August 23, 2015

TIME TO GET INTO (SHIP) SHAPE!

Well, it’s official, my fall/winter book tour itinerary will be centered around… the Leeward Islands! (Antigua, St. Martin, St. Kitts, etc.) The folks on these islands are a little shy, unlike those who live on the Forward Islands, but I’m looking forward to a productive visit. (Meaning that my hosts better produce some good rum!) Believe it or not, my books are very popular in certain quarters. In fact, that’s what my books sell for in the Caribbean, a quarter! (I get a two-cent royalty on each book.) Nonetheless, it will be good to “get out of town” during the cedar-allergy season here in Texas.

Speaking of “out of town,” some newscaster just asked Donald Trump how he intends to pay for the wall he wants to build between the United States and Mexico. I didn’t like his answer. He said, “No hablo Ingles.” (What does that mean?) Greek to me. (Actually, it might be Spanish.)

And since we’re on the subject of “foreign tongues,” some chick named Ashley Madison has asked me to speak at her book club in Las Vegas. (You can “bet” I won’t be coming. Oops, poor choice of words.) Make that, “going.” Who is this woman, and how is her list any different than Emily’s List? I think I’ll stick with Franz Joseph Liszt. (He’s more “in tune” with my style of writing.)

Hey, did you see the latest literary nonsense from England? Researchers are suggesting that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user! Balderdash! If that were true, he would have written the following lines: “To be or not to be… Wait, what was the question?”

The pharmaceutical industry will soon be offering something called “pink Viagra” for the ladies. I’m not sure what that is, but it’s supposed to stimulate their gazebos. I was thinking of buying some pills for my wife, but I think I’ll start with No-Doz. (I’d be happy if she could just stay awake!) Is that asking too much?

By the way, I’d like to thank my book club hosts over in Lufkin for sponsoring a very fun day. Downtown Lufkin is lovely, and the food at Lufkin Bar-B-Que is excellent. (You must try the deep-fried yeast rolls.) The rolls come with a giant plate of succulent pork ribs. Just ask for the “Dr. DeBakey Special.” Your heart won’t thank you, but your stomach will. In fact, if you eat all of the ribs and rolls, you’d better have a will! (The written kind!) While you are in town, you might want to visit the Texas Forestry Museum. They asked me to leave because I kept shouting “timber!” No problem, I was getting “board” anyway.

Incidentally, if you are the first person to correctly identify the nickname of this lovely East Texas region, you will win a free, autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE. Good luck, and no cheating! (Don’t call anyone in Lufkin.) Finally, I would like to wish a speedy recovery to my first book editor, the brilliant (albeit unlucky) Ms. Barbara Talbott. I cannot elaborate on her minor accident, but I can tell you that she may be going to Hollywood. (She may get a part in a “cast!”)

Also, safe travels to the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, who are visiting their son in Portland, Oregon. I just read that Bernie Sanders drew a crowd of 20,000 people in that city. Of course, in Portland you can draw a crowd of 20,000 with a Frisbee. (They read a lot of Shakespeare up there, if you know what I mean!)

Well, gang, time to go to brunch or lunch or whatever the heck you call a noon meal on Sunday. Have yourself a safe and happy week, and we shall meet again, in early September. Drive carefully, school is back in session! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. The attached photograph is simply meant to lengthen this blog post!

August 9, 2015

SOME LIKE IT HOT?

Maybe so, but not this hot! Yikes, boys and girls, we’re in the middle of another heat wave! (Why is it called a “wave” when there is no water or rain in sight?) Dang, it’s really hot down here in Austin, Texas. It’s so hot, the hens are laying hard boiled eggs! It’s so hot, I saw two cedar trees fighting over a dog! (Hey, wait a minute, didn’t we do enough “hot jokes” last time?) All right, let’s move on to something more pleasant …..

Since we’re on the subject of “hot streaks,” allow me to (proudly) announce that THE SECOND MOURNING (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder) has recently been named as a FINALIST of the 2015 USA BEST BOOK AWARDS! This honor caught me by surprise, and I am very grateful for the acknowledgement of my work. Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals will be awarded in November, so keep your fingers crossed for me!

By the way, you can take a look at the review online. Simply go to the USA BEST BOOK AWARDS website: http://www.usabooknews.com/nonfichistory

So what else is new? I just heard that Ultimate Frisbee has become an official Olympic sport. (Participants will be REQUIRED to be on drugs!) What’s next, Pachisi and Chinese Checkers? I hear that Gov. Chris Christie is demanding Dominoes. (Not the game, the pizza!) Hey, how come Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream endorsed Bernie Sanders and not Chris Christie? What’s the story with that? Bernie Sanders is kind of old to become President. Hell, he can still remember when Howard Johnson only had two flavors! (Now that’s old. Older than that joke!)

My recent book signing in lovely Marble Falls was a huge success. (Some very big people were in the audience.) They got big from eating at the Blue Bonnet Cafe! (Yeah, I ate there, too.) We feasted on some very good pies, and believe it or not, they actually have a “Pie Happy Hour!” If you’re in the mood for a good slice of coconut cream pie, then this is the place to go. When you’re done eating, head over to Save the World Brewing Company. They offer some excellent Belgian-style brews. (They go great with coconut cream pie!) Thanks to the Chamber of Commerce for arranging a most interesting afternoon!

Finally, in closing, I would like to welcome my newest (and definitely youngest) blog follower to our Sunday get-together. I don’t usually single out anyone, but this young lady is sort of special, and I’m very close to her mother. Soooooo ….. without any further adieu, welcome to the club, Miss Goldie Delilah! (Who just happens to be my newly born grand-daughter/tax deduction!) Grandpa Steve sends his love! (And don’t worry, you’ll like some of these jokes when you get older!)

Well, my dear friends, time to take my leave. The temperatures for the next 3 days are expected to be… 104, 105, and 106! Consequently, I must supervise my wife’s roofing chores this afternoon. (She’s replacing a few loose tiles.) Actually, I’m the one with a few loose tiles, but that’s a different story! Have yourselves a safe and wonderful week…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Several of you have asked to see a photo of the “floating tavern” that visited us each day in the Caribbean. Your wish is my command! (SEE ATTACHED)

July 26, 2015

HOME SWEAT HOME!

AIN’T NUTHIN’ SWEET ABOUT THIS TEXAS HEAT, Y’ALL ….. Dang, it’s hot down here in Austin, Texas! How hot is it? (I’m glad you asked.) It’s so hot the fire ants have opened up a Kool Aid stand! It’s so hot the scorpions are crawling around with canteens! It’s so hot… Well, never mind, you get the idea. Hey, before I forget, there’s an email going around offering Processed Pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT! (It’s SPAM.)

So what else is new? (Again, I’m glad you asked.) Looks like Hillary Clinton is in big trouble because of her private server. I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think it’s a waitress. I think it has something to do with a computer, and I detest those darn things. Why? (What’s with all the questions?) Because somebody recently stole my identity online! You know the most humiliating part? The son of a gun returned my identity the next day. He said that after careful consideration he did NOT want to be me! Loser.

Check this out… there’s a novelty store in Houston that’s selling Donald Trump pinatas! Look on the bright side, something good will finally come out of the guy!

I see that President Obama went to a federal prison. (Calm down, he was only visiting.) I think he went there to discuss prison reform….. and spend some time with a bunch of former Congressmen. Did you know that there are no Jewish people in federal prison? Why? Because they eat lox. (locks?) All right, that was lame. I blame the heat.

On a brighter note, I am happy to report that the United States team recently won the International Math Olympics! Who says American kids can’t compete with those brainy Asians? Our juveniles are smarter than those dang foreigners! Congratulations to the American team: Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu, and their coach, Po-Shen Loh. (I hope those Asian folks learned a lesson!)

Well, as you can see from today’s post, I’ve finally reached the Wonder Years. (I wonder where my car is parked? I wonder where I left my cell phone? I wonder where my glasses are? I wonder if I’ve used these jokes before?) Oh well, time marches on, and it’s better to be in the parade than you-know-where. Incidentally, copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are still selling briskly and the recent awards have really increased sales. Amazingly, RANSOM ON THE RHONE is still one of the best-selling mysteries in France, so all is good on the literary front.

As some of you may know, we now have over 20,000 blog followers in 140 different countries. That being the case, some folks overseas have asked if I would post a photograph of my home in America. (No, they are not with ISIS.) Well, since I aim to please, and appreciate my blog followers enormously, I am going to attempt to post a recent photo of my private abode. (Notice I said abode, not commode.) I might point out that shortly after this picture was taken, I had a reptile dysfunction on my porch. A rather long, black snake decided to crawl through my legs as I was consuming a cold beer. I have therefore attached (hopefully) a photo of this particular reptile. By the way, this fellow was a non-venomous snake. Very beautiful markings. Quite tasty.

In closing, let me send my very best wishes to Ann D. in Round Rock. Ann had a little accident the other day, but she is one tough gal and we know she will be back on her feet in the very near future. We all wish you a speedy recovery, darling! I look forward to speaking at your book club in September! (Try to serve some lobster)

Vaya con dios, amigos y amigettes! Have a safe and wonderful week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Resident and reptile reproductions attached!

July 12, 2015

THE PIRATE’S PATH!

Hey, wait a minute, isn’t that the title of the second “Adam Gold Mystery?” (Actually, that was THE PIRATE PATH.) Anyway, the reason I used this title in today’s post is because I recently returned from “pirate country” along the Texas coast. In pursuit of fame and fortune, I ventured down to the charming coastal town of Port Lavaca, anxious to meet and greet some of my loyal fans. (It was very hot down there, so there were plenty of fans!) I gave a short discourse (did you folks sign up for “dis course?”) to a group of prominent citizens recently paroled and/or pardoned from the local penal institution.

Just kidding about the penal thing. (Why does that sound dirty?) I actually spoke at the Old Main Bookstore in nearby Palacios. (Which is a Spanish word meaning “palacios.”) Great cookies and wonderful coffee, and some very nice citizens. Then it was off for another engagement in Port Lavaca, which has the good fortune of existing beside a lovely inlet on Matagorda Bay. Aye, matey, it was a good place to discuss my book about pirate treasure, because this is where good old Jean Lafitte buried some of his loot! (I dug up several flower beds, but alas, to no avail.) Nevertheless, I got to use some lame pirate jokes and a few gags about “booty.” (I think the audience was ready to bury me, instead of treasure!)

So what else be new? Well, if you happen to subscribe to a French newspaper called “Herald de Paris,” (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?) then you might have seen the pleasant article written about RANSOM ON THE RHONE. The reviewer was very kind, and she gave the book 4-stars, which was much appreciated. (I tried to “purchase” the fifth star, but she wouldn’t budge. Whoever heard of a French person refusing a bribe?) Say levee, as they say down in New Orleans.

Looks like Greece is heading for bankruptcy. Hard to believe that the country that invented the philosophy major could go bankrupt. Their prime minister is still optimistic. I heard him say that the country will bounce back. (They were just having a rough 2,000 years.)

What else happened recently? Oh yes, same-sex marriage was approved by the Supreme Court. (I don’t use the term “gay marriage,” because ALL marriage will make you miserable! Or bankrupt!) Jeez, I hope my wife doesn’t read this blog. (She hasn’t read any of them yet!) Anyway, in my view the main difference between gay marriage and straight marriage is that in the former nobody complains when you leave the toilet seat up! Just saying, dear.

Hey, isn’t Bernie Sanders too old to become President? A reporter asked him if he was on Instagram, and he said that he’s sticking with telegrams! I’ve heard that he’s so old that his Homeowner Insurance covers fire, theft, and Indian raids! Now that’s old. (So are these jokes!) I see that Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech in his high school’s gymnasium. (Probably the longest amount of time he’s ever spent inside a gym!) He was no doubt surrounded by dumb bells. (Hey, I used to live in New York, so I’m allowed to make jokes about New Jersey!)

Since I’m being “crabby,” let me remind you of a great seafood restaurant down in Port Lavaca… The place is called Art’s Fish House. (A fellow named Art owns the place and they serve fish.) That being said, order something called the “Big Pot.” (No, this is not a Chris Christie joke.) The dinner is a superb combo of shrimp, blue crab, and crawfish. Yummy yummy. (You can add something called “Dungeon crab,” or “Dungeness crab” for a few dollars extra.)

Well, my dear friends, I must leave you to your own devices. Tonight is the semi-annual “Princess of Portugal Paella Party.” I, being a world class bartender, am responsible for bringing several gallons of my famous “Faux Festival Sangria,” so I must be on my way to the taxidermy shop. (I have a secret ingredient that they supply…. eye of newt extract!) When you toast with my sangria, you’re supposed to say…. “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

I can’t “envision” a better way to end this blog, so I’m gone…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

July 4, 2015

CELEBRATION NATION!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY! Shall we begin with a trivia question? All right, here we go… Do they have a fourth of July in England? (Keep in mind that we won our independence from the British.) The answer? Yes, they do! In fact, they also have a July first, second, and third! (Like everyone else.) Since that was sort of a trick question, I will give you another… Who was the oldest person to sign the Declaration of Independence? (Answer: Benny Franklin) By the way, not to brag, but the first person to sign was John Hancock. (The famous insurance salesman.) Some folks think that it was Adam Gold!

If I was still living in New York, I’d be going to the hot dog eating contest sponsored by Nathan’s. I’m kind of hungry this morning, but I don’t think I could beat the existing consumption record….. 68 hot dogs (plus the buns) in 10 minutes! That may sound “hard to swallow,” but it’s true. By the way, did you know that 1/3 of all the hot dogs in the U.S. come from Iowa? I thought you might “relish” this information…

Speaking of hot dogs, did I mention that I won the Silver Medal in this year’s INDIEFAB Book of the Year Contest? I am very grateful for the award, which represents one of the largest and most prestigious literary awards in the country. THE SECOND MOURNING has now won 4 major literary awards in six months! Without bribing any of the judges! (Not that I didn’t try!) Anyway, I was quite pleased and honored. I don’t know what’s holding up that dang Pulitzer.

Hey, for all of you folks that may live in Austin or the surrounding area, there is a new boutique (for the ladies) opening up on Congress Avenue today. It’s called THE COVE, and it features the most stunning outfits you will ever see, all at reasonable prices. (It will also feature all of my mystery novels!) The temporary location (they are building a brand new store on Congress Avenue) is at 108 Gibson Street, in the church behind Hotel San Jose. Today is the summer “pop-up shop” opening, from 12 noon to 7 p.m. Be there or be nowhere! (I’ll be signing books from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m.)

For those of you anxiously awaiting news about the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” you might be thrilled to learn that book number five has been finished and is now in the hands of my most capable editor. (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz.) The book is titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. As the name suggests, it has something to do with equine insurance. If you love horses or horse racing, then you will really enjoy this book. The proposed date of publication is January, 2016.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a short fuse, do not play with fireworks.

Here’s a little fact that you will get a “bang” out of….. Did you know that 99% of fireworks sold in the U.S. come from China? (When they’re not making suits for Donald Trump.) How the heck did we lose the firecracker market to those people? I demand an investigation! Never mind, the hot dogs are ready…..

Here’s hoping you and yours have a safe and happy 4th of July. On a serious note, take a moment to think about our military, those serving and those who have served. It is because of these folks, and their enormous sense of patriotism, that we remain the land of the free. God bless them all!

And good tidings to the rest of you rascals….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Lovely Caribbean photo attached!

June 7, 2015

FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM!

Frankly my dear, winning a major book award is ALWAYS a charming experience, but winning four of them is a bit overwhelming. Nevertheless, my non-fiction history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just been chosen as a FINALIST in the “History United States” Category in the 2015 INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS!

This year’s contest attracted a large number of entries, over 12oo books from around the globe, many of them written by best-selling authors with very familiar names. I have no idea how I was chosen for this honor, but as my dentist likes to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth!

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I am back in Austin, Texas. My recent book tour/dive trip/rum sampling was a complete success. (Sold some books and no arrests.) I’d like to thank our St. John hosts, the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, for their generous hospitality. We had a marvelous week on the island, and I intend to return their silverware in the very near future! (The next time I’m down in the Caribbean.)

Hey, what did you think about my little pony? (American Pharoah) I noticed this horse before the Kentucky Derby and I had a hunch that he could go all the way. Interestingly, I used to live near Belmont Race Track, and I saw Seattle Slew win in 1977 and Affirmed in 1978. (In fact, I got married in 1978, which turned out to be a “sure bet” on my part!) Coincidentally, I’ve just finished a new “Adam Gold” mystery, titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. (The story deals with equine insurance fraud.) Good timing on my part, eh?

Speaking of good timing, I returned home to find my mug plastered on the front page of the Four Points News. Accompanied, I might add, by a well-written article about my numerous awards, courtesy of Sarah Doolittle, a charming and talented reporter. Thanks for the kind words, Sarah! (Next time we should use a photo of Brad Pitt!)

I also noticed that folks are talking about Bruce Jenner’s recent transformation. I don’t know much about sex change operations, but I’m glad my wife is paying attention to the story. (Maybe we can have “sex for a change!”) I know, I know, don’t hold my breath.

By the way, some of you have inquired about the losing horses in the Belmont Stakes. I’m not sure about this, but I think that some of them end up in a different kind of steak. In any case, I would avoid Arby’s for a while. (I hate to sound like a “nag,” but you never know.)

Speaking of changes (i.e., Bruce Jenner) I would like to inform my blog followers that due to an intense travel schedule (three more book tours this summer!) my Sunday blog, starting today, will be posted every other Sunday until the fall. I am not running out of lame jokes, but between writing, traveling, rum consumption, and book tours, my head is spinning! (What goes around comes around, but not in this case!)

If you experience “blog withdrawal,” take heart! I am now negotiating with a publisher who seems interested in producing a book of my humorous posts. (There were a few of them!) I’m not sure if I’ll proceed with this project, but only because I have just started a brand new non-fiction history book. These history books are very time consuming, so I might hold off on the blog book for a while. In any case, if you miss my humor, check out a guy named Mark Twain. He writes well, but he’s not as funny as me.

Well, that’s about it for now, amigos. I do hope you have a marvelous week. I shall (starting today) post a few photographs from my recent Caribbean adventure. Please forgive me, if I post any nude shots. (Trust me, they won’t be photos of me!) Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

May 17, 2015

A DAY AT THE RACES…..

Well, I hate to brag, but once again I have shown the world that I am in the wrong line of work….. even though, technically, I don’t have a job. Why am I writing books when I could become a professional handicapper? Yes, once again, my favorite steed, AMERICAN PHAROAH, has won the big race! (And made me lots of money!)

Yesterday was the running of the Preakness Stakes, and my darling horse finished first. I noticed that there were a few “celebrities” in the crowd this year. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a front row seat. (Make that two seats.) He was slightly disappointed when he discovered that it was a “stakes” race, not a “steak race.” I don’t if it’s true, but I heard that the Baltimore D.A. indicted a couple of the losing horses, and two jockeys. (Heartless woman!)

By the way, American Pharoah is owned by an Egyptian-American gent named Ahmed Zayat. Mr. Zayat was forced to leave Egypt because of a financial scandal. (I think.) I might be wrong about this, but I think he invented the Pyramid Scheme. (Ouch!) I know, that joke Sphinx. What can I say, I’m in de-Nile! Tut tut, let’s move along…..

Did you see that Mitt Romney stepped into the boxing ring with Evander Holyfield? (They were raising money for charity.) Nice to see Mitt running again! (I’d run too!) I did some boxing during my misspent youth, and I was pretty good. Actually, I worked at UPS, but we still did a lot of boxing.

How many of you folks read the second Adam Gold mystery, THE PIRATE PATH? (O.K., you can put your hand down, Mom.) Well, if you recall, the book was about Captain Kidd’s treasure. Guess what? Divers just located some loot from one of Kidd’s ships! They found a silver bar or two off the coast of Madagascar. How cool is that? One of the bars was inscribed with the name of the pirate ship, and the discovery might lead to more treasure. I need to spend more time looking for bars!

Sales of RANSOM ON THE RHONE are growing steadily, and if the pace continues, this book will become the best-selling mystery that I have written. Thanks again to all you blogsters who have continued to support my writing career. In all seriousness, I couldn’t have done it without you!

Speaking of thanks, I’d like to thank my brilliant cousin Max, and his lovely and talented wife, Barbara, for hosting a very special dinner at the Steiner Ranch Steakhouse last night. Max was recently abroad. (No, there will be no Bruce Jenner jokes!) Barbara has been abroad for quite some time. Anyway, they had a wonderful trip to Europe, but it’s great to have them back in Austin.

Next week is book tour time, and we’re off to the sunny isle of St. Thomas and St. John, for a week of diving and thriving with the Princess of Portugal and her husband, Baron Von Bomblatus! Watch out rum, here I come!

On that cheerful note, I shall take my leave. (I wish somebody would take all my leaves!) Have a safe and prosperous week. And remember this poignant thought….. The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 26, 2015

A CLASSY GUY…

Well, it’s official… after a short incarceration, I mean, vacation, I have decided to return to the classroom! Thus, I shall be teaching a CREATIVE WRITING course at the Dell Community Center this summer. Here, my dear friends, are the impertinent details: The classes will be held on July 21, August 4, and August 11. Each class is 1 1/2 hours long. (but they will seem longer!) The starting time, subject to slight alteration, should be around 11:00 a.m. (They wanted me to teach an early morning class, but that would have caused a slight altercation!) If you’re interested, please contact Lisa Quay at the Dell Center.

Speaking of classy guys, my old high school chum, Glenn Fitzgerald, Vice President of Proluxe, sent me a congratulatory bottle of Nolet’s Silver Gin. (We were celebrating the Gold Medal that “THE SECOND MOURNING” received from the Beverly Hills International Book Awards.) The bottle is actually “engraved” with my name! How the heck did he find a bottle with my name on it?! I’m telling you, wonders never cease! (Thanks, Glenn!)

Another great friend, Jaime Rubenstein, was one of the stars at last night’s Lakeway musical extravaganza. Jaime stole the show (but was forced to return it later on) with her brilliant and comical cruise song. The lady can do it all, sing, dance, and act. Her performance nearly brought down the house. (No, the building was not poorly constructed!) Some guy named Gary was ejected for stalking Jaime with a camera, but other than that, the show was a huge success.

Hey, before I forget, one of my best friends (and a distant relative) is having a big week, so I want to wish Dr. Max the best of luck! We all hope you “bring home the bacon.” If all goes well, Max & Co. will soon be living “high off the hog.” (How many pig jokes is this guy gonna do?) All right, just one more… when you’re in N.Y.C., never pork in a handicapped space. OK, now I can stop “hamming” it up!

By the way, do you know why I have so many friends? (other than the modest cash payments that I make) Well, it’s because of my personal belief that before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. (That way when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!) Smart thinking, right?

Tonight we are having dinner up in Round Rock with the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee. She might be making Mexican food, which I am dreading. I love Mexican food, but she wants to make some crazy dish called Chicken Mole. Don’t get me wrong, I love chicken, but I’ll be damned if I eat a mole. (Check this out, the whacky senorita intends to cover the rodent with chocolate sauce!) Thanks, but no thanks. Comprende?

Finally, I want to send a special HELLO to my dear friend, Peter. Life is about to get really wonderful for him, and I couldn’t be happier. We are all very proud of you, and we absolutely worship your beautiful companion! (who just happens to be my beautiful daughter, Rebecca!) Looking forward to seeing you both tomorrow… but please don’t feel obligated to buy (too much) champagne! I’m not worthy. (Actually, I am, but why push my luck?)

In closing, on a serious note, my thoughts and prayers go out to the kind and generous folks in Nepal. Yesterday’s earthquake was devastating, but hang in there, my friends. Help is on the way! (Thanks to the never-ending generosity of Americans.) This too shall pass.

Well, buckeroos, time to saddle up and head out to the north forty. Or the south thirty. Whichever comes first. Happy trails to you and yours, and look for the old ranger (that would be me) next Sunday, same time, same place.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

March 22, 2015

THE SUNSHINE BOY!

Well, folks, here I am, enjoying the glorious warmth of the Sunshine State. (That would be Florida, NOT New Jersey!) I feel so alive now that I am back on the coast. I know it’s corny, but I have often thought of my mother being the clean, white sand and my father the roaring ocean. Of course, that would make me a son of a beach, but who cares? I love salt water, and since I have over 40 years of scuba diving experience under my (weight) belt, I feel right at home in the Atlantic Ocean.

Unfortunately, home is where many fatal injuries are sustained… and today was almost one of those days. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water in West Palm Beach, a horde of black-tip sharks showed up in the shallow water! My dive buddies and I counted over 600 sharks, which is roughly 599 more than I feel comfortable with! So much for diving and snorkeling. I even feel guilty about asking my wife to retrieve my buoyancy vest and face mask. (She only had to swim out ten or twenty yards, but I still feel a twinge of remorse.)

In case you’re wondering, I fell in love with scuba diving after watching countless episodes of SEA HUNT. Do you remember that T.V. show? Lloyd Bridges played a character named Mike Nelson, who ran a dive shop with his brother David, and their parents, Ozzie and Harriet. Wait a minute, I think I got that wrong. Never mind, the show was “all wet” anyway.

After our involuntary shark encounter, we drove up to Jacksonville, signed some books, and attended a gala dinner in my honor at a wonderful seafood restaurant called St. Mary’s Seafood House. If you’re ever on this coast, you must try this establishment. (Think incredible friend oysters and shrimp.) My little presentation was a huge success and we actually sold a lot of books. (I know that some of you, including my agent, Jesse James Lipschitz, are curious about which books sold the best, so here is the ranking….. 1. The Graceland Gang 2. The Second Mourning 3. Devil’s Cove 4. Ransom on the Rhone, and last but not least, 5. The Pirate Path

After dinner, I was asked to judge a wet t-shirt contest, but since the contestants were male, I declined the offer. (Been there, done that.) When I got back to my car, I discovered that the windshield was covered with bird poop! (The area is filled with egrets, and their cousins who are always apologizing for pooping on your car. They’re called regrets.) I fired a couple of warning shots at them, but the damn vandals have no fear of human beings. The next time I drive up this way, I’m bringing a cat.

Tomorrow we head for the charming town of Beaufort, South Carolina. If you want to check out my digs, look up the Rhett House Bed & Breakfast. I think you might find the history of this place quite intriguing. We have a Low Country Boil scheduled for dinner. (I sure hope the “boil” doesn’t refer to the chef’s body.) The following morning we head for St. Helena Island, and a full day of Gullah history. When you get a free moment, look up the Penn Center of South Carolina. I will be signing some books in the lobby, which is quite an honor, because this was the very spot where MLK wrote his famous “I Have A Dream” speech.

Well, it’s been a long day, and I am starting to dream about a good night’s sleep… so I must bid you farewell. Let’s plan to meet again next Sunday, whence I shall regale you with more tales from the Low Country. By then, I will be an expert on grits, gravy, and frogmore stew! Have a safe and happy week!

Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

March 8, 2015

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!

Well, the great Leonard Nimoy did just that, and now he’s been “beamed up” to a better place. Let’s face it, ANY place is better than Los Angeles, but you get the point. We lost another fine actor/human being adored by Baby Boomers like me. I was a big fan of STAR TREK, even though its creator, Gene Roddenberry stole the idea of the show from me. Well, sort of. My series was called STAR TRUCK, and it was a show featuring a redneck freight hauler who drove an eighteen wheeler across the Interstate system. The vehicle was piloted by a tobacco-chewing feller named Captain Kenworth. His sidekick was called Mr. Spoke. NBC turned me down because they said the pilot (the first show, not the driver) “ran out of gas.” (I knew that joke would “fall flat!”) Anyways, I kept on truckin’, so to speak, and turned to mystery novels.

I have no idea what happened to that Roddenberry guy. (Actually, I do. Believe it or not, his ashes were launched into Earth orbit in 1997!) Unfortunately, the spacecraft carrying the ashes disintegrated in 2002. After that, Mr. Roddenberry was more “down to earth.” Well, you know what they say… “ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the spacecraft breaks, when it turns to rust.”

So what else is new? Don’t forget to turn your clocks back one hour! (You’re supposed to turn them ahead, but why not confuse the hell out of everyone?) My spring book tour is shaping up rather nicely. The itinerary includes stops and stays in Atlanta, Charleston, Beaufort, Jacksonville, and Boca Raton. In case you’re wondering, I’m traveling across the South for a reason. My next book, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, takes place in the Low Country of South Carolina.

While I’m on the road, I will be visiting the Gullah communities located on the Sea Islands of Georgia. (And going to the Penn Center on St. Helena Island for an historic lecture.) The Gullah culture is quite unique (descendants of the original slaves brought to America) and I’m anxious to see if I captured the essence of the place in my book. I’m also anxious to sink my teeth into a bowl of white shrimp and grits!

Speaking of books….. If you’ve been patiently waiting to order a copy of my new Adam Gold mystery, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, wait no longer! Books can now be purchased at Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and leading bookstores throughout the country. (If you live in Austin, go to BookPeople.) The early reviews have been marvelous and I really think you are going to enjoy this story.

Incidentally, I will be teaching a creative writing course this summer. (At the Dell Community Center in Austin.) If you live in or around Austin, sign up and take my class. You might become rich and famous. (If you buy a Lotto ticket before you come to class.) Which reminds me, I would like to wish my Jewish followers a Happy Purim. This is the holiday that involves a great deal of wine consumption. (You Purim the wine for your guests.)

And since we’re on the subject of guests, I would like to welcome some new blog followers….. my old high school buddies, Karen and Pete Kiernan, and their beautiful and talented daughter, Meagan. I love to re-connect with friends from the past, but to be perfectly honest, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. Most of my friends will not be eligible for parole for a few more years, so their Internet access is extremely limited!

Well, lads and lassies (hey, why are women named after dogs?) I must take my leave. In fact, I must take a lot of leaves. I have been given the task of raking the front yard this morning! A fitting chore, since I am a bit of a rake myself. Where did I leave that old bag? Oh, she’s in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. Well then, I’m off. (I’ve been “off” for quite some time!) Have a safe and wonderful week, and we shall meet again next Sunday….

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff, Bon Bon Vivant.