HELP! THE PARANOIDS ARE AFTER ME!

I spotted this sign during the World Series, which thankfully, the Houston Astros won.  After going through Hurricane Harvey, the city needed some good news, and right on cue, the man upstairs delivered.  (No, not George Steinbrenner, the OTHER boss!)  Way to go, Houston!

Well, Ethel Merman was right, there’s no business like show business.  (Human trafficking comes close!)  Another day, another harassment scandal.  If those Hollywood clowns were married they wouldn’t have to think about romance or sex.  Whenever I get frisky, my wife says, “Don’t even think about it!”  Luckily for me, she has a great meatloaf recipe.  (Shows where my priorities are!)

Did you know that Marcel Marceau was invited to the Oscar Ceremony but not allowed to perform?  If you ask me, a mime is a terrible thing to waste!

I think we can all agree that America has sex on the brain, and if you’ve renewed your driver’s license lately you know what I mean.  I was shocked, shocked I say, by all of the sexually suggestive road signs that I had to identify on the written test.  Think about those signs:  “Yield”  “Stop”  “One Way”  “No U-Turn”  “No Passing On Shoulder”  and my personal favorite, “Slippery When Wet!”  The girl sitting next to me asked me for a cigarette after she took the test!  (I just hope she doesn’t get pregnant!)

The driving test was even more erotic.  My instructor (a hot babe) asked if I was ready to go parking!  I told her that I was married, but she insisted that we drive to a deserted street, and when we got there, she asked if I was ready to pull into a tight spot!  I told her that I wasn’t born yesterday.  (Which should have been obvious)  Anyway, I got a passing grade, but I’m still calling Gloria All-Dread.

So what else is new?  America’s favorite mystery writer (me) will be buzzing around the Texas Book Festival this weekend, so if you’re in Austin, give me a call and I’ll be happy to autograph some books for you or your significant others.  (The book is free, but I charge $19.95 for the autograph!)  By the way, don’t forget about Daylight Savings Time.  Remember to “fall backward” and “spring ahead,” or something like that.  When you wake up on Sunday, it will actually be Monday, (I think) and you will have to go to work.  Fortunately, I don’t have a job, so none of this concerns me.

You know, at my age, I finally realize that I don’t need fun to have alcohol.  What a blessing.

Incidentally, my new history book, TURBULENT TIMES (The Remarkable Life of William H. Seward) has been chosen as a “Finalist” in two more prominent book contests, but alas, I am not at liberty to mention the names of the contests until the list becomes public.  These two prestigious contests offer gold, silver, and bronze medals (and a sizable check), so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.  And thanks again for all of your continued support!

In closing, I am proud to announce that my two-year-old granddaughter, Goldie Delilah, recently graduated (with honors) from the Texas A & M School of Infantile Veterinarian Medicine.  (A scholastic program for children and immature adults.)  I have taken the liberty of posting a few photographs that were taken at her graduation ceremony.  Needless to say, we are very proud of little Goldie.

Have a safe and joyful week, and love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “HELP! THE PARANOIDS ARE AFTER ME!

  1. Glenn Fitzgerald

    Very cute, granddaughter, not you!

  2. Oh my, that Goldie is a doll! So cute looking after the health of Baker and White Kitty! 😍

    >

  3. Love the pics and you’re weekly blog has me laughing out loud!

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s