Well, I told you those rumors about my demise were greatly exaggerated! I was missing in action because I had to deal with a bout of Cedar Fever, which is a misnomer (or more correctly a “mis-namer”) since it is actually caused by Ashe Juniper and does not produce a fever. It does, however, produce a prolonged period of complete nasal annoyance. Luckily I have an amazing constitution. (And a very healthy Declaration of Independence, too!) Thus, I have literally leapt from my sick bed to be here this morning. (Why do they refer to it as a “sick bed?” There was absolutely nothing wrong with my mattress.)
In any case, I trust you had a wonderful New Year’s Eve. We were lucky enough to spend the evening with some dear friends at the home of Jaime and Gary Rubenstein. The menu du jour included filet mignon and lobster tails, accompanied by all sorts of delicious goodies, and some excellent wines. We all appreciate the great food and lively conversation, hallmarks of another special evening provided by our generous hosts!
And speaking of hallmarks, the fine folks at WordPress (the company that provides this blog site) have recently published the 2017 stats for all of their thousands of customers….. and once again…. thanks to you….. our blog is ranked in the TOP 5% OF ALL U.S. BLOG SITES! We closed the year with over 60,000 followers, and next year promises to be even better! I cannot thank you enough for your support and encouragement!
Tomorrow we are off for our annual “Shameless Caribbean Book Tour & Rum Guzzling Festival.” Thanks to my recently paroled publicist, Black Bart Berkowitz, we will be promoting our books at the following locations this year….. January 15 @ Books & Books on Grand Cayman, January 18 @ Lighthouse Book Store in French Harbor, Honduras, January 19 @ Rio Dulce Books in Santo Thomas, Guatemala, and a final stop at Key West Island Bookstore (on Fleming Street) on January 22nd.
If you find yourself anywhere near these stores, please stop by and say hello. (And if you BEG me for an autograph in front of the store owner, I will send you a paper bag full of pesos whence I return to America.) We are also bringing several cases of books (THE SECOND MOURNING and TURBULENT TIMES) to donate to schools in Guatemala. Hopefully, these books will shed some light on our amazing history, and provide a flattering look at some of our past political figures. By the way, just to show you what a truly incredible person I am, we will not be selling any of these books to the residents. (However…. we will be accepting priceless antiquities from any period, as well as jade and emeralds.) God, they just don’t make guys like me any more!
Between stops in Florida and the Caribbean, we should be gone about 3 weeks, which will be plenty of time for someone to rob us blind. I should mention that our house will not be completely vacant during our absence. My nephew, currently serving as a sniper in the IDF, will be house-sitting. Best to knock loudly if you visit while we’re gone, and don’t wear anything that might look like a kefflyeh. (My nephew is a little trigger happy.) You know, now that I think about it, this might be a good time to increase my homeowner’s policy limit!
Well, dear friends, I must leave thee now. Time to pack up the old suitcases and then have the wife carry those heavy suckers outside. I hope she takes her time this year and doesn’t scratch the bed of my pick-up truck. Women are awfully unpredictable nowadays. Last year she demanded a tip! (I told her to marry a younger man next time!) God, is she lucky to have me, or what? (You know, I could have gone with the “old bag jokes,” so don’t complain