April 17, 2016

RENDER UNTO CAESAR…..

I’m not sure why Sid Caesar deserves all of our money, but none the less, it’s that time of year again. What time? (you might ask) The most “taxing time” of the year… the day that federal income tax is due. (or in my case, past-due!) Yup, another year has flown by, and now it’s time to cough up the dough. Did you know that the I.R.S. (the Infernal Revenue Service) processes over 200,000,000 individual tax returns each year? (surely they won’t miss mine!) Believe it or not, the U.S. Tax Code is 3.7 million words in length! (that’s longer than my next book!)

Speaking of books….. (smooth segue, eh?) Due to the influx of recent book awards (and blind luck) I will soon be the subject of a featured article in the upcoming issue of the Penguin Press literary review. I was interviewed last week, and the questions were quite good. (no so much the answers!) In any case, the kind folks at the Penguin Group are determined to publish the article, so as soon as it becomes available I will post a link. If you want an autographed copy, you can either send me twenty bucks or pay part of my tax bill. (I prefer the later. Actually, I prefer a ladder, but only because I’d like to reach new heights!)

By the way, speaking of new heights, congratulations to last week’s photo trivia contest winner… Dr. Milburn Stone from Dodge City, Kansas. (I wonder if that’s where “dodge-ball” was invented?) In any case, the good doctor guessed correctly, identifying the photo as….. (drum roll, please) my humble abode in Austin, Texas!

And since we’re on the subject of Texas…. Let me say a word or two about last week’s book signing, held in lovely (and humid) Baytown. I used to spend a lot of time down there, boating, fishing, and drinking huge quantities of tequila. I really enjoy Baytown, and if you plan to visit, you must try a juicy cheeseburger at Rooster’s Steakhouse. (They grind their own meat… no jokes, please! They also make their own fruit pies, which are quite yummy in the tummy.) I met some very nice people over at the Baytown Nature Center, which is a very pleasant place to visit. Incidentally, if you think auto racing is a drag, then you can also visit Royal Purple Raceway and watch the drag racers do their thing. (My Ford-150 can beat anything on the track… if we go in “reverse.”)

In closing, I shall enthrall your literary sensitivities (that sounds dirty!) by sharing some news with you….. the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, is undergoing some final editing, and should be available nation-wide in mid-May. (I had to add a chapter to connect a few of the dots, but we are now good to go) I shall, as they say, keep you posted.

Well, take care, and please keep in mind that LIFE is sexually transmitted.

Have a safe and wonderful two weeks…. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Another trivia contest photo attached. Good luck!

April 3, 2016

DELIRIOUS AND MYSTERIOUS!

Let’s start with delirious… my natural state of mind. Why, you might inquire, am I feeling a tad euphoric today? Well, mainly because my last “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, just received the Honorable Mention Award (2nd place) at the 4th ANNUAL BEVERLY HILLS INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS! This marks the third award for this particularly book, which as the title suggests, takes place on the Rhone River in France. I wrote this one after taking a week-long cruise with our great friends, Barbara and Max Talbott. The best part of writing the book was re-living our river adventures and remembering all of the great people and ports that we encountered. (By the way, since April 15 is right around the corner, I should mention that the entire voyage was tax deductible. Yes, even the wine and caviar!)

And since we are on the subject of awards… I am proud to share some other wonderful news with you… THE SECOND MOURNING, my semi-brilliant book about the Garfield assassination, just won its 13th book award last Wednesday! The 2016 Great Northwest Book Festival chose my book as “Honorable Mention” in the General Non-Fiction Category. This is a much tougher category (more submissions) than the History Category, so I was thrilled to become a “chosen one.” (A little Passover humor!)

Before I forget, congratulations to Marvin Stern from Salt Lake City, Utah. (Mr. Stern won last week’s photo trivia contest.) He was the first to correctly identify the location as Cove Boutique in Austin, Texas. (A gorgeous boutique for the ladies on South Congress Avenue.) Actually, Judge Susan Marquess (the famous “hanging judge” of the Hill Country) was the first, but since she is family, she was promptly disqualified. Incidentally, she’s called the “hanging judge” because she goes from store to store hanging up clothes. Odd hobby, but who am I to… judge?

When I was teaching public speaking at St. Edward’s University, I would always remind my students that it was normal to feel nervous at the podium. (Survey after survey shows that the two most feared social situations for young folks are: 1. Going to a party filled with strangers. 2. Giving a speech) Oddly enough, these are the very two situations that all writers must deal with in order to market their books. Hence, my teaching career was great preparation for this book gig, which involves a lot of public speaking before strangers. (and free food and drink, too!)

As an example of the above, I had the pleasure of attending a book signing up in Mason, Texas, last week. (Mason is a charming little town perched on the western edge of the Hill Country.) After a hearty breakfast, at the Willow Creek Cafe, I strolled over to the Mason Square Museum, which contains some fascinating artifacts, including a massive, 6,480-carat chunk of blue topaz! I offered to trade several books for the topaz, but the curator turned me down. (I wonder if Stephen King is forced to suffer such indignities?) In any case, the Mason County Library now contains several copies of THE SECOND MOURNING, so if you’re ever in the area, “check out” the books! (Incidentally, if you want to look for topaz, you can go to the Bar M Ranch, just west of town. They allow private digging for a reasonable fee.) Try not to hit their sprinkler system, like you-know-who did!

In closing, I would remind my Texas friends that spring signals the start of snake-mating season, so be very careful. Each year, several people die from snake-bite here in the Hill Country. I strongly advise everyone NOT TO BITE A SNAKE! (Slim-Jims taste better and are very affordable.)

With that being said, I shall take my leave of thee. Hopefully there is a photograph below this hysterical blog post. If so, be the first to correctly identify the location and you will win a marvelous prize. Until we meet again, I remain,

Doc Yanoff (Love to all!)

March 20, 2016

HAPPY (BELATED) ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

So, how was your 2016 holiday? Did you celebrate St. Patty’s Day, the day that the beloved saint drove the snakes out of Ireland… and the worms into tequila bottles? We certainly had a rip-roaring day & night. (from what I remember) Of course, you must remember that my wife’s maiden name was McCloskey, and you can’t get more Irish than that. This year the sweet leprechaun made a traditional seven-course Irish dinner. (one boiled potato and a six-pack of beer!) Just kidding. We actually had green beer, green cabbage, and green corned beef hash. Unfortunately, there was no green dye used. (the stuff was just old!)

The Irish, as many of you know, are a very happy lot. However, in a recent survey, Denmark was rated as the “happiest country on earth.” I’m not surprised. I’d be happy too if I had a pastry named after me. (Danish) Was that last joke a little cheesy?

So what else is new? Well, I’m proud to announce that my last book, THE SECOND MOURNING, recently won its 11th book award! The brilliant tome was awarded “Honorable Mention” at the 2016 Los Angeles Book Festival, which I think is in California. I have been invited to the grand ceremony, which will be followed by a gourmet meal at a restaurant that received a 3-star rating from Michelin. (Why is a tire company rating restaurants? Sounds a little sketchy to me.)

Meanwhile, the presidential race rolls onward! I might throw my hat into the ring, and if I do, this will be my campaign motto: “BAN PRE-SHREDDED CHEESE. MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN!” (Good Lord, that’s the second cheese reference!) That last joke was an oldie and a moldy! Speaking of politics… I see that Clinton and Trump will be on the Late Show this week. (Bernie Sanders will be appraised on the “Antiques Roadshow.”) Come on, that one was cute!

Speaking of cute….. Congratulations to Mrs. Donna Diloretto of Austin, Texas. Donna was the winner of last week’s trivia contest, correctly identifying the photograph of El Morro National Monument in Puerto Rico.

I would also like to mention (and thank) the beautiful and talented Mrs. Gladys Deatrick (of Mt. Juliet, Tennessee) for sending me a wonderful compact disc. (A copy of the recent PBS program titled, “Murder of a President. Romance, Madness, Medicine, and the Death of James A. Garfield.”) As many of you know, my book, THE SECOND MOURNING, presents the true story of the assassination, and provides some startling information about the assassin.

I would also like to thank the lovely Shelda Hamilton of Saskatchewan, Canada, for sending along some photographs of her home town, Saskatoon. (Please say hello to your ne’er-do-well companion for me.) Shelda is “attached” to Dr. George, one of the most prominent physicians south of the North Pole. Or north of the South Pole. I forget which.)

I may be heading for Los Angeles on Wednesday, so if I end up in jail I’m sure you’ll understand. The last time I was there, I had a traumatic experience at Denny’s Restaurant in Brentwood. I ordered breakfast (a two-egg omelet) and get this… the waiter forgot my coffee! To make matters worse, he brought over O.J. (When did that creep get out of prison?)

Well, that’s about all for now. (whew!) Have a safe and wonderful week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Feeling lucky? Be the first to correctly identify the location of the attached photograph and you will win an autographed book!

March 6, 2016

PUT THE MEDAL TO THE PEDAL!

So, you might ask, what am I “driving” at? Well, there I was, on my way to sunny south Florida to pick up my gold medal, recently awarded by the Florida Book Festival, when lo and behold, I receive an email from my publicist, (Blind Lenny Lefkowitz) stating that I won first place in the USA REGIONAL EXCELLENCE BOOK AWARDS! Soooo…. I have to make a quick u-turn and head north to Washington, D.C. But wait, this is not as easy as it sounds. I happen to be flying on an airplane. I was tempted to ask the pilot to drop me off somewhere over Virginia, but I decided against it. (Oh, shoot, no parachute!)

Make a long story short, I came to lovely Boca Raton and spent a week charming the locals. If you want to see the USA REGIONAL announcement, just go to their website. By the way, they were very kind to me, and they described THE SECOND MOURNING thusly: “The book truly captured the spirit of United States history and the excellence that this award was created to celebrate.”

Speaking of capturing spirits, my mother’s 90th birthday party was a HUGE success. (Even though Mr. Trump was not present.) Thanks to the efforts of Grace and Glenn Yanoff, the affair was held at the incredibly beautiful Addison Reserve Country Club, which went all out and presented an amazing seafood extravaganza of lobster, shrimp, mussels, clams, oysters, and crab legs. (Yes, I arrived with rubber-lined pockets, and left with a couple of pounds of delicious lobster tails. Unfortunately, the melted butter stained my pants.) By the way, my new name at the club is “butter-butt.”

Hey, have you folks read the Sunday New York Times? No, they didn’t mention me. However, if you look in the Travel Section you will see an article called “36 Hours in Austin, Texas.” The good folks in New York listed the best “things to do” in Austin, and one of those things was a visit to my daughter’s new clothing boutique, called COVE. (The dang kid is getting more press than me! What’s the story with that?)

Well, all is not lost. I did get a short mention in the Boca Raton Gazette. Some reporter was asking tourists if they knew the difference between an alligator and a crocodile. When they made the mistake of asking me, I said, “It’s not that difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you later, and the other will see you in a while.” The reporter (a young dude) had never heard that bad joke before, so he was quite amused, and once again, I made the front page. (The paper has an impressive circulation, which is more than I can say for its elderly readers!)

Before I forget, the winner of last week’s trivia contest was…. Cormac McCarthy from West Texas. Mr. McCarthy correctly identified the photo as Shell Beach, on the magnificent island of St. Barts. I spent a lovely day on this beach, but was asked to leave after a minor misunderstanding. (How did I know she was a minor?) Just kidding. Here’s what really happened… Shell Beach is a nude beach and very French. Some young lady was walking along the surf with an owl on each shoulder. I told her that she had nice hooters. (and the rest, as they say, is history!)

To show that there are no hard feelings, I will offer another autographed book to the first loyal blog follower that can correctly identify the location of the attached photograph. (no cheating, whatever that means.)

Well, it’s time to check my scuba equipment for tomorrow’s big dive, so I will say farewell until we meet again. (I’m cleaning my mom’s pool in the morning.) You folks take care and have a fantastic week…. By the way, do you know that I almost gave up diving? (too much pressure!) Love to all,

Doc Yanoff.

P.S. The trivia contest photo is attached! Good luck!

February 21, 2016

GO EAST, YOUNG MAN!

Horace Greeley actually advised a western direction, but If I headed west, I would not be able to pick up my Gold Medal, recently awarded by the Florida Book Festival. Hard to believe, but my history tome, THE SECOND MOURNING, won the award for “Best History Book of the Year.” Due to my recent Caribbean cruise, book tour, and daily rum intoxication, I missed the awards ceremony, but… all is not lost! Now I get to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak, and receive my medal and a wheelbarrow full of cash. (All right, maybe it’s a bucket full of cash.)

The ceremony was held during my stay on Antigua, so I had to miss the festivities. However, I can’t complain about being marooned on such a lovely Caribbean island. Nevertheless, one must wonder… Do bakers get “macarooned?” Boy, that would be sweet. (pun intended)

Lest you think me vain, I have two other reasons for heading back to the Sunshine State… First, and most important, I shall be attending a gala birthday party for my beautiful mother, who is turning 90 in March. Since I am her favorite, (surprise, surprise) I will be giving her a VERY generous gift… two copies (autographed) of THE SECOND MOURNING. I usually give my mom a 10% discount, but this time the books will be free. (Is it any wonder that I’m her favorite?)

In addition to our surprise party, I will also be visiting the Haitian Emanuel Baptist Church, where I am slated to receive a “certificate of appreciation” for donating several cases of my mystery novels. This thoughtful award means a lot to me. Both of my mother’s caregivers are originally from Haiti, and like most nurses, they are true angels. In my humble opinion, every nurse is an angel, which is why most hospitals have “two wings!”

In case you’re wondering, the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled A RUN FOR THE MONEY, will be published in May or June, depending upon several factors. (If I can avoid incarceration in Fort Lauderdale.) Keep in mind that I will be in Florida during Spring Break, so there are no guarantees. (Last year I got into a little jam while judging the wet T-shirt contest. Who knew you weren’t supposed to take photographs?)

Incidentally, I just started a new book about sexual horseplay. I’m not sure of the title, but I think I’m going with “50 SHADES OF HAY.” I don’t want to give away the plot, but my characters try to “rein in their feelings” while dealing with “unbridled passion” for each other. Look, I know these jokes are lousy, but there aren’t many good horse jokes, so don’t “nag me.” (Yikes, that one was really bad!)

Hey, before I forget, congratulations to Miss Laura and her family. (Joyous residents of Oklahoma.) They recently received (via UPS) a brand new baby boy named Liam! Back here in Texas, we are all delighted and thrilled, and we send our very best to all of you Sooners. (and we hope to see you “sooner” than later!)

I wonder if it’s too early to send Liam a blog invitation? Maybe I should wait until the lad is eating solid food. (Then again, my jokes might make him nauseous!)

In closing, I shall leave you with immortal words of Dorothy Parker, the wise-cracking babe who invented Parker House Rolls. (or not) When asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence, she replied, “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

Amen.

Well, my friends, be well and be safe. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. If you are the first person to correctly identify the location of the attached photograph (s) you will win an autographed copy of my new book! Good luck!

January 10, 2016

THE LONDON BOOK FESTIVAL!

Tally ho, old chaps, we’re off to see the Queen! (If I can find a reasonably priced airline ticket.) I’ve reserved a suite in Downton Abbey just in case. Well, it’s not actually a suite, but there’s plenty of hay in the room. I have no problem with that. I’ve always been a “stable guy.” Hay, that was a pretty good joke! You’re probably wondering what I’m babbling about, right?

Well, my darlings, the winners of the 2015 LONDON BOOK FESTIVAL were just posted online….. and guess who won another award? No, not Stephen King. Me! I know, I know, I’m simply in a class of my own. (That actually started in third grade.) Anyway, here are the juicy details…..

THE SECOND MOURNING was awarded the Bronze Medal for “Outstanding History Book of the Year” at the London festival last week. First place went to a book about Galileo, the Italian astronaut. (Make that, astronomer.) Second place was given to a book about Leonardo da Vinci, the Italian guy who invented some sort of code. Recognize a trend here? I tried to convince the judges that President James Garfield was Sicilian, but they wouldn’t buy it. Actually, since this festival was international in scope, I’m surprised I won anything. I’m also VERY grateful.

My next book will be about “procrastination,” but I haven’t started it yet.

Incidentally, anybody know what language they speak in England? I’d like to learn a few phrases. (Mainly about using the privy.)

Speaking of foreign languages….. The 2015 Annual Blog Reports were recently sent out, and we did quite well. (Top 5% of all blogs in the nation!) Most of our readers come from 72 different countries around the globe. The top 3 countries this past year were: 1. United States 2. Brazil 3. Italy Surprisingly, we gained several followers in Iraq. (This last time I went to Iraq, Iran!) We also gained some new followers in Togo, Burundi, and Eritrea. (I’m not positive, but I think that folks who live in Eritrea are called “Irretrievables.”)

Hey, did you see that there is a new company in Austin, Texas, that is offering customers a chance to reduce their hotel bills if they’re willing to share a room with a stranger? (The company is called Jose Cuervo!)

Finally, for those of you who might find yourselves in the Caribbean in January and/or February, the first two book tour stops have been finalized by my brilliant and semi-conscious publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz. First stop will be at La Maison de la Press on St. Martin. Second stop will be at Best of Books on the lovely island of Antigua. Other stops to follow. Time and dates t/b/a.

I was just listening to Ted Cruz on one of the television shows. He adamantly denied having a Canadian passport, but swore he would get one if Trump won the nomination. Hmmm. Poor Bernie Sanders. He keeps trying to take a “selfie” with his supporters, but he can’t figure out how to use his rotary phone. Hmmm.

Well, I must depart at this juncture, as I need to check out the Austin-London flight connections. I doubt I will actually go abroad, as I am pressed for time, and short of cash after the holidays. If you folks have any extra money that you don’t need, please mail it to me in a brown envelope, and if you would, address it to the “Starving Authors Literary Slush Fund.” Please remember….. it is better to give than receive.

I do hope you enjoyed today’s blog. If so, it just proves that there is no accounting for taste. Hey, who said that? I think it was Jeffrey Dahmer. Maybe Hannibal Lecter. Hmmm. (NOT to be confused with mmmm!) Would somebody “flesh” that out for me? Thank you.

Have a safe and happy week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 20, 2015

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN!

Great movie, but that’s not what today’s blog post is referring to… no siree, Bob!

Who the heck is Bob? Never mind. Back to the headline… Believe it or not, my humble historical manuscript, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just won its 7th book award of the year! Yes siree, Bob, it’s true! (This guy Bob is starting to get on my nerves.) Anyway, here’s the Press Release that went out yesterday…..

(Associated Press, December 19, 2015)

“Margaret Brown, National Book Critics Circle Lifetime Member, has announced the six FINALISTS of the 2015 Shelf Unbound Writing Competition. Stephen G. Yanoff, author of THE SECOND MOURNING, has been chosen as one of the finalists from an entrant list of over 2,000 writers, many of them established professional authors. Yanoff’s highly acclaimed book has now won 7 major literary awards, making history in the publishing world.”

I won’t bore you with the entire press release, but if you would like to read a full length article about me and the book, simply go to: Shelf Unbound Literary Magazine. (December/January 2015 Issue) You will find a flattering article (no, I didn’t write it!) by going to: http://www.shelfmediagroup.com

So, what else is new? Well, last night was the gala event of the year down here in lovely Austin… The Third Annual Festivus For-the-best-of-us Dinner, hosted by the wonderful and generous Barbara and Max Talbott. Once again, the affair was held at the historic Austin Club, which began life in 1878 as the Millet Opera House. Do you folks know that I used to sing professionally? Well, they asked me to sing solo. (so low that nobody could hear me!) Others thought I should sing tenor. (ten or twelve miles down the road!) Anyways it was another great evening, complete with champagne, wine, wonderful food, and great company. (I am blowing a big kiss to the “Terrific Talbotts!”)

Poor Mother Teresa. Did you see what the Pope wants to do to her? He wants to shoot her out of a cannon! No joke, they intend to canonize the poor woman. I heard the Pope say that she was a great gal, but no saint. Well, that’s about to change. I assume you folks know that Mother Teresa cared for the leopards of Calcutta? I knew there were tigers in India, but leopards, too? I have a great deal of respect for Mother Teresa, but I think my wife should have been chosen. (A lot of people have told me that my wife MUST be a saint!)

In case you’re planning on burglarizing my house, I would like to confirm that my next book tour will be in the sunny Caribbean, and I will be gone for 3 weeks. (If you do decide to break in, please feed the pit bulls. But NOT the alligators.) My semi-honest publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, has booked a lovely suite for me on one of the Oceania Cruise Ships. I will be sending daily updates on my pending incarceration, so stay tuned. (I may need you to send bail money.)

Well, lest I run off and forget, allow me to wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Thanks to you, I have had a marvelous year in the wonderful world of books, and I am most appreciative. If I could, I would hug each and every one of my 23,000 blog followers! Seriously, you folks are the best! God bless each and every one of you, and we shall chat again in the New Year! Until then, be safe and be happy…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

December 6, 2015

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE…..

Let’s face it, laughter is also the only medicine that is still affordable! I just had my annual “wellness exam,” and well, it made me sick! (The cost was quite high, but my Uncle Sam paid most of it.) Getting older has its benefits, even if your “benefits”only cover 80% of your bills! I guess I shouldn’t complain. Some parts of the exam were very reasonably priced. My doctor, Shakey Shlomowitz, only charges $19.95 for a full colonoscopy. (The procedure is done at our local Jiffy-Lube, but they have good donuts in the waiting room.) Ever hear the term “cold hands warm heart?” Never mind. Let’s move on.

The good doctor told me that I have the body of a much younger man. (Who was King Tutankhamun?) I’m not sure, but I think he was the Egyptian fellow who invented the Pyramid Scheme. (That joke “sphinx!”) Where was I? Oh yeah, my medical results… Everything (except my I.Q.) was normal or getting there. If I can avoid strenuous work (i.e., taking out the garbage) I can look forward to a long and fruitful life. (Unless I slip on a banana peel.)

So what else is new? Well, I had a most enjoyable trip to Port O’Connor last week, even though I did not go fishing. (Although I did cast a wide net in the literary world.) I first went to Port O (as we locals call it) back in the late 1970s, and I have always enjoyed my visits. (Especially when I catch some redfish or speckled trout!) My favorite restaurant, Josie’s Mexican Food, is still in business, and still serves the best greasy enchiladas on the coast. If you’re not “into” fishing, you can rent a kayak from Dolphin Kayak and paddle along the coast for hours. (Or in my case, for several minutes.) If fried food entices you, try the shrimp at Cathy’s Restaurant, but don’t tell her that I sent you. (Who knew you were supposed to leave a tip?)

By the way, I only brought one case of books to Port O, but we sold every one of them! (and gave several books as gifts) The attendees seemed to crave mystery novels, so I brought down autographed copies of DEVIL’S COVE and RANSOM ON THE RHONE. If you find yourself on the Texas coast, make sure you leave time to visit the Matagorda Island National Wildlife Refuge. The place is simply magnificent.

Speaking of magnificent, I had a marvelous time at the Steiner Ranch Annual Poker & Barbecue Invitational Poker Tournament. (known in the poker world as the S.R.A.P.B.I.P.T.) I would like to thank our hosts, Rich and Sharon Walker, and the (semi) Honorable Kevin Evans, and the lovely Miss Pat Little for providing food, drink, and lousy cards! In all seriousness, it was a fun evening, and we are all grateful for the efforts of so many nice people. (Now, if I could only do something about those dang cards….. )

Incidentally, several of my loyal blog followers have inquired about the status of my next “Adam Gold Mystery.” Fret not, as guitar players like to say, everything is coming along nicely. The book (“A RUN FOR THE MONEY”) is being re-edited, typed, and blocked as we speak. The cover will be addressed next week, so if you have any suggestions, please send them along. (With a cash payment of $25 to cover my recent medical bills.)

Finally, I would like to remind you that there are 19 days left until Christmas, so you still have plenty of time to get your favorite author a little gift. (I will post all of my sizes, except my waist size, on a future blog.) Also, tonight at sundown, is the first night of Hanukkah, so allow me to wish all of my Jewish buddies a healthy and joyous week. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but one of my uncles actually thought that he was a matzo ball! (Doc Shakey told him not to worry. The feeling would “pass over!”) Oy vey, what an ending!

Have a safe and prosperous week….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

November 22, 2015

GETTING TO KNOW YOU …..

Getting to know all about you… Remember those lyrics? A wonderful song from “The King and I.” (Which I thought was a musical about Elvis Presley!) It was written by the team of Rogers and Hammerstein. Who knew that Roy Rogers was so talented? In any case, the good folks who inhabit the Leeward Islands will soon know me a lot better because I’m returning for another book tour/rum festival! (The Leeward Islands are in the southern Caribbean, very close to the Backward Islands, but with a much smarter populace.)

Thanks to my recently-paroled publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, and the world’s best travel agent, Miss Lori “Let’s Rock” Randig, I shall be making landfall sometime in January, 2016. I can’t wait to hit the beach, put the lime in de cocoanut, and swish it all around! (One must be careful about too much swishing on the beach.)

The purpose of my highly-anticipated voyage is to lay the groundwork for a future appearance at several Caribbean book festivals. I would like to set up a book table at the Antigua & Barbuda Literary Festival, the St. Lucia Lit Fest, and the Virgin Islands Book Fair on St. Croix. These festivals attract thousands of visitors each year, and you can’t beat the atmosphere. Lots of friendly faces and adoring fans, and superb beaches, too. (I call it “Literature with a splash of lime!”)

This year’s itinerary will also include stops in San Juan, St. Bart’s, and St. Maarten. I intend to pack plenty of books, plus a generous supply of sunscreen and Alka-Seltzer!

Speaking of delightful stops, I’d like to thank Judge Susan for dropping off a box of cheese pockets from Stein’s Bakery in Dallas. (Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!) Which reminds me, if you cut a petit fours in half, does it become a petit two? Just asking.

Hey, since I mentioned Dallas, did you read about the American Airlines flight that was grounded by a hive of bees in one of the engines? (No joke.) If you didn’t, would you like to hear the latest “buzz?” (Bad joke.) The bees were very well groomed. They all had “combs.” (Worse joke.) To keep them calm, the ground crew played music by….. Sting! (Worst one yet!) Un-bee-lievable story, right?

By the way, I didn’t win the National Book Award, but believe it or not, I am about to be named in a paternity suit, I mean, another book contest! I am not permitted to discuss the details until the winners have been officially announced, but I am a FINALIST, so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

Well, before I go, I would like to share a fascinating factoid. Did you know that a whitetail deer can jump higher than the average house? True fact. This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. (Write that down. You’ll thank me when you get on a game show!)

Auf wiedersehen and wiener-schnitzel until we meet again. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. Where perchance do you think this photo was taken?

November 8, 2015

AND THE WINNER IS …..

Blog followers of the universe, you’d better sit down… I’ve got some wonderful news to share with you today… Believe it or not, my nonfiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has won another book award! I am proud to announce that my book has won Second Place in the SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA BOOK FESTIVAL, which described my humble tale as “one of the very best nonfiction books of 2015.” The official awards ceremony will be held in Los Angeles on Saturday, November 21, and I have been asked to say a few words to the audience! (Imagine me saying a “few” words to anyone?) I don’t know if I’m going to the ceremony or not. I was hoping for some sort of statue or bust to be erected!

In any case, I have been invited to sit at the “Table of Honor,” and I want to sincerely thank all of my blog followers for making this possible. While you didn’t get to vote, your support and encouragement was vital, and I truly adore each and every one of my 24,000 followers. If I could, I’ve give each one of you a big hug!

And speaking of big hugs, I’d like to thank a couple of book clubs for inviting me to speak about THE SECOND MOURNING and one of my mystery novels, DEVIL’S COVE. How do I love thee? (Elizabeth Barrett Browning might ask) Well, I love thee a great deal, and I appreciate your invitations! Last Monday, I had the pleasure of entertaining the famous “Royalty of Round Rock” Book Club, and it was truly an evening to remember. The gala event was hosted by the gorgeous and gracious Ann Dodson and her equally ravishing sidekick, Sally Hooper. (Talk about a dynamic duo!) My “booking agent” was none other than Helena Bomblatus, a/k/a The Princess of Portugal.

Since we were discussing THE SECOND MOURNING, the Round Rock ladies decided to dress in black, as if they too were in mourning! (I also spotted a few black veils and several handkerchiefs!) The menu du jour (in honor of President Garfield’s Ohio roots) included a delicious concoction called “Cincinnati chili.” The food, wine, and company were simply outstanding, and I am most grateful to all who participated in this memorable event. (Even to those who remained fully dressed during my oration.)

A few days earlier, I had the pleasure of chatting with a prominent book club in River Place. This stellar event was hosted by the lovely and talented Susy McIntyre, who certainly knows how to throw a good party. Once again, the dinner and drinks were superb, and even though my voice was allergy-affected, we all had a marvelous evening. I would also like to thank Sally Banta for extending the initial invitation, and Karee Barker for asking so many wise and wonderful questions. Thank you, ladies. (I will return the silverware after the holidays.)

On a humorous note, I see that the Austin Police busted up a meth lab that was operating in a dairy barn. (There are no “sacred cows” in Texas!) When I read the story, I immediately went into “pun overdrive.” For instance….. When the police broke down the barn door, did they yell “Nobody Moo!?” Did the criminals complain that this was “udder nonsense?” Was this the worse thing that “cud” happen? (How many cow jokes does this guy have?) All right, let’s put this routine “out to pasture.”

So, in lieu of “milking” this routine any further, allow me to bid you all a fond farewell. I hope you have a safe and prosperous week, and we shall meet again in the very near future. Until then, happy trails to you….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

***P.S. Attached you will find some photographs from the Round Rock Book Club Love & Literature Festival. (I apologize for any nudity I may have missed!)

Books By Stephen G. Yanoff

Ransom on the Rhone

RENDER UNTO CAESAR…..

DELIRIOUS AND MYSTERIOUS!

HAPPY (BELATED) ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

PUT THE MEDAL TO THE PEDAL!

GO EAST, YOUNG MAN!

THE LONDON BOOK FESTIVAL!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN!

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE…..

GETTING TO KNOW YOU …..

AND THE WINNER IS …..