HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS HEADLINE? (I thought I would give you something to “chew on!”)
Well, it has been quite a busy week here in the Capitol. On Wednesday I dined with the Quails of Indiana, On Thursday I had lunch with our new trade representative to Japan, On Friday I helped Mrs. Clinton move out of her office, and today, I find myself alienating our amigos south of the border. I thought I would get a medal coming to Mexico, but instead they gave me a bodyguard named Juan. Great guy. Actually, “Juan in a million.”
As you might know, I am sailing aboard the Good Ship Lollipop (with a bunch of “suckers”) looking for Cortez’s lost City of Gold. (Or Cozumel, whichever we reach first.) For a while it looked like we wouldn’t reach either place. We were supposed to stop for fuel in San Salvador, or El Savador, or Salvador Dali, but the local Indian tribe was on the warpath, so to speak, and we had to keep sailing. (The Indians, who are a tribe of ferocious cannibals, kidnapped a missionary and ate the poor fellow!) Well, at least they got their first taste of religion.
We have been making very poor time so far, but I still have complete faith in our captain, Ronaldo Ronzoni, as he recently worked for some major cruise line in Italy. (I believe it was Costa Cruises.) Anyway, we were going a little slow, but then El Capitan gave the order to lift the anchor, so now we are moving along at a brisk clip of 3o to 50 miles per hour. KNOT! (Actually, 3 to 5 miles per hour.)
We did have some difficulty getting through the Panama Canal, but the captain wisely detached the life boats, so now we have more buoyancy. I just noticed that he also jettisoned some orange vests, which should also help. What a guy that Ronaldo is!
Unless we get boarded by pirates, we plan to make landfall in a day or two, probably in Belize or Honduras, whichever allows us to make port. By the way, the ship is simply fantastic. (We are sailing upon The Titanic II, a name which I do not care for personally.) However, my shipmates and fellow explorers are fine with the name.
My bunk mate is a guy named Tito from Nicaragua. He married a gal named Lupe, who is a rum maker, but he loves her still. (Her still?) Nevermind, Tito didn’t laugh either. The food has been memorable. (Who can forget food poisoning?) We are, of course, playing a lot of poker. In fact, the first tournament is beginning in about an hour, so I must leave you now.
Did you hear about the puppy that gave birth beside the highway? (She got a ticket for “littering!) Tito liked that one. He laughed so hard his tooth almost came out. Poor guy grew up in Arkansas. (No dentists.)
Well, look for my next message in a bottle, or online. I shall keep you informed of my progress as we head toward Central and South America. Until then, mates, shiver my timbers and watch out for pirates! (Incidentally, did you know that well-dressed pirates only wear a certain designer? Arrgh-mani!
Love to all…..