HOW CAN I TELL? Well, for one thing it was 91 degrees yesterday, and today might be even hotter! How hot could it be today? Well, let’s see….. I just saw a fire ant complaining about the weather! Another mound of ants just opened a Kool-Aid stand in my front yard! The rattlesnakes are now carrying canteens! Shall I go on? Oh my, I just saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog! (All right, I had to get that last one in!) Enough with the heat jokes. Mind you, I’m not complaining. I actually LOVE hot weather. (Keeps the riff raff off the golf course!)

So, what else is new? Well, speaking of riff raff, I recently won a major literary award. No, not the National Book Award, something more important. The (very kind) judges of the 2022 Independent Press Awards have chosen my new history book, GONE BEFORE GLORY (The Life and Tragic Death of William McKinley), as the winner of the “Distinguished Favorite Award!” Along with thousands of dollars in cash, I received a lovely medal and a fancy certificate. (I might also be attending some sort of award ceremony in Santa Fe, but that is t/b/d at a later date.) For now I am quite honored and grateful by this unexpected award.

Incidentally, just a quick reminder….. ALL royalties from the sale of the above book will be donated to the Ukrainian Relief Fund, so order at least 50 books at a time. (O.K., 25 will be enough.)

Last week I had another highly pleasurable experience. (No, not that kind!) I had the honor of speaking to the Lakeway Men’s Breakfast Club, and as usual, it was simply marvelous. This group consists of 85-100 very smart (and well read) individuals who identify as male, and love American history. I spoke for 12 hours (just kidding, one hour) about President McKinley and my new book, and then we had a stimulating Q&A. I would like to publicly thank my esteemed booking agent, Loyd “Early Bird” Smith, for setting up this engagement. Always fun to speak with such a great group of guys.

In case you’re wondering, my new “Adam Gold Mystery,” titled, DEAD ENDING, has been sold for zillions of dollars and will be published in early 2023. (The publisher did not want a new mystery competing against my history book, thus the delay.) Well, you know what they say, good things are worth waiting for. I shall keep you apprised of the situation, lest anything change.

So, check this out… I went to Target yesterday and when I began to pay with my credit card this hot chick working behind the check-out counter says I put the card in wrong. No problem. But then she says, “Strip down, facing me.” I says, “no way.” Then I ran out of the store. Jeez, no wonder they call it the “check-out” counter. (Not that I blame her for ogling me in a lecherous manner. I seem to have that effect on many women. And a few men, too.)

Can somebody explain why my wife keeps washing our bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing. I find that rather confusing. And speaking of confusion, what do you think about Daylight Savings Time ending? Personally, I love that idea. I always hated “falling ahead and springing backward.” When I was a kid, I actually thought that Daylight Savings was the name of a bank. Which reminds me of a lovely bank teller I dated in high school. (I dated a bank teller because I wanted to have “safe sex!”) All right, I’ll skip the deposit jokes.

Last night we enjoyed a fabulous steak dinner with the Princess of Portugal and her browbeaten husband, Baron Lee. They are soon off to the Tulip Festival in Holland, so I’d like to wish them a sincere “Bon Voyage.” My darling wife likes to say that I remind her of her favorite flower… a blooming idiot. By the way, since we are wishing others well, allow me to say Happy Birthday to our mutual travel agent, the lovely and talented Lori Randig, who is celebrating her 29th birthday. (Not sure of that number, but it sounds safe.)

Well, I think that’s about it for me this morning. I must get ready for another thrilling soccer game, as my grand-daughter, “G0-GET ‘EM” Goldie, is playing in another championship game. I only gave her one little tidbit of advice… Please remember that anything worth winning is worth cheating for. (Her mother wants to restrict my visitation rights, but what does she know?)

Sayonara, dear friends. Have a safe and happy week and we shall speak again soon! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff