Month: September 2014

September 28, 2014

THE BIRTH OF A NOTION!

I know, I know, it’s supposed to be “The Birth of a Nation.”  Well, I wasn’t referring to D.W. Griffith, or for that matter, Melanie Griffith.  My “notion” pertains to a new idea I had for a book, which has recently come to life!  Yes, my friends, despite my advanced age, I have become the proud parent of a new bundle of joy, titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  I “delivered” my 6 lb. 3 oz. baby to the publisher on Friday, which was great timing, mainly because the media was going gaga over Chelsea Clinton’s baby girl.  (Her delivery got a little more coverage than mine.  What’s the story with that?)

Charlotte Clinton is a precious little girl and I wish her happiness, health, and success.  I understand that she caused a little ruckus in the maternity ward… apparently she was caught handing out voter registration forms to the infants in the ward!  Half of the babies took the form and half spit up or fell asleep.  This is to be expected, since we live in a country that has become a blue diaper/pink diaper place.  Jeez, can’t we bury the pacifier and just get along?

Speaking of getting along, this past week was another fast-paced affair, centered around the wonderful world of book promotions.  Earlier in the week, I drove up to lovely Georgetown and spoke to a local book club.  The ladies were kind enough to show me around town and buy me lunch.  We went to Roots Bistro, which features a wonderful sandwich called the “Kitchen Sink.”  (Topped with meat, bacon, sausage, spinach, olives, and whatever else is laying around.)  Great place and great sandwich, but if you eat the entire thing, you will need a toilet instead of a sink!  (Just saying.)

After a brief stop at Inner Space Caverns, we drove over to El Monumento, a marvelous watering hole frequented by the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, two of my most loyal fans.  If you head up to Georgetown when it’s warm, you should also try to visit the Blue Hole, which is a swimming spot on the San Gabriel River.  Unfortunately, there was no nude swimming.  (I brought the camera for nothing.)  Ah well, such is life.

By the way, I have a wonderful announcement…..  Our blog site (and I do mean “ours” because I could not have done it without you!) has reached a new plateau!  A new level!  The pinochle of success!  We now have…..  (drum roll, please) …..  7,000 blog followers!  I think we might reach 10,000 by spring, but in any case, this is great news.  Again, I would like to personally thank each and every one of my sweet Sunday readers!  If you have any friends that you think would enjoy the blog, please feel free to guide them here!  All are welcome.

When I heard the news about the birth of Charlotte Clinton, I started to think about my own daughters.  (I have two.)  We were debating whether to have a third child, but to be perfectly honest, my wife and I knew very little about S-E-X.  In fact, the only thing my parents told me was that the man goes on top, and the woman on the bottom.  So we went out and bought a bunk bed!  (Man, talk about a long distance relationship!)  Well, all this talk about children has made me bankrupt, I mean hungry, so I must leave you now.  (The pancakes need to be turned over, and my wife is too lazy to step out of the shower, dry off, and flip them over.  Women!)

Have a wonderful week… and as a special surprise, I am attaching (hopefully) the first rendition of the front book cover for RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  Do me a favor, if you can, and let me know what you think.  This is just the first “drawing” but I would love to hear your opinion about the general concept.  Thanks!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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September 21, 2014

NOTHING IS SET IN STONE!

Really?  What about Mt. Rushmore?  What’s that, paper mache?  I think not.  (Which is what my teachers used to say about me!)  Anyway, I was recently watching the marvelous PBS series on the Roosevelts, and I started thinking about lasting legacies.  Closest I ever got was a rash in high school, but that’s a long story.  (And I’m not a “rash person!”)  Where was I?  Oh yes, Mt. Rushmore…  So can you name the 4 American Presidents that are depicted in stone?  I will list them at the end of this blog.  (No cheating!)

The main sculptor was an interesting fellow named Gutzon Borglum.  His parents were Danish emigrants.  (He became a great dane!)  My parents loved danish, but I digress.  Borglum learned his craft from his dad, which made him a “chip off the old block.”  He became a great sculptor, but he was a bit of a chisler.  (No surprise, there.)  Actually, he hardly ever used a chisel.  Believe it or not, 90% of Mt. Rushmore was created with dynamite!  It took Borglum 14 years to finish his project, but what else was there to do in South Dakota?  (North Dakota is a different story.)

Speaking of things to do…..  Don’t forget that yours truly will be one of the featured authors at the upcoming gala event called “Evening With The Authors.”  This glorious event is being held to benefit the Dr. Eugene Clark Library of Lockhart, Texas.  I will be representing the “mystery category,” and will be joined by other best-selling authors, including Sarah Bird, James Magnuson, and Mark Twain.  (Please Note:  Mr. Twain has not formally accepted the invitation.  Knowing Twain, he is probably busy de-composing!)  If you need tickets, contact:  http://EveningWithTheAuthors.com

So what else is new?  Well, for one thing, archaeologists have recently announced the discovery of Richard III’s body!  British archaeologists (working with trained prairie dogs) uncovered his corpse and have positively identified his remains!  As you might recall, King Ricardo suffered from scoliosis of the spine.  (Please, no jokes about him bending over backwards to please people!)  He was killed at the battle of Bosworth in 1485, but before he died, he supposedly said, “My kingdom for a horse!”

In my opinion, he should have said, “My kingdom for a hearse,” but what do I know?  In any case, it’s a wonderful discovery, make no bones about it.  (Ouch!)

You know, I’m thinking about getting a dog and naming him “Five Miles.”  That way I can tell people that I walk five miles every day.  Incidentally, the PBS program pointed out that Theodore Roosevelt was a ruff rider.  He must have charged up San Juan Hill on a greyhound.

Have you noticed that my writing schtick resembles the Marx Brothers?  Well, that’s because my first full-length play was produced at the University of Texas when I was serving as their playwright-in-residence, and at that time, my ONLY goal was to follow in the footsteps of the gentlemen who wrote the original Marx Brothers movie scripts.  (Who also began as playwrights…..  George S. Kaufman, S.J. Perelman, etc.)  Today, amazingly, is the anniversary of that great literary production!  (The play, which was later published, was titled, A KNIGHT’S MIDSUMMER DREAM.)  My, how time flies.

And since we’re on the subject of flies, did I ever mention that my wife makes meals fit for a king?  (Here, King…  Here, King… )  Just kidding, dear.  Put down the rolling pin.  If she hits me on the head, she’ll make a bad impression!

Finally, I should mention that my poker career has re-ignited.  I made it to the final table at last week’s Steiner Ranch World Championship Invitational Poker Tournament & Beer Festival.  Not only did I win a (very) small fortune, but I sold several copies of THE SECOND MOURNING!

Well, I must leave thee now, as my breakfast awaits.  As I close, I am staring, rather fondly, at a sweet little tart.  (My wife is out of town!)  Have a wonderful week, and remember to laugh frequently!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  The four American Presidents on Mt. Rushmore are:  Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt.

 

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September 14, 2014

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!

WOW, did you folks catch a glimpse of that flaming asteroid that streaked by earth last weekend?  When it entered the earth’s atmosphere it broke into smaller pieces called hemorroids.  (I think that’s what they’re called.)  They are small, but dangerous and can be a real “pain in the butt.”  The smallest particles are very photogenic, and are known as polaroids.  I don’t know about you, but I love to gaze at heavenly bodies with my telescope.  (No, I don’t mean the neighbors.)  If you’e wondering how I know so much about astrology, it’s because I wanted to be an astronut when I was a young whipper-snapper.  In fact,  I went to college on a NASA scholarship.  Well, actually I was just taking up space, but you get the idea.

Hey, do you think an astronomer is the same thing as a night watchman?

Anyway, there are billions of asteroids in the solar system, so don’t worry if you missed the last dazzling show.  Did you know that the chance of asteroids colliding is roughly equivalent to winning the lottery every day for a week?  Strange, but true!  Of course, if an asteroid of any size does hit the earth, the results could prove fatal.  Just ask Fred Flintstone.  A big sucker hit our planet 65 million years ago, and contributed to the extinction of the dinosaurs!  (Although some think it was an STD.)

Since I live in Austin, I can tell you one thing…..  The stars at night are big and bright.  Deep in the heart of Texas.  The prairie sky…   Never mind, you get the picture.  Speaking of stars…..  my new book, THE SECOND MOURNING, recently received the equivalent of a 5-STAR review from Kirkus Book Reviews, the world’s largest book reviewer!  The critics were very kind, referring to my modest masterpiece as “An immensely readable narrative.”  They also said I was funny and handsome.  (All right, I made that last part up, but my mother thinks I’m nice.)

Sad about Joan Rivers.  Not a huge fan, but I did appreciate the fact that she spent her entire life making others laugh and smile.  I’ve been thinking about cremation this week, and although I am going to seek a traditional burial, I do have to admit that cremation would be my last chance to have a hot, smokin’ body!

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”  (Not exactly relevant, but I wanted to add some class to this blog post!)

Finally, some breaking news…..  I recently put the finishing touches on the fourth “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  I am happy to report that my publishers, Murder Ink Press/Penguin Books, loved the story and are hard at work designing an appropriate book cover!  Incidentally, the original cover concept was the work of my good friend, Vicki Kaufman, owner of Blue Heron Design Studio.  If you ever need any graphic designs, she’s the gal for you!  (She lives in Cedar Park, Texas.)

In closing, I would like to confirm the rumors that I will be at a book signing in Georgetown next week.  I’m not sure of the time and place, but I will post both as soon as I learn the details.  (Just keep the entire week open, OK?)  And remember, my dear friends, don’t take life so seriously.  It’s not like you’re going to get out alive!

Have a safe and joyous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  We wish a safe and wonderful voyage to our loyal blog followers, The Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee!  Bring me back a croissant!

 

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September 7, 2014

PROMISES, PROMISES!

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of participating in a charity poker tournament intended to raise funds for Africa’s Promise Village, a marvelous organization dedicated to providing clean (disease free) water and a good education to the children of Tanzania.  (As well as orphans throughout Africa.)  I am delighted to report that thousands of dollars were raised in this effort, and I would like to publicly acknowledged our tournament director, my good friend, Rich Walker.  Well done, Ricardo!  I didn’t win the safari trip, but I did get two tickets to the Bronx Zoo.  (The one BEHIND the bars!)

On Wednesday, the Princess of Portugal, and her distinguished husband, Baron Lee, kept a promise to me and hosted a gala lobster festival at their mansion in Round Rock.  Guests consumed an inordinate amount of crustacean meat, grilled corn, roasted potatoes, and several gallons of fine wine.  (All wine is fine with me!)  The evening was a complete success, and now I have some new tails, I mean tales, to share with my blog followers.  Do you think my hosts were trying to “butter me up?”  Hmm.

Speaking of promising events…..  the Darrell K. Royal Research Fund is raising money to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease, and you can help by contributing some moolah.  Mr. Chris Cutrone is doing his part (and then some) by serving on the Legacy Council.  (Chris is the son of the beautiful and talented Pat Cutrone, one of my charming friends from Austin.)      Chris’s father, Lee Cutrone Jr., one of the finest men I’ve ever met, was stricken with the disease at the age of 57.  If you can help, please contact Chris at the following address:

http://www.dkrfund.org/legacy-chris-cutrone.cfm

***  If you contribute $100 or more I will send you a FREE, autographed copy of one of my brilliant mystery novels!  As we say in Brooklyn, this is an offer you can’t refuse!

Since we’re on the subject of beautiful and talented women, I would like you to know that my wife is now taking dance lessons!  Her instructor is from Wausau, Poland, which is quite fitting.  (She wants to become a “pole dancer.”)  I would be a great dancer, except for two things.  My feet.  I’m not sure why my wife loves pole dancing, but it might have something to do with her first boyfriend, who was a fireman.  (Hey, just be grateful that I didn’t refer to him as an “old flame!”)

I’m scheduled to do a television interview later this week, which means that I’ll have to get all cleaned up and look presentable.  I hate grooming on a Sunday.  You brush your teeth, take a shower, shave, comb your hair, and one month later you have to start all over again.  Life ain’t fair.  If the interview proceeds according to plan, we will be discussing my non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  I’ll let you know when and where it will be shown.

Did you hear that they are now selling Italian ISIS in New York?  (Ouch!)

I inadvertently rented a Jewish porno film last night.  (One minute of sex, followed by 29 minutes of guilt!)  Oy vey, what do you say, take that ball, down the other way!  This was the one and only football cheer that I created for the Yeshiva University Football Team.  I don’t think they ever used it, but only because they had no team.  Who knew?

Well, my dear friends, thanks for your continued support and encouragement.  Have a safe and happy week and we will meet again next Sunday.  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff