September 21, 2025

ALPINE ADVENTURES! (Part Two)

I just realized that the word Rhine rhymes with wine, which is just fine. However, on our last river voyage we focused on beer, which turned out to be a very wise choice. Except for one incident… after guzzling a few pints of ale, I inadvertently walked into the ladies room and quickly discovered that the Germans are fixated with certain numbers. Some guy kept yelling, “Nine, nine, nine!” I yelled back, “No, number one!” The guy walked off huffing and puffing, but that’s because he was a sour Kraut.

Our first biergarten adventure was actually in the fun-loving city of Cologne, where all of the semi-inebriated citizens smell awfully good. (Yep, this is where the famous perfume was invented.) One our first night, we sampled 3 different breweries, and from what I remember they were all great. The good folks of Cologne love Kolsch beer and bratwurst, which makes them some of the wisest people on earth. (OMG, does that stuff go down easy!)

After Cologne, we sailed through the beautiful Rhine River Valley and stopped overnight in Koblenz, Rudesheim, and Speyer. Each town had its own unique charm, and a lot more beer to sample. Lest you think that I consumed too much bratwurst, I would like to point out that I also overindulged with an absurd amount of wienerschnitzel and sauerbraten. One evening I drank a little too much schnapps and couldn’t find my own wienerschnitzel, but that’s a long story.

The last leg of our voyage brought us to Strasbourg, France, and then it was off to Basel, Switzerland for a death-defying ride through the mountain passes of the Swiss and Italian Alps. Our guide, whose name was Heidi, was quite knowledgeable, but hard to understand. (She kept yodeling every time she saw one of her relatives or a herd of sheep.) Our lovely Swiss Miss told us that we were traveling across peaks that were 16,000 feet high! Don’t ask me how Hannibal (the Carthaginian general, not the cannibal) marched his army and a herd of elephants across the Alps. The poor pachyderms must have worn special snow shoes. (Which they packed in their “trunks” no doubt!)

Whence we crossed the Alps, we visited the Italian Lake District and spent a few glorious days exploring Lakes Maggiore, Garda, and Orta. (We skipped Lake Como because George Clooney wasn’t available for lunch.) One of the more interesting stops was a visit to the Monastery of San Giulio on Lake Orta. The monastery is home to 70 nuns who have taken a vow of silence and spend their days in quiet reflection and prayer. (No offense, but I can’t imagine 70 women being silent for any length of time. They must use sign language or something.) My wife has a funny sense of humor. She asked one of the nuns if I could join their order. (She said no. Well, actually she just shook her head.)

In closing, I would like to reiterate something I’ve said before….. the best part of any trip is meeting other folks from around the county. On this occasion we were lucky enough to meet some wonderful couples, including Greg and Joyce from Ohio, Diane and Nick from Pennsylvania, John and Sarah from Virginia, and Deb and Jennifer, from PA and South Carolina. All of these charming people made our trip an event to be remembered!

Next week I shall have some FASCINATING literary news to share, so be here or be there. Until we meet again, I wish you a salubrious and fun-filled week! Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S. I have attached some photos for your viewing enjoyment!

September 7, 2025

DUTCH TREAT!

Greetings from the Netherlands, a/k/a Holland, where 26% of the country is below sea level! Fortunately, most of it is at eye-level, and boy did I get an eyeful. Yours truly, and his faithful travel companion, recently returned from several weeks in Europe. We began our latest adventure in the bicycle-crazy city of Amsterdam, but that wasn’t the only damn thing we saw. When you go to Holland, you might rub elbows with Rotterdam, Westerdam, Oosterdam, Zuiderdam, and Volendam. But don’t bother looking for Potsdam or Hoover Dam. On this particular outing, we sailed aboard the Viking Sigrun, an impressive longship. Most of the voyage took place on the Rhine River, which is quite lovely this time of year.

As I mentioned, we fly into Amsterdam, which is an interesting city, overrun with death-defying bicyclists. (They defy you to cross the street without being run over!) We had the pleasure of staying at the Pulitzer Hotel, which is named after Peter Pulitzer, the grandson of Joseph Pulitzer, the founder of the literary award that I expect to win one of these days. (To improve my chances, I left a book in the men’s room and service elevator.)

The city of Amsterdam is known for many things (some of them legal) and we had no trouble seeing the most famous sites. Our hotel was just down the street from the Anne Frank House and an easy walk to many of the museums. The most famous museum in town is the Van Gogh Museum, which we tried to go to, but couldn’t find. Apparently, the painter moved around a lot. (He was probably a “moving Van.”) I kept asking people, “where did Van go?” Nobody seemed to know, which was rather “ear-ritating.” (Should I have “cut” that joke?)

Overall, I think we spent our time wisely. My wife went to a store that sold kitchenware. (She never showed me the pot she bought, but she was giggling about her purchase all afternoon.) I was interested in purchasing a lamp, so I went to the Red Light District, which had some very unusual window displays and a VERY friendly staff. I didn’t buy anything, but I did get a shot of whiskey and penicillin. (Better safe than sorry!)

After several fun-filled days in Amsterdam, we sailed down to the quaint village of Kinderdijk, the self-proclaimed “Windmill Capital” of the Netherlands. Being a semi-famous author, I was reminded of my favorite novel, written by Miguel de Cervantes. Naturally, I’m referring to the timeless classic DAN COYOTE, the marvelous tale of a Spanish Knight-errant and his faithful sidekick, Sancho Panda. What a memorable book.

The remainder of my voyage will be discussed ad nauseam in future blogs, so if you find this post elucidating (or hallucinating) please tune in next Sunday, whence I will continue bloviating about our other port stops. Trust me, you will not want to miss a single word. (maybe a few sentences, but no words.)

Incidentally, not to brag, but my new history book, WONDER OF THE WEST, was recently chosen as the “Best U.S. History Book of 2025” by the judges of the Hollywood Book Festival. The First Prize Award is financially staggering, but more importantly I get to attend a gala dinner in N.Y.C. (Why they chose New York instead of Los Angeles is a mystery.) In any case, I might attend the awards ceremony if I can find my old bullet-proof vest.

By the way, speaking of steak dinners….. Do you know what they call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) Do you know what they call a cow with no ears? (Nothing, they can’t hear!)

Well, I think it’s time to MOO-ve on, so please take care and keep smiling. If you would like to see some photographs of my recent voyage, please scroll down. Love to all!

Doc Yanoff

September 22, 2024

MEDITERRANEAN MEANDERING! (Final Chapter)

Do you realize that it has taken three blog posts to fully describe my recent voyage? Would you like to know why? No, not because I’m verbose! Because the Mediterranean Sea is so darn big. How big, you ask? Well, it’s surrounded by 22 countries and has a coastline of almost 29,000 miles! (Which, by the way, is longer than the distance around the Earth. Which is 24, 901 miles.)

So, just to finish our last nautical summary, we left Turkey and set sail for the enchanting (and expensive) islands of Santorini, Mykonos, Crete, and Symi. (My personal favorite) Amazingly, there were no cruise ships in port, so we pretty much had the islands to ourself. I even swam topless. Santorini has the best views, Mykonos the prettiest jewelry, Crete the most beaches and wonderful olive oil, and Symi is the perfect place to relax and enjoy the beauty of Greece. We drove all over Crete, which is about 160 miles long, and were simply amazed by how lovely the island looked. (Get this, there are over 30 million olive trees on Crete!) By and large, the Cretans (yes, that’s what they’re called) are super friendly and love American tourists. After a few more islands, it was back to Athens, which is one of my favorite cities to explore. The locals seemed to understand each other, but it was Greek to me.

I’m grateful that the weather and waves were incredibly calm, but after two weeks at sea it was nice to get back on terra firma. (which sounds like the name of a small Italian village, non e vero?) So, now that I’m back in the saddle, what else is new? Well, as you may have heard, my new historical masterpiece, titled, WONDER OF THE WEST, recently won the silver medal for “Best U.S. History Book of 2024” at the New York Book Festival. We are toying with the idea of attending the awards ceremony, but first we have to purchase a couple of bulletproof vests and a small thermonuclear device. Better safe than sorry, right?

Before I forget, I’d like to thank my good friend (and unofficial publicist) Loyd Smith for arranging for me to speak at the Lakeway Men’s Club last week. Turn out was great, and I sold every book I had! I love to speak at this club, which is comprised of some great and intelligent folks. The topic of my presentation was John C. Fremont, and we had some great questions during the Q&A session. Thanks again to Loyd and Tom Cain for setting this up.

Well, I think I’m off to Bass Pro Shops. I thought I might take a look at some fishing rods. (I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.) The last time I went shopping there, I couldn’t find any camouflage clothing. I looked everywhere, but no dice. Go figure.

Today I shall leave you with a riddle (compliments of Loyd Smith): How do lawyers sleep? Answer: They lie on one side, then the other side! Amen, brothers and sisters. Take care and have a felicific week. (I’m afraid you’ll have to look up that word!)

Love to all, Doc Yanoff

**** PHOTOS ATTACHED ****