumping over the fence to get OUT of the White House!  At a polling station, another man shouted at the President to “stay away from my girlfriend!”  (Rumor has it that the girlfriend was a Democrat running for re-election!)  The Republicans are in trouble, too.  The party recently suggested that the state of Florida be split into two states!  (They would be known as “Geezerville” and “Methylvania.”)  Breaking bad!

I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of hearing about Ebola.  (Oops, poor choice of words!)  I’ll bet that joke almost “flu” over your head!  Anyway, there’s no reason to panic.  Which reminds me, did you hear that New York and New Jersey have banned Peggy Lee’s song “FEVER?”  Jeez, what’s next?  “Touch Me In The Morning?”  Enough is enough!

My own wife has gone crazy, worrying about too much physical contact.  In an effort to distract me, she has recently filled our water bed with bass!  (So much for “luring” me to bed!)  I told her to straighten up or I’d find a female fishing partner.  (I think they’re called “hookers,” but don’t quote me on that.)  Anyway, I hear they fall for any line.  (If I called one of those naughty girls I’d end up in a “cast!”)

Well, enough bad fishing puns and enough medical jargon.  Time to go outside and do some real jargon.  Where are my running shoes?  They ran away?!  (Thank God)  Have a safe and happy week and we will meet again next Sunday.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

October 12, 2014

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG SCHTICK!

I’m not sure who said that, but I think it was either Theodore Roosevelt or Shecky Greene…  In any case, I concur with the sentiment, which is why I am pleased to announce that yours truly will soon be featured on…  (are you sitting down?) …  THE LARGEST RADIO NETWORK IN THE WORLD!  That’s right, my dear blog followers, thanks to your continued encouragement and support I have now become a “highly sought after personality.”  (Which is similar to being on America’s Most Wanted, but different.)

Where was I?  Oh yes, the radio program.  I have recently formalized a written agreement to be the featured author on “Star Style,” an award-winning radio program now in its 17th season.  The program is hosted by Cynthia Brian, (a hugely popular radio personality) and is broadcast by Voice America/World Talk Radio.  Here’s the coolest part…..  the program is broadcast to 219 countries and has a current listening audience of 4.5 MILLION listeners!

Yikes, I’d better be coherent and glib!  Guess why?  The show is done LIVE!  No rehearsals, no tape, no second chances!  (Not much pressure there!)  Hopefully, there will only be 3.5 MILLION people listening.  (I prefer smaller audiences.)  Now for the details….  (I’ll wait while you grab a pen and paper)  OK, here goes…..   The LIVE 20-minute interview will be broadcast on Wednesday, November 12, 2014.  The show comes on at 4-5 p.m. Pacific Time, which means that my Texas friends will hear it 3 hours later.  (My interview slot has been assigned a specific time, which is 7:15 to 7:40 p.m. EASTERN TIME.)

MORE GOOD NEWS…  If you do not own a radio, or have dinner plans on November 12th, you can access the entire interview on the radio station’s archive site.  (Which means that you can listen to it over and over, like I’m going to do.)  All you have to do is get your hands on a computer and go to:   http://www.VoiceAmerica.com/show/2206/be-the-star-you-are

So what else is new?  As a public service I would like to remind you of the symptoms of Ebola. The virus will cause headaches, feelings of nausea, and is difficult to get rid of.  (Much like a politician.)  I’m starting to think that Kim Jong Un, the North Korean dictator, might have contracted the disease.  The poor guy has vanished!  He didn’t even go to George Clooney’s wedding.  The North Koreans sent his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un.

The head of the Secret Service was recently fired.  (She had to jump over the White House fence to turn in her office keys!)  The whacko that broke into the White House was inside a lot longer than we were told.  He was there long enough to be appointed Acting Secretary of Agriculture!  Then the President gets on an elevator with a civilian who was carrying a loaded weapon.  Thank God Ray Rice wasn’t on the elevator!

Chelsea Clinton’s new daughter just uttered her first word!  She reportedly said, “I-O-W-A.”

The government of Turkey has finally announced that it will join America’s fight against ISIS.  Unfortunately, they didn’t indicate whose side they will be on.  But do not fear!  Those cold-blooded bastards in ISIS will soon surrender to us.  They were recently told that Sylvester Stallone is contemplating another “Rocky” movie.  (Their leader supposedly said, “How much can we take!”)

Today I find myself in sunny Florida, basking on the beach in Boca Raton.  We have had 5 days of perfect weather, and the food has been outstanding.  We are eating lots of bagels and have seen some “bay-gulls” flying around.  I have also seen many bikini-clad women, and surprisingly, most of them DO NOT want their photographs taken… even from behind.  What’s the story with that?  I told one lady that I will take just one shot, and then we’ll see what “develops.”  (She threatened to take one shot at me!)

Well, I must leave you now…  we are off to see my sister, Jan, down in Fort Lauderdale.  Which reminds me, today’s blog is dedicated to a very special man who recently passed away.  My smart and talented brother-in-law (Larry Baum) recently lost his favorite uncle, who was one of the sweetest and kindest men I ever met.  So this one’s for you, Heshy!

And as for the rest of you…  please have a safe and joyous week!  Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and we shall meet again soon.  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  I forgot to mention that my upcoming radio interview will be covering THE SECOND MOURNING, my non-fiction book.  The host just finished reading the book and loved it, so that will be our main emphasis.

 

October 5, 2014

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR!

YOU PROBABLY WONDER WHERE I ARE…  I MEAN, WHERE I WAS!  Well, rather than keep you guessing, I’ll just tell you that I spent Saturday evening in the charming town of Lockhart, Texas.  (“The Barbecue Capital of The World!)  Last night, I was one of the featured authors at the gala event known as Evening With The Authors, and even though I might be considered a “little star,” I still had a twinkle in my eye!  Ah, what a marvelous time was had by all…  The event was held at Judge Rebecca Hawener’s enchanting garden estate, a lovely setting festooned with an incredible array of flora and fauna.  (Flora was the woman sitting beside me.)

The grounds were decorated with lovely plants, flower arrangements, and special lighting.  (I was the only “dim thing” present!)  Each author had their own table, designated by a huge neon sign (just kidding) and was chaperoned through the evening by a series of wonderful volunteer guides.  Our first guide was an interesting and intelligent woman named Linda Brooks, and she was simply a marvelous hostess.  In fact, every volunteer we met was just wonderful, and I can see why Lockhart is such a pleasant place to live.  The town is filled with sweet, pleasant folks.  (Folks who love to read, too!)

I met a couple of wonderful ladies from Barnes & Noble Book Sellers, and they were kind enough to feature all 3 of my mystery novels, plus my new non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  I understand that my history book was actually the best seller of the evening, and for that, I am extremely grateful.  (No, I didn’t buy 30 copies!)  The hard-working ladies from Barnes & Noble set up a book tent, handled the sales, and provided the perfect venue for browsing throughout the evening.

Patty and I were amazed by all of the people who love American history, and we got to meet some truly incredible folks who were quite anxious to learn about President Garfield’s assassination.  I must have autographed at least 5,000 books (slight exaggeration here) but I loved every minute, and the best part was meeting so many interesting citizens.  Life is good, especially in a small town.  Even better in a small town with 4 great barbecue joints!

In case you’re wondering, we didn’t dine on barbecue.  The fare consisted of healthy cuisine, including a shrimp-filled paella and lots of green salads.  (See what happens when women run the show?)  If men were in charge, we would have feasted on brisket and ribs, and consumed copious amounts of Lone Star Beer.  With the ladies running things, we were treated to an endless supply of good wine from the Pleasant Hill Winery.  Of course, there were several tables of homemade desserts, but I resisted the temptation!  (My motto is still:  “Boys who eat sweets, take up two seats!”)

I might have mentioned this already, but all net proceeds went to support the Dr. Eugene Clark Library of Lockhart.  If you live in Texas, you should definitely plan a trip to Lockhart, which represents the best characteristics of American life.  You will meet a lot of honest, decent, hard-working folks who will make you feel proud to live in such a great country as ours.  You will also be treated to some mighty good food, so come hungry!

Finally, in celebration of my newest Adam Gold Mystery (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) I am now packing for another book tour/road trip/vacation to sunny Florida!  I am not quite sure of our itinerary, but my publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, tells me that we have some intriguing stops along the way.  (God knows what that means!)  Our last “intriguing” venture resulted in a stiff fine and a suspended jail sentence!  If any of my blog followers know the name of a reliable bail bondsman, please forward asap.

In closing, I would like to assure you that I will definitely NOT be exercising  during this outing.  In fact, if my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there!

Have a safe and wonderful week!  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  I will post some photographs of last night’s event in the near future!

 

 

 

September 28, 2014

THE BIRTH OF A NOTION!

I know, I know, it’s supposed to be “The Birth of a Nation.”  Well, I wasn’t referring to D.W. Griffith, or for that matter, Melanie Griffith.  My “notion” pertains to a new idea I had for a book, which has recently come to life!  Yes, my friends, despite my advanced age, I have become the proud parent of a new bundle of joy, titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  I “delivered” my 6 lb. 3 oz. baby to the publisher on Friday, which was great timing, mainly because the media was going gaga over Chelsea Clinton’s baby girl.  (Her delivery got a little more coverage than mine.  What’s the story with that?)

Charlotte Clinton is a precious little girl and I wish her happiness, health, and success.  I understand that she caused a little ruckus in the maternity ward… apparently she was caught handing out voter registration forms to the infants in the ward!  Half of the babies took the form and half spit up or fell asleep.  This is to be expected, since we live in a country that has become a blue diaper/pink diaper place.  Jeez, can’t we bury the pacifier and just get along?

Speaking of getting along, this past week was another fast-paced affair, centered around the wonderful world of book promotions.  Earlier in the week, I drove up to lovely Georgetown and spoke to a local book club.  The ladies were kind enough to show me around town and buy me lunch.  We went to Roots Bistro, which features a wonderful sandwich called the “Kitchen Sink.”  (Topped with meat, bacon, sausage, spinach, olives, and whatever else is laying around.)  Great place and great sandwich, but if you eat the entire thing, you will need a toilet instead of a sink!  (Just saying.)

After a brief stop at Inner Space Caverns, we drove over to El Monumento, a marvelous watering hole frequented by the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, two of my most loyal fans.  If you head up to Georgetown when it’s warm, you should also try to visit the Blue Hole, which is a swimming spot on the San Gabriel River.  Unfortunately, there was no nude swimming.  (I brought the camera for nothing.)  Ah well, such is life.

By the way, I have a wonderful announcement…..  Our blog site (and I do mean “ours” because I could not have done it without you!) has reached a new plateau!  A new level!  The pinochle of success!  We now have…..  (drum roll, please) …..  7,000 blog followers!  I think we might reach 10,000 by spring, but in any case, this is great news.  Again, I would like to personally thank each and every one of my sweet Sunday readers!  If you have any friends that you think would enjoy the blog, please feel free to guide them here!  All are welcome.

When I heard the news about the birth of Charlotte Clinton, I started to think about my own daughters.  (I have two.)  We were debating whether to have a third child, but to be perfectly honest, my wife and I knew very little about S-E-X.  In fact, the only thing my parents told me was that the man goes on top, and the woman on the bottom.  So we went out and bought a bunk bed!  (Man, talk about a long distance relationship!)  Well, all this talk about children has made me bankrupt, I mean hungry, so I must leave you now.  (The pancakes need to be turned over, and my wife is too lazy to step out of the shower, dry off, and flip them over.  Women!)

Have a wonderful week… and as a special surprise, I am attaching (hopefully) the first rendition of the front book cover for RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  Do me a favor, if you can, and let me know what you think.  This is just the first “drawing” but I would love to hear your opinion about the general concept.  Thanks!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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September 21, 2014

NOTHING IS SET IN STONE!

Really?  What about Mt. Rushmore?  What’s that, paper mache?  I think not.  (Which is what my teachers used to say about me!)  Anyway, I was recently watching the marvelous PBS series on the Roosevelts, and I started thinking about lasting legacies.  Closest I ever got was a rash in high school, but that’s a long story.  (And I’m not a “rash person!”)  Where was I?  Oh yes, Mt. Rushmore…  So can you name the 4 American Presidents that are depicted in stone?  I will list them at the end of this blog.  (No cheating!)

The main sculptor was an interesting fellow named Gutzon Borglum.  His parents were Danish emigrants.  (He became a great dane!)  My parents loved danish, but I digress.  Borglum learned his craft from his dad, which made him a “chip off the old block.”  He became a great sculptor, but he was a bit of a chisler.  (No surprise, there.)  Actually, he hardly ever used a chisel.  Believe it or not, 90% of Mt. Rushmore was created with dynamite!  It took Borglum 14 years to finish his project, but what else was there to do in South Dakota?  (North Dakota is a different story.)

Speaking of things to do…..  Don’t forget that yours truly will be one of the featured authors at the upcoming gala event called “Evening With The Authors.”  This glorious event is being held to benefit the Dr. Eugene Clark Library of Lockhart, Texas.  I will be representing the “mystery category,” and will be joined by other best-selling authors, including Sarah Bird, James Magnuson, and Mark Twain.  (Please Note:  Mr. Twain has not formally accepted the invitation.  Knowing Twain, he is probably busy de-composing!)  If you need tickets, contact:  http://EveningWithTheAuthors.com

So what else is new?  Well, for one thing, archaeologists have recently announced the discovery of Richard III’s body!  British archaeologists (working with trained prairie dogs) uncovered his corpse and have positively identified his remains!  As you might recall, King Ricardo suffered from scoliosis of the spine.  (Please, no jokes about him bending over backwards to please people!)  He was killed at the battle of Bosworth in 1485, but before he died, he supposedly said, “My kingdom for a horse!”

In my opinion, he should have said, “My kingdom for a hearse,” but what do I know?  In any case, it’s a wonderful discovery, make no bones about it.  (Ouch!)

You know, I’m thinking about getting a dog and naming him “Five Miles.”  That way I can tell people that I walk five miles every day.  Incidentally, the PBS program pointed out that Theodore Roosevelt was a ruff rider.  He must have charged up San Juan Hill on a greyhound.

Have you noticed that my writing schtick resembles the Marx Brothers?  Well, that’s because my first full-length play was produced at the University of Texas when I was serving as their playwright-in-residence, and at that time, my ONLY goal was to follow in the footsteps of the gentlemen who wrote the original Marx Brothers movie scripts.  (Who also began as playwrights…..  George S. Kaufman, S.J. Perelman, etc.)  Today, amazingly, is the anniversary of that great literary production!  (The play, which was later published, was titled, A KNIGHT’S MIDSUMMER DREAM.)  My, how time flies.

And since we’re on the subject of flies, did I ever mention that my wife makes meals fit for a king?  (Here, King…  Here, King… )  Just kidding, dear.  Put down the rolling pin.  If she hits me on the head, she’ll make a bad impression!

Finally, I should mention that my poker career has re-ignited.  I made it to the final table at last week’s Steiner Ranch World Championship Invitational Poker Tournament & Beer Festival.  Not only did I win a (very) small fortune, but I sold several copies of THE SECOND MOURNING!

Well, I must leave thee now, as my breakfast awaits.  As I close, I am staring, rather fondly, at a sweet little tart.  (My wife is out of town!)  Have a wonderful week, and remember to laugh frequently!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  The four American Presidents on Mt. Rushmore are:  Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt.

 

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September 14, 2014

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!

WOW, did you folks catch a glimpse of that flaming asteroid that streaked by earth last weekend?  When it entered the earth’s atmosphere it broke into smaller pieces called hemorroids.  (I think that’s what they’re called.)  They are small, but dangerous and can be a real “pain in the butt.”  The smallest particles are very photogenic, and are known as polaroids.  I don’t know about you, but I love to gaze at heavenly bodies with my telescope.  (No, I don’t mean the neighbors.)  If you’e wondering how I know so much about astrology, it’s because I wanted to be an astronut when I was a young whipper-snapper.  In fact,  I went to college on a NASA scholarship.  Well, actually I was just taking up space, but you get the idea.

Hey, do you think an astronomer is the same thing as a night watchman?

Anyway, there are billions of asteroids in the solar system, so don’t worry if you missed the last dazzling show.  Did you know that the chance of asteroids colliding is roughly equivalent to winning the lottery every day for a week?  Strange, but true!  Of course, if an asteroid of any size does hit the earth, the results could prove fatal.  Just ask Fred Flintstone.  A big sucker hit our planet 65 million years ago, and contributed to the extinction of the dinosaurs!  (Although some think it was an STD.)

Since I live in Austin, I can tell you one thing…..  The stars at night are big and bright.  Deep in the heart of Texas.  The prairie sky…   Never mind, you get the picture.  Speaking of stars…..  my new book, THE SECOND MOURNING, recently received the equivalent of a 5-STAR review from Kirkus Book Reviews, the world’s largest book reviewer!  The critics were very kind, referring to my modest masterpiece as “An immensely readable narrative.”  They also said I was funny and handsome.  (All right, I made that last part up, but my mother thinks I’m nice.)

Sad about Joan Rivers.  Not a huge fan, but I did appreciate the fact that she spent her entire life making others laugh and smile.  I’ve been thinking about cremation this week, and although I am going to seek a traditional burial, I do have to admit that cremation would be my last chance to have a hot, smokin’ body!

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”  (Not exactly relevant, but I wanted to add some class to this blog post!)

Finally, some breaking news…..  I recently put the finishing touches on the fourth “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  I am happy to report that my publishers, Murder Ink Press/Penguin Books, loved the story and are hard at work designing an appropriate book cover!  Incidentally, the original cover concept was the work of my good friend, Vicki Kaufman, owner of Blue Heron Design Studio.  If you ever need any graphic designs, she’s the gal for you!  (She lives in Cedar Park, Texas.)

In closing, I would like to confirm the rumors that I will be at a book signing in Georgetown next week.  I’m not sure of the time and place, but I will post both as soon as I learn the details.  (Just keep the entire week open, OK?)  And remember, my dear friends, don’t take life so seriously.  It’s not like you’re going to get out alive!

Have a safe and joyous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  We wish a safe and wonderful voyage to our loyal blog followers, The Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee!  Bring me back a croissant!

 

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September 7, 2014

PROMISES, PROMISES!

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of participating in a charity poker tournament intended to raise funds for Africa’s Promise Village, a marvelous organization dedicated to providing clean (disease free) water and a good education to the children of Tanzania.  (As well as orphans throughout Africa.)  I am delighted to report that thousands of dollars were raised in this effort, and I would like to publicly acknowledged our tournament director, my good friend, Rich Walker.  Well done, Ricardo!  I didn’t win the safari trip, but I did get two tickets to the Bronx Zoo.  (The one BEHIND the bars!)

On Wednesday, the Princess of Portugal, and her distinguished husband, Baron Lee, kept a promise to me and hosted a gala lobster festival at their mansion in Round Rock.  Guests consumed an inordinate amount of crustacean meat, grilled corn, roasted potatoes, and several gallons of fine wine.  (All wine is fine with me!)  The evening was a complete success, and now I have some new tails, I mean tales, to share with my blog followers.  Do you think my hosts were trying to “butter me up?”  Hmm.

Speaking of promising events…..  the Darrell K. Royal Research Fund is raising money to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease, and you can help by contributing some moolah.  Mr. Chris Cutrone is doing his part (and then some) by serving on the Legacy Council.  (Chris is the son of the beautiful and talented Pat Cutrone, one of my charming friends from Austin.)      Chris’s father, Lee Cutrone Jr., one of the finest men I’ve ever met, was stricken with the disease at the age of 57.  If you can help, please contact Chris at the following address:

http://www.dkrfund.org/legacy-chris-cutrone.cfm

***  If you contribute $100 or more I will send you a FREE, autographed copy of one of my brilliant mystery novels!  As we say in Brooklyn, this is an offer you can’t refuse!

Since we’re on the subject of beautiful and talented women, I would like you to know that my wife is now taking dance lessons!  Her instructor is from Wausau, Poland, which is quite fitting.  (She wants to become a “pole dancer.”)  I would be a great dancer, except for two things.  My feet.  I’m not sure why my wife loves pole dancing, but it might have something to do with her first boyfriend, who was a fireman.  (Hey, just be grateful that I didn’t refer to him as an “old flame!”)

I’m scheduled to do a television interview later this week, which means that I’ll have to get all cleaned up and look presentable.  I hate grooming on a Sunday.  You brush your teeth, take a shower, shave, comb your hair, and one month later you have to start all over again.  Life ain’t fair.  If the interview proceeds according to plan, we will be discussing my non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  I’ll let you know when and where it will be shown.

Did you hear that they are now selling Italian ISIS in New York?  (Ouch!)

I inadvertently rented a Jewish porno film last night.  (One minute of sex, followed by 29 minutes of guilt!)  Oy vey, what do you say, take that ball, down the other way!  This was the one and only football cheer that I created for the Yeshiva University Football Team.  I don’t think they ever used it, but only because they had no team.  Who knew?

Well, my dear friends, thanks for your continued support and encouragement.  Have a safe and happy week and we will meet again next Sunday.  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff