HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE…

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam… and I’ll show you a messy house!  Which reminds me, when a buffalo leaves home, what do his parents say?  (Bison!)  I actually love this song, but the lyrics don’t make much sense.  Who would build a house on a range?  The minute you turn on the gas, boom!  I shouldn’t judge.  I used to take naps in the refrigerator.  (We had a Westinghouse, so that’s where I wested!)  By now you might be wondering about the range humor, yes?

Well, the reason I mentioned a range is because I recently drove down to La Grange, Texas.  (In a Range Rover, no less!)  I was there to speak to a local book club, and I was quite surprised by the charm of this small Texas town.  After my brilliant oration (most remained awake) I stopped at the Texas Quilt Museum and the Czech Heritage Center, two very interesting places.  (The museum kept me in stitches, and I didn’t pass a single “bad Czech!”)  If you make the trip, stop at Weikel’s Store & Bakery for some yummy kolaches.

Last Wednesday, I reached a new milestone.  My second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, has become something of a literary sensation down under (that would be Australia, not Hell!)  Believe it or not, the book is now selling on eBay for…..  $70.00!  G’day mate, that’s a lot of money!  Well, now I know what my mother did with those extra copies I sent her.  If you happen to have a signed copy, you should check out the selling prices on eBay.  (You can make some big money, honey!)

Speaking of books, my publisher is still twerking, I mean, tweaking the book covers for my next mystery novel titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  They are determined to get it right, and their professionalism is truly inspiring.  God willing, the book will be published in mid-January.  In the meantime, I will be posting some photographs taken on the French river cruise that inspired the tale.  (We took a cruise on the Rhone through central France.)  I hope you enjoy them, and please feel free to send along your questions.

Did any of you folks watch the Geminid meteor shower last night?  I did, but I kept thinking about a friend of mine who lives in Bath, England. Must be strange to be in Bath and watch a shower.  I feel “drained” just thinking about it!

Hey, did you notice yesterday’s date?  12/13/14!  Easy to remember, but that will be the last time in your life that there will be 3 consecutive numbers like that.  Well, you know what they say about your number being up.  I celebrated the momentous occasion by painting a large number of doors (don’t ask) and attending a dinner party.  I wasn’t sure I’d be invited to the party, but then I realized that it would be at my house.

Well, I must take my leave, as I am actually “dog-sitting” again.  No, not for Baker.  For Miss Romy.  Baker is a cockapoo.  Romy is a labradoodle.  They both eat like creatures from Jurassic Park (non stop) but I love them dearly.  Who knew that one day I would own my own kennel?  Life is full of surprises.  (It’s a “ruff job” but somebody has to do it!)  Take care, don’t worry about the fleas, and have a wonderful week!

Love to all, Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Just in case I decide to sell the dogs, I would like to post their photographs….  The white one is Baker.  The brown one is Romy.

 

 

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THE HISTORY CHANNEL…

Today would be a good day to channel some history!  Why?  Because today is December 7th, the day that Pearl Harbor was attacked.  (73 years ago!)  President Roosevelt declared that the day would be “A date which will live in infamy.”  True enough, but I’m not so fond of April 15th either!  (I find that date very “taxing.”)

Did you know that one of my relatives was an aviation ace during World War I?  My great uncle Izzy was wounded during a ferocious dogfight with a German dirigible.  (Fortunately, my uncle and the dirigible were both filled with hot air, so this tale will have an “uplifting” ending.)  Uncle Isadore shot down the dirigible only to discover that he had flown off course and actually attacked one of the balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  (Ever wonder why the Popeye balloon is squinting?)

There were other notable events on December 7th … In 43 B.C., Cicero, an Italian orator from Illinois, was assassinated.  In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the Constitution.  In 1868, Jesse James and his gang robbed the bank in Gallatin, Missouri.  (Sadly, they robbed a sperm bank and ended up in a “cell.”)

Speaking of outlaws… my second non-fiction masterpiece will be titled, HELL-BENT IN THE HEARTLAND.  (The Tragic Tale of the Reno Gang.)  God willing, I will finish a rough outline sometime this winter, and then it’s off to the library!  I enjoy the research part, but it is quite laborious, so I might just make up a few things this time around!  (Just kidding.)

Last Thursday marked the annual Steiner Ranch Christmas Barbecue and Poker Tournament.  I played brilliantly, but didn’t win the dang tournament.  (They wouldn’t let me deal!  If they had, I would have done better!)  I ran short of chips at the end, so I tried to bet with pretzels.  No dice.  Anyway, I would like to thank Rich & Sharon Walker for running another great evening, and also Kevin Evans, who generously supplied the barbecue and beer.  A great time was had by all.

Finally, I am pleased as punch (fitting for the holiday season) to announce that I was mentioned not once, but twice, on the recent radio tribute to Charles Dickens.  (Hosted by the talented John Austin, the genius behind The Book Club radio program.)  The program can be found at TanTalk 1340.com.  I was honored to be mentioned in the same sentence as Dickens, but we do have something in common.  He actually wrote an entire book about my honeymoon.  It’s called “GREAT EXPECTATIONS!”  (Please, no jokes about Tiny Tim!)

Well, my friends, I must leave you now.  I am off to the senior center to do some volunteer work.  Hey, before I leave, do you know what they call an alligator in a vest?  (You’d better sit down.)  An “investigator!”  Adam Gold told me that joke!  Take care and have a marvelous week…     Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  Another admiring fan!  (Tough life.)

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BIRDS OF A FEATHER…

Get eaten together!  Well, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, my wife decides to forgo our usual Thanksgiving turkey and serve turducken!  What sort of person thought up this creature?  I don’t know either, but we managed to sort things out in a pilgrim sort of way.  I ate turkey, the wife and children got duck, and our guests got stuck with chicken.  (That will teach them to come empty-handed!)  I hear they are now selling a bird that is half turkey and half chicken.  It’s called a turclucken!  (I just made that up.)

In keeping with the true spirit of the season, my wife decided to have an “authentic” Thanksgiving feast this year.  I had to wear a pilgrim costume and our guests were compelled to dress as Native Americans.  Our Choctaw friends from Tupelo were amused, but I think they had certain “reservations” about wearing warpaint.  (If you recall, one of my main characters in the “Adam Gold Mysteries” is a Choctaw Indian detective named Sally Ridge.)  Sally plays a big part in THE GRACELAND GANG and again in DEVIL’S COVE.

Interestingly, our friends from Mississippi were not the only Indians at the feast.  We also invited our new neighbors, Mr. & Mrs. Sandeep Singh.  We had trouble finding their phone number, but you know what they say, “Sikh and ye shall find.”  Anyway, they were happy to join the festivities, but they kept saying “namaste” instead of “how.”  Incidentally, in case you’re wondering, turkey vindaloo is delicious.

On reflection, I suppose I shouldn’t complain about the turducken creature.  My wife’s Arkansas relatives are very poor, and every year they’re forced to serve road kill.  Fortunately, they found a good recipe, but they don’t know what to do with his bike.  (Some days you just can’t “Schwinn.”)

I just read an interesting article that stated the obvious…  most American women do not wish to engage in, how shall I put this, romantic entanglements after Thanksgiving dinner.  If you guys need some help, I’ve found that the best way to convince a woman to have sex is to compliment her.  You might say something like, “Wow, you’re a fast runner.  You almost got away.”

Hey, do you think it’s weird that I forgot my twin brother’s birthday?

I’m not really a twin.  (God forbid!)  However, I recently read an incredible article in America’s most respected newspaper, The National Enquirer.  A woman in Indiana had triplets, and then two weeks later, she had twins!  (One of the triplets got lost.)  Man, you can’t make this stuff up.  (but I do!)

In closing, I would like to thank our distinguished guests for joining us this year.  A special “thank you” to my dear old friends, Stanley and Molly Naftolin from Toronto, and to my brother-in-law, Tim McCloskey and his lovely fiancee, Miss Hannah.  It was great seeing you folks again, and please feel free to keep the silverware!  (It would be nice if you could just return the gravy bowl.)

Well, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and now it’s onward and upward to Christmas and Hanukkah!  Please start your holiday shopping early, and if you have ANY questions about my size, please feel free to contact me.  (No ribald jokes, please!)  Be well and have a productive week….    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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LET’S TALK TURKEY!

GOBBLE GOBBLE.  (Which is “turkish” for Happy Thanksgiving!)  By the way, wasn’t George Gobble a great comedian?  Some folks think we should combine Election Day and Thanksgiving, since they both include a lot of turkeys.  (And let’s face it, our politicians do gobble up our taxes!)  While some politicians are “for the birds,” the birds are for all of us, and a reminder that we have a lot to be thankful for.  Even though I make jokes about the political scene, I would be the first to admit that we are blessed to live in a free country where our votes determine who serves, and for how long.  When you start traveling around the world, you quickly realize just how special America really is, and how lucky we are to live in such a glorious place.

This year, my wife is making our family an “international feast.”  (Since you asked, that would be Turkey, sitting in Greece, and after you take a bite, you are Russian to the bathroom!)  My bride is a graduate of the Lucretia Borgia Culinary Institute, so every meal is a treat.  We have our main course in the dining room, but she insists on serving dessert in the bathroom.  (What can I say, she loves pie a la commode.)

Speaking of hazardous places, I noticed that the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility was in the news this week.  (security concerns)  If you recall, I wrote about the facility in my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG.  Since I am now an expert on all things nuclear, let me give you some advice:  never trust an atom.  (They make up everything.)  Did you know that the atom bomb was dropped from a plane called the Ebola Gay?  (Talk about over-kill!)

So what else is new?  I recently learned that Cynthia Brian, the lovely and talented host of “Be The Star You Are,” has a not-so-secret connection to CCRR!  (No, not Creedence Clearwater Revival.)  Believe it or not, the letters stand for:  California Champion Rooster Raiser!  Now I know why she thinks Henny Youngman is so funny!  And yes, Rooster Cogburn is her favorite lawman!  Cynthia is so smart that she actually knows why the chicken crossed the road!  I must remember to ask her which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Jack Drucker, the host of The Book Club Radio Program, is producing a special Christmas broadcast.  He will actually be interviewing an up-and-coming author named Charlie Dickens.  (Charlie wrote a book about one of his girlfriends in London.  I think it’s called “A Christmas Carol.”)  Anyway, in honor of the holiday season, he will also be re-broadcasting both of my legendary radio interviews!  I will publish the details as soon as I have them.  (The interviews were among the most listened to of the year, and we discussed DEVIL’S COVE and then THE SECOND MOURNING.)

For those of you that might have seen the modest article about me in the Chicago Tribune, I would like to say that the rumors are true!  I am halfway through the fifth “Adam Gold Mystery,” which will be titled:  “A RUN FOR THE MONEY.”  The story takes place in the South, primarily in Richmond, Charleston, and Lexington, Kentucky.  This time, Adam Gold will confront grave robbers and horse thieves in pursuit of strife, liberty, and the happiness thing.  I am thoroughly enjoying the book, which should be finished some time this spring.

Well, in closing, let me wish all of my family and friends a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I do hope you are able to be with the ones you love, and that you have a splendid, and truly American holiday.  Please remember not to serve those nasty cranberry globs, mincemeat pies, or those damn celery sticks.  (Trust me, nobody likes that stuff!)  See you next Sunday!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  There just might be a photograph attached to this blog!

 

 

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THE ARCTIC GORETEX!

Those are the clothes I’m wearing, not the name of the weather front that blew in this week.  By the way, why do they call it a “front” when you freeze your “rear” off?  Hmm.  In any case, it’s cold down here in Austin, Texas!  How cold?  I just saw a chicken crossing the street with her capon. (Cape on?)  Look, there aren’t many ‘cold chicken jokes.’  (That one was really “fowl!”)  What can I say, I’m a hen-pecked guy.

Lest we forget, last Tuesday was Veterans Day.  Accordingly, I’d like to acknowledge my favorite vet, my father, Arthur Yanoff, who on October 11, 1945, flew across the Atlantic Ocean in a B-24 bomber destined for North Africa.  I would also like to acknowledge my Uncle Jim, who served in the Air Force, My Uncle Paul, who served in the Army, my Uncle Aubrey, a Marine sergeant, who fought in Korea, and my cousin Max (Talbott) a sergeant in the U.S. Army.  Thank you all for your service to our nation!

So what else is new?  Well, on Wednesday, November 12, I was featured on the highly acclaimed radio program “Be The Star You Are.”  The show was hosted by the incredibly talented Cynthia Brian, who is known as “The Oprah of the Airwaves.”  As I’ve mentioned previously, her popular program is broadcast on VoiceAmerica, which has a listening audience of 4.5 million people in 219 countries.  (I understand that only 4.2 million people listened to my brilliant oration, which was a little disappointing.  Well, that’s show biz.)

Speaking of remarkable women, I recently had the pleasure of participating in my first internet interview with the lovely and talented blogger Gina McKnight.  Gina produces a very popular blog called “Riding & Writing.”  (She loves horses and books.)  She asked some great questions, and if you would like to read my answers, simply go to:    Ginamc. blogspot.com   If you look on the right side of your computer screen, you will find the archive list and my name.  Check it out if you get a chance.  (My interview was on Sunday, October 26, 2014)

Since we’re on the subject of books (for a change) I’d like to remind you that my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, is now available on the OFFICIAL Elvis Presley webpage.  All you need to do is find yourself a working computer and go to:  Graceland at Shop.com  (The holidays are coming up quickly, so don’t delay!)  If we sell a lot of books, I’m going to ask Elvis to sign some future copies, which should fetch a pretty penny.

Incidentally, in case you’re wondering, the fourth “Adam Gold Mystery” is in the final stages of front cover production.  The book is titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE, and as the name suggests, the story takes place primarily in France.  The target date of release is early January, 2015, so please don’t leave the country before you purchase a copy.  (You will not be allowed back without your passport and a copy of the book.  Hey, I don’t make the rules…   (I just break them!)

In closing, I would like to remind you that Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  Please remember to purchase your turkey early.  (My wife got her turkey 35 years ago… me!)  Hopefully, you will find some photographs at the end of today’s blog.  These are photos from the gala literary event known as “Evening With The Authors.”  I hope you enjoy them!

Take care and have a wonderful week.  Love to all …..

Doc Yanoff

 

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AMAZING GRACELAND!

I ONCE WAS LOST…  But now my mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, can be found!  Where?  Why, at Graceland, the home of the King, Elvis Presley!  Yes, my dear friends, I am thrilled to report that my first “Adam Gold Mystery” has been reviewed and accepted by the OFFICIAL website for all things Elvis!  You (and 300 million others) can now purchase the book at:   Graceland at Shop.com

As you might guess, this website handles the full line of Elvis products sanctioned by the Elvis Presley Estate, which is very picky about the items they allow to be sold under their own imprimatur.  After reading my brilliant novel (and taking pity on me) they decided to list my book on their website for the next few years!  Naturally, I was giddy, as this will expose my humble novel to a VAST audience in America and around the world.  (I have often thought of exposing more of myself, but the wife wouldn’t let me.)  All I can say is, “long live the King!”  (And a serious thank you to Pricilla Presley and the Presley Estate.)

So what else is new?  Hey, I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of people who are too lazy to work, but then turn around and ask us for money!  But enough about the White House and Congress.  Did you remember to exercise your right to vote?  I was going to vote, but when I heard it was an exercise, I changed my mind.  I always vote for myself anyway.  During the last election, I received 3 votes.  I voted for myself, and my mother voted for me twice.  (She lives in Chicago.)  I’m not great in math, but by my calculation, it’s going to take a while to win a seat.  (Which is why I like to stand.)

Speaking of math, I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 different types of people in the world.  People who are good in math, and those that are not.  I could be wrong, but that’s the way it adds up to me.  Like I said, math is not my strong suit.  Back in high school, I would bring a rabbit to class whenever we had a math test.  (I heard they multiplied quickly)  When I got to college, I brought a Playboy bunny with me.  I didn’t do any better on the test, but frankly, I didn’t give a damn.

Just a final (thank God) reminder that I will be featured on VoiceAmerica radio this coming Wednesday evening.  (6:15 p.m. Central Time)  I will be interviewed by Cynthia Brian, who is known in the radio world as “The Oprah of the Airwaves.”  If you get a chance, give a listen.  Hopefully, Ms. Brian will offer me a car at the end of the program.

Tomorrow (Monday) I have the honor of attending a military funeral for the late Richard Bomblatus, who served his country with distinction.  Mr. Bomblatus will be buried at the Central Texas Veteran’s Cemetery, near Fort Hood.  Like all our wonderful vets, he deserves a huge thank you for his service.

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of attending a little surprise party for Miss Joyce, the lovely mother of Jaime Rubenstein, and the mother-in-law of Gary Rubenstein.  I’m glad I brought an expensive gift, because Gary managed to convince the Captain and crew of the Queen Elizabeth Cruise Ship to feature my non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING!  Don’t ask me how he did it, but the book was literally in every nook and cranny of the ship!  (I know, there are a lot of books on the Nook.  Ha-ha.)  I am seriously considering firing my present publicist (Blind Bernie Kivowitz) and hiring Gary.  (The guy is a marketing genius!)

Well, it’s time for me to consume some “health food waffles” that you-know-who is insisting I try.  This recipe has two cups of bran and some other nasty looking fiber!  One portion of these waffles, and you’ll be forced to “run” for office!  By the way, remind me to tell you how the Chinese pronounce Election Day.

Happy trials, I mean, trails!  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN IN 2014!

So, did  you enjoy the day associated with scary and spooky creatures who roam the underworld in a relentless pursuit of evil and mayhem?  Oh wait, Tuesday is Election Day.  Never mind.  Let’s start with Halloween…  Did you know that this “holiday” began in Ireland?  (roughly 2,000 years ago!)  Irish immigrants brought the festivities to America, which now spends nearly 9 BILLION dollars a year on candy, costumes, and pediatric dentistry!  Halloween, believe it or not, produces the second most spending of the year.  (Christmas is first)  Would you like to guess what the number one candy might be?  I’ll give you a hint:  “Don’t SNICKER at the answer.”   By the way, after my clue, if you said Twix, you need to run for political office!

Strangely enough, we (in America) are also “celebrating” the end of Daylight Saving Time.  I’m not sure, but I think we’re supposed to mess with our clocks.  If I remember correctly, it’s “Spring Back and Fall Forward,” or maybe “Spring Forward and Fall Back.” Just do one or the other and sooner or later you’ll have the correct time.  Be patient.

By the way, did you know that there are two states that DO NOT observe Daylight Saving Time.  (No, one of them is not Arkansas!)  They are Arizona and Hawaii.  Oddly enough, the Navajo Tribe in Arizona does observe the time change, but the Hopi Tribe does not!  (I “Hopi” this is correct, but you “Navajo.”)  Don’t ask me why.  I thought both tribes might have certain “reservations.”  (Ouch!)

So what else is new?  Well, don’t forget that on Wednesday, November 11, I will be featured on World Talk Radio.  (VoiceAmerica)  My interview is scheduled for 6:15 p.m. Central Time.  The host and I will be discussing my brilliant new book, THE SECOND MOURNING.  The program, as I have previously mentioned, reaches an estimated audience of 4.5 million listeners in 219 countries.  Still, we have plenty of room, so try to join the fun!

Speaking of fun, the Texas Book Festival was a huge success for everyone involved.  As you might know, we sold a ton of books (mystery novels and the non-fiction book) and met some wonderful authors and book lovers.  There were two best-selling mystery authors in our pavilion tent, me and a gentleman named Patrick Kelly, the author of HILL COUNTRY GREED.  If you get a chance, check out Patrick’s books.  I think you will really enjoy them.  (I will attach some photographs of the Festival at the end of this blog.)

Also in the realm of fun (sort of) our darling “niece” Laura just delivered a gorgeous baby girl in the great state of Oklahoma!  When I say “delivered,” I am not referring to FedEx or UPS, I mean delivered as in gave birth!  Congratulations to mom and dad (Laura and Steve) and also to our dear friends Barbara and Max.  (Now known as Grandma and Grandpa Talbott!)  Please encourage your precious baby (Miss Auden) to immediately become a blog follower.  She will undoubtedly love my blog, since it is quite infantile.  (Make that “young at heart.”)

Finally, I would like to give a little shout out to Jaime and Gary Rubenstein, who will be hosting today’s gala surprise party for Miss Joyce, Jaime’s lovely and talented mother. The hosts just returned from a round-the-world cruise (well, half the world at least) and should have some wonderful stories to share.  Hopefully, they wore the modest T-shirts (emblazoned with my photograph) that I gave them before they left.  I think they may have worn the shirts, because ISIS is on the run.  (Hey, if you saw my face, you might run away, too!)

Well, my dear friends, I hope you enjoy your upcoming week.  Please remember to vote on Tuesday, and if you don’t want to waste your vote, please cast a write-in ballot with my name.  (Just a reminder, there are two “Fs” in Yanoff.)  If you forget that, just think of my math and English grades!  Take care, and love to all …

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