Good morning, sports fans, and may I begin by wishing all of you mothers (mommies) a very happy and healthy Mother’s Day! In keeping with Yanoff family tradition, I sent my mom a “congratulations card” complimenting her on my birth. I remember my mom telling me that the stork delivered me….. and was subsequently arrested for pushing “dope!”
My dad was more joyous about my arrival. The nurse said here’s your little treasure. My dad said, “let’s bury it!” (Milton Berle, 1956.) Hey, did you folks see that Hooters is celebrating Mother’s Day by offering customers a free order of hot wings? I was going to take my mom there, but we were just there for Easter. And her birthday. And my birthday. And… well, we were just there, so we’re not going back.
Speaking of moms, did you notice that a zoo in Japan is in hot water after naming a baby monkey Charlotte? (In honor of the royal baby of England.) If the prince and princess had a son, they were going to name him Curious George, so what’s the problem? No reason to go “bananas.”
My friend in L.A. just sent me an email, and get this, the geniuses in Hollywood have decided to make another Indian Jones movie! (Keep in mind that Harrison Ford will be 73 years old when filming begins.) Naturally, I sent in a movie script, which is being seriously considered. (Considered a piece of junk!) Anyway, in my script, Jones reflects his advanced age by outrunning a kidney stone instead of a giant boulder. Then he spends the rest of the movie searching for a tomb…. for himself! I’m calling the film, “Indiana Jones and the Search for Lower Cholesterol!” (maybe I should change that to blood pressure?)
Speaking of pressure, poor Tom Brady is getting hell for his role in the deflate-gate scandal. If he keeps complaining about the pressure, maybe he should do something about it. (any suggestions?) Ssssssssssssssssss.
Well, I must take my leave of you now. I am on my way to India! (Well, actually we’re going to the Clay Pit Indian Restaurant in Austin.) My friend, Bali, is offering a delicious buffet, and we want to get there before my son-in-law eats all of the lamb. Have yourselves a wonderful day, and don’t forget to call your mom. (Even if you have to call “collect” like me, it would be a very nice gesture.)
Finally, for those of you who find it difficult to believe that anyone voluntarily gave birth to me, I am posting a photograph of my beautiful mother. (pictured with her favorite child!)
Go forth, have a great day, and please remember to buy your mother a glass of champagne. (After all, you’re the reason she drinks!)
Love to all,