Have you, perchance, read the above book, which was written by John Bunyan? (Who might have been related to Paul Bunyan. Who knows.) Anyway, I thought it might be a good title for this week’s blog post. Fall has fell and the holiday season has begun! First came that awful day when we had to set our clocks back (or forward in my case) to honor some old tradition. When I was a kid, I thought DAYLIGHT SAVINGS was the name of a bank. (I wasn’t too bright back then!) Now we move on to the favorite holiday of dentists… Halloween.

Did you know that over 160 million Americans buy candy for this trick or treat fiasco? (That’s about half the population!) Hard to believe, but Americans spend about $2.6 BILLION dollars on Halloween candy each year. The top selling cavity-producer is….. (the envelope please) ….. SKITTLES! (The grossest type of candy you can put in your mouth!) For you candy corn folks, don’t fret… 35 million pounds of that gunk was sold and/or consumed. (I used to eat candy corn with salt and butter until I realized it was melting the darn thing! Like I said before, I weren’t too bright a lad!)

Hey, why can’t ghosts have children? (Answer: Because they have “hallow-weenies!”)

All right, let’s move on to Thanksgiving, shall we? President Biden pardoned the “official” birds, whose names are Peanut Butter and Jelly. Good for him. Unfortunately, his Vice-President did not agree with the pardon, calling it (and I quote) ….. “A clear example of systematic ornithology prejudice and a ‘foul’ deed!) She didn’t really say that, but I’m trying to stir up trouble. Hey, don’t forget to talk politics at your Thanksgiving dinner. (You’ll save money on Christmas gifts!)

Here at Villa Yanoff we will be especially thankful for a new addition to our family… my beautiful daughter, Rachel, recently gave birth to a 8.5 pound tax deduction named William Arthur Zell. He is soooo handsome. (He favors me) He was quite a sizable baby. They almost had to induce birth, but my daughter decided to handle the situation on her own… and out he came! (Oddly enough, my wife had to be induced with drugs in order to have sex with me!) Anyway, Mom and child are doing well, so we are once again on cloud nine, and one step closer to personal bankruptcy!

A big shout out now to… Joy and Jordon, my son-in-law’s dear friends who came to Austin from Los Angeles and Las Vegas to observe the bris. If you’re not familiar with this procedure, let’s just say it gives the male child a chance to circumvent, or something like that. The person who does the snipping of the you-know-what is called a Mohel. (They don’t make a lot of money. Mainly tips.) Fortunately, the procedure is done quickly, and in most cases, the young lad has no scars or memories of his first encounter with scalpels. (Unless, as with me, the procedure is done when you turn eighteen. Just kidding. I faint at the sight of my own blood.)

For those of you who would like to see what my new grandson looks like (without his you-know-what) please scroll down and you will find two lovely photos of my grand-daughters, Goldie and Fiona, holding their new brother. (Just after he lost two ounces!) I’ve also included some Halloween shots, which reveal exactly how these hooligans dress up! (Superman is my other grand-son, Leo.)

Finally, I will soon have some MAJOR news to share with you concerning a book award about to be given to GONE BEFORE GLORY. (which was just named as one of the top 100 books of 2021 by a MAJOR media group.) I cannot reveal the actual name of the contest until it becomes official in early December, but I am quite thrilled by this honor. I shall, as they say, keep you abreast (or a thigh, if you prefer) of the situation!

Until then, be safe and be happy. Have a marvelous Thanksgiving and be grateful that we all live in the most wonderful country on earth! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff **Photos attached**

OOPS, I FORGOT TO INCLUDE THIS ON THE BLOG THAT WAS JUST PUBLISHED!

(MUST BE MY ADVANCED AGE!)

ENJOY!

— DOC YANOFF

Well, you know what they say about Texas weather… stick around for five minutes and it’s sure to change! It certainly changed this week. Last Monday it was 101 degrees down here in Austin, and then on Tuesday, it was a balmy 102 degrees. Finally, today, it dropped way down to 90 degrees, and I had to find a sweater to wear! I love reptiles, so I found a nice turtleneck. (Ouch!) In any case, summer is finally over and fall is in the air. (I think that’s what I smell) Personally, I love the summertime down here in the Lone Star State, but on that subject, I am a definitely a minority. (I think the heat keeps the riff riff off the golf course!)

Our last summer fling was flung in Port Aransas (naked photos attached) and as usual, we had a marvelous week at the Sandpiper Resort. The weather (and the water) were absolutely perfect, and we even found time to sign a few books. I’m happy to report that Port A has fully recovered from the last devastating hurricane, and as far as I could tell, almost all of the great seafood restaurants are back in business.

On a (slightly) sad note, the amazing women who run one of the most pleasant events in Texas (“An Evening With The Authors”) in Lockhart, Texas, were forced to cancel this year’s event due to the continued concerns of Covid. However, as the incredible Ms. Juanita McBride has assured me, the show will go on next year, and the evening gala will be better than ever! By the way, not only are the ladies of Lockhart wonderful, but their “cause” is also great… the event raises some much-needed funds for the Dr, Eugene Clark Library, a true Texas treasure. (and the event also supports many of their community programs!)

Naturally, I hope to see many of my Texas friends next year. (In lovely Lockhart) If this week is any indication, we will have much to celebrate… Why, you ask? Because my new history book, GONE BEFORE GLORY, has just won its first literary award! Oui, my friends, my book won the BRONZE MEDAL (Honorable Mention) at the PARIS BOOK FESTIVAL! I am thrilled and honored to be recognized by our French allies, and appreciate their offer to attend the awards ceremony is Gay Paree. (Even though I’m straight. Mostly.)

Actually, I do have a trip to France on the books (so to speak) but we are not due to arrive in the “City of Light” until next August. Nevertheless, it is tempting to travel abroad, so who knows, maybe I’ll be packing my bags before then. To tell you the truth, I love Europe, but there are so many foreigners there, and some of them are very rude. (i.e., they don’t speak English!)

By the way, in addition to the Paris Book Festival honor, I received my first comprehensive, professional book review, and I was sincerely grateful for all of the nice comments made by the reviewer. (No, I did NOT bribe her!) Although I might have tried if they’d told me her name! For those of you that have absolutely nothing to do later today, please scroll down and see the review. I think you will find it quite interesting and very well-written. (I do wish she would have said something about my hilarious jokes, but alas, that will have to wait.)

Well, mes amies, (my friends) I shall now take my leave of thee until next time. Please stay safe and try to remember the words of that great French character-actor, Pepe Le Pew, who said, “Doesn’t this croque monsieur come with French fries?” Until we rendezvous again, au revoir!

Well, I was planning to post this (semi) humorous blog from my hotel room in Colorado, but you know what they say about plans… Plans are what we make while life goes on! Here I was, packed and ready to head west, when all of a sudden Mother Nature has a fit. Those awful wildfires that are burning out west seem to have affected my travel plans in such a way that it no longer made sense to leave the Lone Star State. Thanks to my new publicist, Marvin “Mix-up” Mankowitz, I was booked into a wonderful suite at the Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs. He told me that my room overlooked the pool. I suppose I should have asked which pool, but I didn’t. (It overlooked the hotel’s cesspool!) Just kidding. The room was great, but I was still a bit confused…..

What exactly is a Broadmoor? It sounds like it might be an overweight Muslim of mixed Berber and Arab descent. (The actual definition) In any case, the hotel was lovely, but alas, the smoke and fire were problematic, so…. we also had to re-schedule our next stop. After forcing my new book upon unsuspecting guests at the Broadmoor, we were supposed to head up the mountain. (Roughly 8,000 feet up!) The plan was to spend the next week at the Emerald Ranch, a highfalutin cowboy ranch catering to wannabe cowboys like me.

I had three marvelous horseback trips planned, but the horses are in some kind of equine union, so they do not have to work during adverse conditions. (Fine with me, I don’t like to work under any conditions!) I’m not sorry about cancelling my trail rides, because with my luck, I might have caught hoof and mouth disease! Ah yes, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

In order to promote my new book, GONE BEFORE GLORY, we quickly switched gears and headed for Boerne, Texas, a charming town in the Hill Country. I must say that our trip was a complete success. Not only did we manage to spend some quality time with my beloved brother-in-law (Tim McCloskey) but we also go to meet his lovely new girlfriend and bore her to death with stories about President William McKinley! (She might be giving up her American citizenship because of me!)

In any case, I have some marvelous news to share with my (100,000+) blog followers….. my new nonfiction history book, GONE BEFORE GLORY, is now available at Amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, Nook, and leading bookstores across the nation! It took a while (due to Covid related issues in the publishing world) but I think you will find well worth the wait. The book has received a couple of great reviews already, and I think it’s destined to win a bunch of awards. (Keep your fingers crossed!)

Hopefully, there are still a few autographed copies available, but if not, just contact me and I’ll see if I can’t round one up. In the meantime, thank you all for your continued support! As many of you know, I don’t write for the money, but for the pure joy of entertaining and educating myself and the public. I do hope you enjoy GONE BEFORE GLORY, and if you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me.

Until we meet again, take care, be safe, and keep smiling!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

Bon jour, mon ami! Greetings from “The Big Easy,” which happens to be one of the nicknames for the city of New Orleans, as well as the nickname of my high school girlfriend. (Don’t ask!) We have actually had a marvelous time traveling back in time (New Orleans is one of the oldest cities in America) and enjoyed our stay at the Windsor Court Hotel, situated on the edge of the French Quarter. The other 3/4 of the city was also a treat, especially our gourmet feast at Mr. B’s Bistro on Bourbon Street. Due to my worldwide fame (and a modest bribe) we were treated like royalty and given a copious amount of gumbo and oysters, along with some magnificent Sazerac cocktails. I’ve always enjoyed this city, even though Bourbon Street can get a little rowdy at times. We only made one mistake. When some folks on a balcony tossed a strand of beads at us, Patty threw her Rolex watch at them. Oh well, c’est la vie!

While gouging ourselves on gumbo and oysters (deep fried) we found time to wander over to Cafe Du Monde for some chicory coffee and beignets. A messy treat, but well worth the effort! Beignets are very low-calorie (yeah, right) so we only consumed four of them. (Each!) Oddly enough, you really get your money’s worth when you eat those scrumptious balls of fried dough. How so? Well, according to my watch (the one we didn’t lose) it takes about eight hours to digest each beignet, so you get plenty of time to savor the experience.

One of the most fun things to do in New Orleans is taking cruise on the Mississippi River via steamboat. We managed to wrangle an invitation aboard the Delta Queen a/k/a “The Lusitania of Louisiana” for a charming trip up and down the river. The luncheon was actually pretty good (more gumbo, of course) and the Dixieland band sensational. I’ve never traveled via water south of the city, so I found the cruise quite interesting. Did you guys know that the Mississippi River is one of the longest rivers in the state? (I’m just being silly. The dang river is actually 2,350 miles long!) That’s longer than the Comal River in Texas!

After stuffing ourselves in New Orleans we drove east, via I-10, to one of my favorite spots in America, Rosemary Beach, Florida. We usually park ourselves at the Pearl Hotel, which remains one of my favorite hotels. Lovely rooms, overlooking the gulf, great staff, great food, and the cleanest water in the entire country. The beaches in this section of Florida are magnificent, and I was happy to see that folks were out and about enjoying the sand and surf. (I, of course, also enjoyed the surf & turf!) Yep, the food in Rosemary Beach is superb. We ate like kings (and queens) and had some truly memorable meals. If you don’t plan to return to the area, you don’t need to tip. Just saying.

The purpose of the trip (other than going bankrupt on seafood) was to spread the news that my next book, GONE BEFORE GLORY, is at the final stage of publication and should be available to the reading public sometime next week! As I mentioned in an earlier post, the pre-publication reviews have all been great, so I think my fans will really enjoy this book. As you might remember, this book is about the life and death of President William McKinley, one of the most intriguing figures in American history. His crazy assassin (Leon Czolgosz) is described in lurid detail and will be someone you will never forget, so get ready for another great read!

For those of you following my sordid life, please note that our next adventure (also a book tour event) will be a lengthy visit to the Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado, followed by a week at Emerald Ranch, the cowboy venue up in the mountains. The last time I was at the ranch, a weathered cowboy taught me how to tell the temperature by listening to a cricket! (To convert cricket chirps to degrees Fahrenheit, just count the number of chirps in 14 seconds, then add 40 to get the temperature.) OR…. you can glance at your cell phone, whichever is easier!

By the way, I will NOT be riding bareback on this outing. The last time I did that, I got a terrible sunburn.

Well, my friends, that’s about it for now. Enjoy the upcoming week, keep those masks on, and be safe. If you have nothing else to do, please scroll down and enjoy the photographs I took in New Orleans and Rosemary Beach. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

Yeah, I know what some of you are thinking… you thought I’d end up on death row instead of music row, but you were wrong! I have just returned from a rather successful trip to the lovely city of Nashville, Tennessee! (Which, as some of you know, it actually the city of my birth… although many of the current residents are reluctant to discuss that fact!) In any case, this was my second venture out and about the USA, and I am happy to report that my literary popularity has not diminished since the dreaded virus reared its ugly head. Nashville is known as “Music City,” and for good reason… there is live music everywhere, and most of it is quite good. I was surprised to find a country & western trio in my shower, but hey, when in Rome…

Aside from promoting myself (which is a full-time job) I had the great pleasure of visiting with my two lovely aunts, Gladys and Thelma, the ruling matriarchs of Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. Both of my adorable aunts have lived in Mt. Juliet for over 55 years! In the same houses! (But neither had a trio of musicians in their shower.) While endearing myself to the locals, I had plenty of time to catch up with two of my wonderful cousins, Jimmy Deatrick and Lane Wilson. Jimmy is an enormously successful real estate agent with Crye-Leike, the 3rd largest realtor in the nation. He is actually a Vice-President of the corporation and has earned several professional designations, including CRA, CRS, and GRI. (I don’t know what any of those letters mean, but I’m still impressed!)

Lane Wilson has also done pretty good for himself… The young lad is a partner at William Morris Endeavor Entertainment and is responsible for negotiating major deals for many of the leading performers in the Nashville music scene. (He is also on the Board of Directors for the Academy of Country Music and Leadership Music.) Lane was kind enough to invite us to a live concert and record promotion party, but due to my advanced age (and Covid concerns) we had to pass. (That was the first time I had to pass on a free pass!)

Needless to say, I am quite proud of my cousins, and glad that someone in our family has finally made a success of themselves! Which reminds me, my new nonfiction history book, GONE BEFORE GLORY, is finally in the final stages of design and should be released shortly. I know it’s been a while, but as they say, good things are worth waiting for! In any case, the pre-publication reviews (from 2 major newspapers) have been wonderful, so get ready for another great summer read.

Incidentally, for those of you who are collecting material for my biography, I should mention that we stayed at the Hermitage Hotel in Nashville. This is the grand dame of the city, and a truly lovely venue located downtown. Hopefully, you will scroll down and take a look at our room. (the shower musicians did not want to be photographed.) I have also included (hopefully) some photos of Music Row and our favorite stop, Andrew Jackson’s home. (which, oddly enough, is also called the Hermitage!)

By the way, the large red-brick building is Ryman Auditorium, the “cathedral of country music.” We were given a private tour of the music hall, and it is quite impressive. Every major country and western star (except for my shower musicians) has appeared on the Ryman stage over the last 50 years or so. If you intend to visit Nashville, I strongly suggest that you order tickets online before you go, because the city was packed with tourists.

Later this year I will be starting a funding drive to purchase my boyhood home, and hopefully, turn it into a major tourist attraction. Hey, if Elvis is in Memphis, why shouldn’t I be in Nashville? Fair is fair, right?

All right, you hound dogs, that’s about it for now. I have some exciting news to share on my next blog (something great about a MAJOR book-signing event) but you will just have to wait for the details! Until then, please continue to be safe and take care! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

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So long sad times, Go long bad times, We are rid of you at last, Howdy gay times, Cloudy gray times, You are now a thing of the past….. Well, do you remember this 1929 song? It was written by Milton Ager and Jack Yellen, and served as the official campaign song for Franklin D. Roosevelt’s 1932 presidential campaign. Granted, we still have a way to go, but things are finally looking up here in the good old U.S.A. I got my second vaccine several weeks ago, but to tell you the truth, I thought I was going to qualify as a “first responder.” Not because I have an essential job (or any job for that matter) but because I am usually the first to respond when the dinner bell rings. Nonetheless, I had to wait my turn, but it was worth the wait…

After I was “cleared” for human contact, I agreed to fly to Miami to pick up a long-overdue book award and stretch out on a sandy beach. Despite what you may have read about South Beach in Miami, the place was clean and lovely and everyone was on their best behavior. (And, amazingly, almost everybody wore a mask!) We had the good fortune of staying at the W Hotel, which was exceedingly pleasant. Our suite was ginormous (I made up that word) and the food was simply divine. The hotel has its own private beach, so we did not have to mingle with any of the riff-raff from up north. (Why do folks from Vermont wear flannel bathing suits?)

After five glorious days of sunshine, we headed back to Austin, where spring awaited our arrival with open arms and air-borne pollen. Still, as they say, there is no place like home. Of course, this might be a good thing, since staying home seems to be in our future plans. Due to Covid-19, my European adventures have been cancelled until further notice. No Italy, no France, no England. All stops re-scheduled for next year. Oh well, I don’t really mind, as I LOVE to travel around America.

Thanks to my publicist, Myron “Mirthless” Mankowitz, we have been booked into some lovely venues all throughout the summer and into next fall. First comes Rosemary Beach, then its over to Fort Lauderdale, up to Nashville, and then down to New Orleans. The best part of these trips (other than the food!) will be visiting with old friends and family, and introducing America to my newest literary masterpiece, GONE BEFORE GLORY. (The Life and Tragic Death of William McKinley)

Finally, after months of wrangling with the folks at the National Archives, I have obtained the necessary photographs for the book, which will be published some time in April. Hallelujah! The folks in Washington were short-staffed due to the virus, so it took 6 months for them to respond to my initial request! Geez, no wonder those whackos stormed the Capitol! (Just a joke, do NOT report me to the F.B.I.) Come to think of it, maybe I should be reported. Heck, I could sell a lot of books down in D.C. (Do politicians read books?) Let me get back to you on this subject.

So what else is new? Well, since you asked, the book award that I previously referred to was received from the Florida Book Fest, which is a prestigious group composed of journalists and librarians from the Sunshine State. They were kind enough to choose my last Adam Gold Mystery (CAPONE ISLAND) as one of the best mystery novels of 2020. In fact, the book won the Silver Medal (second place), which was a remarkable achievement, considering that they had over 3,000 other entrants to consider! Some guy named Michael Connelly or Donnelly won the gold medal, but he probably bribed the judges. In any case, I’ve never heard of him. Probably an amateur who got lucky.

By the way, my marriage counseling is really going well. I went to a counselor because my wife kept asking me for sexual favors. (i.e., stop touching her, put your clothes back on, etc.) The counselor asked me if I felt dominated by my wife. (She told him, “No, he doesn’t.”) In our last session, she told me that she expected a lot more of me. I told her to lower her expectations. Whoever said “all you need is love” has clearly never had a great margarita. I’m drinking a little less these days. I started a “quarantine diet.” I don’t know about you, but I always find that the second day of a diet is the easiest. (Mainly because I’ve given up by then!)

In closing, I would like to welcome you back to the wonderful world of wit and wisdom, and remind you that there are some intriguing photographs at the bottom of this enchanting blog post. (Including a book award photo, a photo of our recent ice storm, and some shots of my delightful new grandson.) Stay healthy and try to wear those darn masks a little longer… as my kidney stone physician once said, “this too shall pass!”

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

GOOD MORNING, POSSUMS! HAS 2020 WORN YOU OUT? HAVE YOU FELT YOUR ESSENCE BEING DIMINISHED? HAVE YOU BEEN DRAINED OF YOUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS? (DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I’M RAMBLING ON ABOUT?) WELL, I’M SUGGESTING THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO REJUVENATE YOURSELF BY DOING A GOOD DEED!

LATER THIS EVENING, AT 7 P.M. TO BE EXACT YOU ARE HEREBY INVITED TO LISTEN TO A HIGHLY INFORMATIVE (AND NO DOUBT AMUSING) PODCAST FEATURING YOURS TRULY AND TWO OTHER RATHER FAMOUS TEXAS AUTHORS.

THE INTERNET EVENT, KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE FREE WORLD (AND MOST OF ARKANSAS) IS BEING BILLED AS “LOCKHART’S EVENING WITH THE AUTHORS.” THIS MARVELOUS EVENT WILL BENEFIT THE LOCKHART PUBLIC LIBRARY, AND IS SPONSORED BY BARNES AND NOBLE. (THE LOVELY SOUTH AUSTIN LOCATION)

ALL OF THE AUTHORS WILL BE DISCUSSING THEIR LATEST BOOKS AND FIELDING QUESTIONS FROM THE MODERATOR (CHRIS WALLACE?) AND THE AUDIENCE. YOU MAY ASK ANYTHING! (EXCEPT FOR MY P.I.N. INFORMATION!)

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO VIEW THE EVENT, SIMPLY GO TO THE FOLLOWING LINK: WWW.EVENINGWITHTHEAUTHORS.COM

THE PODCAST WILL BEGIN AT 7 P.M. THIS EVENING, SO BE THERE OR BE SQUARE! I HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THE INTERNET!

YOUR DEAR BLOGSTER,

STEPHEN G. YANOFF