DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!

WOW, did you folks catch a glimpse of that flaming asteroid that streaked by earth last weekend?  When it entered the earth’s atmosphere it broke into smaller pieces called hemorroids.  (I think that’s what they’re called.)  They are small, but dangerous and can be a real “pain in the butt.”  The smallest particles are very photogenic, and are known as polaroids.  I don’t know about you, but I love to gaze at heavenly bodies with my telescope.  (No, I don’t mean the neighbors.)  If you’e wondering how I know so much about astrology, it’s because I wanted to be an astronut when I was a young whipper-snapper.  In fact,  I went to college on a NASA scholarship.  Well, actually I was just taking up space, but you get the idea.

Hey, do you think an astronomer is the same thing as a night watchman?

Anyway, there are billions of asteroids in the solar system, so don’t worry if you missed the last dazzling show.  Did you know that the chance of asteroids colliding is roughly equivalent to winning the lottery every day for a week?  Strange, but true!  Of course, if an asteroid of any size does hit the earth, the results could prove fatal.  Just ask Fred Flintstone.  A big sucker hit our planet 65 million years ago, and contributed to the extinction of the dinosaurs!  (Although some think it was an STD.)

Since I live in Austin, I can tell you one thing…..  The stars at night are big and bright.  Deep in the heart of Texas.  The prairie sky…   Never mind, you get the picture.  Speaking of stars…..  my new book, THE SECOND MOURNING, recently received the equivalent of a 5-STAR review from Kirkus Book Reviews, the world’s largest book reviewer!  The critics were very kind, referring to my modest masterpiece as “An immensely readable narrative.”  They also said I was funny and handsome.  (All right, I made that last part up, but my mother thinks I’m nice.)

Sad about Joan Rivers.  Not a huge fan, but I did appreciate the fact that she spent her entire life making others laugh and smile.  I’ve been thinking about cremation this week, and although I am going to seek a traditional burial, I do have to admit that cremation would be my last chance to have a hot, smokin’ body!

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”  (Not exactly relevant, but I wanted to add some class to this blog post!)

Finally, some breaking news…..  I recently put the finishing touches on the fourth “Adam Gold Mystery,” which is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  I am happy to report that my publishers, Murder Ink Press/Penguin Books, loved the story and are hard at work designing an appropriate book cover!  Incidentally, the original cover concept was the work of my good friend, Vicki Kaufman, owner of Blue Heron Design Studio.  If you ever need any graphic designs, she’s the gal for you!  (She lives in Cedar Park, Texas.)

In closing, I would like to confirm the rumors that I will be at a book signing in Georgetown next week.  I’m not sure of the time and place, but I will post both as soon as I learn the details.  (Just keep the entire week open, OK?)  And remember, my dear friends, don’t take life so seriously.  It’s not like you’re going to get out alive!

Have a safe and joyous week!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  We wish a safe and wonderful voyage to our loyal blog followers, The Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee!  Bring me back a croissant!

 

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PROMISES, PROMISES!

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of participating in a charity poker tournament intended to raise funds for Africa’s Promise Village, a marvelous organization dedicated to providing clean (disease free) water and a good education to the children of Tanzania.  (As well as orphans throughout Africa.)  I am delighted to report that thousands of dollars were raised in this effort, and I would like to publicly acknowledged our tournament director, my good friend, Rich Walker.  Well done, Ricardo!  I didn’t win the safari trip, but I did get two tickets to the Bronx Zoo.  (The one BEHIND the bars!)

On Wednesday, the Princess of Portugal, and her distinguished husband, Baron Lee, kept a promise to me and hosted a gala lobster festival at their mansion in Round Rock.  Guests consumed an inordinate amount of crustacean meat, grilled corn, roasted potatoes, and several gallons of fine wine.  (All wine is fine with me!)  The evening was a complete success, and now I have some new tails, I mean tales, to share with my blog followers.  Do you think my hosts were trying to “butter me up?”  Hmm.

Speaking of promising events…..  the Darrell K. Royal Research Fund is raising money to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease, and you can help by contributing some moolah.  Mr. Chris Cutrone is doing his part (and then some) by serving on the Legacy Council.  (Chris is the son of the beautiful and talented Pat Cutrone, one of my charming friends from Austin.)      Chris’s father, Lee Cutrone Jr., one of the finest men I’ve ever met, was stricken with the disease at the age of 57.  If you can help, please contact Chris at the following address:

http://www.dkrfund.org/legacy-chris-cutrone.cfm

***  If you contribute $100 or more I will send you a FREE, autographed copy of one of my brilliant mystery novels!  As we say in Brooklyn, this is an offer you can’t refuse!

Since we’re on the subject of beautiful and talented women, I would like you to know that my wife is now taking dance lessons!  Her instructor is from Wausau, Poland, which is quite fitting.  (She wants to become a “pole dancer.”)  I would be a great dancer, except for two things.  My feet.  I’m not sure why my wife loves pole dancing, but it might have something to do with her first boyfriend, who was a fireman.  (Hey, just be grateful that I didn’t refer to him as an “old flame!”)

I’m scheduled to do a television interview later this week, which means that I’ll have to get all cleaned up and look presentable.  I hate grooming on a Sunday.  You brush your teeth, take a shower, shave, comb your hair, and one month later you have to start all over again.  Life ain’t fair.  If the interview proceeds according to plan, we will be discussing my non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  I’ll let you know when and where it will be shown.

Did you hear that they are now selling Italian ISIS in New York?  (Ouch!)

I inadvertently rented a Jewish porno film last night.  (One minute of sex, followed by 29 minutes of guilt!)  Oy vey, what do you say, take that ball, down the other way!  This was the one and only football cheer that I created for the Yeshiva University Football Team.  I don’t think they ever used it, but only because they had no team.  Who knew?

Well, my dear friends, thanks for your continued support and encouragement.  Have a safe and happy week and we will meet again next Sunday.  Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

THE ICEMAN COMETH!

Have any of you folks taken that darn “Ice Bucket Challenge?”  Well, I just did, and it did not end well.  I thought it be funny to check the “Bucket Challenge” off of my “Bucket List,” but I wound up in trouble with the law.  Would you believe that I got arrested for water-boarding myself?  I refused to press charges against myself, but I still received a summons.  Incredibly, the summons was for watering myself during the drought.  We can only water on even-numbered days during the present drought, which is actually odd.  Who knew?

On a lighter note (7lbs. 14 oz.) baby Olivia Hogan made her grand entrance last Wednesday, and I am happy to report that baby, mother, and dad, are all doing fine!  What a gorgeous baby girl, and brilliant, too.  When I walked into the maturity ward, I found the little darling reading one of my books!  (THE SECOND MOURNING)  I thought it was charming that her grandmother (Judge Susan) is putting her to sleep by reading my book.  I just hope she doesn’t drool on any of the pages.  (Olivia, not Judge Susan.)

Since we’re on the subject of salivating, you don’t have to wait any longer to listen to either one of my highly enjoyable radio interviews!  Both interviews can be found by going to Google and logging onto:   TuneIn.com/Radio/Book-Club-p189823    The first interview covers DEVIL’S COVE, my third “Adam Gold Mystery.”  The second interview covers THE SECOND MOURNING, my non-fiction masterpiece.  Each interview is approximately 30 minutes in length, and I mentioned your name!  (If your last name is Garfield.)

And speaking of proud events….. last Thursday we celebrated Rebecca Yanoff’s 30th birthday, and it was fantastic!  We dined at a wonderful Italian restaurant and drank a couple of bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne.  Our honored guest (Rebecca) looked stunning as always, and from what I hear, she intends to continue celebrating her birthday for at least two more weeks!   (Like father, like daughter!)

Check this out….. Last night (Saturday) I brought my wife to a dance club.  There was this guy showing off on the dance floor – doing cartwheels, back flips, and head stands!  My wife turns to me and says:  “Would you believe that guy proposed to me 25 years ago?”  She goes on to say that she turned him down flat.  I paused, then said, “Looks like he’s still celebrating.”  (I’ll be right back, I need some more ice… )

Wow, I just heard a television reporter ask President Obama to explain his position on beheading.  Mr. Obama said, “Funny you should ask.  I’ll “be heading” to the golf course this morning!”

Well, I must take my leave as I promised my wife that I would drive her to the mall.  She wants to buy an escalator!  (She heard that they were marked “down.”)  Put down that rolling pin, honey!

A final thought for my wonderful blog followers…..  If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either!  I hope this wasn’t a “ruff” way to end my blog!  Until next week, take care, and love to all…..

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STARRY STARRY NIGHT!

Last evening, my new book, THE SECOND MOURNING, received the equivalent of a 5-STAR review from Kirkus Book Reviews!  (One of the most prominent book reviewers in the country!)  They began by referring to the story of President Garfield’s assassination as “a fascinating narrative that covers new ground.”  After a thorough analysis of the entire book, they concluded with another great compliment…..  one that I might add to the back cover…..   “[Yanoff's book] is an immensely readable narrative that portrays the mood and tumultuous events of the day.”

What can I say?  I am humbled and delighted, and this is bound to increase our sales, which are starting to head toward the “best-seller” designation.  Thank you, Kirkus, for the great review!  (By the way, if you would like to read the entire review, just go to Kirkus Reviews and look up the title of the book or my name.)

Speaking of “Starry Starry Nights,” did you know that I once insured Vincent Van Gogh’s masterpiece?  They were having a special show at the New York Museum of Modern Art, and the curator was looking for some extra insurance coverage.  Back then, the painting was estimated to be worth well over $100 million dollars, but by today’s standards, it is truly priceless.

I was very “moved” by the painting.  So was Van Gogh.  Of course, he was sort of a “moving Van.”  The question is, where did Van Gogh?  (Off the deep end.)  What can I say, the man was talented, but “ear-rational.”  (All right, no more ear jokes!)

But since we’re on the subject of humor…..  Here is Part 2 of “Kids Say The Darndest Things.”  These comments were recorded at (I hope you’re sitting down) Harvard University!  A sophomore summer school class was discussing the recent civil unrest in Ferguson, Missouri, and the students had this to say…..

1.  The young man who got killed was severely wounded.  (Undoubtedly.)

2.  I heard that the victim was shot six times.  My friend said it was more like half a dozen times.  (Tough call.)

3.  The percolator should be severely penalized.  (Uh-oh, there’s trouble brewing.)

4.  The case will go to the Grand Jury, and they will decide whether to entice or equip the police officer.  (They might do both.)

And my personal favorite…..

5.  The National Guard was called out to enforce a no-fly zone in the neighborhood.  (Well, some of the protestors did seem high.)

Incidentally, since we’re on the subject of “lofty events,” did you read the newspaper story about the family court judge who issued an eviction notice to her own daughter?  No joke.  The judge’s daughter is VERY pregnant, and in order to “push things along,” the sweet baby, resting comfortably in the womb, was issued (in absentia) an eviction notice!!  There was no mention of the baby girl’s reaction, but I would be willing to bet that she will be kicking and screaming when she makes her grand entrance!

Well, it is time for me to make my not-so-grand exit.  (Pancakes on the griddle!)  Before I leave, I would like to mention that today’s blog is dedicated to a delightful gentleman named Marvin Rubenstein.  Mr. Rubenstein recently passed away, but he gave the world 96 years of joy and laughter.  He will be missed by many.

I hope you all have a wonderful week.  Be safe and keep smiling… love to all.

Doc Yanoff

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN…..

NOT MY STOCK PORTFOLIO, ELVIS PRESLEY!  Can you believe that yesterday marked the 37th anniversary of the King’s passing?  Yep, August 16, 1977.  This week, as some of you know, was “Elvis Presley Week,” in Memphis, Tennessee.  This year’s crowd was probably around 500,000, and as usual, they were treated to an assortment of events related to The King of Rock ‘n Roll.  Including, I might add, the opportunity to purchase an autographed copy of my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG.  (Available at leading bookstores throughout Memphis.)  I understand that sales were quite good, and God-willing, I will be holding a seminar at next year’s event.  Should be interesting!

I’d like to give a big “shout out” to my dearest friends in Memphis….  Ron and Debbie Lazarov.  (Thank you for introducing us to Corky’s barbecue!)  If you ever need a place to stay, call them.  (They only charge $175 per night for a room, but you get a free bottle of water.)

Speaking of great friends, I am very proud of Ms. Terri Schexnayder, my dear friend from the Writers League of Texas.  Terri just had a wonderful article published in Texas Highways Magazine, so if you’re a subscriber, check it out.  (The article is titled “Gone Fishing!” and it starts on page 15.)  Great writing, and some valuable information about the freshwater fishery center in Athens.  I had no idea that Terri went to Greece, or that Greeks loved catfish.  Hold on, make that Athens, Texas.  Oops, so much for my upcoming Greek humor.  (Read the article slowly, so that you can “Ab-ZORBA” the details.)  Hey, I had to make one joke!  (I know, it’s “still Greek to you!”)

My second nationally broadcast radio interview, featuring a discussion on THE SECOND MOURNING, can be heard (almost live) this coming Tuesday, August 19, at 12 noon ET.  The entire interview will be presented on WTAN-AM 1340 in Tampa, and KLRG-AM 880 in Little Rock.  We spent 30 minutes discussing the untold story of America’s most bizarre political murder – the assassination of President James A. Garfield.  I think you will find the broadcast intriguing and educational.

In closing, since we could all use a good laugh, I would like to share some things that I recently overheard at a local day camp.  (Where I went to speak to 10-year-old kids.)  They were discussing “world events,” and some of their comments were truly hysterical…

1.  My grandpa is a doctor, and he told me that granola is spreading throughout Africa.   (Thank God it’s not shredded wheat.)

2.  The Turds are being attacked by a group called IRIS.  (Who is this woman?)

3.  Hamas was firing mistletoe into Israel.  (Maybe they will kiss and make up.)

4.  President Obama is vacationing in Martha’s Backyard.  (I wonder if she knows about this, and if so, will invite IRIS?)

The above comments are all true, which reminded me of Art Linkletter’s old show, “Kid’s Say The Darndest Things.”  Ah, youth is wasted is on the young.  Still, it’s important to be young at heart, which just happens to be the title of one of my favorite songs.  I hope you all have a young and joyful week, and if you miss my broadcast, don’t fret.  (Do you think guitar players “fret?”)  I will post a link to the podcast sometime during the week.

Elvis loves ya, baby!

Doc Yanoff

 

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BACK FROM THE “BIG EASY!”

NO, I WASN’T VISITING KIM KARDASHIAN!  I recently returned from New Orleans, which as you may know, is often called “The Crescent City.”  Personally, I think it should be called “The Croissant City.”  After all, it’s very French, very hot, and very flaky!

And speaking of flakes, our illustrious group had a splendid time.  After Commander’s Palace, we dined at the Red Fish Grill and the Bombay Club, and both were superb.  Especially good was the alligator sausage, and that’s no crock!  As a courtesy to my readers, I shall leave out some rather good jokes about “boudin balls” and “dirty rice.”  (They were X-rated, and this is a family blog!)

Incidentally, I would like to thank Harrah’s Casino for allowing me to play some poker during my stay.  As usual, I got very lucky and won a great deal of money, which I promptly spent on Sazerac Cocktails!  The biggest pot of the trip was won (by me) with two pair, and on that hand alone, the Mighty Cobra raked in over $500!   All in all, it was a lovely and prosperous way to spend the afternoon.

Now that the “Bourbon & Beignets Book Tour” is over I can concentrate on my upcoming radio interview.  I am pleased to report that yours truly will be returning to the “National Book Club” on August 18th.  (We will be discussing my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING.)  As you might recall, the program follows “Imus In The Morning,” and can be heard on KLRG (Little Rock) and WTAN & WDCF (Tampa).  The entire interview will also be streamed live on the World Wide Web.

So what else is new?  Well, the CDC office in New York City just announced that germs are easily spread with a handshake.  Fortunately, the most popular greeting in New York is the middle finger.  Meanwhile, the New York Times published a series of articles stating that the current marijuana laws are “useless” and “outdated.”  (Just like the newspaper!)  Congress is on summer break.  From what, I don’t know!

In closing, I would like to share a couple of photographs that were taken at the Elvis Presley Center during our recent book tour.  (We were promoting THE GRACELAND GANG.)  I may have posted some of these, but they’re worth a second look.  (Mainly because I’m not in them!)  I’m not very photographic.  My wife told me that she’s seen better faces on a clock!  (Ouch!)  Yeah, well she has skinny legs.  (I told her that I’ve seen better legs on a piano!)  (Double Ouch!)

Take care, gentle readers, and have yourself a great week!  Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

 

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THE RAGIN’ CAJUN!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLE READERS, and please forgive the tardy post, but once again I find myself in the great state of Louisiana, driving across the Atchafalaya Basin on my way to New Orleans.  (Actually, I arrived Sunday morning, but the above sounds more dramatic.)  In any case, we made it across the swamp without incident, except for one odd inquiry that came from our navigator.  (Miss Patty)  My wife asked me if I could explain the difference between a swamp and a bayou.  I told her that a swamp has no current, but in the second instance, the water will run “by-you.”  (Believe it or not, she accepted that explanation!)

This week’s book tour has brought us to the Adolescent City in fine style.  (Wait a minute, I think that was supposed to be the “Crescent City.”)  Then again, maybe not.  In any case we are staying at the Windsor Court Hotel, a lovely establishment near the French Quarter.  Being the consomme marketer, I mean, consummate marketer, I immediately made friends with some of my fellow tourists and spread the word about my newest masterpiece, THE SECOND MOURNING.  On that note, I would like to welcome some new fans and blog followers, namely, Crystal & Madison and Amy & William, each from the wild and wonderful state of Louisiana.

Our culinary adventures began at the Carousel Lounge in the French Quarter and then to Commander’s Palace for dinner.  As you can imagine, it was quite a feast….  After a round of Sazerac Cocktails and some champagne, we dined on Bourbon & Coffee coated quail, white shrimp and grits, turtle soup, fried oysters, and the piece of resistance…..  bread pudding souffle!  (I know, life is tough for a famous mystery author!)

After dinner we managed to stroll into Harrah’s Casino, where gambling history was made not by the Mighty Cobra (Me) but by the Princess of Portugal, a/k/a Helena Bomblatus, the queen of Creole Poker!  I will not bore you with the gory details, but let’s just say that our dear friend was dealt a straight, a flush, and  four of a kind, in succession!  Needless to say, the dear woman won a small fortune, and she is definitely paying for dinner tonight.

This morning began with another culinary feast at Mother’s Restaurant, where Baron (Lee) Bomblatus and I consumed a hefty portion of eggs, grits, maple ham, and home made biscuits.  (Washed down with some mighty fine chicory coffee.)  The ladies in our group (escorted by Dr. Max Talbott) just set off for cooking school.  Thus, I find myself faced with a dilemma….  shall I write another chapter of my new mystery novel….. or play some Texas Hold ‘Em at the casino?  What would Elmore Leonard do?  What would Dashiell Hammett do?  What would Raymond Chandler do?

DEAL ME IN, BOYS!  I’M ON MY WAY!

So much for practicing one’s craft.  Hey, maybe my craft is playing poker.  (I am a crafty guy.)  Well, I guess you know where I’m heading.  Fortunately, the casino is right across the street from our hotel.  Assuming I win big, which is usually the case, I am going to take my friends to Cafe Du Monde for some beignets and coffee au lait!  (What a sport)  Personally, I would rather consume a bowl of bananas foster, which incidentally, was NOT named after the great Southern composer, Stephen Foster, the “Father of American Music.”  The dish, created in 1951 at Brennan’s Restaurant, was actually named for Richard Foster, a friend of Owen Brennan.  (By the way, you are welcome to use me as a “life line!”)

Well, my friends, I must bid you adieu.  And believe me, “I do” hope I win some money!  Bonjour until next Sunday…..   love to all…..   les bon temps roule!

Doc Yanoff