GOOD MORNING, GANG! (AGAIN)
I ALMOST FORGOT TO SHOW YOU THE NEW BOOK COVER THAT WAS DESIGNED FOR “THE SECOND MOURNING.”
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT….. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!
Month: April 2014
“THE SECOND MOURNING” ARRIVES!!
WELL, IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT MY “BABY” WAS FINALLY “DELIVERED” TO THE PRINTER LAST FRIDAY! What a sweet bundle of joy. Looks just like his father. 500 pages of parental pride, now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and a huge number of bookstores throughout the free world. (And several counties in Arkansas.) Yep, my first non-fiction masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING, can now be purchased by the general public! Please, hold your applause. On second thought, I think I deserve a standing ovulation. Hey, I just “gave birth” to new creation. (The heck with a simple ovation!) After delivering 500 + pages I’m just glad I didn’t deliver twins. (A two-volume set.)
Truthfully, the process was invigorating, but somewhat stressful. (i.e., Try to imagine 731 endnotes!) Nevertheless, my incredible discoveries are fully documented. Personally, I don’t know why I needed so many references. I just figured out that I’m right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%? Not me. After I finished the book, I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic in Austin. (I wouldn’t to “turn myself around.”) While I was recuperating I had some very profound thoughts….. For instance….. Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!
Don’t fret about your weight, either. I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that….. After all, 7lbs. 6oz. is just not realistic. Thus, I have formally given up exercise! That’s right, no more exercise for this author! Look, if walking was good for you, the postman would be immortal. Right? Heck, whales swim all day, mainly eat fish, and drink just water….. and they’re all fat! Nothing but blubber! Just remember, my healthy blog followers, a rabbit runs and hops all day long, but only lives 15 years. (A tortoise, on the other hand, moves very slowly and lives 450 years!) Do the math, my friends!
I once saw a tortoise at a Shell Station, but that’s another story. Speaking of other stories, Mrs. Emily Martin won last week’s trivia contest. (German immigrants introduced the Easter Bunny and also brought over….. pretzels!) Would you like another question? Fine. Tell me the make of pistol that Charles Guiteau used to shoot President Garfield. (Dr. Max Talbott, my weapons consultant, is NOT eligible to enter this contest!) One answer per follower, please.
ONE SMALL FAVOR TO ASK….. If you purchase a copy of THE SECOND MOURNING would you please be kind enough to leave a nice review of the book on Amazon.com? Favorable reviews translate into advertising dollars from the publisher, so you would be doing me a HUGE favor. Thank you very, very much.
Well, I must run… tonight we are attending a special dinner, hosted by the amazingly talented chef, Mrs. Pat Cutrone. (The “Legend of Lakeway.”) I’m hoping to read the first 30 chapters of my new book (aloud) but the other guests might have a problem digesting their dinner! (Which is why I always travel with a case of books and a case of Alka-Seltzer!) Have yourself a safe and pleasant week, and we shall meet again next Sunday! Love to all…
Doc Yanoff
SPRING HAS SPRUNG!
THE GRASS HAS RIZ! I WONDER WHERE MY TAX REFUND IS? (I won’t hold my breath!) Well, in any case, let me start by wishing my faithful blog followers a very Happy Easter and a very Happy Passover. I do hope you were able to spend the holiday with your loved ones, or folks that didn’t eat too much. We celebrated by hosting the 62nd Annual Cajun Birthday Festival for Lee Bomblatus, the gentleman who single-handedly made Dell Computers a mega-corporation. (Lee used to “screen” perspective employees.) The wife (Princess Patty) made a huge caldron of her famous Swamp Thing Gumbo, and my goodness, did we eat well! I am happy to report that only two utensils were “accidentally” taken by our guests, and that there was only one arrest. Around here, that is what passes for a good night!
So last Friday I had my semi-annual head-to-toe health exam, and as usual, it provided a lot of new comedy material. My nurse was a charming woman from Trinidad (Trini was her dad’s name) and her “medical notes” were hilarious. Here are a few of her actual observations…..
1. “The patient has two female children, but no other abnormalities.” (Actually those two are enough!)
2. “Examination of the patient’s groin area reveals that he is circus sized.” (No comment.)
3. “The lab test indicated normal lover function.” (Whatever that is!)
You know, at my age, my “train of thought” often leaves the station without me, but I must say, I could be a very rich man if they would let me hang around the doctor’s office for a while and take some more notes! Speaking of doctors and such….. the answer to last week’s trivia question (what famous ‘medical person’ ran out to help President Garfield after he was shot) is….. Clara Barton! (The founder of the American Red Cross.) Nobody got the right answer….. so here’s another question:
Which ethnic group introduced America to the “Easter Bunny?” (Hint: They were not from Easter Island.) These immigrants, who came over in the 1700s, had a custom of giving out brightly colored eggs in the spring….. and when you read my upcoming book, THE SECOND MOURNING, you will learn that they also introduced an unusual treat to Pennsylvania and the Ohio Wilderness….. a twisted dough concoction sprinkled with salt. First correct answer wins a free copy of my new book.
I was driving by a herd of cattle the other day, and I could swear that the cows looked familiar. Would this be an example of deja moo? No bull, this really happened. Maybe I shouldn’t try to milk this routine any further, eh?
Did you folks catch a glimpse of last week’s solar eclair? I know a great deal about astrology, so for me it was a real eye-opener. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real Renaissance man. (I actually prefer Hampton Inn, but that’s an inside joke.) Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now. Time to finish off the remaining gumbo. Ya Ya, baby!
Have a safe and wonderful week and don’t forget to spray the Lysol early and often!
Love to all…..
Doc Yanoff
MOONDAY IS TUESDAY!
YES, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CONFUSING….. However, on Tuesday, April 15th, the moon will become blood red! How can this be? Are the Russians invading? Are we facing another Ukraine? No, my friends, this is all part of the upcoming lunar eclipse. Sounds nutty to me. I’ve heard of a moon beam, Jack Beam, and beam me up, Scotty, but a pink moon beam? This I have to see. By the way, in case you’re interested, some enterprising Aggie (a student at Texas A & M University) is selling tickets to the viewing. Unlimited viewing for only $25.00! Now is that “out of this world” or what? Hey, if you brought a watch to the moon, would you be a “lunar-tick?” Hmmm.
Tuesday’s lunar event means a great deal to me, because as some of you know, when I was in college I was studying to become an astronaut. Well, I was actually taking up space. In any case, I know a great deal about heavenly bodies. (I dated a lot.) The eclipse will peak at 3 a.m. (eastern time) and will mark the beginning of lunar festival, which will feature 4 consecutive total eclipses happening at about six month intervals!
Let’s come back down to earth for a moment, shall we? Question: What is 500 pages long, has 731 endnotes, an incredible plot, brilliant cover, and will soon (around May 1st) be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, and Nook? If you said THE SECOND MOURNING (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder) you are right! The book is now in its final stage of production, and since I was forced to read the darn thing, I can assure you that you are going to love this one.
Speaking of historical events….. last week’s trivia contest was won (thirty seconds after I posted the image!) by….. Ms. Karen Anne Smith of Lopez Island, Washington. OMG, do I have some brilliant blog followers. Within minutes, the correct answer (Hiram College or Hiram Eclectic Institute) was given by Randall Holahan, Larry Wood, and Leigh Ann Woodward! Three certified geniuses! Well done, folks.
Here’s today’s trivia question: What historical “medical person” offered to help President Garfield after he was shot? (Hint: The person was a “she.”) Unfortunately, she wasn’t allowed into the White House, but she did make an effort to help. First prize will be an autographed copy of THE SECOND MOURNING. Good luck!
A friendly reminder: Tuesday, April 15th, is also the day that you must be concerned about dollars and taxes. (I once went to Dallas, Texas, which is similar, but different.) I still don’t understand why they call it a “tax return,” when all we do is send them money and seldom get anything in return. Nonetheless, be a good citizen and send in your returns in a timely and painful fashion. Does anybody know if you are required to file a return EVERY year? Just curious. My account (Jesse James Lipschitz) isn’t sure about that part of the law.
So get this….. my wife went to “Red Box” and got a movie that she thought was about our marriage! (12 Years A Slave.) Turns out, it had almost nothing to do with marital bliss. I enjoyed the movie, and have now re-thought my position on slavery. I wanted to watch “Gravity,” but my bride “wasn’t down with that!” (Are these jokes “reel bad?”)
Well, it’s time for breakfast (noon) so I must run. Enjoy your day and don’t forget to watch the night sky! Have a safe and wonderful week! Love to all…..
Doc Yanoff
FAST AND FURIOUS!
NO, I WILL NOT BE DISCUSSING MY HONEYMOON NIGHT AGAIN! (Besides, as I explained to the wife, I had jet lag.) Nor will I be discussing illegal gun shipments to Mexico. Actually, I’m referring to my writing revisions, which have been fast and furious in order hit my publishing deadline for THE SECOND MOURNING. Man, this editing thing is for the birds. No rest for the wicked, I mean, the weary. I don’t even have time to take a nap! Which reminds me….. If a person refuses to take a nap, could they be locked up for….. “resisting a rest?” Hmmmm.
Well, what else is new? (Wait, don’t tell me!) I am pleased to announce that I received notification that DEVIL’S COVE (Adam Gold mystery number three) was recently nominated to receive the 2014 Raymond Chandler Writing Award! However, I wouldn’t get my hopes up. (Elmore Leonard is also in the running!) Still, all of these little awards add up, and I am thrilled to be among such wonderful writers. In other words, I have little chance of winning, but my writing resume keeps growing. Nothing wrong with that.
On the subject of honors….. The Mighty Cobra (my poker identity) was well on his way to another final table when he tangled with Rich “Big Win” Walker last Thursday evening. Incredibly, my pair of sevens held up against his Ace/King! However, the poker gods do have a wicked sense of humor, so a few hands later my two aces in the hole got busted by a lousy set of fives! Life ain’t fair!
Did you folks hear that President Obama asked the Pope to make him a saint because of Obamacare? The Pope said he would consider the request, since it was going to take a miracle to make the program work! All I can say is Bingo!
I have attached another photograph to this blog, so if you are the first person to tell me where this lady went to college, you will win a $100 gift card! Good luck, and no cheating! (If you were willing to split the prize with me, I might give you the answer!)
Speaking of great prizes….. I would like to share some bizarre history with you folks. As you might know, my next book (The Second Mourning) deals with the assassination of President Garfield. Well, try this on for size….. Did you know that Lincoln was shot at the theatre named “Ford?” Kennedy was shot in a car called “Lincoln,” which was made by….. Ford! (Get this: Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln!) Ah, the mystery of history!!
Well, my dear family and friends, that’s about it for this week. Please tune in next Sunday for another thrilling post, and until we meet again, please have a safe and happy week. Love to all,
Doc Yanoff
P.S. This Sunday’s blog is dedicated to “Miss Mollie,” a very special dog who brought fifteen years of happiness to a dear friend. R.I.P., little princess.
And now for your photograph…..
Books By Stephen G. Yanoff 