AND THEY’RE OFF! And so was I… off my rocker due to a copious amount of Kentucky bourbon! How I managed to survive this year’s Kentucky Derby is a story in and of itself. (I’m not sure whether it would be considered fiction or non-fiction.) In any case, I and my compadres wound up at a Derby Party in Round Rock, hosted by the Princess of Portugal and her exorbitantly wealthy husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus. (The Baron of Schnitzelstein.)
Before I elaborate on the event, let me confirm the rumors that have been floating around the Internet and on the front page of The New York Times and The National Enquirer… Yes, it’s true, I won (split) the enormous purse generated by this year’s Derby pool. By sheer brilliance, and modesty, I managed to pick the FIRST and THIRD place horses. (American Pharoah and Dortmund.) Soooo…. there I was, surrounded by gorgeous women in wide-brimmed hats, ready to collect my loot, when guess what happens? The Track Steward announces that someone has picked the number one horse and the number two horse and the number three horse!
Who, you might ask, would be able to accomplish this seemingly impossible feat? (or should I say “feet?”) Well, I’ll give you one guess… I live with her. (No, not the blonde next door!) My wife! That’s right, Miss Patty was the only person in the state of Kentucky to pick the top 3 horses in the Kentucky Derby! (I would mention the payout, but two of my blog followers work for the I.R.S.) How did this woman do it? Well, she told the Louisville Gazette that she learned about the “sport of kings” by living with a horse’s ass. (Hey, at least she mentioned me!)
So get this…. on the day of the big race, at approximately 11:36 a.m., I finished my fifth mystery novel. The title of the book, believe it or not, is called….. A RUN FOR THE MONEY. And yes, it deals with equine insurance and the Thoroughbred racing industry! Freaky, eh? Another example of life imitating art! The book will be published some time this fall or maybe early in 2016, depending on the publisher’s schedule.
You know what’s crazy? (Besides, me.) Floyd Mayweather just made about 200 million dollars by beating Manny Pacquiao in a boxing match. Meanwhile, American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby and got an extra carrot! Life ain’t fair. American Pharoah is twice as smart as Mayweather. Well, let’s put it this way, he certainly has more “horse sense!”
For those of you who care, my Spring Book Tour has been set and is now available for public viewing at the Barnes & Noble Author Site. I am most excited to be re-visiting my fans on St. Thomas and St. John, the crown jewels of the American Virgin Islands. My publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, has arranged an outstanding itinerary. (I tease the poor man, but he is a true genius!) If you live in Mississippi, Alabama, or Florida, you might want to check out our tour stops, and please come by and say hello! We will be covering a lot of ground, but I would love to see some of my loyal blog followers!
In closing, I would like to thank my French fans for making RANSOM ON THE RHONE the number one American mystery in Paris for 4 consecutive weeks! Merci beaucoup! Your continued support and interest is greatly appreciated!
Well, my dear sports fans, I must sign off. (I am having my kidneys flushed out from yesterday’s bourbon fest!) I am going to limit my alcohol consumption for the next two hours. I mean, days. Did I ever mention that my uncle died from drinking a quart of shellac? Poor guy. He did have a nice finish, though.
Love to all,
This is by far your best blog yet!! Too funny!