The Second Mourning

December 20, 2015

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN!

Great movie, but that’s not what today’s blog post is referring to… no siree, Bob!

Who the heck is Bob?  Never mind.  Back to the headline…   Believe it or not, my humble historical manuscript, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just won its 7th book award of the year!  Yes siree, Bob, it’s true!  (This guy Bob is starting to get on my nerves.)  Anyway, here’s the Press Release that went out yesterday…..

(Associated Press, December 19, 2015)

“Margaret Brown, National Book Critics Circle Lifetime Member, has announced the six FINALISTS of the 2015 Shelf Unbound Writing Competition.  Stephen G. Yanoff, author of THE SECOND MOURNING, has been chosen as one of the finalists from an entrant list of over 2,000 writers, many of them established professional authors.  Yanoff’s highly acclaimed book has now won 7 major literary awards, making history in the publishing world.”

I won’t bore you with the entire press release, but if you would like to read a full length article about me and the book, simply go to:  Shelf Unbound Literary Magazine.  (December/January 2015 Issue)   You will find a flattering article (no, I didn’t write it!) by going to:   http://www.shelfmediagroup.com

So, what else is new?  Well, last night was the gala event of the year down here in lovely Austin…  The Third Annual Festivus For-the-best-of-us Dinner, hosted by the wonderful and generous Barbara and Max Talbott.  Once again, the affair was held at the historic Austin Club, which began life in 1878 as the Millet Opera House.  Do you folks know that I used to sing professionally?  Well, they asked me to sing solo.  (so low that nobody could hear me!)  Others thought I should sing tenor.  (ten or twelve miles down the road!)  Anyways it was another great evening, complete with champagne, wine, wonderful food, and great company.  (I am blowing a big kiss to the “Terrific Talbotts!”)

Poor Mother Teresa.  Did you see what the Pope wants to do to her?  He wants to shoot her out of a cannon!  No joke, they intend to canonize the poor woman.  I heard the Pope say that she was a great gal, but no saint.  Well, that’s about to change.  I assume you folks know that Mother Teresa cared for the leopards of Calcutta?  I knew there were tigers in India, but leopards, too?  I have a great deal of respect for Mother Teresa, but I think my wife should have been chosen.  (A lot of people have told me that my wife MUST be a saint!)

In case you’re planning on burglarizing my house, I would like to confirm that my next book tour will be in the sunny Caribbean, and I will be gone for 3 weeks.  (If you do decide to break in, please feed the pit bulls.  But NOT the alligators.)  My semi-honest publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, has booked a lovely suite for me on one of the Oceania Cruise Ships.  I will be sending daily updates on my pending incarceration, so stay tuned.  (I may need you to send bail money.)

Well, lest I run off and forget, allow me to wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR.  Thanks to you, I have had a marvelous year in the wonderful world of books, and I am most appreciative.  If I could, I would hug each and every one of my 23,000 blog followers!  Seriously, you folks are the best!  God bless each and every one of you, and we shall chat again in the New Year!  Until then, be safe and be happy…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

gracelandgangcoverpiratepathcoverDevilsCoveCoverRansomOnTheRhoneCoverSecondMourning

December 6, 2015

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE…..

Let’s face it, laughter is also the only medicine that is still affordable!  I just had my annual “wellness exam,” and well, it made me sick!  (The cost was quite high, but my Uncle Sam paid most of it.)  Getting older has its benefits, even if your “benefits”only cover 80% of your bills!  I guess I shouldn’t complain.  Some parts of the exam were very reasonably priced.  My doctor, Shakey Shlomowitz, only charges $19.95 for a full colonoscopy.  (The procedure is done at our local Jiffy-Lube, but they have good donuts in the waiting room.)  Ever hear the term “cold hands warm heart?”  Never mind.  Let’s move on.

The good doctor told me that I have the body of a much younger man.  (Who was King Tutankhamun?)  I’m not sure, but I think he was the Egyptian fellow who invented the Pyramid Scheme.  (That joke “sphinx!”)  Where was I?  Oh yeah, my medical results…  Everything (except my I.Q.) was normal or getting there.  If I can avoid strenuous work (i.e., taking out the garbage) I can look forward to a long and fruitful life.  (Unless I slip on a banana peel.)

So what else is new?  Well, I had a most enjoyable trip to Port O’Connor last week, even though I did not go fishing.  (Although I did cast a wide net in the literary world.)  I first went to Port O (as we locals call it) back in the late 1970s, and I have always enjoyed my visits.  (Especially when I catch some redfish or speckled trout!)  My favorite restaurant, Josie’s Mexican Food, is still in business, and still serves the best greasy enchiladas on the coast.  If you’re not “into” fishing, you can rent a kayak from Dolphin Kayak and paddle along the coast for hours.  (Or in my case, for several minutes.)  If fried food entices you, try the shrimp at Cathy’s Restaurant, but don’t tell her that I sent you.  (Who knew you were supposed to leave a tip?)

By the way, I only brought one case of books to Port O, but we sold every one of them!  (and gave several books as gifts)  The attendees seemed to crave mystery novels, so I brought down autographed copies of DEVIL’S COVE and RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  If you find yourself on the Texas coast, make sure you leave time to visit the Matagorda Island National Wildlife Refuge.  The place is simply magnificent.

Speaking of magnificent, I had a marvelous time at the Steiner Ranch Annual Poker & Barbecue Invitational Poker Tournament.  (known in the poker world as the S.R.A.P.B.I.P.T.)  I would like to thank our hosts, Rich and Sharon Walker, and the (semi) Honorable Kevin Evans, and the lovely Miss Pat Little for providing food, drink, and lousy cards!  In all seriousness, it was a fun evening, and we are all grateful for the efforts of so many nice people.  (Now, if I could only do something about those dang cards….. )

Incidentally, several of my loyal blog followers have inquired about the status of my next “Adam Gold Mystery.”  Fret not, as guitar players like to say, everything is coming along nicely.  The book (“A RUN FOR THE MONEY”) is being re-edited, typed, and blocked as we speak.  The cover will be addressed next week, so if you have any suggestions, please send them along.  (With a cash payment of $25 to cover my recent medical bills.)

Finally, I would like to remind you that there are 19 days left until Christmas, so you still have plenty of time to get your favorite author a little gift.  (I will post all of my sizes, except my waist size, on a future blog.)  Also, tonight at sundown, is the first night of Hanukkah, so allow me to wish all of my Jewish buddies a healthy and joyous week.  I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but one of my uncles actually thought that he was a matzo ball!  (Doc Shakey told him not to worry.  The feeling would “pass over!”)  Oy vey, what an ending!

Have a safe and prosperous week…..   Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

n57801613_31065789_7101

November 22, 2015

GETTING TO KNOW YOU …..

Getting to know all about you…   Remember those lyrics?  A wonderful song from “The King and I.”  (Which I thought was a musical about Elvis Presley!)  It was written by the team of Rogers and Hammerstein.  Who knew that Roy Rogers was so talented?  In any case, the good folks who inhabit the Leeward Islands will soon know me a lot better because I’m returning for another book tour/rum festival!  (The Leeward Islands are in the southern Caribbean, very close to the Backward Islands, but with a much smarter populace.)

Thanks to my recently-paroled publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, and the world’s best travel agent, Miss Lori “Let’s Rock” Randig, I shall be making landfall sometime in January, 2016.  I can’t wait to hit the beach, put the lime in de cocoanut, and swish it all around!  (One must be careful about too much swishing on the beach.)

The purpose of my highly-anticipated voyage is to lay the groundwork for a future appearance at several Caribbean book festivals.  I would like to set up a book table at the Antigua & Barbuda Literary Festival, the St. Lucia Lit Fest, and the Virgin Islands Book Fair on St. Croix.  These festivals attract thousands of visitors each year, and you can’t beat the atmosphere.  Lots of friendly faces and adoring fans, and superb beaches, too.  (I call it “Literature with a splash of lime!”)

This year’s itinerary will also include stops in San Juan, St. Bart’s, and St. Maarten.  I intend to pack plenty of books, plus a generous supply of sunscreen and Alka-Seltzer!

Speaking of delightful stops, I’d like to thank Judge Susan for dropping off a box of cheese pockets from Stein’s Bakery in Dallas.  (Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!)  Which reminds me, if you cut a petit fours in half, does it become a petit two?  Just asking.

Hey, since I mentioned Dallas, did you read about the American Airlines flight that was grounded by a hive of bees in one of the engines?  (No joke.)  If you didn’t, would you like to hear the latest “buzz?”  (Bad joke.)  The bees were very well groomed.  They all had “combs.”  (Worse joke.)  To keep them calm, the ground crew played music by…..  Sting!  (Worst one yet!)  Un-bee-lievable story, right?

By the way, I didn’t win the National Book Award, but believe it or not, I am about to be named in a paternity suit, I mean, another book contest!  I am not permitted to discuss the details until the winners have been officially announced, but I am a FINALIST, so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

Well, before I go, I would like to share a fascinating factoid.  Did you know that a whitetail deer can jump higher than the average house?  True fact.  This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.  (Write that down. You’ll thank me when you get on a game show!)

Auf wiedersehen and wiener-schnitzel until we meet again.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Where perchance do you think this photo was taken?

 

 

DSCN1426

November 8, 2015

AND THE WINNER IS …..

Blog followers of the universe, you’d better sit down…  I’ve got some wonderful news to share with you today…  Believe it or not, my nonfiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has won another book award!  I am proud to announce that my book has won Second Place in the SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA BOOK FESTIVAL, which described my humble tale as “one of the very best nonfiction books of 2015.”   The official awards ceremony will be held in Los Angeles on Saturday, November 21, and I have been asked to say a few words to the audience!  (Imagine me saying a “few” words to anyone?)  I don’t know if I’m going to the ceremony or not.  I was hoping for some sort of statue or bust to be erected!

In any case, I have been invited to sit at the “Table of Honor,” and I want to sincerely thank all of my blog followers for making this possible.  While you didn’t get to vote, your support and encouragement was vital, and I truly adore each and every one of my 24,000 followers.  If I could, I’ve give each one of you a big hug!

And speaking of big hugs, I’d like to thank a couple of book clubs for inviting me to speak about THE SECOND MOURNING and one of my mystery novels, DEVIL’S COVE.  How do I love thee?  (Elizabeth Barrett Browning might ask)  Well, I love thee a great deal, and I appreciate your invitations!  Last Monday, I had the pleasure of entertaining the famous “Royalty of Round Rock” Book Club, and it was truly an evening to remember.  The gala event was hosted by the gorgeous and gracious Ann Dodson and her equally ravishing sidekick, Sally Hooper.  (Talk about a dynamic duo!)  My “booking agent” was none other than Helena Bomblatus, a/k/a The Princess of Portugal.

Since we were discussing THE SECOND MOURNING, the Round Rock ladies decided to dress in black, as if they too were in mourning!  (I also spotted a few black veils and several handkerchiefs!)  The menu du jour (in honor of President Garfield’s Ohio roots) included a delicious concoction called “Cincinnati chili.”  The food, wine, and company were simply outstanding, and I am most grateful to all who participated in this memorable event.  (Even to those who remained fully dressed during my oration.)

A few days earlier, I had the pleasure of chatting with a prominent book club in River Place.  This stellar event was hosted by the lovely and talented Susy McIntyre, who certainly knows how to throw a good party.  Once again, the dinner and drinks were superb, and even though my voice was allergy-affected, we all had a marvelous evening.  I would also like to thank Sally Banta for extending the initial invitation, and Karee Barker for asking so many wise and wonderful questions.  Thank you, ladies.  (I will return the silverware after the holidays.)

On a humorous note, I see that the Austin Police busted up a meth lab that was operating in a dairy barn.  (There are no “sacred cows” in Texas!)  When I read the story, I immediately went into “pun overdrive.”  For instance…..   When the police broke down the barn door, did they yell “Nobody Moo!?”  Did the criminals complain that this was “udder nonsense?”  Was this the worse thing that “cud” happen?  (How many cow jokes does this guy have?)  All right, let’s put this routine “out to pasture.”

So, in lieu of “milking” this routine any further, allow me to bid you all a fond farewell.  I hope you have a safe and prosperous week, and we shall meet again in the very near future.  Until then, happy trails to you…..   Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

***P.S.  Attached you will find some photographs from the Round Rock Book Club Love & Literature Festival.  (I apologize for any nudity I may have missed!)

 

20151102_21233720151102_21264520151102_213053DSCN1420

 

 

 

October 25, 2015

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS!

No, I am not referring to the 30+ inches of rain that we’ve had down here in Texas.  (Anybody know where I can buy an ark?)  I know that some folks think I’m “all wet,” or a “drip,” and they happen to be right!  Even so, I hope that the rain keeps up.  (That way it won’t come down!)  Well, I hate to say it, but I am starting to miss the drought.  (At least it was sunny!)

In any case, the title of today’s blog does not refer to rain, but rather to another literary award that has recently been bestowed upon me.  Earlier this week, I was notified that my book, THE SECOND MOURNING, won the “Honorable Mention Award” (2nd place) in the 23rd ANNUAL WRITER’S DIGEST BOOK AWARD CONTEST!

This year’s contest was very competitive, attracting over 2,600 entries from around the globe.  (and several counties in Arkansas!)  My book was entered in the general non-fiction category, which was fiercely competitive.  (There were at least two Pulitzer Prize winners in contention for the award!)  Obviously, I am very grateful for this honor, which happens to be the 6th major award that THE SECOND MOURNING has won!  In addition to a generous cash prize, my book will be featured in the March/April 2016 issue of Writer’s Digest Magazine.  (You can read about the contest by going to http://www.writersdigest.com)

So what else is new?  Well, when I was a young man I wanted to be an auto mechanic.  Why?  Because I thought that it would be a good way to fulfill my “Manifold Destiny.”

I read that Oprah Winfrey purchased a 10% stake in Weight Watchers.  The last thing she needed to buy was another stake!  (steak?)  The beautiful and talented Maureen O’Hara has passed away.  Now there was a star.    Speaking of stars….  for those of you (like me) who enjoy watching the “Sherlock” series, take heart!  The producers will soon be presenting a 90-minute version of “The Abominable Bride.”  (Which has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with my wife!)  But here’s something cool….  Sherlock and Dr. Watson will be brought back to the 1890s during the episode.  This should be quite interesting!

And since we’re on the subject of interesting people…..  let me wish my cousin Max a Happy (belated) Birthday!  The Maxster refuses to reveal his true age, but I know he’s not near as old as Bernie Sanders.  (They asked Sanders how he would end the war and he told a reporter that he would never have sent troops to Richmond in the first place!)  If you me, that’s a rather “un-civil” answer!

In case you’re wondering, we are still searching for just the right cover for the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  If there are any up and coming (or even down and out) artists out there, please feel free to forward your ideas.  We are thinking about a race horse image, if that helps.  If you forward a clever idea, I promise to steal it and pass it off as my own without any financial compensation, so don’t delay!

Finally, on a serious note, our thoughts and prayers are with the good people of Stillwater, Oklahoma this weekend.  I know it sounds trite, but his too shall pass.  (I’m referring to the recent parade tragedy, which left at least 4 people dead.)

As for the rest of you rascals, please drive carefully and have a safe and happy week.  I look forward to sharing some “major” book news the next time we meet.  (No hints!)  Be well, and go placidly amid the noise and cedar pollen…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Anybody know where the attached photo was taken?

 

 

DSCN1159

October 11, 2015

BY THE TIME I GET TO PHOENIX…..

Wait a minute, I just got back from Florida, I’m not going to Arizona!  Dang, these extended book tours are starting to wear me out.  (They’re wearing out my tires, too!)  Another week, another 1,500 miles of travel, but I have to admit, it was wonderful.  The weather throughout Florida was simply magnificent, and I spent as much time in the water as on land.  I even signed some books on the beach.  (Bikini-clad bathers received a 10% discount…..  if they were female.)  We also got to rub elbows with a few celebrities.  Which reminds me, did you know that Burt Reynolds (who lives near Jupiter) is making a new movie about a stunt man who becomes a long-distance truck driver?  The movie will be called “Smokey and the Band-Aid.”  (Hey, the folks in Florida thought that was funny!)

The highlights of the road trip were dining on lobster rolls at a Delray Beach club and spending a few nights in a luxurious water-front mansion in Boca Raton.  Another fond memory, believe it or not, was stopping for coffee at Starbucks.  I know this sounds odd, but most of the stores leave a jar full of money on the counter, which I assume is for the patrons.  (In case you leave your wallet in the car.)  I always took a few dollars out of the jar, but being a generous person, I left them some change.  (mainly pennies.)  I wish more businesses would offer customers loot.

In case you’re wondering, the best-selling book of the trip was THE SECOND MOURNING.  (Followed by DEVIL’S COVE and RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)  All together, I must have signed several hundred copies, which would explain the finger cramps.  The stomach cramps were due to a foolish lunch at Cracker Barrel.  Avoid the chicken and dumplings.  (I could make a joke about the name of that dish, but I don’t want to ruin your Sunday breakfast!)

So what else is new?  Well, California governor Jerry Brown recently signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide.  (He could have saved himself some trouble and just told folks to eat at Cracker Barrel!)   I noticed that Bernie Sander’s slogan is “Feel The Bern.”  Funny, I thought that was Taco Bell’s slogan!  As a writer, of sorts, I suggest that we refer to the race between Jeb Bush and Donald Trump in literary terms.  Maybe we should call it the race between the tortoise and the bad hair?  (A fable-lous idea!)

Poor Martin O’Malley.  He’s still running for president, but he’s stuck at 2 percent in the polls.  Do you realize what this means?  After 8 months of campaigning, he’s tied with low-fat milk!  (Who says cream rises to the top?)

Incidentally, we had to cancel two book club meetings in South Carolina due to the recent storm that drenched the entire Carolina coast.  As some of you know, the next “Adam Gold Mystery” is set in the Low Country, mainly in Charleston and Beaufort.  The book is titled “A RUN FOR THE MONEY,” and is currently in the final stages of editing.  God-willing, the book should be available sometime in mid-January of 2016.  I will, as the mailman likes to say, keep you posted.

The months of October and November will be dedicated to some local book clubs and book store events, and I couldn’t be happier.  I really love the book tour gigs, but we have lovely fall weather down here in Texas, and it looks like our “home team” (University of Texas) is steadily improving in the rough and tumble world of collegiate football.  (Frankly, I enjoy the tailgating activities as much as the game!)  Which reminds me…..  I would like to thank my dear friend, Ted Heaton, for supplying some great tickets and a fabulous tailgating adventure.  Ted owns a local State Farm office, so if you need a great insurance broker, he’s your man.

In closing, allow me to wish all of you a safe and pleasant week.  The first person to correctly identify the location of the attached photograph will win a signed copy of THE GRACELAND GANG.  (There’s your hint!)  Good luck, and we shall speak again in the near future!  Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

DSCN1226gracelandgangcover

September 20, 2015

“THE PIRATE PATH” MAKES HISTORY!

Do you realize that yesterday (Saturday) was “Talk Like A Pirate Day?”  Aye, ’tis true, me hearties.  Shiver my timbers if somebody didn’t create a brand new holiday in order to celebrate my second mystery novel.  (The Pirate Path)  Well, at least I think that’s why they created the new holiday.  What other reason could there possibly be?  In any case, in order to celebrate the audacious occasion, I took my matey to a fancy pirate-like restaurant…  Long John Silver’s.  We ordered some special pirate-like grub and some rum.  Check this out… the restaurant was selling corn on the cob for …..  “A-buck-an-ear!”  (Ouch!)

Speaking of books…  The National Book Awards were recently announced, and I’m proud to report that my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECON MOURNING, was almost nominated.  (My mother forgot to return the nomination form.)  I’m not too upset.  Last year she returned the form but misspelled my name.  (She nominated Stephen “King” by accident.)  By the way, the winner of last week’s book contest was  Angelo Petraglino from Rome, Italy.  (The bridge photograph on the cover of THE PIRATE PATH was taken in Istanbul, Turkey.)  Congratulations, Angelo.  Your book is in the mail.

So what else is new?  Well, I just read that Kellogg’s Cereal was planning to donate millions of dollars to an African charity, but now they’re hesitating…  Tony the Tiger was apparently gunned down by a Minnesota dentist!

I just finished reading Hillary Clinton’s 45-page plan to be more spontaneous.  (As the old cowboy said, it was a “spur of the moment” decision.)

Did you watch the Miss America Contest?  Miss Georgia was crowned “Miss America.”  Miss Kentucky was chosen “Least Cooperative.”  (I refuse to explain these lame jokes!)

NBC just announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”  I don’t think Trump is going to be too happy when he learns that he’s being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby!

On the home front…   If I seem a little testy, it’s because I overslept and missed my exercise class this morning.  This is the fifteenth year in a row that’s happened.  My wife made me join “Orange Fitness.”  I only agreed because I thought she said “Orange Julius,” which is one of my favorite health food drinks.  Thank God the parking lot is usually filled.  (Good excuse to come back home for a beer.)  Hey, by the way, do you have to be pregnant to park in a “delivery zone?”

Speaking of deliveries…  I will soon be on my way east, bound for Florida and another highly anticipated book tour/road show.  I will post my official itinerary next week, in case you want to rob my house while I’m gone.  If you do break in, please remember to flush the toilets and feed the pit bulls.  (And watch those pesky land mines!)

In case you’re wondering, the next “Adam Gold Mystery” is currently being edited and will be published in early 2016.  The book is titled “A RUN FOR THE MONEY,” and this time Adam Gold will become embroiled in an insurance claim that involves grave robbing and a Thoroughbred horse murder.  As always, the story is basically true, and based upon an actual insurance claim handled by Mr. Gold’s real-life counterpart.  (Me!)  I think you folks are going to love the book.  The pre-reviews have been phenomenal.

Well, me buckos, time for this old pirate to walk the plank and head to breakfast.  I do hope you have a safe and joyful week.  We shall meet again at high tide, or ebb tide, or tide detergent.  You decide.  I’m hungry!      Love to all,

Doc Yanoff   (Sometimes known by my pirate moniker, “Captain Kidder.”)

 

P.S.  Any idea where or when the attached photograph was taken?

 

 

Elvis in the sand

September 6, 2015

QUIET ON THE SET!

There’s very little quiet on any set these days, but that’s because of the cable networks.  In any case, I wasn’t referring to television.  (By the way, why do they call it a television “set” when there is only one device?)  Where was I?  Oh yes, the quiet on the set thing.  Well, I’ve got some potentially good news to share with my 21,000 loyal blog followers……  There is a possibility, albeit remote, that my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, will be optioned for a movie later this year.  Are you folks familiar with a production company called “Infinitum Nihil?”  (Meaning “infinite nothing.”)  This is Johnny Depp’s company, operated by the old pirate and his sister.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  (Pirates always have to cross a few bones for luck!)

Speaking of luck…  I recently received two lovely gifts from two of my high school friends who are also blog followers.  First, I wish to thank the incredibly talented Joyce Harness McGregor for sending me a beautiful painting of my favorite bird.  (The red cardinal)  The painting is now hanging in my study for all to see.  Second, I would like to thank the brilliant Margaret Dinzler Shaw for sending me a copy of the book of essays she recently edited.  Good job, Margaret!

Incidentally, I recently received an invitation to become Facebook friends with the great Daniel Negreanu, one of the world’s best poker players.  Daniel is a fan of my mystery novels, and one of the truly nice guys on the professional poker circuit.  I wish him continued success at the tables, and urge him to wear the t-shirt I’m sending.  (The shirt displays a full face photo of President James A. Garfield on the front, and on the back it reads:  THE SECOND MOURNING.)  Dang shirt costs me five bucks to make!

Did you see that the CEO of Starbucks is telling his workers to be gentle with customers who may have lost money in the stock market last week?  Great advice from a guy who charges five dollars for a cup of coffee!  I’ve figured out how they get away with that…  they use Italian titles for all of their special drinks.  Makes the stuff sound fancy.  Hey, who charges more per cup, Starbucks or Victoria’s Secret?  (Both keep me up at night!)

My never-ending self-promoting book tour and tequila sampling took me to another fascinating location last week.  I spent a productive afternoon in lovely San Saba, the Pecan Capital of the World.  (Just think of all the “nut jokes” I could do right now!)  Believe it or not, the town produces over five million pounds of pecans every year!  They use pecans in almost everything down there, including beer, olive oil, pies, cakes, cookies, and pralines.  These items are not cheap.  You have to “shell out” some bucks if you want to eat well!  If you plan to stay f0r dinner, I’d try Diggs Restaurant & Club.  (Yummy steaks, cooked over….  pecan!)

Well, I must close now.  My new grand-daughter is expecting me, and if I show up late, she might need a diaper change.  (Man, if you guys thought an oil change was messy, you should see some of those diapers!)  How can anything so beautiful produce such a nasty odor?  Yes, dear pilgrims, the Lord works in mysterious ways!  (He also has a wicked sense of humor!)

Have a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again in the sweet by and by.  (or should I say, bye-bye?)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

P.S.   A free autographed book to the first person who can tell me where the attached photo was taken!

 

 

piratepathcover

 

 

 

August 23, 2015

TIME TO GET INTO (SHIP) SHAPE!

Well, it’s official, my fall/winter book tour itinerary will be centered around…  the Leeward Islands!  (Antigua, St. Martin, St. Kitts, etc.)  The folks on these islands are a little shy, unlike those who live on the Forward Islands, but I’m looking forward to a productive visit.  (Meaning that my hosts better produce some good rum!)  Believe it or not, my books are very popular in certain quarters.  In fact, that’s what my books sell for in the Caribbean, a quarter!  (I get a two-cent royalty on each book.)  Nonetheless, it will be good to “get out of town” during the cedar-allergy season here in Texas.

Speaking of “out of town,” some newscaster just asked Donald Trump how he intends to pay for the wall he wants to build between the United States and Mexico.  I didn’t like his answer.  He said, “No hablo Ingles.”     (What does that mean?)  Greek to me.  (Actually, it might be Spanish.)

And since we’re on the subject of “foreign tongues,” some chick named Ashley Madison has asked me to speak at her book club in Las Vegas.  (You can “bet” I won’t be coming.  Oops, poor choice of words.)  Make that, “going.”   Who is this woman, and how is her list any different than Emily’s List?  I think I’ll stick with Franz Joseph Liszt.  (He’s more “in tune” with my style of writing.)

Hey, did you see the latest literary nonsense from England?  Researchers are suggesting that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user!  Balderdash!  If that were true, he would have written the following lines:   “To be or not to be…  Wait, what was the question?”

The pharmaceutical industry will soon be offering something called “pink Viagra” for the ladies.  I’m not sure what that is, but it’s supposed to stimulate their gazebos.  I was thinking of buying some pills for my wife, but I think I’ll start with No-Doz.  (I’d be happy if she could just stay awake!)  Is that asking too much?

By the way, I’d like to thank my book club hosts over in Lufkin for sponsoring a very fun day.  Downtown Lufkin is lovely, and the food at Lufkin Bar-B-Que is excellent.  (You must try the deep-fried yeast rolls.)  The rolls come with a giant plate of succulent pork ribs.  Just ask for the “Dr. DeBakey Special.”  Your heart won’t thank you, but your stomach will.  In fact, if you eat all of the ribs and rolls, you’d better have a will!  (The written kind!)  While you are in town, you might want to visit the Texas Forestry Museum.  They asked me to leave because I kept shouting “timber!”  No problem, I was getting “board” anyway.

Incidentally, if you are the first person to correctly identify the nickname of this lovely East Texas region, you will win a free, autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  Good luck, and no cheating!  (Don’t call anyone in Lufkin.)  Finally, I would like to wish a speedy recovery to my first book editor, the brilliant (albeit unlucky) Ms. Barbara Talbott.  I cannot elaborate on her minor accident, but I can tell you that she may be going to Hollywood.  (She may get a part in a “cast!”)

Also, safe travels to the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, who are visiting their son in Portland, Oregon.  I just read that Bernie Sanders drew a crowd of 20,000 people in that city.  Of course, in Portland you can draw a crowd of 20,000 with a Frisbee.  (They read a lot of Shakespeare up there, if you know what I mean!)

Well, gang, time to go to brunch or lunch or whatever the heck you call a noon meal on Sunday.  Have yourself a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again, in early September.  Drive carefully, school is back in session!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

P.S.  The attached photograph is simply meant to lengthen this blog post!

 

 

 

DSCN1363

 

 

 

 

August 9, 2015

SOME LIKE IT HOT?

Maybe so, but not this hot!  Yikes, boys and girls, we’re in the middle of another heat wave!  (Why is it called a “wave” when there is no water or rain in sight?)  Dang, it’s really hot down here in Austin, Texas.  It’s so hot, the hens are laying hard boiled eggs!  It’s so hot, I saw two cedar trees fighting over a dog!  (Hey, wait a minute, didn’t we do enough “hot jokes” last time?)  All right, let’s move on to something more pleasant …..

Since we’re on the subject of “hot streaks,” allow me to (proudly) announce that THE SECOND MOURNING (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder) has recently been named as a FINALIST of the 2015 USA BEST BOOK AWARDS!  This honor caught me by surprise, and I am very grateful for the acknowledgement of my work.  Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals will be awarded in November, so keep your fingers crossed for me!

By the way, you can take a look at the review online.  Simply go to the USA BEST BOOK AWARDS website:   http://www.usabooknews.com/nonfichistory

So what else is new?  I just heard that Ultimate Frisbee has become an official Olympic sport.  (Participants will be REQUIRED to be on drugs!)  What’s next, Pachisi and Chinese Checkers?  I hear that Gov. Chris Christie is demanding Dominoes.  (Not the game, the pizza!)  Hey, how come Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream endorsed Bernie Sanders and not Chris Christie?  What’s the story with that?  Bernie Sanders is kind of old to become President.  Hell, he can still remember when Howard Johnson only had two flavors!  (Now that’s old.  Older than that joke!)

My recent book signing in lovely Marble Falls was a huge success.  (Some very big people were in the audience.)  They got big from eating at the Blue Bonnet Cafe!  (Yeah, I ate there, too.)  We feasted on some very good pies, and believe it or not, they actually have a “Pie Happy Hour!”  If you’re in the mood for a good slice of coconut cream pie, then this is the place to go.  When you’re done eating, head over to Save the World Brewing Company.  They offer some excellent Belgian-style brews.  (They go great with coconut cream pie!)  Thanks to the Chamber of Commerce for arranging a most interesting afternoon!

Finally, in closing, I would like to welcome my newest (and definitely youngest) blog follower to our Sunday get-together.  I don’t usually single out anyone, but this young lady is sort of special, and I’m very close to her mother.   Soooooo …..  without any further adieu, welcome to the club, Miss Goldie Delilah!  (Who just happens to be my newly born grand-daughter/tax deduction!)  Grandpa Steve sends his love!  (And don’t worry, you’ll like some of these jokes when you get older!)

Well, my dear friends, time to take my leave.  The temperatures for the next 3 days are expected to be…  104, 105, and 106!  Consequently, I must supervise my wife’s roofing chores this afternoon.  (She’s replacing a few loose tiles.)  Actually, I’m the one with a few loose tiles, but that’s a different story!  Have yourselves a safe and wonderful week…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Several of you have asked to see a photo of the “floating tavern” that visited us each day in the Caribbean.  Your wish is my command!  (SEE ATTACHED)

 

 

DSCN1558cropped-wallpapers-c2b7-nature-tropical-island-paradise.jpg