FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY….. HAIR!

NO, I AM NOT READING THAT SEXUALLY PERVERSE BOOK!  (I’m too old to learn anything about sex!)  In fact, this is the title of my new book about senior centers down here in Florida.  As many of you know, I have spent the past two weeks taking care of my mother, who is recovering (rather nicely) from hip replacement surgery.  She is now in rehab and doing just fine.  (At least two older gents have “hit on her.”)  She told both gents that she no longer dates because her parents won’t let her.  Mom is 88.  When asked to explain, she told them, “Mother Nature and Father Time!”

My mother began rehab at Regents Park, which is quite lovely, but packed with very old folks.  How old you ask?  One lady had an insurance policy that covered Fire, Theft, and Indian Raids!  (That’s old.)  Another guy was so old that he remembered when Howard Johnson’s only had two flavors!  (That’s even older!)  My mother’s room-mate was so old that she remembered when there were only Five Commandments!  (That’s the oldest joke of the bunch!)

Last Friday we transferred my mother to a place called Stratford Court, one of the nicest rehab facilities in Boca Raton.  The lady that checked us in was from Haiti, and like most Haitians, she was a cheerful, sweet, and caring woman.  We did, however, have one humorous incident involving our language differences.  She was relatively new and not quite sure how to say or spell Boca Raton.  We went through several names, and lots of good natured laughter, before we came to terms.  (She wrote down Boca Chica, Boca Rouge, and my favorite, Boco Loco.)  Nonetheless, we persevered and Mom was finally admitted.  (By then I was ready to be committed!)

In case you’re wondering, THE GRACELAND GANG was the best-selling book at Regents Rehab, and THE PIRATE PATH the biggest seller at Stratford Court.  (I actually donated 20 books to each gift shop, and incredibly, they sold out in one week!)  Of course, I did do some marketing at both facilities.  (I put one copy in every rest room, which one old lady told me was very appropriate.  I’m not sure what she meant by that.)  I also gave the staff some books, and they were very grateful.  A copy of DEVIL’S COVE was sent to the insomnia care unit, and from what I hear, my writing put almost everyone to sleep.  Gosh, my Mom was so proud of me.

Well, my stay in Boca Loca, I mean, Boca Raton, is coming to an end this morning.  When I finish this blog, I will be leaving for Port Everglades, where my ship has finally come in and awaits my embarkation!  I will be sailing aboard the brand new luxury vessel called the Royal Princess, bound for the remote and backward islands of St. Thomas, St. John, St. Martin, and St. Louis.  (That last port should be interesting.)  The weather here in Florida is sunny and warm and the seas look rather calm.  (The rehab center probably dumped some Prozac in the ocean.)  I am looking forward to a week of relaxation, poker, writing, and stealing those little bottles of shampoo that they give you each morning.  You remember those bottles….. the ones you bring home and never use!

I shall write again whence we make landfall or are captured by a horde of considerate pirates…..  Until then, I remain,  (with love to all)

Doc Yanoff, Oceanic Explorer and Bon Vivant!

BOCA IS BEAUTIFUL!

HOWDY BUCKEROOS…..  Well, it’s Scamp Yanoff time again….  I’m back in Austin, back in the saddle, and back to blogging.  Sorry for the late post, but as some of you know, I had some personal business to attend to in Florida.  Two weeks ago, my sweet mother (Miss Hazel) fell down and broke her hip.  Due to her advanced age (and playing ice hockey in her youth) she needed an immediate hip replacement, so…… guess who got to spend 10 hours a day by her bedside in the hospital?  Yep.  (I was the one who got “bed sores!”)

My brothers (Glenn and Ron) were also by her side, and Glenn (a resident of the Sunshine State) actually slept over one night.  (When Mom was hallucinating!)  Glenn would take the morning shift, and I would drag my lazy butt into the room around ten o’clock and spend the entire day there.  The surgery went well (due to the expertise of the great Dr. Bergman) but the recovery was difficult at times.  As I found out, seniors take a while to rid themselves of the massive amount of drugs and painkillers they receive.  During this process, they often hallucinate and become quite paranoid.  (I tried to get my Mom’s PIN numbers while she was doped up, but to no avail.)  Anyway, everything worked out fine and she is now resting comfortably in a lovely rehab center in Boca Raton.

I must thank all of the lovely nurses who attended to Miss Hazel with great kindness and skill…..     Nurses Rachael, Heather, Veronica, Marie, Michael, and Guisselle.  All I can say, is God bless you folks.  Your sweetness and dedication was overwhelming to observe.  Each one of you were amazingly caring and competent, and in my humble opinion, you have made the Boca Raton Regional Hospital the BEST hospital in America!  I hope you all enjoy your autographed books, and if you check out the ACKNOWLEDGEMENT SECTION of my next book, you will see that your are mentioned!  (Believe it or not, I had TWO books published while Mom was in the hospital!  Man, did I do a lot of writing!)

Of course, I wasn’t the only creative person in the room.  My mother took the liberty of re-designing the “bed pan” while she was recuperating from surgery.  (The “Hazel Poopy Pot” will be available, in many different colors, sometime in the Spring of 2014.)

Finally, I would like to say a HUGE thank you to my beautiful and talented sister-in-law, Grace Yanoff.  During my stay, I was lucky enough to eat several gourmet meals at Grace and Glenn’s house, and my God, were they good!  Grace is just about the best Italian food chef in the universe, and as you can imagine, I dined (and wined) quite well.  Thank you, darling!

Incidentally, one of the great parts about going up to brother Glenn’s house was meeting all of his wonderful friends at the ADDISON COUNTRY CLUB.  Not only is the club magnificent, but the “Friday Night Ladies” were incredible!  Try to picture a room filled with beautiful, intelligent, sweet, sexy women…..  Yep, I had to put up with a lot this trip, but hey, I managed.  (I can’t wait to go back!)

I will post the covers of my two new books in a few days.  Let me know what you think.  I love both of them (THE GRACELAND GANG  and  THE PIRATE PATH) but I would be interested in your opinions.  Well, I must go pay some bills.  Take care and have a safe week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

HOME SWEET HOME…

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE… there is no place like home.  (Although the Caribbean is pretty damn close!)  I am happy to report that my month-long book tour was a huge success, and that my publicist (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz) tells me that many copies of THE PRESLEY PLOT and MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE have been ordered on Amazon.com, Kindle, etc.  I would like to thank my domesticated partner for arranging the book signing gigs and listening to the (semi) fictional account of my college love-life.  (For the fifth time!)

Our travels took us from Austin, Texas to St. John in the American Virgin Islands, and in-between there were book signing stops in Tupelo, Mississippi (To visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley), Birmingham (Alabama), Atlanta (Georgia), Charleston (South Carolina), Boca Raton (Florida), Tallahassee (Florida), and Baton Rouge (Louisiana).  All told, we logged about 4,000 miles, and saw some lovely spots in this gorgeous country of ours.

The highlight of our trip was spending a week with two other couples in a luxurious villa overlooking Cruz Bay on the island of St. John.  I would like to thank Dr. and Mrs. Max Talbott and Lee and Helena Bomblatus (world famous snorkel enthusiasts) for their company and invaluable guidance on the consumption of rum. I would also like to thank Johnny Depp for letting us use his home, but I suggest that he remove the mirrors on the ceiling.  (I saw some truly frightening things!)

Along the way, we met some remarkable folks and gained a large number of new blog followers.  I would like to welcome a few of them, including….. Miss Nina Holcomb (hostess at the Elvis Presley Birthplace), Miss Ashley at the Tupelo Starbucks location, Miss Connie (who works at the Tupelo Hardware Store and directed us to the grave of Elvis Presley’s twin brother), the mayors of Atlanta and Charleston, Tonya and Shannon (the lovely snorkeling sisters from Pennsylvania), and all of the kind and generous folks who listened to my bad jokes and bought some books.  You all made this a memorable trip.

At the request of my financial advisor (Jesse James Lipschitz) I will now spend the next week catching up on bills.  (Always fun)  I know that some of you folks have been trying to reach me by phone, so please do not be alarmed if your call is directly forwarded to the NSA in Washington.  (I am a Verizon customer.)  You know, I wish these folks would “mine their own business” and leave me alone.  I’m not saying I don’t like the feds, but I’m starting to agree with one of my literary idols, Mark Twain, who said…..  “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog!”

Well, you’ll have to excuse me now, I’m off to bankruptcyville .  If you would like to help me pay for my recent trip (or the upcoming jaunt to Belize) please send cash in a brown paper bag.  (No coins, please.)  I will send you a charitable donation receipt for the I.R.S.  (But don’t blame me if you get audited!)  We’d both be better off if you just ordered a copy of THE PRESLEY PLOT or MURDER ON MAIDEN LANE!

Have a safe and happy week…..   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  I almost forgot to welcome Ms. Maggie Baum-Wilson to my blog!  Welcome aboard, young lady.  I look forward to meeting you when you get home!

 

 

SHECKY AND THE BANDIT!

TEN-FOUR GOOD BUDDIES, THIS IS THE RED RIDER COMIN’ DOWN INTERSTATE THIRTY, WHICH IS LOOKIN’ PURTY.  NO SMOKIES IN THE POKIES, SO Y’ALL CAN PUT THE METAL TO THE PETAL!

Yeah, as you can see, I’ve been spending way too much time on the Interstate.  The Highway Hotshot and I have been pushing the old eighteen-wheeler as fast as she can go, and we’ve covered quite a bit of ground.  Heck, we’ve gone from the Lone Star State to the Interstate, and then up to the Blue Grass State, down to the Peach State, and over to the Sunshine State!  (Now we’re in a state of confusion!)

We “landed” in Boca Raton two days ago, and just between you and me, it’s nice to be off the road for a while.  Now we have time to focus on the really important things in life….. food and alcohol.  Our “re-education” began at a wonderful Greek restaurant just north of here.  My generous (and fabulously wealthy) brother, Glenn, and his beautiful wife, Grace, took us out for dinner and we ate like kings!  (Think humus, warm pita bread, feta cheese, olives, grilled octopus, fresh fish, lobster, shrimp. scallops, mussels, clams, and of course, moussaka!)  OMG, what a way to start (or continue) a vacation!

Proving that we do NOT (contrary to popular belief) base our vacations upon dinner festivities, we also had an incredible lunch today.  Those of you that grew up back east know that the BEST pastrami in the world can be found a  Jewish Deli, and down here in Boca Raton they have one of the best…..  The world famous “Flakowitz Deli!”  (YES, THAT IS THE REAL NAME OF THE PLACE!)  Well, since we are gluttons (for food and punishment) we ate there today, and had the pleasure of consuming a gigantic pastrami sandwich, a potato knish, and several cans of Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda.  Needless to say, we are stuffed, and we will not be eating a thing until dinner.  (Hey, what time is it?)

The weather down here is hot and sunny, which is not too surprising, since we are in south Florida.  We (the Yanoff organization) are about to head to the beach to catch some rays.  (No, not sting rays.  We only eat tuna, but they are difficult to catch by hand.)  Anyway, after we turn and burn, we will be going to a marvelous local taverna for some delicious Italian food.  (God, I hope I don’t get pasta poisoning again!)  Look for my delectable review in the days ahead.

Well, my friends, time to lather up!  Be well, be happy, and be careful!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff