December 22, 2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL!

NONE OF THAT P.C. GARBAGE FOR ME!  I still say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kindly Kwanzaa, or Far-Out Festivus!  I am such a rebel!  Hey, do you think elves listen to “wrap music” when they’re mailing gifts?  I used to think that Santa was Polish, because I kept hearing about the North Pole.  I love the holiday season, but I have one bad memory.  I was an ugly child.  My parents used to hang me up and kiss the mistletoe!  The best present I ever got was a subscription to National Geographic Magazine.  (You guys know where I’m coming from!)

Speaking of presents…..  I received a lovely compliment from Mr. Larry Wood, a prominent land development and construction consultant here in Austin.  Larry lived next door to the great mystery writer, Mickey Spillane, and they spent a lot of time together back in Myrtle Beach, S.C.  (Spillane wrote the “Mike Hammer Series.”)  After reading DEVIL’S COVE, my third mystery, Larry told me that I was just as good a writer as Mickey Spillane, if not better!  Wow, what a nice thing to say!  (I just hope I sell as many books!)

My second “present” of the week came from Max and Barbara Talbott, my dear friends who hosted a spectacular holiday dinner at the Austin Club.  The food, company, and conversation were top notch.  The club is housed in the old Millett Opera House, which was built in 1878, and is still a beauty.  Many famous people have performed there, including John L. Sullivan, John Phillip Sousa, Lily Langtry, and the most famous of all, me!  (My comedy routine was cut short by a slice of coconut cake.)

And since we’re on the subject of great evenings…..  Our birthday dinner honoring the Princess of Portugal (last Sunday) was a huge success.  Nobody got in a fight and nobody got arrested.  There was only one argument about “Duck Dynasty.”  Which reminds me,  I never order duck in a restaurant.  (I always get stuck with “the bill!”)

Well, believe it or not, I’m off to play Santa Claus.  I will be making the rounds in my neighborhood, delivering free copies of THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH.  (The books are free, but I charge twenty dollars for an autograph!)  Just kidding.  In closing, I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and I truly hope that you and yours have a wonderful day.  As Tiny Tim said, “God Bless Us All!”  Amen.

Ho-Ho-Ho and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

December 15, 2013

“TIME” MARCHES ON!

Without me!  Well, once again, I did not win TIME Magazine’s “Man of the Year Award.”  Somehow, Pope Francis won.  Naturally I asked for a recount of the votes, but I am not holding my breath.  (The last time I held my breath it made me “blue!”)  Since I lost, I thought I’d ask His Holiness to convey sainthood upon me, but no dice.  (Did you know that the Vatican prefers Catholics?  What’s up with that?)  Anyway, I received a lovely email from the Pope (in Latin!) suggesting that I forward proof of 3 miracles that I have performed, and upon verification, they will consider a “saint-like” designation for me.  Thus, I have sent the following miracles to Rome:

Miracle 1.     I took the garbage can out to the curb 4 weeks in a row!  (Unfortunately, I only brought it back twice.)

Miracle 2.    I refrained from telling a bad joke for 8 hours!  (I was sleeping, but it still counts.)

Miracle 3.    I remembered the date of my wedding anniversary!

In case you’re wondering, my 7-year tenure at St. Edward’s University will mean bonus points for my cause.  (assuming I return a few library books.)  I shall keep you informed of my progress.  So what else is new?  Well, last Thursday was the annual River Place Garden Club Christmas Party.  Each year the club holds a “white elephant,” but I don’t usually participate because I have no idea where to purchase a pale pachyderm.  This year the party was hosted by the lovely and talented Jane Malone, and as usual, it was great fun.  Thank you, Jane!  You have a magnificent home!

Speaking of magnificent hosts and homes….. John and Andrea Schleich hosted a wonderful holiday get-together on Friday evening.  (In their new custom home!)  We were lucky enough to meet Andrea’s parents and children, and being from the heartland (Nebraska) they were all the most delightful people you can imagine.  Welcome to the neighborhood!  We look forward to seeing you in the near future.

NOW FOR SOME BOOK NEWS…..   I was recently informed that my first two mystery novels (THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH) will soon be translated into French, Spanish, and Italian, due to a strong demand in those countries!  This is the most wonderful news an author can get, and as you might imagine, the translated copies greatly increase sales.  I would like to thank Murder Ink Press and Penguin Books for their continued support of my fledgling career.  You folks are the best!

Tonight we are hosting a birthday party for Helena de la Bomblatus, a Portuguese princess from the Azores.  I understand that the princess is bringing her husband  (some sort of duke) and an interpreter from the islands.  I don’t normally hob nob with royalty (unless I’m holding a royal flush in poker) so this should be a wonderful fun-filled evening.  I will have to watch my manners, though.  (No picking my teeth with a knife.)

Well, you must excuse me.  I need to try on my tuxedo.  God, I look like a penguin.  (See how I worked in another reference to Penguin Books?)  Yeah, I’m shameless.  Have a wonderful week…. and be careful.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 11, 2013

LOOKING FOR A FANTASTIC XMAS GIFT?

Are you rascals looking for a unique Christmas gift this holiday season?  If so, Murder Ink Press is proud to offer a fully revised edition of America’s best-selling mystery novels.  These award winning books can be purchased separately or in a 3-volume set.  Autographed copies are available!

Simply log on to Amazon.com and type in my name!

 

devilscovecover piratepathcover gracelandgangcover

December 8, 2013

A BUSY BEE…..

     YEP, THAT WOULD BE ME!  (I suppose I could also be called a busy body.)  Incidentally, do you know that a bumble bee has to make over two million flower taps just to produce one pound of honey?  I’ve studied the bee-havior of these fascinating insects.  In my world, FYI stands for “Flying Yellow Insects.”  For instance, I know how to make these little creatures “bee-have” and produce lots of honey.  Soothing music is the key.  (They love Sting)  Ouch!  Should I have gone with Paul McCartney and Wings?  My mother did NOT do a good job explaining the “birds and the bees” to my sister.  After she got stung, she thought she was pregnant!  Un-bee-lievable!  (Shall we move on?)

     The week began with a productive literary trip to Schulenburg, a quaint little town south of Austin.  (Fayette County)  The town used to be known for its kolaches, but that was before they were introduced to THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH.  Now they’ve become a literary mecca, which should no doubt increase the number of tourists that visit.  If you ever visit, make sure to stop at Sengelmann Hall, an historic dance hall built in the late 1800s.  (They still host polka bands on the weekend!)

     Speaking of polka, or poker for that matter, I would like to thank Fred and Leigh Ann Woodward for hosting (Saturday) the Ninth Annual Kings & Queens Poker Tournament in Lago Vista, Texas.  What a blast!  The place was filled to the rafters with some of the best poker players in the state.  (Including Sharon “Big Win” Walker and her husband, Rich “Also Ran” Walker.)  The food, drinks, and entertainment were simply over the top this year.  Don’t ask me how, but The Mighty Cobra (me) managed to make it to the Final Table, where I placed high up on the leader board, but failed to win the $100,000 first place prize.  (or something like that!)

     On Wednesday last, the “Princess of Poker,” (my wife) won Second Place in the annual Christmas Poker Extravaganza downtown.  (She won a generous gift card, but refuses to share it with me!)  No matter.  During the break, I managed to sell several copies of DEVIL’S COVE, which substantially increased my net worth.

     On Friday I went to a holiday party where the host hired a mime!  However, due to time constraints, the mime did not perform.  Personally, I thing a mime is a terrible thing to waste.  But that’s just me.  Hey, I just thought of something…  If you were going to shoot a mime, would you have to use a silencer?  Hmm.

     Next week I’m off to Athens.  No, not Greece.  Athens, Texas.  I actually like East Texas, since I went to college in that area, and have several children living in that part of the state.  Should be an interesting visit.  Well, I must leave you now as I have another charity poker tournament to go to!  (I told you I was a busy bee!)  If I do well (very unlikely) I will brag, I mean, write about it on my next post.  A lot of talented players will be there, and they’re expecting a “full house.”  (So am I!)  Have a wonderful week…. Love to all…

     Doc Yanoff

December 1, 2013

PILGRIM’S PROGRESS…..

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  Did you and yours gobble up lots of food?  We had a veritable (Not vegetable) feast at my house.  The dining room table was a sight for sore eyes… and sore bellies!  I think I swallowed more stuffing than the bird.  Speaking of birds, and let’s face it, Thanksgiving is for the birds, President Obama continued a long tradition by pardoning a plump turkey.  (No, not Alec Baldwin.)  The turkey’s name was “Popcorn.”

Which reminds me…  Did you know that popcorn was invented by a high-ranking Army officer?  Yep, the guy was a kernel.  (Colonel)  Every time he made popcorn his troops would butter him up.  I would find that “ear-itating.”  (Do you think these jokes are too corny?)  All right, I’ll move on…..

My darling wife, Lucrezia Borgia Yanoff, made a splendid meal, and we were joined by my two beautiful daughters, my hard-working son-in-law, and most importantly, my grand-dog Baker.  Truly a memorable feast.  Especially for Baker.  (He got the bigger half of the wishbone.)  Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

Our festivities continued on Friday, when we drove down to my brother-in-law’s ranch in Boerne, Texas.  (Boerne, pronounced “Bernie,” is a lovely town in the Texas Hill Country.)  We got to visit with my brother-in-law, his sons, his lovely girlfriend, and several of my favorite in-laws from Dallas.  We sat around an outdoor fire, sipping bourbon and beer, telling tall tales, and enjoying some wonderful comraderie.  What a marvelous evening.

Since we’re on the subject of marvelous events…..  If you recall, I previously mentioned that some of my new book covers had been nominated for “Outstanding design and layout” by a major trade group in New York.  Well, the top prize went to a science fiction novel, but it was the first time in the group’s history that one author had received 3 nominations!  Just for the record, I had little to do with the exterior of the books, but I  am still very proud of this recognition.  (These were the front covers of THE GRACELAND GANG, THE PIRATE PATH, and DEVIL’S COVE.)

Before I leave you, I must say “thanks” to Ms. Amy from Dallas (and her incredibly gorgeous mother, Judge Susan) for the delivery of my favorite “treat” in life (that’s legal)…..  cheese pockets from Stein’s Bakery!  Thank you, ladies!

Also, I would like you to know that this particular blog is dedicated to a dear friend of mine who is recuperating from foot surgery.  (The Princess of Portugal)  I hope you are feeling better, Princess.  We look forward to your gala return to Austin.  Central Texas is too quiet without you!  (Although I’m trying my best to fill the void!)

Well, my dear family, friends, and blog followers….. I hope you had a joyous holiday, and like me, have much to be thankful for.  God bless you all this coming year, and as is my custom, I shall leave you with a bad joke…..  (Courtesy of my nephew, Colton)    What do you call a cow with no legs?  Are you ready?  Ground beef!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

November 24, 2013

HOME ON THE RANGE!

Well, I’m not really on the range, which would be a foolish place to sit, but I am back in Austin, Texas, where the temperature is about 35 degrees, with rain and snow predicted for tomorrow.  Yikes!  When I woke up this morning (in Fort Lauderdale) it was sunny and 85 degrees!  What the hell happened?  Why did Horace Greeley encourage me to go west?  Why did I listen to Horace in the first place?  (The guy died in 1872!)  Well, in any case, I’m back in the Lone Star State and happy to be home.  (Sort of)

If you’re wondering why you haven’t heard from me in a couple of days, it’s because we experienced a solar bombardment while at sea and our ship lost all internet access.  (Even the Playboy sites were down!)  My God, what is this world coming to?  Since I am apt to roll with the punches (or the waves) I made the best of it and wrote 5 chapters of my new mystery novel, titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  Between chapters, I almost became a poker legend, but that’s another story.  (Involving my wife, who ended up with four eights in a monster poker hand!)  Needless to say, I ended up with egg on my face.  (A sorry state for any Cobra!)

A word about St. Martin…..  lovely place, mainly French, and filled with wonderful bistros and restaurants.  We had a great day at Orient Beach, which thank God, has a section for nude bathers.  (Not me, mind you.)  I was busy taking photographs, I mean, snorkeling.  My lens kept getting foggy.  (Not the camera lens, the snorkel mask.)  I don’t speak French, but I think I was asked to leave the beach several times.  What the heck is a gendarme?

St. Martin is French, but St. Marteen (the other side of the island) is Dutch.  Believe me, it was no “Dutch treat.”  Very third worldish, and they all drink Heineken beer for breakfast!  They were also a little snobby.  (They only spoke to folks traveling aboard Holland America ships.)  What’s up with that?  Have you noticed that most Dutch chicks have two lips?  (tulips)  All right, enough island humor.

If you find yourself in St. Martin, stroll into the main book store in Marigot (the capital) and you will see two of my mystery novels prominently displayed up front.  (THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH)  I donated some copies to the store on the condition that the proceeds would go to charity.  The manager was quite gracious, especially after I told him that I used to write under the pen name of Stephen King.  (Hey, the money is going to charity.)

All things considered, we had a wonderful trip, made lots of new friends, sold some books, contributed to the local island economies, and played some ferocious poker.  If you throw in the two bottles of coconut rum that we consumed, I’d say it was another incredible outing.  Still, it’s great to be home, and great to be back with our family and friends.  I believe it was St. Augustine who said that not traveling is like reading one chapter of a book, and I pretty much agree with that.  However, there is no place like home, and no place like our beloved U.S.A.

I will write again soon…. after I pay some bills!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff, The Pirate King of the Southern Caribbean.

November 18, 2013

THE PIRATE PATH!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE TITLE OF A BEST-SELLING MYSTERY NOVEL!  (Well, actually, it is!)  However, I am presently on a different pirate path.  Greetings from Eleuthera!  The former home base of Captain Kidd!  The former island of Adam Gold!  The present island of yours truly.  Yep, here I am again, sailing through the lovely Caribbean in search of treasure.  (And tax deductions.)  Not only the former home of Captain Kidd (the “star” of THE PIRATE PATH) but also the favorite haunt of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana.  (I have no idea why she was always late, but that’s what they call her.)

My present position is horizontal.  I mean, several hundred miles south of Ft. Lauderdale.  I am aboard the Royal Princess.  (and she feels great!)  Just kidding.  (That’s the name of the ship)  This is actually her maiden voyage.  (and there are plenty of maidens on this ship.)  Yesterday began with some sort of emergency drill, which I missed because I was napping.  (What can go wrong on a cruise ship?)

From past drills I remember that if you see someone fall overboard, you’re supposed to yell, “Man overboard!”  Unfortunately, there is no similar call for the ladies, so if they fall, well,  (fill in the blank!)  Another strange custom…. if someone falls overboard you’re supposed to throw them a buoy.  Not a girl.  A buoy.  Seems strange to me.

I spent the day snorkeling a “protected” coral reef which was teeming with fish.  (not steaming, teeming.)  The reefs down here are in marvelous condition, and the water clarity was simply amazing.  We saw a huge assortment of colorful creatures.  (a lot of fish, too.)  Did you know it was against the law to take underwater photographs of women in thongs?  Jeez, what’s up with that?  Anyway, today was sunny, hot, and one of the prettiest days I have ever seen in the Caribbean.

And tonight is lobster night!  Yep, we will be treated to all the crustaceans we can eat.  (They only charge for melted butter.)  After our feast, we hit the poker tables, where we will surely win a small fortune from these rubes.  (famous last words!)  We met a wonderful group of ladies on the beach this afternoon (from Dallas) and they invited me to speak to their book club which is traveling aboard our ship!  How cool.  I accepted their invitation and will let you know how it went later in the week.

Well, until we meet again, I must say farewell from spectacular Eleuthera, the pineapple capital of the Bahamas!  I shall drink a pina colada in your honor this evening!  Cheers….  and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff  (The Caribbean Kid)

November 17, 2013

FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY….. HAIR!

NO, I AM NOT READING THAT SEXUALLY PERVERSE BOOK!  (I’m too old to learn anything about sex!)  In fact, this is the title of my new book about senior centers down here in Florida.  As many of you know, I have spent the past two weeks taking care of my mother, who is recovering (rather nicely) from hip replacement surgery.  She is now in rehab and doing just fine.  (At least two older gents have “hit on her.”)  She told both gents that she no longer dates because her parents won’t let her.  Mom is 88.  When asked to explain, she told them, “Mother Nature and Father Time!”

My mother began rehab at Regents Park, which is quite lovely, but packed with very old folks.  How old you ask?  One lady had an insurance policy that covered Fire, Theft, and Indian Raids!  (That’s old.)  Another guy was so old that he remembered when Howard Johnson’s only had two flavors!  (That’s even older!)  My mother’s room-mate was so old that she remembered when there were only Five Commandments!  (That’s the oldest joke of the bunch!)

Last Friday we transferred my mother to a place called Stratford Court, one of the nicest rehab facilities in Boca Raton.  The lady that checked us in was from Haiti, and like most Haitians, she was a cheerful, sweet, and caring woman.  We did, however, have one humorous incident involving our language differences.  She was relatively new and not quite sure how to say or spell Boca Raton.  We went through several names, and lots of good natured laughter, before we came to terms.  (She wrote down Boca Chica, Boca Rouge, and my favorite, Boco Loco.)  Nonetheless, we persevered and Mom was finally admitted.  (By then I was ready to be committed!)

In case you’re wondering, THE GRACELAND GANG was the best-selling book at Regents Rehab, and THE PIRATE PATH the biggest seller at Stratford Court.  (I actually donated 20 books to each gift shop, and incredibly, they sold out in one week!)  Of course, I did do some marketing at both facilities.  (I put one copy in every rest room, which one old lady told me was very appropriate.  I’m not sure what she meant by that.)  I also gave the staff some books, and they were very grateful.  A copy of DEVIL’S COVE was sent to the insomnia care unit, and from what I hear, my writing put almost everyone to sleep.  Gosh, my Mom was so proud of me.

Well, my stay in Boca Loca, I mean, Boca Raton, is coming to an end this morning.  When I finish this blog, I will be leaving for Port Everglades, where my ship has finally come in and awaits my embarkation!  I will be sailing aboard the brand new luxury vessel called the Royal Princess, bound for the remote and backward islands of St. Thomas, St. John, St. Martin, and St. Louis.  (That last port should be interesting.)  The weather here in Florida is sunny and warm and the seas look rather calm.  (The rehab center probably dumped some Prozac in the ocean.)  I am looking forward to a week of relaxation, poker, writing, and stealing those little bottles of shampoo that they give you each morning.  You remember those bottles….. the ones you bring home and never use!

I shall write again whence we make landfall or are captured by a horde of considerate pirates…..  Until then, I remain,  (with love to all)

Doc Yanoff, Oceanic Explorer and Bon Vivant!

November 10, 2013

TIMING IS EVERYTHING…..

JUST ASK OUR FUNNIEST COMEDIANS….. Bob Hope, Milton Berle, Jack Benny, George Burns, Katherine Sebelius.  Timing is also important to those of us who write.  For instance, book number four in the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  The story centers around an insurance claim involving priceless artwork stolen by the Nazis and others during and after World War II.  (Mostly from France.)

Well, lo and behold, the New York Times featured a story this week about….. priceless artwork stolen by the Nazis and others during and after World War II.  (Mostly from France.)   OMG, what a coincidence!  (Unless they have a reporter spying on me.)  I could scarcely believe my eyes, and of course, I was delighted to get some free publicity.  What a truly incredible piece of luck!

As you might know, the German authorities stumbled upon a well hidden treasure trove of priceless artworks.  (In Munich)  1,400 works of art were found in the home of an elderly art dealer.  (Whose father worked for the Nazis.)  Herr Cornelius Gurlitt was quite the collector.  Included in his collection were works by Picasso, Chagall, Renoir, Matisse, Toulouse-Lautrec, and Norman Rockwell.  (Just kidding about Rockwell!)

Estimated value of the stolen collection?  Try…  $1,300,000,000!  (Yep, over a billion dollars!)  Most of the pieces were stolen from Jews living in France, and to be quite honest, the Germans broke the case two years ago, but they decided to wait until the time was right before announcing their discovery.  (The owners of 800 pieces have been tentatively identified, so now comes the tricky part of returning the artwork.)  Congratulations to my friends at the O.C.D.C. and Interpol.  (The fine folks who have provided much information for RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)  A job well done, ladies and gentlemen!

Some of my blog followers have inquired about the types of artwork that were recovered.  Well, since you asked, the collection included oil paintings, drawings, watercolors, and lithographs.  The Nazis viewed the above (by the artists I mentioned) as “degenerate art,” and most of the pieces were stolen between 1937 and 1941.

Before I leave you today, I would like to send my thoughts and prayers to my dear friends, Mel and Paula, who live in the Philippines.  Sadly, their lovely homes were destroyed by Typhoon Haiyan,  Thankfully, neither they or their families were injured.  Hang in there, guys.  This too shall pass.

Also, my love and best wishes for a speedy recovery for my sweet friend, Helena, who just underwent foot surgery.  Helena has a lot of “sole” and is no “heel,” but she did walk funny.  (She was doing commercials for Aflac Insurance!)  Feel better, darling!

Well, I’m off to the world famous Flakowitz Deli (in Boca Raton), and a pre-arranged meeting with a pastrami sandwich on rye.  (With a half-sour pickle, a potato knish, and a can of Dr. Brown Black Cherry Soda!)  Oy vey is mir, I hope my poor stomach survives the onslaught!  If not, so be it.  What a way to go!

Have a wonderful and safe week….. and look for my next exciting blog post, which will be coming to you from a remote Caribbean island!  (Can you say Pirate of the Caribbean?)  Love to all…..

Captain Black Jack Yanoff, semi-fearsome pirate!