How could I have lost the presidential election?  How?  I was sure that my blog followers would push me over the top.  (Many have tried this before!)  Now I have to disband my political organization, the L.E.T.S. Party.  (Leave Everything To Steve Party.)  Maybe the public was unaware of my record.  (I had a long record, but only two convictions.)  Who knows.  As they say, there is no accounting for taste.  I shall simply console myself with the knowledge that I tried my best, and can now resume a life of total decadence.

To add insult to injury, I have recently been contacted by the Trump “Transition Team.”  I told them that I was very happy being a man, and that I had no intention of transitioning into a woman.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)  I simply hate wearing high heels.  Besides, from where I sit (in the kitchen) I see the entire political system as corrupt.  Why?  Because yesterday I tried to turn in a late ballot and was told that it was too late to vote!  You can vote early but not late?  What’s the story with that?

Now I hear that some folks want to eliminate the Electrical College.  Would you like to know my “current position” on that?  I agree!  I’d lead the “charge” if I had the “right connections!”  (Damn, these are pretty good puns!)  Why don’t we have a Secretary of Humor?  (Oh God, here comes another “plug!”)

Enough politics.  What else is new?  Well, I had a great Sunday luncheon with an old friend and insurance colleague, Ms. Meagan Kiernan.  Meagan once worked for Yanoff & Co. and is now a V.I.P. at a Dallas insurance company.  She’s smart, pretty, and personable, and just happens to be the daughter of two of my high school friends from Valley Stream!  Three days later, I spent a lovely evening at the Steiner Ranch Steakhouse, chatting with Loyd and Shelley Smith, two of the nicest folks in the universe!  Loyd is my new booking agent, but I’m trying to encourage him not to arrange any more history lectures at dawn!  (Dang, those Lakeway folks are early risers!)

Speaking of wine (well, steaks are close enough!) have you folks tried any of the wines from Barons Creek Vineyards?  They are superb!  My friend and neighbor, Marc Chase, is one of the owners and he was kind enough to give me a few bottles last week.  The vineyard is located in lovely Fredericksburg, smack dab in the middle of the Texas Hill Country.  Great venue for some wine-tasting, and they also have their own wine club and guest facilities.  (If you’re willing to buy some wine and spend the night,  I’ll plant myself on the sofa and read one of my books to you.  Trust me, you’ll fall asleep quickly!)

Congrats to Col. Richard Myerson, the winner of our last trivia contest.  The Army colonel was the first to provide the correct answer about John Wesley Hardin’s mistress, whose name was…..  Beulah Morose!  This week’s question?  What was the name of Jesse James’s favorite horse?  (I only need the stallion’s first name, not the first and last!)  The winner will receive…  a $100 gift card to Home Depot.  Good luck, amigos!

In closing, I would like to wish all 34,000 of my blog followers a VERY happy and healthy Thanksgiving.  If you live in this wonderful country, you have much to be thankful for, and you should enjoy your meal and forget about my recent political humiliation.  I’ll get over it.  I’ll survive.  I’m already making plans for 2020.  (I might run for mayor of Antigua.)  In any case, go forth and “gobble” up your feast!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff


P.S.  As an added holiday bonus, I am attaching some more photographs of my last Sicilian adventure!  Arrivederci!





I reckon I’ll have to win this dang election!  I reckon I’ll win in a landslide.  (If my opponents are killed in an avalanche!)  I reckon I’ll be your next President.  (Hey, this is starting to sound like my “day of reckoning!”)  Nevertheless, I sense that my political perspirations may finally come to fruition.  The tide is turning!  (No wonder I’m all wet.)  I would like to take a moment and personally thank all those folks who voted for me.  (My mom and gardener.)  I am overwhelmed by your trust in me, and frankly, somewhat disappointed that you only voted for me one time.  (Remember what they say in Chicago?  Vote early and vote often?)

My political advisor, Alphonse “Bad Count” Capoletti, has informed me that I now hold a slim lead over my demon-like opponents, Clinton and Trump.  By “slim lead” he means that two skinny people have voted for me.  Still, I am optimistic that I will win.  Have you seen the latest Poles?  (They just arrived from the Arctic.)  I am heavily favored to win the Eskimo vote, and proud to announce that I have received the Aleutian “seal of approval.”  (I have to return the poor critter after the election.)

Yes, folks, I am on a roll, or a biscuit, but enough about politics!  So what else is new?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  My recent history lecture was an outstanding success.  (While I was speaking, the audience was out standing!)  Not really.  I actually shared a wonderful morning with the Lakeway Men’s Breakfast Club, where I spoke at length about my first history book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  I really enjoyed myself, and the audience was quite large and extremely intelligent.  (Lots of good questions during the Q & A portion of the event.)  I’d like to thank my host and friend, Loyd Smith, for setting this up and inviting me to speak!  I hope to return when my next history book, TURBULENT TIMES, is published this coming spring.

Incidentally, for those of you who might find yourselves at one of the many Caribbean book festivals in January, 2017,  I will soon be posting my exact itinerary for our much-anticipated return to the islands.  This year we shall be making appearances on the islands of Puerto Rico, St. Bart’s, Antigua, Tortola, and the Dominican Republic.  All of my mystery novels will be available at the book festivals, as well as autographed copies of THE SECOND MOURNING.  (If you forget your wallet, you can pay with rum…  I’ll drink the rum and pay for it later!)

And since we are on the subject of celebrations….  Last evening was quite special around these parts…  Me (and 200 hundred of my closest friends) attended the lovely wedding of Miss Lexie Zell and Alex Baker.  The charming affair was held at The Greenhouse Resort in Driftwood, Texas.  (Smack dab in the middle of the Texas Hill Country.)  Great food, great tequila (from what I remember) and great company!  Following in my recent footsteps, the happy couple will be spending their honeymoon in Positano, Italy.  Hopefully, they will have a few spare moments to search for my lost socks.  (I was in Room 215.)  Have fun, you crazy kids!

Speaking of fun, the winner of our last trivia contest (which concerned the outlaw Sam Bass) was…..  James McElroy of Durango, Colorado.  Mr. McElroy was the first (but not the only one) who provided the correct answers to my fascinating inquiry.  The most comprehensive answer came from another brilliant blog follower, Mr. Larry Wood, of Austin, Texas.  Well done, gentlemen!

This week’s “Western Trivia Question” ……….    What was the name of John Wesley Hardin’s mistress in El Paso, Texas?  (The woman who inadvertently caused his demise.)  First correct answer wins…  a $100 gift card from Home Depot!  Good luck, buckeroos!

Well, I guess this is where the cowboy rides away.  Time to saddle up and head downtown for some hot migas.  (Which, for all of you Yankees and foreign-types, happens to be a Mexican-inspired breakfast dish.)  If you order this dish, DO NOT confuse it with the word “Mishigas,” which is Yiddish and has absolutely no connection to eggs or tortilla strips.  (Still, it might be fun to order a plate of “craziness!”)

Take care and have a safe and happy week….  I will speak with you again when, God willing,  I become your next President.  (Make that, “God forbid” I become your next President!)  Love to all,

The (semi) Honorable Dr. Stephen G. Yanoff


P.S.  Several folks have requested a few more photographs of my last outing to Europe, so here you go…..



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Well, since Bob Dylan refuses to acknowledge the Nobel Prize for Literature, I have unselfishly offered to accept the award for my own brilliant song writing.  What’s that you say, you didn’t know that I wrote songs?  Not only was I born in Nashville, Tennessee, but I am soon to be inducted into the Country & Western Song Writer’s Hall of Fame for my first (and regrettably last) album, titled, “I’ll Never Get Over You Until You Get Out From Under Him.”  (Available on Amazon.com)  I am very proud of this album, which features some of my genuine country classics…..

Who will ever forget (no matter how hard they try) these famous tunes…..  “If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.”   “I Still Miss You, But My Aim Is Getting Better.”   “She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.”   “Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.”   And finally, my own personal favorite, “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.”   Let’s face it, friends, they don’t write songs like these anymore.  (Except in two counties in southern Arkansas.)

Hey, since we are on the subject of literary genius, I would like to announce (warn) that I shall be speaking at the Lakeway Men’s Breakfast Club this coming Wednesday, October 26, at 8 a.m. in the morning.  My presentation will concern the assassination of President Garfield, and I will be speechifying (is that a real word?) about my history book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  Admission is free, and if you come early, you can purchase an autographed book.  I hope to see you there!  (I’ll be the only one awake at that hour!)

Lest I forget, congratulations to Judy Doyle of San Francisco, who won last week’s (tricky) trivia question.  There are 13 NARA Presidential Libraries, and two of them are dedicated to…..  Gerald R. Ford!  (One in Ann Arbor and the other in Grand Rapids.)   This week’s question?  Denton is north of Dallas, but which western outlaw do we associate with the “Denton Mare?”  (And where the heck was this poor fellow apprehended by the law?)  Good luck, everyone!

Last night we celebrated (with a gala steak dinner) the return of the Princess of Portugal and her worn-out hubby, Baron Lee.  After several weeks of traipsing around Europe, the royal couple has returned to humble Round Rock, where they will be recuperating (and replacing some of their wine-soaked bodily fluids) with good old fashioned water.  Or maybe just good Old Fashions?  Either should work. In any case, welcome home!

Today was a VERY special day for me and my best friend, Baker.  (Baker is my daughter’s dog, and my biggest fan.)  We (the entire Yanoff Clan and several other families) spent the morning down at Zilker Park in Austin.  Doing what, you might ask?  Celebrating Baker’s 15th Birthday!  We had a grand party, complete with breakfast tacos from Torchy’s, and lots of fun and games for the pooches. (there were at least 7 of them!)  The kids had a ball, too.  My daughter brought a piñata costume for Baker (he was not too thrilled about that) but he kept it on as we all sang “Happy Birthday,” and then proceeded to tear it to shreds with the other dogs!  All in all it was a “ruff” morning, but a lot of fun!  (If you would like to send Baker a gift, he is registered at Bloomingdales.)

Well, that’s about it for me.  I must go pack, just in case I get a phone call from the Nobel Committee in Oslo.  When I asked them if they thought I actually had a chance to win the big prize, they said “Nor-way!”    (Judge not, lest ye be judged!)

Love to all, Doc Yanoff





Well, maybe Interstate 35 isn’t heavenly, but it does lead to Dallas, which is quite an impressive city.  I spent a few days in “Big D” last week, and I must admit, it was very enjoyable.  Our first stop was Highland Park, where our hosts provided a glorious evening of French food and wine.  (Ooh la la, if you know what I mean!)  Dinner included a brief speech about my new mystery novel, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, followed by a veritable feast for the senses.  (Especially the taste and smell senses!)  There was plenty of pate, including my wife, Pate Yanoff,  and some truly wonderful wine.  (No whining, just wine.)

Day two was spent on the (lovely) campus of SMU.  I guess you could say that I was a visiting professor.  (after all, I was visiting!)  The purpose of my visit was to view the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum.  (I am doing some final research on my next history book, TURBULENT TIMES, which deals with the remarkable life of William H. Seward.)  The museum is quite interesting and if you love American history, you will enjoy the various displays dealing with the Bush Administration.  The Archive Library is also wonderful, so if you need to do some presidential research, this is the place to do it.  (Mention my name and you will get a free bookmark.)

While we were up in Dallas, we had to do one of those “bucket-item” things that you hear about from time to time.  Thus, we drove over to the State Fair of Texas and spent the afternoon munching on a wide variety of fried foods.  The best items were the Corny Dogs and the Fried Tofu.  (Just kidding about the tofu!)  They had a lot of games on the midway, but the most popular was the old “guess my weight  attraction.”  (Which they will be replacing with a “cholesterol guessing game” in the very near future.)  If you love fried foods, or have a death wish, then this is the fair for you!

By the way, speaking of death wishes, if you missed my last radio interview, you can hear the entire show on the new “Book Club Radio Program Podcast.”  (Hosted by John Austin.)  Just “Google” the name and a schedule will pop onto your screen.  The show is featuring two of my interviews this month, THE SECOND MOURNING interview and the interview on A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  I think you will enjoy them both, and they’re both free!

And since we are on the subject of “free stuff,” congratulations to Mr. Robert Loeb of East Meadow, New York, the winner of our last trivia contest.  Mr. Loeb won a $300 gift card, courtesy of my generous publisher, Murder Ink Press.  There will be many more contests and gifts in the weeks ahead, so stay tuned for my future blog posts!

Incidentally, this week’s trivia contest is NOT about me or my books.  (Thank God!)  A new iPhone (No, not a Samsung Galaxy!) will be given to the first person who can tell me how many Presidential Libraries there are in America.  If you can tell me which President has two libraries, you will win a gift card, too!  Good luck, and may the fastest typist win!

Finally, since we live in a day and age of enormous political strife, I would like to remind you of a pleasantry uttered by President Reagan, who referred to Presidential Libraries as “classrooms of Democracy.”  If you want to remind yourself just how great America truly is, then visit one of these fascinating museums.  You will come away reinvigorated and rejuvenated!  (And the admission will be less than a massage!)

Have a safe and smile-filled week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff





Thus, instead of running for President (and surely winning) I have decided to return to my passion of writing lame jokes.  Why?  Because the world needs to laugh more often!  Don’t try to change my mind, the people have spoken!  (Actually just one person, my mother… she reminded me that you need at least a billion dollars to be a legitimate candidate.  I was a little short.  Not really, I’m about six feet tall.)  Heeeee’s back!

Well, now that my political career is over, I can finally tell the truth.  I’d rather be king than president.  (Stephen King, that is.)  Have you seen how many books that guy has sold?  Well over a thousand.  He must be rolling in dough.  I guess I shouldn’t complain, A RUN FOR THE MONEY, has become the best-selling mystery novel in the state of South Carolina.  (Where most of it takes place.)  Make sure read the book before you go to Charleston!  (or any other city south of the Mason-Dixon Line.)

So what else is new?  Congratulations to Miss Amanda Garner, who won our last trivia contest.  (By three seconds!)  She will be receiving an autographed copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE, which I understand she intends to read on her way to Paris, France.  Good timing, Amanda.  Hope you enjoy the book!

Speaking of travel, the Princess of Portugal and her somewhat sober husband, Baron Lee, have left Lake Como and are heading to the Azores.  (Did you know that Perry Como owned his own lake?  I didn’t.)  Meanwhile, Judge Susan is on her way home from the Big Apple, which I think is in New York.  (They grow a lot of apples upstate.)  Safe travels, everyone!

As for me, watch out, Dallas!  I’m on my way (in a day or so) to “Big D” to attend a little function near the George Bush Library & Museum.  Day one will be spent on the campus of SMU, followed by a book club gig and private dinner at a publisher’s house in Highland Park.  Day two will be even more fun…  I am, for the very first time, going to the State Fair of Texas!  Yahoo!  I can’t wait to sink my teeth into a corn dog!  Have you ever seen the menu from the fair?  Almost everything is fried!  The most interesting dish is the “Dr. DeBakey Special.”   A huge plate of french fries smothered in fried bacon and melted cheese.   (Guaranteed to result in coronary surgery before you reach the parking lot!)   Sounds yummy.

And since we’re on the subject of food, I would like to thank the lovely and talented Miss Hannah for hosting a very nice dinner party at Napa Flats Restaurant last week.  Guests dined upon Cajun shrimp and gumbo, accompanied by some fine wine.  A good time was had by all!  (Miss Hannah is the publisher of a new magazine called “River Place Living.”)

Finally, since someone mentioned the above magazine, I would like to thank Mr. George Lowe for interviewing me for the December issue of River Place Living.  We recently spent several hours together, and George will be writing a lengthy expose, I mean, article, about me.  I hope all of my friends in and around River Place will support this new venture, and I look forward to reading some great articles in the months ahead.

Well, my friends, I must start packing.  The ACL music festival is just about over here in Austin, so I’m going downtown with my metal detector to see if I can find some jewelry.  Last year I found an 18-karat ring, but the woman wearing it refused to take it off her darn finger!  Some people are so pathetic.  Ah well, such is life.

Have a safe and joyful week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff


*****  If you can identify all of the locations in the attached photos you will win a HUGE gift!    (Courtesy of Donald Trump)



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Positano, Italy, has to be one the most beautiful spots on earth!  (Thought I was referring to the presidential candidates, didn’t you?)  Nope, Italy is much more interesting… and a lot more satisfying to look at.  Thus, at the end of today’s blog, I shall share a few of my newly developed photographs, exposing the Amalfi coast in all its glory!  (Don’t worry, I won’t be exposing myself.  I was asked to keep my clothes on, lest I scare the tourists!)

For those of you who do not subscribe to VARIETY, I was traveling abroad as part of a research trip, gathering information for the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is tentatively titled, CAPONE ISLAND.  (That would be “Capone” as in Al Capone, which is why we spent so much time in Sicily.)  Hence, all expenses were work related (and tax deductible) in accordance with the Federal Income Tax Code, Section 11, Paragraphs 4-34.  (At least that’s what my accountant, Jesse James Lipschitz told me.)

Come to think of it, maybe I shouldn’t be talking about paying federal income tax and Al Capone at the same time.  (Eliot Ness and the Untouchables busted Big Al for not paying his taxes!)  Personally, I think the deck was “stacked” against Capone.  (That would be “Stack” as in Robert Stack.)  If you didn’t get that last joke, you must be under 6o years of age!

Anyway, one of the reasons for today’s “Italiano” theme is because all of my books are now available in Italian!  My publisher recently informed me that there was a huge demand for my writing in Rome, Capri, Sorrento, Positano, and throughout Sicily.  (Which, coincidentally, are the exact places where I left advertising flyers in the mens room!)  See, my friends, it does pay to advertise.

The mystery novels have also been published in…  (get ready for this)  12 other foreign languages!  In all seriousness, this is a wonderful development, as foreign sales make up a large portion of a writer’s market.  I am most thrilled about the books being available in Spanish, French, German, and Chinese.  (These markets have a lot of readers who love anything “American.”)  Who knows, maybe I’ll be invited to a few book clubs in Barcelona, Paris, Berlin, or Peking.  (I love ordering Peking Duck, but I always get stuck with “the bill!”)  Ouch, that was really a “foul” joke!

Before I depart (big tailgate party down in Austin tonight) I would like to send my best regards to the Princess of Portugal and her financially drained husband, Baron Lee.  My dearest royal friends are vacationing (again) and this time they find themselves and their entourage in…..  Positano, Italy!  (dang copycats!)  Ah well, I’m just jealous.  Have fun and drink some Chianti for me!

I hope you enjoy the photos, and if you’ve been to this area, write to me and I will share your tales on next week’s blog.  (Send nude and semi-nude photos in a brown paper bag.)  Have a safe and happy week!  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff



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Actually, it’s “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too,” but that was then (1841) and this is now!  Besides, we don’t need another President Tyler,  (otherwise we would ask Steven Tyler to run) we need a man of the people!  A man who is semi-trustworthy!  A man with too much free time!  We need…  ME!   So, my fellow Americans, I have decided to run for President!  And why not?  Trump is running.  Clinton is running.  My refrigerator is running.  Even my nose is running.  (allergies)  Verily, I ask that you carefully read my first stump speech (I just cut down a tree) and cast your vote for me in the November contest!  Are you ready?  Well, here goes nothing…..

“Fellow citizens, these are the times that men try sole, I mean, that try men’s souls.  Therefore, I would like to shed some light on the SALUBRIOUS backgrounds of my opponents.  In response to an IMPUDENT question, Mr. Trump recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL behavior!  Just as revolting, if not more so, is Mrs. Clinton, who has frequently engaged in SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, often at dinner parties, surrounded by her admirers!  I know this is hard to believe, but Mr. Trump was seen MASTICATING at a crowded REVELRY!  Later that evening, according to CNBC, Trump began to EXPOUND on one of his pet projects!  Sadly, he then began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts.  Supposedly, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with their leader.  I hate to say it, but the man has become a PROPRIETOR!  And what about Mrs. Clinton?  Did you know that she was once a PROSELYTE?  My God, the woman actually wrote a pamphlet about religious SECTS!  I understand that her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship and NUPTIAL bliss!  Rumors abound that Hillary wanted to be a THESPIAN (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that she was willing to perform in front of a paying customers!  Finally, I would remind you that both of my opponents enrolled in college and MATRICULATED on a daily basis!  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)   I’m no saint, but I hear that my opponents tried to EMULATE one of the professors on campus, and for that they should both be CASTIGATED!

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE accusations, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS.

I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!

God Bless America, and God help us if I actually win.”


Those of you who wish to support my idiocy, I mean candidacy, are encouraged to send cash (no checks, please) to me ASAP.  Any amount is welcome.  (Just fold your donation in half and stuff it in a brown envelope.)  Next week, God willing, I will lay out my entire platform.  Until then, take care and send me some loot!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff