CELEBRATION NATION!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!  Shall we begin with a trivia question?  All right, here we go…   Do they have a fourth of July in England?  (Keep in mind that we won our independence from the British.)  The answer?  Yes, they do!  In fact, they also have a July first, second, and third!  (Like everyone else.)  Since that was sort of a trick question, I will give you another…  Who was the oldest person to sign the Declaration of Independence?  (Answer:  Benny Franklin)  By the way, not to brag, but the first person to sign was John Hancock.  (The famous insurance salesman.)   Some folks think that it was Adam Gold!

If I was still living in New York, I’d be going to the hot dog eating contest sponsored by Nathan’s.  I’m kind of hungry this morning, but I don’t think I could beat the existing consumption record…..  68 hot dogs (plus the buns) in 10 minutes!  That may sound “hard to swallow,” but it’s true.  By the way, did you know that 1/3 of all the hot dogs in the U.S. come from Iowa?  I thought you might “relish” this information…

Speaking of hot dogs, did I mention that I won the Silver Medal in this year’s INDIEFAB Book of the Year Contest?  I am very grateful for the award, which represents one of the largest and most prestigious literary awards in the country.  THE SECOND MOURNING has now won 4 major literary awards in six months!  Without bribing any of the judges!  (Not that I didn’t try!)  Anyway, I was quite pleased and honored.  I don’t know what’s holding up that dang Pulitzer.

Hey, for all of you folks that may live in Austin or the surrounding area, there is a new boutique (for the ladies) opening up on Congress Avenue today.  It’s called THE COVE, and it features the most stunning outfits you will ever see, all at reasonable prices.  (It will also feature all of my mystery novels!)  The temporary location (they are building a brand new store on Congress Avenue) is at 108 Gibson Street, in the church behind Hotel San Jose.  Today is the summer “pop-up shop” opening, from 12 noon to 7 p.m.  Be there or be nowhere!  (I’ll be signing books from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m.)

For those of you anxiously awaiting news about the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” you might be thrilled to learn that book number five has been finished and is now in the hands of my most capable editor.  (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz.)  The book is titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  As the name suggests, it has something to do with equine insurance.  If you love horses or horse racing, then you will really enjoy this book.  The proposed date of publication is January, 2016.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  If you have a short fuse, do not play with fireworks.

Here’s a little fact that you will get a “bang” out of…..   Did you know that 99% of fireworks sold in the U.S. come from China?  (When they’re not making suits for Donald Trump.)  How the heck did we lose the firecracker market to those people?  I demand an investigation!  Never mind, the hot dogs are ready…..

Here’s hoping you and yours have a safe and happy 4th of July.  On a serious note, take a moment to think about our military, those serving and those who have served.  It is because of these folks, and their enormous sense of patriotism, that we remain the land of the free.  God bless them all!

And good tidings to the rest of you rascals…..   Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Lovely Caribbean photo attached!

 

 

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HAPPY DADDY’S DAY, Y’ALL!

GREETINGS FROM AUSTIN, TEXAS, …..  And if you happen to be one of those guys who self-identify as a father (a sly reference to Rachel Dolezal) allow me to wish you Happy Father’s Day!  Today, across America, two amazing things happen with shocking frequency…  First, children will call home, speak to their dads for twenty seconds, and then ask dad to put mom on the line.  Second, millions of fathers will soon receive one of the most ugly ties ever created.  Where, dear God, do these ties come from?  (My guess is not Brooks Bros. but Ringling Bros.)  If you have led a good life, you will get a work reprieve from your wife…. but I have something to say about that……….

Ladies, if a man says he will fix something around the house, he will.  There is no need to remind him every six months!

Since I’ve mentioned Rachel Dolezal (who will soon be starring in the new movie, “Fifty Shades of Black”) allow me to share my thoughts about the situation…  I had the pleasure of watching her interview on the “Today” show, but I don’t think she’s learned her lesson.  (She spent the first hour pretending to be Al Roker!)  During the interview she said that she drew pictures of herself with a brown crayon, instead of a peach-colored crayon.  Peach did not “appeal” to her.  She referred to that color as “the pits.”  (Relax, I have no more fruit jokes!)

However, just for the record, when I was a kid my parents were always telling me to get lost… so I drew myself with invisible ink!  (Hey, that was better than another fruit pun!)

Speaking of ink…..  Donald Trump is getting a lot of free press after his big announcement.  (He’s running for President again.)  Trump wasted no time getting down to business.  He demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate!  He also promised to be the best job-creator that God ever made.  (I’d feel better about that if his motto wasn’t “You’re fired!”)  Oh well, if he doesn’t get the nomination he can always put on a little more spray tan and run for president of the Spokane NAACP!

And since we’re on the subject of tans…..  my trip down to the Caribbean has begun to pay handsome dividends.  I am proud to report that RANSOM ON THE RHONE is the number one best-selling mystery on the lovely isle of St. Thomas.  Number two on St. John.  (Nobody reads on St. Croix… too windy.)

Due to popular demand (from a blog follower in Siberia) I shall attempt to post some stunningly gorgeous photographs from my recent voyage to the American Virgin Islands.  I do hope you like them.  (You can purchase copies at the bookstore or at any Post Office.)

Accordingly, I shall leave you with one final thought…  as I quote the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln…..  “Don’t believe everything that you read on the Internet.”   Verily, I say unto thee, go forth and have a wonderful (and safe) week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM!

Frankly my dear, winning a major book award is ALWAYS a charming experience, but winning four of them is a bit overwhelming.  Nevertheless, my non-fiction history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just been chosen as a FINALIST in the “History United States” Category in the 2015 INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS!

This year’s contest attracted a large number of entries, over 12oo books from around the globe, many of them written by best-selling authors with very familiar names.  I have no idea how I was chosen for this honor, but as my dentist likes to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth!

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I am back in Austin, Texas.  My recent book tour/dive trip/rum sampling was a complete success.  (Sold some  books and no arrests.)  I’d like to thank our St. John hosts, the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, for their generous hospitality.  We had a marvelous week on the island, and I intend to return their silverware in the very near future!  (The next time I’m down in the Caribbean.)

Hey, what did you think about my little pony?  (American Pharoah)  I noticed this horse before the Kentucky Derby and I had a hunch that he could go all the way.  Interestingly, I used to live near Belmont Race Track, and I saw Seattle Slew win in 1977 and Affirmed in 1978.  (In fact, I got married in 1978, which turned out to be a “sure bet” on my part!)  Coincidentally, I’ve just finished a new “Adam Gold” mystery, titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  (The story deals with equine insurance fraud.)  Good timing on my part, eh?

Speaking of good timing, I returned home to find my mug plastered on the front page of the Four Points News.  Accompanied, I might add, by a well-written article about my numerous awards, courtesy of Sarah Doolittle, a charming and talented reporter.  Thanks for the kind words, Sarah!  (Next time we should use a photo of Brad Pitt!)

I also noticed that folks are talking about Bruce Jenner’s recent transformation.  I don’t know much about sex change operations, but I’m glad my wife is paying attention to the story.  (Maybe we can have “sex for a change!”)  I know, I know, don’t hold my breath.

By the way, some of you have inquired about the losing horses in the Belmont Stakes.  I’m not sure about this, but I think that some of them end up in a different kind of steak.  In any case, I would avoid Arby’s for a while.  (I hate to sound like a “nag,” but you never know.)

Speaking of changes (i.e., Bruce Jenner) I would like to inform my blog followers that due to an intense travel schedule (three more book tours this summer!) my Sunday blog, starting today, will be posted every other Sunday until the fall.  I am not running out of lame jokes, but between writing, traveling, rum consumption, and book tours, my head is spinning!  (What goes around comes around, but not in this case!)

If you experience “blog withdrawal,” take heart!  I am now negotiating with a publisher who seems interested in producing a book of my humorous posts.  (There were a few of them!)  I’m not sure if I’ll proceed with this project, but only because I have just started a brand new non-fiction history book.  These history books are very time consuming, so I might hold off on the blog book for a while.  In any case, if you miss my humor, check out a guy named Mark Twain.  He writes well, but he’s not as funny as me.

Well, that’s about it for now, amigos.  I do hope you have a marvelous week. I shall (starting today) post a few photographs from my recent Caribbean adventure.  Please forgive me, if I post any nude shots.  (Trust me, they won’t be photos of me!)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS…

On this Sunday, my thoughts and prayers are with the good people of Texas, who have recently suffered through a series of devastating floods.  Due to the loss of life, and massive destruction in my beloved state, I do not think it would be appropriate to write my usual (somewhat comedic) blog.  Instead, I would just ask you to keep the residents of the Lone Star State (and other states) in your thoughts and prayers, too.

Also, my sincere condolences to the Vice President and his family.  As I’m sure you know, Beau Biden recently died of brain cancer.  Mr. Biden was a devout Catholic, an Iraq war veteran, and one hell of a father.  We should all, regardless of our political affiliation, be saddened by the loss of this fine man.  Thank you for your service to our country, Mr. Biden.  May you rest in peace.

Finally, I want to say “thank you” to the hundreds of very kind blog followers who remembered my birthday on May 29th.  Your sweet emails made my week!

Well, that’s about it for now.   Have a safe and happy week, and we will meet again next Sunday.  (Under more joyous circumstances!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

PILATES OF THE CARIBBEAN!

Would you believe that I have “exercised” my freedom and returned to the lovely island of St. John?  Well, it’s true, me buckoos, the old swashbuckler (me) has returned to the Caribbean for another seafaring adventure!  The first mate and I are staying in a palatial estate overlooking Chocolate Hole, named for the color of the water just below the cliff.  The view and the digs are simply gorgeous, and we even have our own pool.  (Which we share with a friendly brown pelican.)

The turquoise ocean is swarming with seagulls, and the bay is swarming with…..  bay gulls.  (You just knew where that was going, right?)  The bay gulls are sort of lazy.  They just “lox” around all day.  To me, they are like my children.   ( Once you feed them, you’re stuck with them!)  Ah well, I’m too young to be an empty-nester.

Back to the exercise thing…..  Here, for your reading pleasure, is my daily itinerary…  Up at dawn, use the bathroom, back to bed, rise at nine a.m., use the bathroom, eat a gourmet breakfast, use the bathroom, drive to the beach (there are 20 to choose from!) swim and snorkel, eat a light lunch (or substitute with rum & cola) take a short nap, use the bathroom, make believe I’m not staring at the girls in those tiny bikinis, swim some more, dry off, go home, get dressed, go out for dinner, drink some more rum, use the bathroom, go to bed, and then repeat in morning!

I know exactly what you’re thinking.  When does this man have time to write his award-winning books?  I have begun to ask myself that same question.  Did it ever dawn on you that I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom?  (No, I do not have a prostrate problem.)  I thought a prostrate was a woman who took money for sex!  (Actually, most of those naughty ladies do end up prostrate, but that’s another story.)  Where was I?

Oh yes, I remember…  the writing stuff.  Well, let’s put it this way, if experience is the best teacher, then I have been learning a lot, and sooner or later, it will show up in another book.  (I mention this, so that I can deduct this trip on next year’s tax return!)  By the way, we are staying with the Princess of Portugal, and her tax-dodging husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus.  They are great hosts, and very wealthy, so I leave my wallet at home.  (Well, that’s what I told them!)  We actually go “Dutch.”  (I only pay when we go to the Dutch side of St. Maarten!)  So far, we’ve been able to avoid that island!

For those of you who do not subscribe to the New York Times, (and let’s face it, who the hell would?) they were kind enough to reprint a news blurb about my recent award.  I won’t bore you with all of the details (again) but I recently won the gold medal presented by the 9th Annual 2015 National Indie Excellence Award.  My book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as the best history book of the year, and I am very grateful to the judges for this wonderful honor.  The NIEA competition is fierce, and there were many great books this year.  So once again, thanks for the memories!  (and the lovely prize!)

In closing, if I may, I would like to remind everyone of something far more important than writing and blogging.  I would like to publicly thank all of the brave men and women who have served in our nation’s military.  I am smart enough to understand that NOTHING I do would be possible without the sacrifice that our veterans have made.  Thank you all for your service to our country!  We love you, respect you, and honor your deeds on our behalf.  May God bless all of our veterans this Memorial Day.

Finally, to my loyal blog followers, I would remind you to have some fun this weekend, even if your in-laws are coming over the house for a barbecue!  Please keep in mind the words of my high school psychologist, who once said to me, “You’re responding nicely to therapy.  You can sit up the next time we meet.”   (Hey, in my opinion, “normal” is just a setting on the dryer!)  Have a great weekend.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Just to make you jealous, I will attach a photograph of me “in my office.”

 

 

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A DAY AT THE RACES…..

Well, I hate to brag, but once again I have shown the world that I am in the wrong line of work….. even though, technically, I don’t have a job.  Why am I writing books when I could become a professional handicapper?  Yes, once again, my favorite steed, AMERICAN PHAROAH, has won the big race!  (And made me lots of money!)

Yesterday was the running of the Preakness Stakes, and my darling horse finished first.  I noticed that there were a few “celebrities” in the crowd this year.  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a front row seat. (Make that two seats.)  He was slightly disappointed when he discovered that it was a “stakes” race, not a “steak race.”  I don’t if it’s true, but I heard that the Baltimore D.A. indicted a couple of the losing horses, and two jockeys.  (Heartless woman!)

By the way, American Pharoah is owned by an Egyptian-American gent named Ahmed Zayat.  Mr. Zayat was forced to leave Egypt because of a financial scandal.  (I think.)  I might be wrong about this, but I think he invented the Pyramid Scheme.  (Ouch!)  I know, that joke Sphinx.  What can I say, I’m in de-Nile!  Tut tut, let’s move along…..

Did you see that Mitt Romney stepped into the boxing ring with Evander Holyfield?  (They were raising money for charity.)  Nice to see Mitt running again!  (I’d run too!)  I did some boxing during my misspent youth, and I was pretty good.  Actually, I worked at UPS, but we still did a lot of boxing.

How many of you folks read the second Adam Gold mystery, THE PIRATE PATH?  (O.K., you can put your hand down, Mom.)  Well, if you recall, the book was about Captain Kidd’s treasure.  Guess what?  Divers just located some loot from one of Kidd’s ships!  They found a silver bar or two off the coast of Madagascar.  How cool is that?  One of the bars was inscribed with the name of the pirate ship, and the discovery might lead to more treasure.  I need to spend more time looking for bars!

Sales of RANSOM ON THE RHONE are growing steadily, and if the pace continues, this book will become the best-selling mystery that I have written.  Thanks again to all you blogsters who have continued to support my writing career.  In all seriousness, I couldn’t have done it without you!

Speaking of thanks, I’d like to thank my brilliant cousin Max, and his lovely and talented wife, Barbara, for hosting a very special dinner at the Steiner Ranch Steakhouse last night.  Max was recently abroad.  (No, there will be no Bruce Jenner jokes!)  Barbara has been abroad for quite some time.  Anyway, they had a wonderful trip to Europe, but it’s great to have them back in Austin.

Next week is book tour time, and we’re off to the sunny isle of St. Thomas and St. John, for a week of diving and thriving with the Princess of Portugal and her husband, Baron Von Bomblatus!  Watch out rum, here I come!

On that cheerful note, I shall take my leave.  (I wish somebody would take all my leaves!)  Have a safe and prosperous week.  And remember this poignant thought…..  The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, 2015!

Good morning, sports fans, and may I begin by wishing all of you mothers (mommies) a very happy and healthy Mother’s Day!  In keeping with Yanoff family tradition, I sent my mom a “congratulations card” complimenting her on my birth.  I remember my mom telling me that the stork delivered me….. and was subsequently arrested for pushing “dope!”

My dad was more joyous about my arrival.  The nurse said here’s your little treasure.  My dad said, “let’s bury it!”  (Milton Berle, 1956.)  Hey, did you folks see that Hooters is celebrating Mother’s Day by offering customers a free order of hot wings?  I was going to take my mom there, but we were just there for Easter.  And her birthday.  And my birthday.  And…  well, we were just there, so we’re not going  back.

Speaking of moms, did you notice that a zoo in Japan is in hot water after naming a baby monkey Charlotte?  (In honor of the royal baby of England.)  If the prince and princess had a son, they were going to name him Curious George, so what’s the problem?  No reason to go “bananas.”

My friend in L.A. just sent me an email, and get this, the geniuses in Hollywood have decided to make another Indian Jones movie!  (Keep in mind that Harrison Ford will be 73 years old when filming begins.)  Naturally, I sent in a movie script, which is being seriously considered.  (Considered a piece of junk!)  Anyway, in my script, Jones reflects his advanced age by outrunning a kidney stone instead of a giant boulder.  Then he spends the rest of the movie searching for a tomb…. for himself!  I’m calling the film, “Indiana Jones and the Search for Lower Cholesterol!”  (maybe I should change that to blood pressure?)

Speaking of pressure, poor Tom Brady is getting hell for his role in the deflate-gate scandal.  If he keeps complaining about the pressure, maybe he should do something about it.  (any suggestions?)  Ssssssssssssssssss.

Well, I must take my leave of you now.  I am on my way to India!  (Well, actually we’re going to the Clay Pit Indian Restaurant in Austin.)  My friend, Bali, is offering a delicious buffet, and we want to get there before my son-in-law eats all of the lamb.  Have yourselves a wonderful day, and don’t forget to call your mom.  (Even if you have to call “collect” like me, it would be a very nice gesture.)

Finally, for those of you who find it difficult to believe that anyone voluntarily gave birth to me, I am posting a photograph of my beautiful mother.  (pictured with her favorite child!)

Go forth, have a great day, and please remember to buy your mother a glass of champagne.  (After all, you’re the reason she drinks!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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