Well, it’s official, my fall/winter book tour itinerary will be centered around… the Leeward Islands! (Antigua, St. Martin, St. Kitts, etc.) The folks on these islands are a little shy, unlike those who live on the Forward Islands, but I’m looking forward to a productive visit. (Meaning that my hosts better produce some good rum!) Believe it or not, my books are very popular in certain quarters. In fact, that’s what my books sell for in the Caribbean, a quarter! (I get a two-cent royalty on each book.) Nonetheless, it will be good to “get out of town” during the cedar-allergy season here in Texas.
Speaking of “out of town,” some newscaster just asked Donald Trump how he intends to pay for the wall he wants to build between the United States and Mexico. I didn’t like his answer. He said, “No hablo Ingles.” (What does that mean?) Greek to me. (Actually, it might be Spanish.)
And since we’re on the subject of “foreign tongues,” some chick named Ashley Madison has asked me to speak at her book club in Las Vegas. (You can “bet” I won’t be coming. Oops, poor choice of words.) Make that, “going.” Who is this woman, and how is her list any different than Emily’s List? I think I’ll stick with Franz Joseph Liszt. (He’s more “in tune” with my style of writing.)
Hey, did you see the latest literary nonsense from England? Researchers are suggesting that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user! Balderdash! If that were true, he would have written the following lines: “To be or not to be… Wait, what was the question?”
The pharmaceutical industry will soon be offering something called “pink Viagra” for the ladies. I’m not sure what that is, but it’s supposed to stimulate their gazebos. I was thinking of buying some pills for my wife, but I think I’ll start with No-Doz. (I’d be happy if she could just stay awake!) Is that asking too much?
By the way, I’d like to thank my book club hosts over in Lufkin for sponsoring a very fun day. Downtown Lufkin is lovely, and the food at Lufkin Bar-B-Que is excellent. (You must try the deep-fried yeast rolls.) The rolls come with a giant plate of succulent pork ribs. Just ask for the “Dr. DeBakey Special.” Your heart won’t thank you, but your stomach will. In fact, if you eat all of the ribs and rolls, you’d better have a will! (The written kind!) While you are in town, you might want to visit the Texas Forestry Museum. They asked me to leave because I kept shouting “timber!” No problem, I was getting “board” anyway.
Incidentally, if you are the first person to correctly identify the nickname of this lovely East Texas region, you will win a free, autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE. Good luck, and no cheating! (Don’t call anyone in Lufkin.) Finally, I would like to wish a speedy recovery to my first book editor, the brilliant (albeit unlucky) Ms. Barbara Talbott. I cannot elaborate on her minor accident, but I can tell you that she may be going to Hollywood. (She may get a part in a “cast!”)
Also, safe travels to the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, who are visiting their son in Portland, Oregon. I just read that Bernie Sanders drew a crowd of 20,000 people in that city. Of course, in Portland you can draw a crowd of 20,000 with a Frisbee. (They read a lot of Shakespeare up there, if you know what I mean!)
Well, gang, time to go to brunch or lunch or whatever the heck you call a noon meal on Sunday. Have yourself a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again, in early September. Drive carefully, school is back in session! Love to all,
P.S. The attached photograph is simply meant to lengthen this blog post!