The Second Mourning

October 20, 2013

DISCOVERY DAY, 2013!

NO, I DIDN’T FIND ANOTHER GRAY HAIR…..  October 12th was actually “Discovery Day” in the Bahamas.  (The site of my second mystery, THE PIRATE PATH.)  In the U.S., we celebrate this day as “Columbus Day.”  Did you know that Colorado was the first state to officially honor the great explorer?  (1906)  Back then, they gave out free beer, which might have led to the phrase “Rocky Mountain High.”  (Hey, anything’s possible.)

Columbus Day became a federal holiday in 1937, giving federal workers ANOTHER day off.  (Personally, I wouldn’t grant a day off unless you were of Italian heritage and you discovered a New World.)  But that’s just me.  In any case, here’s a little trivia question for you…..  Name the four states that DO NOT recognize Columbus Day.  No cheating!  (Answer:   Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, and South Dakota)  People in those states have poor vision, so they don’t recognize a lot of things.  (The rest of the country is more “farsighted.”)

Last Wednesday, October 16th, was National Boss’s Day.  (In my house it’s called “Wife Day.”)  Oddly enough, this holiday is celebrated in the United States, Canada, and Lithuania.  (No joking)  Don’t ask me how Lithuania got involved.  They were probably trying to outdo Latvia and Estonia.

Speaking of celebrations…..  Our blog site has now reached a very special plateau… we have (slightly) over 6,000 followers!  Wow, what a wonderful accomplishment!  Thank you!   By the way, what do you folks think about the new book covers for THE GRACELAND GANG and THE PIRATE PATH?  I would love to hear your opinions, so don’t be shy!  Both covers were originally conceived by Mrs. Rachel Zell, a beautiful and talented artist who lives here in Austin.  Keep up the good work, Rachel.  (Conceiving is a wonderful thing!)

While we are on the subject of conceiving….. I would like to acknowledge a few of my younger blog followers.  (babies!)  Uncle Steve sends his best to Stella, Brooklyn, and Evan.  Make sure you stay dry and finish your mashed bananas.

Hey, did you hear that Native-Americans want to change the name of the Washington Redskins?  No joking.  They’re embarrassed to be associated with the city of Washington!  (I have certain “reservations” myself.)

Those of you that live or work in Austin, Texas, should keep your eyes on our award-winning newspaper next week.  A reporter will be coming up to my house on Wednesday for a feature-length interview.  I will be discussing my first two books (see above) and my last display of literary brilliance, DEVIL’S COVE.  She (the reporter) is bringing along a photographer, which means that I will have to groom myself.   Achieving fame and fortune is never easy!

By the way, last night we attended the Austin Music Festival, sponsored by Central Market.  Our group managed to wine and dine is splendid fashion, and most importantly, nobody got arrested.  I would like to thank the store management for featuring flyers of my books at the checkout counters.  Any publicity is good publicity  when you’re trying to sell books.

Finally, I would once again like to say thank you to the doctors and nurses at the Boca Raton Regional Hospital.  You took great care of my mother last week and I will never forget your competency and kindness.  What a great bunch of people…..  God bless you all!   (Mom is now in rehab, training for the 2014 Senior Olympics!)

Well, dear ones, have a great week, drive carefully, and keep those cards and letters coming.  God willing, I will have a special announcement for you next Sunday!  Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

September 22, 2013

DOOM WITHOUT GLOOM!

CHEER UP, MY FELLOW AMERICANS…..  I just received word that my Sunday blog will continue to receive funding even if our government shuts down on October 1st!    Nice to see that someone in Washington, D.C. has their priorities straight.  I understand they are taking some money from Homeland Security and putting into Homeland Humor.  Smart move.  Now I can continue producing sub-standard humor for the masses.  Hey, if a joke can’t stand on its own two feet, would that be considered a “lame joke?”  Hmmm.

Boy, some people are sooooo immature.  I’ve been trying to convince my family and friends that a semi-famous author like me needs a concubine.  (which is TOTALLY different than a porcupine.)  They think I’m being silly.  (Me, silly?)  If I had a concubine I would go from being an aspiring author to a perspiring one, and after all, isn’t that the goal of fame?  Look what hyper-sexuality did for Miley You-Can’t-Be-Serious, or Cyrus, or whatever her name might be.  (Meow.)

In case you’re wondering, my shoulder injury is behind me.  (Then again, both shoulders are behind me.)  I have been fully healed thanks to the magical touch of Will Ravenel, the world’s greatest rolfing therapist….. and a darn good magician, too!  Between coin tricks, Will works wonders with woefully worrisome and weary women and men who are willing to wander into his winsomely wonderful world.  (I dare you to say that ten times fast!)

Some of my fans are wondering if I am still planning to coat the back cover of my latest book (THE GRACELAND GANG) with Elmer’s Glue.  I’m not sure.  I’ve always wanted to write a book that people can’t put down.

Speaking of “put downs,” if those knuckleheads in Washington can’t reach an agreement, I will have to cancel my upcoming book tour to the Capitol.  My publisher was planning to hold a modest book release party on the steps of the Library of Congress, but if the government shuts down, the library closes.  Just between you and me, I sometimes wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Personally, I’m starting to dislike politics, even though I was named after George Washington, the father of our country.  (He was named in 1732, and I was named after that.)  I’m fed up with all of the bickering, yelling, threats, and accusations.  But enough about that concubine, let’s conclude on a happier note!

Did you know that the average person takes 17,280 breaths per day?  Well, now you do, so don’t forget to brush your teeth and gargle.  You need fresh breath to “scope” out the opposite sex.  Trust me, I’ve “brushed up” on this subject.  Feel free to cut and “paste” this paragraph.  All right, I’m running out of bad puns, so it’s time to leave…..  Have a great week and travel safely!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

January 13, 2013

THE KING OF CLUBS! (BOOK CLUBS)

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT POKER AGAIN!   AU CONTRAIRE!   (Although there remains some doubt as to whether I am “playing with a full deck!”)

I am happy to report that this week was “Book Club Week” here at the Ponderosa Ranch.  On Monday I had the pleasure of driving down to lovely La Grange, Texas, a charming village approximately 65 miles southeast of Austin.  Whence I arrived, I was warmly welcomed at the Texas Czech Heritage and Cultural Center.  (There were no “bad Czechs” present!)  After a rather brilliant oration, I moseyed on over to Weikel’s Bakery (for a homemade kolache) and then stopped briefly at Prause Meat Market (to sample the smoldering pits!) and pump out my stomach.  I was fortunate to meet the mayor of the town, and during our conversation, I suggested a “town motto.”  (I.E., “Keep Austin Weird”)   Every town has one, I said to his honor.  So….. I suggested this little doosey…..   “The Range near La Grange ain’t too Strange!”     (I’ve been waiting for my first royalty check from the city fathers, and just to be nice, I offered to accept payment in kolaches.)

AND NOW FOR A SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK……    On Tuesday I had one of the very best deep tissue massages of my life!  (Courtesy of Ms. Rebecca Lee, my jet setter daughter who is off to Hawaii and Japan on Tuesday)  If you live in Austin, you must contact the one and only Melinda Perez  (melindaperez.lmt@gmail.com) and you will not be disappointed!  The young lady is simply divine!  (I should know, because I have been touched by many women (the price of fame) and because when I was a lad, I wanted to be a massage therapist!)  However, they told me that I “rubbed people the wrong way,” so I did not purse my rubbing license.  Ah well, Melinda is much better.

FAST FORWARD TO THURSDAY!  (Evening)   Another stellar (actually, cellar) performance….. this time at the most famous and influential book club in LAKEWAY!   Due to popular demand (and a slow week) my agent, Black Bart Berkowitz, was able to “book me” at the Lakeway mansion of Mrs. Jaime Rubenstein, the leading Grand Dame of Literature in the Central Texas area.  My goodness, what a treat!  The dear woman served a formal sit-down dinner (with chairs!) in her beautiful dining room, complete with high quality wines (with corks!) superb place settings (with forks!) and a meal fit for….. a KING!  (Obviously a reference to the book we discussed…..  THE PRESLEY PLOT.)    It was not easy being surrounded by good food and wine, and a roomful of women hanging on my every word, but I managed to maintain my composure, keep most of my clothes on, and deliver another sterling performance.  (the forks were sterling, too.)   I wish to thank Madame Rubenstein for arranging this wonderful event.  A fine time was had by all!

SPEAKING OF FINE TIMES……   Happy Birthday Wishes to Jill Crocker and Carol Yondola Finkelstein, two lovely ladies who are celebrating their 39th birthday this week!  (Did I get the age thing right, ladies?)

AND SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS……   Last Tuesday was ELVIS PRESLEY’S birthday.  If the King had lived, do you know how old he would be?  (Better sit down for this one)   Incredibly, Elvis would be 78 years old!   Yikes, how time flies when you’re having fun!

AND SPEAKING OF FUN…..  The famous art department at Aberdeen Bay Publishers came up with a “knock-out” book cover for my second mystery novel, titled, MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE.  I simply loved the initial design, and was blown away by how it caught the eye.  (No hints!)  However, I can tell you that the cover is very mysterious (duh) and very unusual in a good sense.  If I am permitted to do so, I will post a “rough draft” of the cover on a future blog.

Finally, since several of my brilliant blog followers have inquired about upcoming projects, let me share some news with thee…..   The third “Adam Gold” mystery (DEVIL’S COVE) is being professionally edited as we speak, and it should be at the typist some time around March 15th, 2013.   The fourth book in the series, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, is being written at a slightly slower pace, not because of “writer’s block,” but because I am busy putting the finishing touches on my first NON-FICTION book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  (THE UNTOLD STORY OF AMERICA’S MOST BIZZARE POLITICAL MURDER)     God willing, the non-fiction book will be published some time during the summer.  I think you folks are really going to enjoy this one, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I (finally) won the Pulitzer Prize.  (Depends on the dang judges.)  I wish there was a way to bribe those dudes.

Anyway, I digress.  I trust I have answered your various inquiries.  Please keep those cards and letters (and royalty checks) coming.  I do appreciate your blog loyalty and look forward to chatting with you again in the very near future.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff