September 30, 2012

LOVE THY NEIGHBORS!

I sure do! Especially after our recent book reading/book signing block party, held yesterday on Merrywing Circle in lovely Austin, Texas. We had a great turnout, and much to my surprise, I was the featured entertainment!

Bowing to popular demand (some were just kneeling) I read several excerpts from my new mystery novel THE PRESLEY PLOT. Much to my delight, nobody booed or threw any food, so I went on to discuss the perils and pitfalls of modern day publishing.

After a thunderous round of applause (Yes, it was raining) I held a Q & A (Question and Answer) session, and that too went quite well. In fact, it was the first time I’ve held such a session outside of a police department, and I found it very educational. There were some great questions. I answered all of them as honestly as I could, but I did make up the part about me being nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. (Nobody challenged me, so I threw in the Oscar and Emmy for good measure.)

As a token of my appreciation to our hosts, the lovely and talented Erika Lima, and her brilliant and sophisticated husband Francisco, I brought a bag filled with books and gave each neighbor an autographed copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT. (Two wanted money, but they settled for the book.) Our neighbors were simply overjoyed, but just between you and me, I think a few of them thought that I was Stephen King.)

Nevertheless, a wonderful time was had by all. The event was sort of a “pot luck” deal, meaning that each neighbor brought a different dish and some liquid refreshments tailored toward adults. (i.e., booze) Patty’s pasta was the hit of the party, but all of the food was good, and so was the company.

One neighbor told me that if I was ever in his area I should drive by his house.

Hey, what did he mean by that?

Well, buckeroos, I have some gardening to do, so I must bid you farewell.

Keep those cards and letters coming and remember never to squat with your spurs on!

Happy trails!

Doc Yanoff

September 28, 2012

QUEENS AND KINGS… ARE WONDERFUL THINGS!

GOOD AFTERNOON, FELLOW STALACITES!

I say stalacites, because like me, you are “hanging in there.” Uh oh, I’m off to a “rocky” start. What can I say? I have a “cavernous” mind. Well, I’m sure you get “the point.”

All right, no more mineral or stone jokes!

Who do I think I am, Chris Rock? Billy “Crystal?” I think not! (I had to get those two out of my system.)

Anyway….. I used the above heading (Queens and Kings) not to reference THE PRESLEY PLOT and The King, but to point out that I have been spending way too much time playing the cruel and devious game of Texas Hold ‘Em Poker. True, I have been winning loads of chips from my fellow gambling enthusiasts, but man does not live by “bread” alone. (Especially in France.)

I have made the “Final Table” (sounds like an autopsy thing) in the last 3 poker tournaments! (With little or no cheating I might add!) Naturally, my brilliant card play has resulted in a huge increase in my overall ranking and point accumulation. If I keep playing at this level, I will become a gambling legend throughout the Southwest and in two or three counties in rural Arkansas. Time will tell if I make the move to Vegas, but since I detest casinos, I doubt it. (No light, no sun, no fresh air, no fun!)

Yesterday was enjoyable and profitable for another reason….. I had a long overdue reunion with Terri Schexnayder and Helen Ginger, the two wonderful women who used to run the Writers’ League of Texas during its heyday. They looked marvelous, and as I expected, they are still accomplishing some wonderful things here in Austin. Those two are a class act! (More about the purpose of our meeting in a future blog….. but hold onto your hats, because it’s quite exciting!)

I also had a great meeting with Larry Brill, the former television newscaster and talented producer of “Writing Across Texas.” (Which in my humble opinion, was the best show ever produced in Austin. And I’m not just saying that because I was one of the interviewers!) Larry is also a class act, and in addition to his thriving media career, he is also an author! He has written several books and one day I expect to see his name on the New York Times Bestseller List. If any of you folks need a great media person, Larry Brill is the man to call. (Listed, of course, under Brill Media in the phone book.)

Finally, on this day, in 1957, the Long-Playing Album “ELVIS PRESLEY’ reached number one on the Billboard album chart and stayed there for six weeks. When you get a chance, ask someone under the age of 30 to describe a “Long Playing Album.” Trust me, you will have a good laugh! (One of my college students thought a turn table was something that a bird sat on!)

I think he was confusing “turn” with “tern.”

Well, in any case, it’s my turn to say adios! Have a great day and make somebody smile…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

September 14, 2012

FLEA MARKET MANIA!

SO….. a while back, as I was ruminating about my trip to France… and discussing some of the French masters, I signed out by saying “Au Renoir!” (Instead of “au revoir!)

Well….. apparently my harmless little joke set off a chain of cosmic events that culminated in a brief, but shining example of serendipity! (What the heck is he babbling about now?) First, my definition of “serendipity.” Which to me, is like searching for a needle in a haystack and finding the farmer’s daughter! In other words, incredible good luck. So, to what cosmic-like happening am I referring? (Fasten your seat belts, art lovers!)

Two days ago, as I was putting the finishing touches on my second mystery novel titled MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE, an actual RENOIR came on the market in a most unusual fashion! Several years before, a Virginia woman went to a local flea market (ostensibly to buy fleas) but ended up plunking down $7.00 for a little framed painting that she thought was a “poor copy” of Renoir’s painting style. Well, fast forward several years, and guess what? The woman now owns a bona fide work by Pierre-Auguste Renoir!! (I wonder which summer month Renoir liked the most?) Anyway, the French impressionist was very talented. (They say he did a great Elvis impersonation!) He was also a decent painter.

How decent you ask?

The Potomac auction house handling the sale is expecting a MINIMUM bid of….. $100,000! (And if you want more than the frame, bring a lot of loot!) Just between you and me, this little darling is going to fetch much, much more. How do I know? Because I know something others don’t. (This guy Renoir is dead! No more paintings from him!) By the way, in case you are interested, the painting goes on the auction block on September 29th. (No out-of-town checks will be accepted.)

For you cultured types, the painting dates back to 1879 (the year before James Garfield was elected President!) and is titled…… “Paysage Bords de Seine.” (Which in English, means “Landscape on the Banks of the Seine.”) Having just come from Paris, I can tell you that there are many banks along the Seine, but the exchange rate stinks!) I hope the French go back to using francs. (The Germans could then use sausage!) Hot dog! I would “relish” such a monetary shift.

And speaking of francs….. one of the few things that is known about the Renoir painting is that it was purchased by a French art gallery in June 1925 from a woman who called herself Madame Papillon for 5,000 francs. (Remember the movie called “Papillon?” Starring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman?) Just coincidence? I think not, monsieur! Want to hear something even weirder? “Papillon” is the French word for butterfly! And Steve McQueen’s last name? Yeah, now you know where I’m going….. Butterfly McQueen! Just another coincidence? I think not again! (I’m spending too much time on the computer.)

Well, in all seriousness, I think this is a fascinating story. I will never, ever make fun of folks who go to the flea market again! (Unless they come back with a Rembrandt.)

Have a wonderful weekend! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

September 12, 2012

THE GOOD BOOK….. THE VERY GOOD BOOK!

No, my friends, not THE PRESLEY PLOT! The other Good Book. (The Holy Bible) I have some interesting news to report, and as you might imagine, it will be the “gospel truth!” (Surely you saw that one coming!) Well, in any case, check this out…..

A bible once owned by ELVIS PRESLEY (a Chrisitmas gift from his uncle way back in 1957) was recently sold at auction (in England) for the incredibly sum of ….. 59,000 Pounds!

So, you might wonder, how much would that be in U.S. currency? How does $94,000 sound? (I hope it sounds good, because that’s the amount.) My mom always said that the Scriptures can enrich the soul, but she never mentioned an exact number.

I had heard rumors about this auction when I was in London two weeks ago, but I had no idea that the worn and tattered Bible would fetch such a handsome price. The big numbers are usually reserved for books or manuscripts that are in good to excellent condition. The Presley Bible was in fair condition at best, but that just proves how valuable anything connected to the King can be. When I heard the news I wondered what two reels of never-before-heard songs by Elvis Presley might be worth. Just between you and me, that would be a good plot for a mystery novel. (Sounds a little familiar to me!)

Anyway, I understand that an American gentleman was the winning bidder, but the dear boy did not wish to be identified. (NO, it was not me!) However, I should mention that there were over 300 bidders involved at the auction and hundreds more bidding online. (Including a certain mystery author from Austin, Texas.) In case you’re curious, the Bible was leather-bound with gold lettering on the cover. Roughly 1600 pages long. And now for the best part….. there were at least 20-30 annotations by the King himself! (How cool!)

One of the entries written by ELVIS read….. “To judge a man by his weakest link or deed is like judging the power of the ocean by one wave.” (I always attributed this saying to Jacques Cousteau, but I guess I was wrong.) Nevertheless, it is a very deep thought and speaks volumes about the man himself. I wonder what he was referring to? I don’t suppose we will ever know for sure, but it’s quite intriguing.

Finally, in light of my September 4th blog (“I see London, I see France… “) you might be interested to know that one of the few items that did NOT sell was a pair of underwear once worn by Elvis himself! Would this be considered a “stain” on the event? The underwear was shown “briefly,” but alas, there were no bidders. Again, I do not wish to make a “big flap,” about this, but I am surprised. (I can’t think of any Fruit of the Loom jokes, so let’s move on.)

On my next blog post I have some exciting news about our blog membership level and all of the new outlets that are now offering THE PRESLEY PLOT.

If I were you, I would stay home, forget about work, grab a cold beer, and wait for the next post. (Welcome to my world!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

September 9, 2012

“THE PRESLEY PLOT”….. A FRENCH BESTSELLER!

Excusez-moi, mesdames et monssieurs!

I almost forgot to mention that THE PRESLEY PLOT (“Le Complot Presley”) is now the number one bestselling mystery novel at the world famous Le Meridien Etoile bookstore in Paris! (Eat your heart out, E.L. James!)

Proving that they have exquisite taste, the Parisians gobbled up each and every copy that I provided! (That dang suitcase weighed a ton!) In England, THE PRESLEY PLOT was selling for 10 pounds, which is roughly $15 here in the U.S. If I recall, the French were selling the book for about 12 eruos, which is about the same, give or take a few cents. All very confusing, but that’s show biz.

I wish to publicly thank the Meridien Hotel group for their kindness. (Do you think a “French Toast” would be appropriate?) Why not….. Vive la France! Incidentally, they were also sweet enough to provide a very lovely room upgrade on my return visit… a great room overlooking the Eiffel Tower! Very kind and most memorable.

In truth, the “French Connection,” (meaning the bookstore) was a complete surprise, and I am most grateful to the charming demoiselle that offered to feature my modest tale. (I do feel a little guilty. I told her that I was Victor Hugo’s great-grandson.) What some folks won’t do for fame!

Hopefully my commission will be paid in euros. (Then I’ll have to go back to Paris to spend all that loot!) And you thought being a writer was easy? Ha! The pressure never stops! (All right, maybe it lets up a little while you’re munching on caviar and drinking champagne, but that’s about it.) By the way, the French word “etoile,” means “star” in English. Now I ask you, was there ever a bigger star than Elvis Presley? I think not. Another strange coincidence!

Well, I must leave you now. I am flipping through a catalog of French countryside chateaus….. just in case THE PRESLEY PLOT takes off. I’m torn between the Medoc region and Burgundy. Decisions, decisions! I guess it will come down to wine. I’ll keep you informed of my progress…..

L’Amour pour tous…..

Au Renoir,

Doc Yanoff

September 4, 2012

I SAW LONDON, I SAW FRANCE, I SAW ELVIS UNDERPANTS!

No kidding. Whilst walking around a London department store, I spotted a pair of Elvis boxer shorts! The King’s image was in all the wrong places, if you know what I mean. (Let’s not make a big “flap” out of this.) I did NOT buy a pair, but I was tempted. Nevertheless, this proves that some people will do anything to get close to Elvis. (A little too close, if you ask me!)

I am writing to you from my boyhood home, a quaint and quiet village called Manhattan. Home to a mere 12 million residents, all of them willing to greet you with a smile and a handshake. (Some loose change required.) Ah, the joy of communal fellowship! Here everyone is strange, I mean, there are no strangers. Everyone seems to know your name… if you name is “Hey, Buddy.”

But I digress…… While I am waiting for my limo to arrive, I will share some final thoughts about my trip. First, old chap, we turn to England…..

Did you ever wonder where all of those shabby clothes from the sixties went? The tie-dyed shirts, striped pants, bad hats, etc.? They were shipped to London!

Americans put cheese on everything. The British will only put cheese on a stale cracker.

The British do NOT believe in air-conditioning, cold beer, or ice. (They are a very warm people.)

The British speak English. We speak American. (Know what I mean, dude?)

AND LEST WE FORGET OUR FRIENDS IN FRANCE…….

The French understand odors. (Think perfume) In most of their hotels the toilet is separated from the sink and shower. Believe me, this is a fantastic idea. Think how many friendships and marriages could be saved if we adopted this design. (We would probably cut our divorce rate in half, maybe more in Texas, where we consume a lot of beans.)

Paris is the undisputed capital of ugly sneakers and hideous shoes, but the women and men wear lovely scarves. (The Arab women wear scarves, too. Unfortunately, they only wear black, and black is soooo yesterday.)

NOBODY in the entire country of France understands the tipping system.

Quiche Lorraine is not a real woman.

Roquefort cheese can destroy a marriage. (Unless your spouse likes the smell of dirty socks.)

Never order Beef Wellington, or anything else named Wellington, in France.

AND FINALLY…… ENGLAND AND FRANCE ARE SIMPLY WONDERFUL!

GREAT FOOD, GREAT HISTORY, GREAT PEOPLE, GREAT ALLIES!

IF YOU GET A CHANCE…. GO!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

September 1, 2012

AVIGNON… ARLES… AU REVOIR!

Well, in the words of William Jefferson Clinton, all good things must come to an end! (Oui, Monica!) The time has come to bid farewell to France, and even though I enjoyed every minute, just in the nick of time….. My liver is turning into foie gras and my brain into pate! (All things considered, not such a bad way to go.) Nevertheless, it is time to go, and I must say it has been quite a party.

Yesterday was spent in Avignon, once a Papal residence. The old town is surrounded by a three-mile long wall fortified with 39 towers and a pair of pits. (Or was that parapet?) In any case, the place was built in the 13oo’s, which speaks well for the building unions of that time. There are some cracks here and there, but by in large, it has held up well. (Reminds me of a few mademoislles I saw!) After an intriguing tour of the Papal Palace, we strolled over to Le Pont d’ Avignon, the most famous bridge in France. French children learn to sing a nursery rhyme about the bridge at a very young age. I think Simon and Garfunkel also wrote a song about the bridge. Here in lovely Avignon I had the best coffee and quiche of my life, plus I met a guy in the village square who was the runner-up for Pope during the last installation. (He took the defeat rather hard and is now selling postcards.)

Today was spent in Arles, which rhymes with “Carl,” but without the “C.” (French ain’t easy!) Arles has the most impressive Roman remains outside of Italy and Hoboken, New Jersey. The town is simply stunning, and as some of you know, it is closely associated with a very famous painter named Norman Rockwell. Wait, I got that last part wrong! I meant to say Vincent van Gogh.

Poor Vincent led a troubled life. If you ask me, he moved around too much. (Dare I say that he was a “moving” van?) So where, you might wonder, did Van go? Well, he traveled all over France but spent 15 happy months painting in Arles. I think this was after he cut off his ear, which the locals thought was “eerie.” (I was going to go with “irritating,” but it was too easy.) Walking around the old city, we actually got to see some of the locations that he painted, and that was very interesting. The man was definitely talented, but he was no Olaf Weighorst. (There was a man who could paint horses!)

This afternoon, we drove to a working olive farm (mainly because it didn’t make any sense to visit a non-working farm) and learned how olive juice, I mean, olive oil is made. It was very “depressing.” (Think olive press.) By the way, the Countess thought that an olive press was the local newspaper! Sometimes that girl is the “pits.”

All right, no more olive puns!

After sampling some great olives and olive oil, we drove up to a Medieval fortification and had time to tour a small, but fascinating museum dedicated to Grace Kelly! (Her hubby was part of the Grimaldi family, which once owned most of the land in the area.) The Mistral (cold winds) were acting up a bit, but we were still able to see many fascinating sites, including a breathtaking view of the Mediterranean.

Well, it is time to pack the ship towels, I mean, our clothes. Tomorrow we take the High-Speed train back to Paris, spend the night, then fly back to New York City for some badly needed rest. (This vacation wore me out!) Thank you all for following my Elvis/Travel Blog for the last few weeks. I have had over 1,000 blog hits since we landed in London, and at last count, I’ve heard from 33 different countries!!

I am VERY flattered that so many people took the time to read my blog! Sincerely, I thank each and every one of you, and I hope I brought a little smile to your face. You will hear from me soon…. whence I return to the Lone Star State and catch up with the mail!

Au revoir, my friends!

Monsieur Stephen….. A homesick American!

August 21, 2012

THE BRITISH ARE COMING! (WE SHOULD ONLY BE SO LUCKY!)

Good evening, my royal subjects…..

Well, as many of you know, Paul Revere (who I have always “revered”) was a colonial patriot who rode through the suburbs of Boston shouting that “the British are coming!” Why he had to shout I do not know, but now that I have spent a few days in London, I must confess that I absolutely adore our British cousins and would gladly welcome them to invade our country once again. (But we already pay enough taxes, thank you very much!) Taxation aside (even with representation) the Brits are more than welcome to stay with me any time they come to the Lone Star State. (For you folks in Arkansas, that would be Texas.)

After our lovely breakfast at the Egerton House, where we met two of the nicest people on Earth (Mr. Sohail Jaffer and his beautiful wife) we took a cab up to the British Museum, and all I can say is….. WOW! The place was filled with old stuff, but still very impressive. Truly one of the best museums in the world, and so big that it would even look oversized in Texas! (Now that’s big.) Being a semi-famous writer, my first stop was the William Shakespeare room. The man was an obvious genius, even though he never wrote a word about Elvis Presley. (THE PRESLEY PLOT would have made a terrific play, and I might send a copy to the folks at the Globe Theatre just to get their reaction.)

My favorite two stops (after Bill Shakespeare) were seeing the Rosetta Stone, which next to Mick Jagger, is the most famous stone in Great Britain, and viewing the Elgin Marbles brought to the museum by Lord Elgin. (Whose family also makes great jalapeno sausage.) Lord Elgin, as you may remember, “borrowed” the stones from the Parthenon in Athens, but has yet to return them. (Personally, I think the Greeks lost their marbles way before Lord Elgin, but who am I, an amateur archaeologist to say?)

In any case, the marble columns and statues are now brilliantly displayed in the museum for all to see, and they are quite impressive. (Lady Spendthrift thought they showed a little too much “masculinity,” but I was kind of impressed with the dimensions of the ancient Greeks.) Some of the statues may have been Roman, but as they say in Astoria, it was Greek to me.

When we returned to the Egerton House, which just might be the best hotel in our solar system, we were in for a real treat! First, we met the charming and talented Antonio, a 40-year employee of the hotel, who is quite conceivably the best bartender in the Universe! (I shall describe my wonderful martini at a later date!) Then we dined at Mamounia Restaurant, which not only serves the BEST lamb tangine ever made by human hands, but also employs several of the MOST beautiful young ladies I have ever seen! One was more beautiful than the next! I had a hard time eating, but somehow I managed to overeat again! (I am, after all, a professional gourmand)

I may be adopting a gorgeous young lady from Hungary! And one from Poland! And another from Ethiopia! Nevermind, I’ll take them all! (but they have to bring some lamb with them!) What a marvelous restaurant! If you go to London, you must stop by and try their amazing cuisine. (Bring a camera so you can take some photos of the beautiful ladies!)

Finally, when we returned to the hotel, the amazing staff (under the direction of the world’s best General Manager, Ms. Michelle Devlin) had arranged for a special surprise for us! The room was covered with rose petals! There were candles everywhere! Ice cold champagne! Soft music! Dim lights! (Unfortunately, I was by myself, as Lady Spendthrift was shopping at Harrod’s again, but I still had a romantic experience!) Just kidding, Mom. What a lovely and thoughtful surprise! Since I now have blog followers in 27 different countries, I would like to suggest that if you come to London, you MUST stay at the Egerton House. You will love it here, and will love everything about this hotel, especially the kindness and professionalism of the staff and management. (And you could not ask for a better location!)

Well, it’ time to clear off the rose petals and hit the sack….. tomorrow we are off for Paris…. which I think is somewhere in France. I can’t wait to show Lady Spendthrift how a guillotine works! (I hope she doesn’t “lose her head” during my lecture.)

Bon jour mon ami! I will write again soon…. (unless I decide to join the French Foreign Legion or the American Legion or the Elks Lodge.)

Ta-ta, old chaps……

Doc Yanoff (a/k/a Lord Sleepsalot)

August 21, 2012

LIVE FROM LONDON!

Good morning, ladies, lords, and assorted vagabonds……

Today I am “broadcasting” almost live (I’m still a little sleepy) from the lovely Egerton House Hotel in Knightsbridge. (An up and coming area of London!) Lady Spendthrift and I are having a jolly good time chatting with our British cousins, who have almost forgiven us for the Revolutionary War and the tiff of 1812. (I was gracious and told them that the second conflict could have gone either way.)

Now for an update…. THE PRESLEY PLOT is selling quite well here in London. Last night I gave a little speech in Chelsea, which is south of our hotel, maybe 2 miles as the crow flies. (Better make that pigeons!) I spent the evening in Chelsea. (No jokes, please.) Lovely area, reminds one (or two) of Greenwich Village, but without the garbage and with better beer. Her Ladyship and I consumed a few pints of lager at a local pub and then dined on some truly wonderful Indian cuisine at a restaurant called Chutney Mary. (Not to be confused with Bloody Mary.) The food, as they say on Long Island, was to die for! Best lamb of my life. Mary had a lot of lamb, lot of lamb, lot of lamb…… well, you know how the nursery rhyme goes.

Several minutes ago, I gave another amazing performance here at the Egerton House, speaking to a packed room filled with hung-over tourists dying to hear about my literary adventures. We met some wonderful people and made a lot of new friends, which is the point of this whole exercise. What a lovely crowd. And breakfast was once again marvelous!

In a moment we are going to hail a cab and wander up to the British Museum. I hear the place is packed with old stuff, but we are going anyway. I’m hoping they have some mummies for this daddy to view. (I wonder if mummies listen to “wrap” music?) Her Ladyship is still mad at me for that bathroom joke…… last night she wanted a glass of water at the Indian restaurant, so I told her to go into the “Water Closet,” which wasn’t really a closet, but did contain some water. (When Lords and Ladies use the bathroom is that considered a “Royal Flush?”) Ah well, she’ll get over it when she has a pint or two.

Today at breakfast we met a charming couple from Tunisia, so in their honor, we will dining on Tunisian food this evening. They pointed us in the right direction, so I’m sure we will be in for a treat. Believe it or not, I think I’ll be chowing down on lamb again. (We need to eat as many of them as we can, as they are truly vicious animals!) Besides, they like to “pull the wool” over people’s eyes, so who needs them.

*****A SPECIAL NOTE: I have met about 90 Londoners in regards to THE PRESLEY PLOT, and if you are reading this from London, please feel free to drop by or ring me up at the Egerton House. I will make every effort to say hello or autograph a copy of my book for you. And in any case, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!

And now we return to our regularly scheduled program…… I will write again soon, probably tomorrow when we arrive in Paris. (We are taking the chunnel in the tunnel at noon.) Whence we arrive in the City of Lights (not to be confused with Washington, D.C., the City of Dim Wits) we will be “hooking up” with our dear friends from Texas, Barbara and Max Talbott. Paris will never be the same!

By the way, in yesterday’s post, I misspelled the word HOOKAH. (I forgot to add the “h” at the end.) I apologize to any of you who frequent hookahs….. especially Lee Bomblatus, who is a legend in the Azores and in certain parts of Round Rock, Texas.

Well, I must run or I shall miss the grand exhibition at the British Museum….. please take care and have a wonderful day.

Cheerio and Rice Crispies……

Doc Yanoff….. The Galloping Gourmet!

August 20, 2012

ELVIS ON AVON!

So who cares about Stratford-on-Avon, the home of some British writing hack named Bill Shakespeare? Come on, people, we are talking about Elvis Presley….. and the amazing influence he had on our English cousins! Oddly enough, they are also celebrating (actually acknowledging) the anniversary of the King’s departure here in London town. Whence Lady Spendthrift (my wife) and I checked into our royal quarters in Buckingham Palace (actually The Egerton House Hotel) we ambled on down to Hyde Park (so named because it is well hidden from tourists like me) and as soon as we got through the hedgerow (not to be confused with the Heathrow) we were put upon by a band of ruffians! (actually three old ladies and one Elvis impersonator.)

As previously promised (to a local Elvis Presley Fan Club) I did some quick magic tricks to thunderous applause (all right, there might have been some booing and hissing) and then…… to everyone’s delight (except Lady Spendthrift) I read several pages from my brilliant mystery novel THE PRESLEY PLOT. I received another ovation (mainly sitting) as soon as I was finished reading! Hey, wait a minute, I wonder if they were clapping because I was done…… nevermind. At my age any applause is good.

For those of you who did not receive a personal email from me earlier this morning, I would like to say that London is quite charming and this hotel is truly exceptional. The flight from New York to London was rather smooth and easy, and because I’m so tough, I only needed 12 hours of sleep to recover! They don’t make men like me anymore. (No applause here!)

Last evening, her Ladyship and I dined on the best Lebanese food I ever had. Humus, pita, olives, green stuff. It was marvelous! This was an authentic place, and there were a number of folks from Arab countries in the restaurant. Believe it or not, there was a hooka right beside me! (Look it up, Helena!) I won’t go on and on about the hooka, but let’s just say she was curvaceous and hot and filled the room with steam!

Her Ladyship almost caused an international incident by trying to peek under an Arab chick’s veil, but I prevailed upon her to mind her own business. (Besides, some things are better left to the imagination!) Before we left, as a joke, I sold my wife to a very plump Sheik who was poorly dressed but dripping in diamonds. (You might say that he was an unchic sheik, if you like tongue twisters.) Anyway, I got two camels for my wife. Personally, I think she’s worth more than two cigarettes, but who am I to argue with a sheik? (When I balked, he threw in a goat. Now I can tell folks that I made a bad deal, but I really got his goat!)

I would love to hang around and amuse you further, but I am on my way to the Victoria and Albert Museum. These folks have a collection of great novels written by some of the English masters…… Lord Byron, Percy, Dickens, Lennon & McCartney, etc. Whence I arrive, I intend to ask the curator if he or she might be interested in purchasing a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT. Why go to a museum if there is no Elvis memorabilia? Hopefully they will have a keen eye for great writing and corny jokes.

Well, my friends, pip pip and cheerio! I am off to conquer the rest of London! (I wish my friend Norman was here. Then we could reenact the Norman Conquest.)

Have a safe and happy day and I will write again soon……

Doc Yanoff a/k/a Lord Sleepsalot!