Actually, it’s “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too,” but that was then (1841) and this is now! Besides, we don’t need another President Tyler, (otherwise we would ask Steven Tyler to run) we need a man of the people! A man who is semi-trustworthy! A man with too much free time! We need… ME! So, my fellow Americans, I have decided to run for President! And why not? Trump is running. Clinton is running. My refrigerator is running. Even my nose is running. (allergies) Verily, I ask that you carefully read my first stump speech (I just cut down a tree) and cast your vote for me in the November contest! Are you ready? Well, here goes nothing…..
“Fellow citizens, these are the times that men try sole, I mean, that try men’s souls. Therefore, I would like to shed some light on the SALUBRIOUS backgrounds of my opponents. In response to an IMPUDENT question, Mr. Trump recently acknowledged that he was, in fact, a HOMO SAPIEN. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Furthermore, he confessed to engaging in HETEROSEXUAL behavior! Just as revolting, if not more so, is Mrs. Clinton, who has frequently engaged in SOCIAL INTERCOURSE, often at dinner parties, surrounded by her admirers! I know this is hard to believe, but Mr. Trump was seen MASTICATING at a crowded REVELRY! Later that evening, according to CNBC, Trump began to EXPOUND on one of his pet projects! Sadly, he then began to GESTICULATE before a group of Girl Scouts. Supposedly, he offered to have a PLATONIC relationship with their leader. I hate to say it, but the man has become a PROPRIETOR! And what about Mrs. Clinton? Did you know that she was once a PROSELYTE? My God, the woman actually wrote a pamphlet about religious SECTS! I understand that her PIETY has led to a MONOGAMOUS relationship and NUPTIAL bliss! Rumors abound that Hillary wanted to be a THESPIAN (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that she was willing to perform in front of a paying customers! Finally, I would remind you that both of my opponents enrolled in college and MATRICULATED on a daily basis! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) I’m no saint, but I hear that my opponents tried to EMULATE one of the professors on campus, and for that they should both be CASTIGATED!
Ladies and gentlemen, I know you must be shocked by these BANAL and MUNDANE accusations, but I can assure you that all of my statements have been completely FABRICATED and are thoroughly FATUOUS.
I thank you for your APATHY and indifference, and remind you to vote early and vote often!
God Bless America, and God help us if I actually win.”
Those of you who wish to support my idiocy, I mean candidacy, are encouraged to send cash (no checks, please) to me ASAP. Any amount is welcome. (Just fold your donation in half and stuff it in a brown envelope.) Next week, God willing, I will lay out my entire platform. Until then, take care and send me some loot!
Love to all,