July 4, 2015

CELEBRATION NATION!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY! Shall we begin with a trivia question? All right, here we go… Do they have a fourth of July in England? (Keep in mind that we won our independence from the British.) The answer? Yes, they do! In fact, they also have a July first, second, and third! (Like everyone else.) Since that was sort of a trick question, I will give you another… Who was the oldest person to sign the Declaration of Independence? (Answer: Benny Franklin) By the way, not to brag, but the first person to sign was John Hancock. (The famous insurance salesman.) Some folks think that it was Adam Gold!

If I was still living in New York, I’d be going to the hot dog eating contest sponsored by Nathan’s. I’m kind of hungry this morning, but I don’t think I could beat the existing consumption record….. 68 hot dogs (plus the buns) in 10 minutes! That may sound “hard to swallow,” but it’s true. By the way, did you know that 1/3 of all the hot dogs in the U.S. come from Iowa? I thought you might “relish” this information…

Speaking of hot dogs, did I mention that I won the Silver Medal in this year’s INDIEFAB Book of the Year Contest? I am very grateful for the award, which represents one of the largest and most prestigious literary awards in the country. THE SECOND MOURNING has now won 4 major literary awards in six months! Without bribing any of the judges! (Not that I didn’t try!) Anyway, I was quite pleased and honored. I don’t know what’s holding up that dang Pulitzer.

Hey, for all of you folks that may live in Austin or the surrounding area, there is a new boutique (for the ladies) opening up on Congress Avenue today. It’s called THE COVE, and it features the most stunning outfits you will ever see, all at reasonable prices. (It will also feature all of my mystery novels!) The temporary location (they are building a brand new store on Congress Avenue) is at 108 Gibson Street, in the church behind Hotel San Jose. Today is the summer “pop-up shop” opening, from 12 noon to 7 p.m. Be there or be nowhere! (I’ll be signing books from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m.)

For those of you anxiously awaiting news about the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” you might be thrilled to learn that book number five has been finished and is now in the hands of my most capable editor. (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz.) The book is titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. As the name suggests, it has something to do with equine insurance. If you love horses or horse racing, then you will really enjoy this book. The proposed date of publication is January, 2016.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a short fuse, do not play with fireworks.

Here’s a little fact that you will get a “bang” out of….. Did you know that 99% of fireworks sold in the U.S. come from China? (When they’re not making suits for Donald Trump.) How the heck did we lose the firecracker market to those people? I demand an investigation! Never mind, the hot dogs are ready…..

Here’s hoping you and yours have a safe and happy 4th of July. On a serious note, take a moment to think about our military, those serving and those who have served. It is because of these folks, and their enormous sense of patriotism, that we remain the land of the free. God bless them all!

And good tidings to the rest of you rascals….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Lovely Caribbean photo attached!

June 21, 2015

HAPPY DADDY’S DAY, Y’ALL!

GREETINGS FROM AUSTIN, TEXAS, ….. And if you happen to be one of those guys who self-identify as a father (a sly reference to Rachel Dolezal) allow me to wish you Happy Father’s Day! Today, across America, two amazing things happen with shocking frequency… First, children will call home, speak to their dads for twenty seconds, and then ask dad to put mom on the line. Second, millions of fathers will soon receive one of the most ugly ties ever created. Where, dear God, do these ties come from? (My guess is not Brooks Bros. but Ringling Bros.) If you have led a good life, you will get a work reprieve from your wife…. but I have something to say about that……….

Ladies, if a man says he will fix something around the house, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months!

Since I’ve mentioned Rachel Dolezal (who will soon be starring in the new movie, “Fifty Shades of Black”) allow me to share my thoughts about the situation… I had the pleasure of watching her interview on the “Today” show, but I don’t think she’s learned her lesson. (She spent the first hour pretending to be Al Roker!) During the interview she said that she drew pictures of herself with a brown crayon, instead of a peach-colored crayon. Peach did not “appeal” to her. She referred to that color as “the pits.” (Relax, I have no more fruit jokes!)

However, just for the record, when I was a kid my parents were always telling me to get lost… so I drew myself with invisible ink! (Hey, that was better than another fruit pun!)

Speaking of ink….. Donald Trump is getting a lot of free press after his big announcement. (He’s running for President again.) Trump wasted no time getting down to business. He demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate! He also promised to be the best job-creator that God ever made. (I’d feel better about that if his motto wasn’t “You’re fired!”) Oh well, if he doesn’t get the nomination he can always put on a little more spray tan and run for president of the Spokane NAACP!

And since we’re on the subject of tans….. my trip down to the Caribbean has begun to pay handsome dividends. I am proud to report that RANSOM ON THE RHONE is the number one best-selling mystery on the lovely isle of St. Thomas. Number two on St. John. (Nobody reads on St. Croix… too windy.)

Due to popular demand (from a blog follower in Siberia) I shall attempt to post some stunningly gorgeous photographs from my recent voyage to the American Virgin Islands. I do hope you like them. (You can purchase copies at the bookstore or at any Post Office.)

Accordingly, I shall leave you with one final thought… as I quote the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln….. “Don’t believe everything that you read on the Internet.” Verily, I say unto thee, go forth and have a wonderful (and safe) week. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

June 7, 2015

FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM!

Frankly my dear, winning a major book award is ALWAYS a charming experience, but winning four of them is a bit overwhelming. Nevertheless, my non-fiction history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just been chosen as a FINALIST in the “History United States” Category in the 2015 INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS!

This year’s contest attracted a large number of entries, over 12oo books from around the globe, many of them written by best-selling authors with very familiar names. I have no idea how I was chosen for this honor, but as my dentist likes to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth!

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I am back in Austin, Texas. My recent book tour/dive trip/rum sampling was a complete success. (Sold some books and no arrests.) I’d like to thank our St. John hosts, the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, for their generous hospitality. We had a marvelous week on the island, and I intend to return their silverware in the very near future! (The next time I’m down in the Caribbean.)

Hey, what did you think about my little pony? (American Pharoah) I noticed this horse before the Kentucky Derby and I had a hunch that he could go all the way. Interestingly, I used to live near Belmont Race Track, and I saw Seattle Slew win in 1977 and Affirmed in 1978. (In fact, I got married in 1978, which turned out to be a “sure bet” on my part!) Coincidentally, I’ve just finished a new “Adam Gold” mystery, titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. (The story deals with equine insurance fraud.) Good timing on my part, eh?

Speaking of good timing, I returned home to find my mug plastered on the front page of the Four Points News. Accompanied, I might add, by a well-written article about my numerous awards, courtesy of Sarah Doolittle, a charming and talented reporter. Thanks for the kind words, Sarah! (Next time we should use a photo of Brad Pitt!)

I also noticed that folks are talking about Bruce Jenner’s recent transformation. I don’t know much about sex change operations, but I’m glad my wife is paying attention to the story. (Maybe we can have “sex for a change!”) I know, I know, don’t hold my breath.

By the way, some of you have inquired about the losing horses in the Belmont Stakes. I’m not sure about this, but I think that some of them end up in a different kind of steak. In any case, I would avoid Arby’s for a while. (I hate to sound like a “nag,” but you never know.)

Speaking of changes (i.e., Bruce Jenner) I would like to inform my blog followers that due to an intense travel schedule (three more book tours this summer!) my Sunday blog, starting today, will be posted every other Sunday until the fall. I am not running out of lame jokes, but between writing, traveling, rum consumption, and book tours, my head is spinning! (What goes around comes around, but not in this case!)

If you experience “blog withdrawal,” take heart! I am now negotiating with a publisher who seems interested in producing a book of my humorous posts. (There were a few of them!) I’m not sure if I’ll proceed with this project, but only because I have just started a brand new non-fiction history book. These history books are very time consuming, so I might hold off on the blog book for a while. In any case, if you miss my humor, check out a guy named Mark Twain. He writes well, but he’s not as funny as me.

Well, that’s about it for now, amigos. I do hope you have a marvelous week. I shall (starting today) post a few photographs from my recent Caribbean adventure. Please forgive me, if I post any nude shots. (Trust me, they won’t be photos of me!) Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

May 24, 2015

PILATES OF THE CARIBBEAN!

Would you believe that I have “exercised” my freedom and returned to the lovely island of St. John? Well, it’s true, me buckoos, the old swashbuckler (me) has returned to the Caribbean for another seafaring adventure! The first mate and I are staying in a palatial estate overlooking Chocolate Hole, named for the color of the water just below the cliff. The view and the digs are simply gorgeous, and we even have our own pool. (Which we share with a friendly brown pelican.)

The turquoise ocean is swarming with seagulls, and the bay is swarming with….. bay gulls. (You just knew where that was going, right?) The bay gulls are sort of lazy. They just “lox” around all day. To me, they are like my children. ( Once you feed them, you’re stuck with them!) Ah well, I’m too young to be an empty-nester.

Back to the exercise thing….. Here, for your reading pleasure, is my daily itinerary… Up at dawn, use the bathroom, back to bed, rise at nine a.m., use the bathroom, eat a gourmet breakfast, use the bathroom, drive to the beach (there are 20 to choose from!) swim and snorkel, eat a light lunch (or substitute with rum & cola) take a short nap, use the bathroom, make believe I’m not staring at the girls in those tiny bikinis, swim some more, dry off, go home, get dressed, go out for dinner, drink some more rum, use the bathroom, go to bed, and then repeat in morning!

I know exactly what you’re thinking. When does this man have time to write his award-winning books? I have begun to ask myself that same question. Did it ever dawn on you that I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom? (No, I do not have a prostrate problem.) I thought a prostrate was a woman who took money for sex! (Actually, most of those naughty ladies do end up prostrate, but that’s another story.) Where was I?

Oh yes, I remember… the writing stuff. Well, let’s put it this way, if experience is the best teacher, then I have been learning a lot, and sooner or later, it will show up in another book. (I mention this, so that I can deduct this trip on next year’s tax return!) By the way, we are staying with the Princess of Portugal, and her tax-dodging husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus. They are great hosts, and very wealthy, so I leave my wallet at home. (Well, that’s what I told them!) We actually go “Dutch.” (I only pay when we go to the Dutch side of St. Maarten!) So far, we’ve been able to avoid that island!

For those of you who do not subscribe to the New York Times, (and let’s face it, who the hell would?) they were kind enough to reprint a news blurb about my recent award. I won’t bore you with all of the details (again) but I recently won the gold medal presented by the 9th Annual 2015 National Indie Excellence Award. My book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as the best history book of the year, and I am very grateful to the judges for this wonderful honor. The NIEA competition is fierce, and there were many great books this year. So once again, thanks for the memories! (and the lovely prize!)

In closing, if I may, I would like to remind everyone of something far more important than writing and blogging. I would like to publicly thank all of the brave men and women who have served in our nation’s military. I am smart enough to understand that NOTHING I do would be possible without the sacrifice that our veterans have made. Thank you all for your service to our country! We love you, respect you, and honor your deeds on our behalf. May God bless all of our veterans this Memorial Day.

Finally, to my loyal blog followers, I would remind you to have some fun this weekend, even if your in-laws are coming over the house for a barbecue! Please keep in mind the words of my high school psychologist, who once said to me, “You’re responding nicely to therapy. You can sit up the next time we meet.” (Hey, in my opinion, “normal” is just a setting on the dryer!) Have a great weekend.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Just to make you jealous, I will attach a photograph of me “in my office.”

May 17, 2015

A DAY AT THE RACES…..

Well, I hate to brag, but once again I have shown the world that I am in the wrong line of work….. even though, technically, I don’t have a job. Why am I writing books when I could become a professional handicapper? Yes, once again, my favorite steed, AMERICAN PHAROAH, has won the big race! (And made me lots of money!)

Yesterday was the running of the Preakness Stakes, and my darling horse finished first. I noticed that there were a few “celebrities” in the crowd this year. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a front row seat. (Make that two seats.) He was slightly disappointed when he discovered that it was a “stakes” race, not a “steak race.” I don’t if it’s true, but I heard that the Baltimore D.A. indicted a couple of the losing horses, and two jockeys. (Heartless woman!)

By the way, American Pharoah is owned by an Egyptian-American gent named Ahmed Zayat. Mr. Zayat was forced to leave Egypt because of a financial scandal. (I think.) I might be wrong about this, but I think he invented the Pyramid Scheme. (Ouch!) I know, that joke Sphinx. What can I say, I’m in de-Nile! Tut tut, let’s move along…..

Did you see that Mitt Romney stepped into the boxing ring with Evander Holyfield? (They were raising money for charity.) Nice to see Mitt running again! (I’d run too!) I did some boxing during my misspent youth, and I was pretty good. Actually, I worked at UPS, but we still did a lot of boxing.

How many of you folks read the second Adam Gold mystery, THE PIRATE PATH? (O.K., you can put your hand down, Mom.) Well, if you recall, the book was about Captain Kidd’s treasure. Guess what? Divers just located some loot from one of Kidd’s ships! They found a silver bar or two off the coast of Madagascar. How cool is that? One of the bars was inscribed with the name of the pirate ship, and the discovery might lead to more treasure. I need to spend more time looking for bars!

Sales of RANSOM ON THE RHONE are growing steadily, and if the pace continues, this book will become the best-selling mystery that I have written. Thanks again to all you blogsters who have continued to support my writing career. In all seriousness, I couldn’t have done it without you!

Speaking of thanks, I’d like to thank my brilliant cousin Max, and his lovely and talented wife, Barbara, for hosting a very special dinner at the Steiner Ranch Steakhouse last night. Max was recently abroad. (No, there will be no Bruce Jenner jokes!) Barbara has been abroad for quite some time. Anyway, they had a wonderful trip to Europe, but it’s great to have them back in Austin.

Next week is book tour time, and we’re off to the sunny isle of St. Thomas and St. John, for a week of diving and thriving with the Princess of Portugal and her husband, Baron Von Bomblatus! Watch out rum, here I come!

On that cheerful note, I shall take my leave. (I wish somebody would take all my leaves!) Have a safe and prosperous week. And remember this poignant thought….. The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

May 3, 2015

HORSING AROUND…..

AND THEY’RE OFF! And so was I… off my rocker due to a copious amount of Kentucky bourbon! How I managed to survive this year’s Kentucky Derby is a story in and of itself. (I’m not sure whether it would be considered fiction or non-fiction.) In any case, I and my compadres wound up at a Derby Party in Round Rock, hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her exorbitantly wealthy husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus. (The Baron of Schnitzelstein.)

Before I elaborate on the event, let me confirm the rumors that have been floating around the Internet and on the front page of The New York Times and The National Enquirer… Yes, it’s true, I won (split) the enormous purse generated by this year’s Derby pool. By sheer brilliance, and modesty, I managed to pick the FIRST and THIRD place horses. (American Pharoah and Dortmund.) Soooo…. there I was, surrounded by gorgeous women in wide-brimmed hats, ready to collect my loot, when guess what happens? The Track Steward announces that someone has picked the number one horse and the number two horse and the number three horse!

Who, you might ask, would be able to accomplish this seemingly impossible feat? (or should I say “feet?”) Well, I’ll give you one guess… I live with her. (No, not the blonde next door!) My wife! That’s right, Miss Patty was the only person in the state of Kentucky to pick the top 3 horses in the Kentucky Derby! (I would mention the payout, but two of my blog followers work for the I.R.S.) How did this woman do it? Well, she told the Louisville Gazette that she learned about the “sport of kings” by living with a horse’s ass. (Hey, at least she mentioned me!)

So get this…. on the day of the big race, at approximately 11:36 a.m., I finished my fifth mystery novel. The title of the book, believe it or not, is called….. A RUN FOR THE MONEY. And yes, it deals with equine insurance and the Thoroughbred racing industry! Freaky, eh? Another example of life imitating art! The book will be published some time this fall or maybe early in 2016, depending on the publisher’s schedule.

You know what’s crazy? (Besides, me.) Floyd Mayweather just made about 200 million dollars by beating Manny Pacquiao in a boxing match. Meanwhile, American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby and got an extra carrot! Life ain’t fair. American Pharoah is twice as smart as Mayweather. Well, let’s put it this way, he certainly has more “horse sense!”

For those of you who care, my Spring Book Tour has been set and is now available for public viewing at the Barnes & Noble Author Site. I am most excited to be re-visiting my fans on St. Thomas and St. John, the crown jewels of the American Virgin Islands. My publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, has arranged an outstanding itinerary. (I tease the poor man, but he is a true genius!) If you live in Mississippi, Alabama, or Florida, you might want to check out our tour stops, and please come by and say hello! We will be covering a lot of ground, but I would love to see some of my loyal blog followers!

In closing, I would like to thank my French fans for making RANSOM ON THE RHONE the number one American mystery in Paris for 4 consecutive weeks! Merci beaucoup! Your continued support and interest is greatly appreciated!

Well, my dear sports fans, I must sign off. (I am having my kidneys flushed out from yesterday’s bourbon fest!) I am going to limit my alcohol consumption for the next two hours. I mean, days. Did I ever mention that my uncle died from drinking a quart of shellac? Poor guy. He did have a nice finish, though.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 26, 2015

A CLASSY GUY…

Well, it’s official… after a short incarceration, I mean, vacation, I have decided to return to the classroom! Thus, I shall be teaching a CREATIVE WRITING course at the Dell Community Center this summer. Here, my dear friends, are the impertinent details: The classes will be held on July 21, August 4, and August 11. Each class is 1 1/2 hours long. (but they will seem longer!) The starting time, subject to slight alteration, should be around 11:00 a.m. (They wanted me to teach an early morning class, but that would have caused a slight altercation!) If you’re interested, please contact Lisa Quay at the Dell Center.

Speaking of classy guys, my old high school chum, Glenn Fitzgerald, Vice President of Proluxe, sent me a congratulatory bottle of Nolet’s Silver Gin. (We were celebrating the Gold Medal that “THE SECOND MOURNING” received from the Beverly Hills International Book Awards.) The bottle is actually “engraved” with my name! How the heck did he find a bottle with my name on it?! I’m telling you, wonders never cease! (Thanks, Glenn!)

Another great friend, Jaime Rubenstein, was one of the stars at last night’s Lakeway musical extravaganza. Jaime stole the show (but was forced to return it later on) with her brilliant and comical cruise song. The lady can do it all, sing, dance, and act. Her performance nearly brought down the house. (No, the building was not poorly constructed!) Some guy named Gary was ejected for stalking Jaime with a camera, but other than that, the show was a huge success.

Hey, before I forget, one of my best friends (and a distant relative) is having a big week, so I want to wish Dr. Max the best of luck! We all hope you “bring home the bacon.” If all goes well, Max & Co. will soon be living “high off the hog.” (How many pig jokes is this guy gonna do?) All right, just one more… when you’re in N.Y.C., never pork in a handicapped space. OK, now I can stop “hamming” it up!

By the way, do you know why I have so many friends? (other than the modest cash payments that I make) Well, it’s because of my personal belief that before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. (That way when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!) Smart thinking, right?

Tonight we are having dinner up in Round Rock with the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee. She might be making Mexican food, which I am dreading. I love Mexican food, but she wants to make some crazy dish called Chicken Mole. Don’t get me wrong, I love chicken, but I’ll be damned if I eat a mole. (Check this out, the whacky senorita intends to cover the rodent with chocolate sauce!) Thanks, but no thanks. Comprende?

Finally, I want to send a special HELLO to my dear friend, Peter. Life is about to get really wonderful for him, and I couldn’t be happier. We are all very proud of you, and we absolutely worship your beautiful companion! (who just happens to be my beautiful daughter, Rebecca!) Looking forward to seeing you both tomorrow… but please don’t feel obligated to buy (too much) champagne! I’m not worthy. (Actually, I am, but why push my luck?)

In closing, on a serious note, my thoughts and prayers go out to the kind and generous folks in Nepal. Yesterday’s earthquake was devastating, but hang in there, my friends. Help is on the way! (Thanks to the never-ending generosity of Americans.) This too shall pass.

Well, buckeroos, time to saddle up and head out to the north forty. Or the south thirty. Whichever comes first. Happy trails to you and yours, and look for the old ranger (that would be me) next Sunday, same time, same place.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 12, 2015

A TAXING TIME…..

Well, my friends, it’s THAT time again… time to enrich the coffers of our Uncle Sam and deal with the Infernal Revenue Service! Which reminds me, what do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement? (Answer: A cement shortage!) Just in case you missed that one, here’s one more… What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent? (Answer: A Doberman!) All right, enough jokes, lest I get audited. (again)

Did you folks watch any of the NCAA Basketball Tournament? I did, but none of my picks did very well. Of course, I still did better than President Obama and Jeb Bush. Obama’s mind must be elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran. Bush’s picks for the Final Four were Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa.

Since we’re on the subject of politics, did you hear that Ted Cruz was arrested at the Port of Galveston? (The arresting officer told the press that he was just trying to “book a Cruz!”) Ouch! OK, how about this one….. President Obama has announced that his family will move to N.Y.C. after his term is over. Dang, that guy just can’t get enough gridlock! Apparently, the Obamas chose N.Y.C. because they’ve gotten so used to people trying to break into their home!

So what else is new? Well, in the field of “life imitating art,” the shooting incident in South Carolina comes on the heels of my recent visit. Incredibly, I actually had a chat with the police chief about crime in North Charleston, as it plays an important role in my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY. Kind of weird how these things keep happening to me.

By the way, several blog followers have inquired about my stop on St. Helena Island. I was there, primarily, to visit the Penn Center (which, as you may recall, was one of the first schools created to educate freed slaves after the Civil War.) and if you look closely at the photograph of the brick building at the end of this post you will see a modest church. Well, it was in this very church basement that MLK wrote his famous “I Have A Dream” speech.

And speaking of writers… the photo of me and another gentleman, standing near the marsh, is also quite interesting. The other fellow is none other than Pierre McGowan, author of “The Gullah Mailman,” a book about his father, Sam, who delivered the mail to Gullah residents beginning in 1924. (On horseback!) The book is quite fascinating and offers some remarkable stories of life on remote St. Helena Island. (Which used to contain about 18 rice and indigo plantations, and is hauntingly beautiful, and connected to many ghost stories.)

Oh, and since we’re discussing stories, several curious blog followers have asked about my recent 5-STAR book review. If you want to read the whole thing, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t, simply log onto ReaderReviews.com and follow the little icons to “THE SECOND MOURNING.” You can also download the review, make a few thousand copies, and hand them out at your local mall. This effort will be greatly appreciated (by me) and I am willing to chip in if your bail is set at a reasonable amount. Think of it as a sacrifice for great literature. Never mind, think of it as way to meet other felons.

Finally, I should like to mention that I was recently interviewed by Ms. Sarah Doolittle, a brilliant reporter from the Four Points News. Her in-depth article about yours truly will be published shortly, and if my photograph is presentable, I will post the whole thing on my blog. And speaking of brilliance, we had the pleasure of sharing a weekend reunion with the lovely and talented Holley Hendrickson, and her husband, Mike. (Mike is talented, too, but not as lovely as his wife.) We have known these rascals for 40 years! They never change, and that’s a great thing, for they are great friends. (I just wish I would have remembered to bring my wallet. Oh well, maybe next time!)

Well, amigos y amigettes, have a safe and wonderful week. I shall leave you with some more brilliance, this time from the mind of the great Asian philosopher, Confucius. The great teacher said….. “Guy who lose key to girl’s apartment get no new-key!” (I’ve been down that road before!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

April 5, 2015

GLORY DAZE!

Before I explain, allow me to wish each and every one of my loyal blog followers (all 17,000 of you!) a Happy Easter and/or Joyous Passover. I truly hope that you and yours receive the full blessings of the season. Spring, as you know, is a time of renewal. (and I am not referring to your driver’s license!) Actually, Spring done sprung on March 20th, but who’s counting? (Other than the IRS?)

I think I’ve asked this question before, but is a person required to pay taxes EVERY year? I’m glad I have two children. They’re taxing, but also deductible. Well, at least the new tax forms have been simplified beyond understanding. Hey, why isn’t Lois Lane in jail? I mean, Lois Lerner? Come to think of it, how come I’m not in jail? Never mind, let’s move on…

Well, my dear friends, it has been quite a week. (Hence the title of this here blog post.) On the day I left charming Beaufort (South Carolina) I was informed that my book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as a FINALIST in the prestigious Indie Book Awards Contest sponsored by Foreward Reviews’ Magazine. (Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medals will be awarded on June 26th at the American Library Association Annual Conference in San Francisco. (Nominees are required to bring their own water!)

Two days later, when we arrived in Atlanta, I received word that THE SECOND MOURNING had won the GOLD MEDAL in the Beverly Hills International Book Award Contest! The honor was bestowed for best book of the year in the History – United States Category. In presenting the award, the judges were kind enough to write: “Dr. Yanoff’s book truly embodies the excellence that this award was created to celebrate.” All I can say is Hooray for Hollywood! (And thank you!)

Incredibly, it looks like I may also be a FINALIST or medal winner in a third literary contest. (I will know this Tuesday.) I just received an amazing review from the contest sponsor, Reader Reviews Magazine. The judge/reviewer described THE SECOND MOURNING in glowing terms, such as, “5 Stars – a treasure of a book,”excellent story,” “simply brilliant,” and “a must-read.” (My own mother couldn’t have written a better review, and believe me, she’s tried!)

Several blog followers have asked me to address the highlight of my trip to the Low Country. Giving Pat Conroy some writing tips was fun, but the peace de resistance, was eating barbecue pork at Sgt. White’s Restaurant and visiting the Marine Training Base on Parris Island. As some of you may know, I spent several summers training with the SEALS. (At SEAWORLD in San Antonio.) Stop laughing, it wasn’t easy balancing that ball on my nose. I did manage one amazing feat. (or should I say “flipper?”) I trained some of the animals to clean up their own pool! (I received the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval!) God, I need to get a real job.

I did hear one sad tale while touring the Marine Base. I met a Marine D.I. (Drill Instructor) who had just found out that his wife was having an affair! Naturally, he was devastated, so in order to find comfort and peace, he had turned to religion. Soon, he was able to come to terms with the whole thing. He had converted to Islam and was now planning to stone his wife in the morning! Hoorah! Semper Fi!

For those of you who are still awake, I shall end this historical, I mean, hysterical post by wishing you and yours a safe and wonderful week! If you scroll down, you will see some lovely photos taken in and around Beaufort, South Carolina. (I have deleted all nudity, due to federal regulations and concerns about the environment.)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

March 22, 2015

THE SUNSHINE BOY!

Well, folks, here I am, enjoying the glorious warmth of the Sunshine State. (That would be Florida, NOT New Jersey!) I feel so alive now that I am back on the coast. I know it’s corny, but I have often thought of my mother being the clean, white sand and my father the roaring ocean. Of course, that would make me a son of a beach, but who cares? I love salt water, and since I have over 40 years of scuba diving experience under my (weight) belt, I feel right at home in the Atlantic Ocean.

Unfortunately, home is where many fatal injuries are sustained… and today was almost one of those days. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water in West Palm Beach, a horde of black-tip sharks showed up in the shallow water! My dive buddies and I counted over 600 sharks, which is roughly 599 more than I feel comfortable with! So much for diving and snorkeling. I even feel guilty about asking my wife to retrieve my buoyancy vest and face mask. (She only had to swim out ten or twenty yards, but I still feel a twinge of remorse.)

In case you’re wondering, I fell in love with scuba diving after watching countless episodes of SEA HUNT. Do you remember that T.V. show? Lloyd Bridges played a character named Mike Nelson, who ran a dive shop with his brother David, and their parents, Ozzie and Harriet. Wait a minute, I think I got that wrong. Never mind, the show was “all wet” anyway.

After our involuntary shark encounter, we drove up to Jacksonville, signed some books, and attended a gala dinner in my honor at a wonderful seafood restaurant called St. Mary’s Seafood House. If you’re ever on this coast, you must try this establishment. (Think incredible friend oysters and shrimp.) My little presentation was a huge success and we actually sold a lot of books. (I know that some of you, including my agent, Jesse James Lipschitz, are curious about which books sold the best, so here is the ranking….. 1. The Graceland Gang 2. The Second Mourning 3. Devil’s Cove 4. Ransom on the Rhone, and last but not least, 5. The Pirate Path

After dinner, I was asked to judge a wet t-shirt contest, but since the contestants were male, I declined the offer. (Been there, done that.) When I got back to my car, I discovered that the windshield was covered with bird poop! (The area is filled with egrets, and their cousins who are always apologizing for pooping on your car. They’re called regrets.) I fired a couple of warning shots at them, but the damn vandals have no fear of human beings. The next time I drive up this way, I’m bringing a cat.

Tomorrow we head for the charming town of Beaufort, South Carolina. If you want to check out my digs, look up the Rhett House Bed & Breakfast. I think you might find the history of this place quite intriguing. We have a Low Country Boil scheduled for dinner. (I sure hope the “boil” doesn’t refer to the chef’s body.) The following morning we head for St. Helena Island, and a full day of Gullah history. When you get a free moment, look up the Penn Center of South Carolina. I will be signing some books in the lobby, which is quite an honor, because this was the very spot where MLK wrote his famous “I Have A Dream” speech.

Well, it’s been a long day, and I am starting to dream about a good night’s sleep… so I must bid you farewell. Let’s plan to meet again next Sunday, whence I shall regale you with more tales from the Low Country. By then, I will be an expert on grits, gravy, and frogmore stew! Have a safe and happy week!

Love to all…

Doc Yanoff