I don’t know about you, but I’m glad all the craziness is behind us. What a week! We had complete strangers knocking on our front door or ringing the bell until we appeared. Day and night! Parents and children alike! Some of those folks were scary-looking, and most of them were rather demanding. What a frightening experience! Well, enough about Halloween. (What did you think I was talking about?)

However, since we’re on the subject of spooky spirits, did you know that SALT acts as a protective shield against evil spirits and malevolent entities? No joking, the darn stuff really works. I put some salt on my glass of tequila last night (my favorite spirit) and slept like a baby. (No, that doesn’t mean that I wet myself in bed!)

By the way, did you know that Halloween started as a Celtic festival called “Samhain,” which means “summer’s end?” That’s why black and orange are the colors most associated with the holiday. (Black represents the “death” of summer, while orange represents the life of the fall harvest.)

Which reminds me… Do you know why ghosts and goblins can’t have children? (You’d better sit down) ….. Because they have “hallow weenies!” Believe it or not, a trick-or-treater told me that joke!

Moving on … this weekend is the annual Texas Book Festival, so if you find yourself in lovely downtown Austin, please feel free to contact me and I will arrange for you to receive an autographed copy of my new history masterpiece, titled, WONDER OF THE WEST. (Which has recently been chosen as one of the “Top 100 Books of 2024” by the wonderful folks who run the Shelf Unbound Literary Awards.

Speaking of books, I recently signed a new publishing contract with my favorite publishing house, which intends to torture the reading public by producing a brand new “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled, THE LONG HARD FALL. The book is scheduled for publication in the spring of 2025. Probably around April 1st, which would be fitting!

Incidentally, if you desire an autographed copy of any book that I’ve written, you can find one on eBay. What a wonderful site. I sold an authentic Australian boomerang on eBay. So far it’s been returned twenty-two times! G’day, mate. What can I say?

Well, since we recently endured another election, I shall leave you with some political humor … Question: What do you call a bad lawyer? Answer: Senator! Do you know that Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medical marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain? Think what that means … There was joint support for joints for joint support! (Whew, that joke went up in smoke!)

Have yourselves a truly sublime week … love to all …

Doc Yanoff

I was almost late posting this post, but it wasn’t my fault. Some guy named Zuckerberg called me this morning and said he was from Facebook. I says, “So, I’m from Texas.” He replies, “Y’all need to change your internet password.” I retorts, “Why?” He says, “Your password is “Meatstew” So I quickly ask, “What’s wrong with that?” The Zuckmeister says, “It ain’t ‘Stroganoff!'” (Not much meat on that joke, either!)

Well, when last we spoke, I had been thrown off the island of Skiathos and was now heading for Kavala, Greece, and then to Bodrum, Turkey. As we were getting ready to tender (which has nothing to do with romance) we bumped into New Gingrich (the former Speaker of the House) and his charming wife, Callista. They were both very gracious, and Newt smiled when I told him that Patty was the “Speaker of our House.” (Yak, yak, yak, you know what I mean, guys?)

In any case, Kavala is a city/port in northern Greece, founded way back in the 7th century B.C. While there, we hired a friendly driver who took us to Ammolofoi Beach, a lovely spot about thirty minutes north of the city. The water was quite enjoyable, and like a lot of beach resorts, the food and drink were great. (The beach is famous for its Greek-style yogurt and grilled octopus.)

Early the following morning, we had the pleasure of checking off one of our “bucket items,” which was a day-long sailing cruise along the Turquoise Coast in an authentic Turkish gulet. (A gulet is a classic wooden yacht and has nothing to do with the tube that runs from the mouth to the stomach.) We sailed from the port of Bodrum down the coast and got to swim in some magnificent spots in the Aegean Sea. Despite the absence of grilled octopus, we had a marvelous lunch aboard ship, and consumed a few bottles of good Turkish wine.

Here’s an interesting bit of trivia… It seems that many Turkish men are named Otto. (I kept hearing them say, “Otto, man” everywhere we went.) Also, did you know that Turks love Raki, which is an alcoholic concoction made from grape pomace and aniseed, and has nothing to do with the boxer portrayed by Sylvester Stallone? Me neither. There is one similarity though… they will both knock you on your butt!

If you scroll down, you will see some photos of our lovely cabin on the Seabourn Encore. The beds were wonderful, and as you might imagine, I slept like a baby. (without wetting myself!) Of course, sleeping comes naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed.

Next time we meet, I shall endeavor to shed some light on our stops in Santorini, Mykonos, Crete, and Symi. The ship misplaced one of my suitcases when we went ashore in Crete, so I sued them. (I “lost the case!) That, of course, is another lame joke. I must be getting hungry. I’m excited about lunch today. We’re going to a new Indian restaurant called KARMA. There are no menus. You get what you deserve!

On that note, I shall take my leave. (You folks don’t deserve any more abuse!) Have a wonderful and safe week. Keep smiling! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

Geia Sou and Merhaba! (“Hello” in Greek and Turkish language) I have recently returned from an amazing three-week adventure, sailing around the lovely Aegean and Mediterranean Seas. I am happy to report that both seas had plenty of water and the appropriate levels of salt. (They both had lots of scantily-clad beach babes, too!) I am a modest guy, but I went topless on several occasions. How wild and crazy can you get? My wife wore a few thongs, but they were the rubber things you put on your feet.

Our sailing odyssey began with a pre-excursion at the Four Seasons Resort in beautiful Vouliagmeni, an area south of Athens that calls itself “The Greek Riviera.” The place was just wonderful, and the food and service out of this world. (see photos attached!) My only complaint was about the plush towels and linens. They were very difficult to fold up and stuff into our suitcases. Other than that, I’d give the joint five stars.

After four days of consuming grilled octopus and several hundred pounds of feta cheese, we set sail for the charming island of Skiathos, north of Athens, where we took a water taxi to one of the lovely beaches that surround the island. Skiathos is located in the northwest Aegean and is part of the Sporades Archipelago. We met a lot of nice folks at Koukounaries Beach, but I noticed that there were a lot of foreigners in Europe. What’s that about?

By the way, we were sailing with Seabourn Cruises and were lucky enough to be on their new ship, the Seabourn Encore. The cruise began with a mandatory safety drill, but I got confused when they asked me to meet at a certain muster station. I thought they said “mustard station,” so I reported to the kitchen area. (Luckily they were preparing grilled octopus!) During the safety drill, I learned that you’re supposed to yell “Man overboard!” if you see someone fall off the ship. (They never told us what to yell if we saw a woman fall overboard, so I think you’re supposed to keep quiet and go about your business.)

As usual, making new friends was the highlight of our voyage, and on this outing we were lucky enough to hook up with a great couple from Napa, California. We frequently drank and dined with the lovely and talented Arleen Griess and her brilliant husband Warren. They quickly became our valued ship-mates and thanks to them, we had a roaring good time each and every day. (They actually laughed at a few of my dumb jokes!) We haven’t been in touch since they’ve been home, but that’s only because they have jet lag and are still digesting all of the caviar and steak they consumed. (Yeah, they also had their share of grilled octopus!)

Next week I shall cover some of our adventures in Kavala (Greece), Bodrum (Turkey), and the idyllic isles of Santorini and Mykonos. (I will try to include some semi-nude photos, but I can’t promise anything!) Incidentally, would you believe that the temperatures in Greece and Turkey were more pleasant than here in Texas? We came home to temperatures of 107, 105, and 104. How hot was it here in Austin? The dang cows began to give evaporated milk! (Should I have gone with chickens laying hard-boiled eggs?) In any case, it was hot. (I saw fire ants carrying their own canteens!) Should I have gone with scorpions having their own Kool-Aid stand?

Well, that’s enough heat jokes for now. Needless to say, it’s great to be home (regardless of the weather) and I look forward to opening several stacks of mail. (Yeah, right.) God willing, we shall chat again next week. (If I don’t melt first!) Take care and have a wonderful week. And don’t forget to hydrate. (You’ll notice I didn’t mention water!) Cheers…..

Doc Yanoff (Photos attached)

Well, fellow travelers, when last we communicated yours truly was endearing himself to the Navajo Nation adjacent to majestic Lake Powell, Arizona. (Named after Major John Wesley Powell, who was the leader of two expeditions to the area in 1869 and 1872.) Worthy accomplishments, but as a comparison, almost 30 years AFTER John C. Fremont explored the area! (Which is why my new book refers to Fremont as “The Wonder of the West.)

In any case, we arrived on the rocky shores of the lake on Monday, April 8, just in time to observe some sort of solar eclipse. (Which you might have heard of?) To be perfectly honest, the eclipse was not overly impressive from our vantage point, so we sipped a little of the local tequila and then took a peaceful siesta on the porch.

, The following day, we got up early (way too early) and spent the morning rafting the Colorado River, which was a real treat. After I woke up (halfway down the river) I saw some stunning scenery and some very old Indian petrography. The images we saw were roughly 9,000 years old. I was tempted to make a few corrections on the buffalo images, but I thought it best not to alter the overall concept.

Our next stop was Kanab, Utah, which hosted an elaborate “cowboy barbecue” for our group. Utah is a lovely state, and we were fortunate enough to see one of the state’s most precious sites, Bryce Canyon National Park. We stayed in a quaint lodge and tried to absorb all of the natural beauty of the place, but to be honest, you would need at least a week to walk around the trails. (My wife started to complain about carrying all of our outdoor gear the moment she came to the first mountain! I asked her if I should rent one of the jackasses, but she said that one was enough.)

The next day was spent at my favorite stop, Zion National Park, which has to be one of the most spectacular places on earth. Almost beyond description. Even the lodge was nice, and the food surprisingly good. I could have stayed in the valley for several days, but we were scheduled to be in Las Vegas, so we bid a fond farewell to our the park and headed for Sin City.

I am tempted to share my Las Vegas tales, but you know what they say…. what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. (Including most of my money!) Gambling, as you may have heard, is a great way of getting nothing for something. Well, I’ve certainly learned my lesson. No more gambling for me! I’m serious! I’ll never gamble again! Wanna bet?

All in all, it was a marvelous trip and we made a lot of new friends. Our next outing, which should be even more relaxing, is a trip down to lovely St. John, in the American Virgin Islands. We will be staying in a bay-front villa with our dear cohorts, The Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee. Needless to say, I am looking forward to a great week of snorkeling and rum intoxication.

Just for the record, sales of my new history book, titled, WONDER OF THE WEST, have been quite good, so if you’re looking for a great summer read check it out on Amazon.com

Until we meet again, stay happy and healthy…. and don’t forget to drink plenty of water!

Love to all, Doc Yanoff

We interrupt the regularly scheduled programming (i.e. my blog post) to bring you a (semi) important literary announcement…..

My new historical masterpiece, titled, WONDER OF THE WEST (The Adventurous Life of John C. Fremont) has recently been published and is now available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble. com, Kindle, Nook, and leading bookstores across the country!

If you love American history, you will love this new book, which has already received critical acclaim from several major newspapers.

If you scroll down, you will see what the front and back covers look like. Thank you for your continued support. Happy reading!

— Doc Yanoff

Well, me buckos, when last we spoke yours truly was sailing through the Lesser Antilles. (Not to be confused with my Aunt Tilly, who was recently on a diet.) Our second week aboard the lovely ship Grandeur of the Seas began with a drill. We were told to report to our muster stations, but I thought the announcer said “mustard station,” so I went to the kitchen. Nobody was there, so I went outside where one of the officers was explaining that if we saw someone fall overboard we were supposed to shout, “Man overboard!” I think if a woman falls overboard you’re supposed to keep quiet, but I’m not sure about that.

In any case, our next stop was Grenada, which was a lovely surprise. The island is lush (like me from time to time) and the residents quite friendly. We anchored at St. Georges and then Patty and I were driven to a fantastic beach resort called Silversands. (The resort has a 330 foot long swimming pool and a 700 foot beach on Grand Anse Beach!) The highlight of the day (and night!) was the 3 pound Caribbean lobster they served (grilled) for lunch. OMG, what a feast.

The next port of call was Castries, St. Lucia, which I have been to a number of times, but still enjoy quite a bit. After a day at Cane Gardens Beach Club, we drove into town and made some book store stops to sign copies of my last Adam Gold Mystery, titled, DEAD ENDING. While we were on the island, one of my old admirers, an exotic dancer named Ima Willing, offered to buy me some new clothes! (at least I think that’s why she was trying to reach me. She said something about a paternity suit.)

By the way, do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

Next stop was Gustavia, St. Barts, where we attended an annual parade celebrating the creation of “French kissing,” and then we hopped aboard a catamaran and sailed around the island for a swim at Colombier Beach, located on the northwestern part of the island. Bathing suits were optional, but since the crew was French I decided to keep my suit on. (Hey, I’m not judging. Just saying.)

Final stop was one of my favorites, Road Town, Tortola. Nice port and we were able to sail over to Virgin Gorda for a swim at the Baths. (The Baths are a collection of massive granite boulders that are piled up along a lovely sandy beach.) The boulders are now part of a National Park, and a lot of sailors drop anchor in nearby Devil’s Bay to watch the tourists hit their heads on the low-hanging rocks that are everywhere! (My head is still bruised!)

All in all, it was another fabulous adventure, and the best part (as always) was making new friends and spreading the word about my books. Our next (officially booked) tour will be in April, when we visit most of the canyons out west and then make a guest appearance in Scottsdale and Las Vegas. I’m really looking forward to that trip, as I truly believe the our country is still the most beautiful on earth. Which reminds me, for those of you that have inquired, our trip to the Middle East has been postponed. As you might know, my new agent, Myron Putz, tried to arrange an extended trip to that region. We were supposed to tour Cairo, but that place sphinx. Then it was off to a place called Guitar, but there were too many strings attached. Finally, we were supposed to visit Dubai and Abu Dhabi. (Do you know the difference between those places? People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but… people from Abu Dhabi do!) Ouch!

Well, my dear friends, on that note I shall take my leave. Today is Patty’s birthday and I promised to buy her some rings. Consequently, we are off to Hooters to buy some onion rings. (Hey, you can’t eat a diamond!) Take care and have a great week,

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

WELL… Thanks to my industrious literary publicist, Myron “Meshuggana” Moskowitz, I recently completed an 11-day Caribbean cruise/book signing tour, and I am happy to report that all went well. Myron was good enough to book us on a lovely new ship (owned and operated by Regent Cruises), which was called the S.S. Grandeur. (Based upon the age of my fellow cruisers, the “S.S.” might stand for Social Security!) Still, we met a lot of fantastic folks and made plenty of new friends. Our ship was really expensive. (Stowaways were charged three thousand dollars!) One day we passed a tramp steamer. (I thought the ladies looked swell, but my wife wouldn’t let me talk to them!) In any case, we had a great time and nobody got seasick. (When you get seasickness the first day you think you’re going to die, and the second day you’re afraid you won’t!)

Our first port of call was Aruba. We docked in Oranjestad and were then transported to a remote island to do some snorkeling. The conditions were decent, but it was a little windy, so we spent a lot of time telling whoppers on the catamaran. (While consuming a fair quantity of good rum.) Aruba has a Dutch heritage, so it has some interesting architectural features. (but no dikes) Nowadays, the place is a haven for tourists from the U.S., who are instantly recognizable by their sunburns.

Day two found us in picturesque Willeamstad, the capital city of Curacao. You might associate this lovely island with the multi-colored homes that line the pier. On this special day, we were invited to join two of our fabulous shipmates (Edgar and Julie Berner) for a day of sun and fun at the Marriott Resort Hotel, a beautiful place with a great beach. (The water was the warmest of the entire voyage, and great for all sorts of swimming activities.) We got to know Edgar (a highly successful clothing retailer in San Diego) and his charming wife, Julie, and they quickly became our new best friends aboard ship. Edgar is something of a legend in California, and I might insert him in my next Adam Gold Mystery. (If he comes across with the necessary funds!)

The third day was spent in Kralendijk, the capital city of Bonaire, which has to be one of the great snorkeling spots on earth. Most of us dive-types went out to Klein Bonaire, a small island off the mainland, known for its crystal clear waters and abundant sea-life. (Bonaire also has a Dutch influence, and is quite pretty in its own right.)

I shall, with your permission, cover the remaining islands next week. However, I should mention that almost everyone we met (on all of the islands) were exceedingly friendly and gracious. A little respect for the locals goes a long way toward assuring a pleasant visit, and mixed with the proper amount of rum, you will be assured of a memorable day. (or night!) Now, lest I forget, I would like to mention that my last book presentation (sponsored by the Lakeway Women’s Association) was a tremendous success, and I made a lot of new friends, and sold a ton of books. (I spoke about my new Adam Gold book, titled, DEAD ENDING.) What a fabulous group of ladies! I would like to thank Judith Baer, Rosie Rabin, and the rest of this fine group for arranging a very enjoyable day. I look forward to our next meeting!

Incidentally, my next history masterpiece, titled, WONDER OF THE WEST, is now at the publisher and is undergoing some final alterations and editing. Hopefully, this monumental task will be completed by the end of March, so be prepared for another thrilling block-buster! (This one deals with John Charles Fremont, the American “pathfinder,” who led a remarkable life during the 1800’s.) I shall, as they say, keep you apprised of my progress, or lack thereof.

By the way, if you’re interested in a great cruise voyage, you should check out the S.S. Grandeur. This was really a classy vessel. (The smokestacks had filter tips!) Each passenger got their own life-preserver, and I ended up with a cherry-flavored one. I’d tell you a couple of more terrible boat-jokes, but I’m feeling a little “dinghy!” All right, time to abandon ship…..

Have a marvelous week and keep smiling….. Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

  Should old acquaintance really be forgot? Well, I say it depends on the old acquaintance. Let’s face it, some people are worth forgetting. Like my former accountant/massager Harry “Sticky Fingers” Fishbaum, who advised me to open my own bank in the Bahamas. (He only dated bank tellers, because he practiced “safe sex.”) I knew I was in trouble when Harry asked if I knew anything about plea bargaining. The old rascal was famous for his accounts deceivable, if you catch my drift. The poor guy end up in a fancy tax shelter — Leavenworth!

  Anyway, I hope y’all had a Happy Hanukkah or a Merry Christmas, and got plenty of wonderful gifts. Our best gift this year was the arrival of our fifth grand-child, Luke Barlin. (aka, Burping Barlin.) I might start calling him Cool Hand Luke, but “Leaking Luke” would probably be more appropriate… if you know what I mean!

  For those of you who enjoy following my illustrious literary career, please note that my new non-fiction masterpiece, WONDER OF THE WEST, will be hitting the bookstores in late March or early April of 2024. If this one doesn’t win the Pulitzer Prize, then there is no justice, and I want my bribe money back. Hey, it’s money well spent. Besides, as my grandpa used to say, anything worth winning is worth cheating for.

  Speaking of prizes, my literary lecture at the Lakeway Women’s Club has been re-scheduled for Wednesday, January 24, 2024. If you’re in the area, drop by and pick up an autographed copy of my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled, DEAD ENDING. (A recent winner at the Paris Book Festival.) This tale is set in Texas, which you will find quite interesting… and somewhat amusing!)

  So, have you made any New Year Resolutions? (In South America they make New Year Revolutions!) Did you know that the practice of making resolutions began with the Babylonians as early as 2600 B.C.? 

  I don’t know why baby lonians were allowed to stay up so late. You’d think the adults would have handled this chore. In any case, some will use this day for turning over a new leaf. (For me, it would be more like a new tree!) However, this year I intend to be more generous and allow my wife to have some much-needed facial surgery. (My wife mentioned a face-lift, but I told her that there was probably another one just like it underneath!) Instead of a face-lift, wouldn’t it be easier to just lower her body? Just saying.

  Well, as you can imagine, my wife is now searching for some ammunition, so I must hide, I mean, take my leave. I do hope that everyone has a healthy and happy New Year, and I look forward to chatting with you in 2024. (assuming I find a good place to hide.) If you’re not too busy, you can scroll down and take a look at some photographs from 2023. 

  Love to all……

  Doc Yanoff