RANSOM DEMAND!

NO, I’M NOT DEMANDING MONEY!  I’m referring to the unprecedented demand for my new mystery novel, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  (Which sounds dangerously close to “Ransom Over The Phone.”)  Anyway, the book is selling briskly (what else would you expect with these frigid temperatures?) and is well on its way to becoming another huge literary sensation.  Believe it or not, the first printing has already sold out (thanks to my mom) and we are now on our 2nd or 3rd round of printing.

Soooo….  If you’ve been waiting to order a book, they are now available at Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, GoodReads.com, Kindle, and Nook.  They can also be purchased at a large number of “brick and mortar” stores.  If you are a fan of Adam Gold, and let’s face it, who isn’t, then you will love this new story.  Here is the blurb from the back cover:  “The theft of a priceless Gobelin tapestry drags insurance investigator, Adam Gold, into the murky and violent world of international artnapping – and a life or death struggle with the Corsican mafia.”  There is more, but my publicist, Blind Lemon Lefkowitz, thinks we should just “tease” the public, which be you.

I would like to ask a small favor of my 16,000 blog followers….  if you read the book and enjoy it, please leave a nice comment/review on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com    These kind words are very helpful to future sales and help attract advertising dollars from the publisher.  Thank you in advance for your support!

So what else be new?  Today in my mother’s birthday.  Miss Hazel just turned 89!  As usual, I sent her a “congratulations card” for giving birth to me.  (See why I’m her favorite?)  I’m not sure why, but my sister, who is three years younger than me, sent me a birthday card.  She just discovered that we are not identical twins after all.  Surprise,surprise.  Anyway, I will be sending mom a discounted copy of my new book, assuming she is willing to pay for shipping and handling.

To make matters more expensive, tomorrow is my wife’s birthday!  Yes, I’m buying flowers.  Last year I found a great deal on some unused flowers from a local funeral home.  Seemed appropriate, since she is always threatening to kill me!  In my humble opinion, marriage is very educational.  How so, you ask?  Well, as the philosopher Emmanuel Can’t-Do once said, “marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree…..  and a woman gets her master’s degree!”

Amen, brother!  Hey, what did you think of the Annual Insomnia Awards?  (a/k/a the Academy Awards.)  OMG, was that a long show or what?  The “Best Picture” award was actually presented on “Good Morning America!”  By the end of the show the kid from “Boyhood” was living in a senior center!  Where the heck was Bradley Cooper when we needed him?  (He could have at least taken out Sean Penn!)

Speaking of celebrations…  Last night we attended the birthday party of the lovely and talented Miss Melinda Perez.  The Princess of Pressure (she works as a masseuse) held a gala affair in a most charming venue….  the train station depot in Austin.  The building was an actual train station for many years, and is still in remarkable condition.  Next door is a brand new beer brewery, and naturally, we got to sample some of their wares.  A great time was had by all, and Miss Melinda is one lucky gal… she has an amazing family and lots of friends who love her dearly.  (Including a semi-famous author!)

In closing, I would remind you to dress in layers during these long months of global warming.  Winter has to end some time, doesn’t it?  (I think Al Gore is somehow responsible for this weather, but I can’t prove it.)  Why couldn’t he stick to the Internet and leave us alone?  By the way, does “net neutrality” mean that I have to poke fun at Democrats and Republicans equally?  (That should be easy!)  Well, I must leave you now…  I am sponsoring a clothing drive for naked soldiers in Somalia.  I am looking at a photograph of their army.  Very sad.  I see so many privates.   (Think about that and call me later!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  I promise that this will be the last time I post a picture of my new book cover!

 

 

RansomOnTheRhoneCover

OSCAR (MAYER) NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD!

Why the name change?  Well, let’s face it, the auditorium will be filled with HAMS and celebrities who are full of BALONEY!  I know that sounds like a “cold cut,” but they deserve to be criticized.  They make too much money.  Hell, Brad Pitt is so rich he taught his dog how to roll over – an IRA!  Now that’s rich!  I just read that Harrison Ford is going to make another movie.  The guy just turned 70.  The movie will be called “Raiders of the Lost Miralax.”

Since I am my mother’s favorite, I took her to see each one of the movies nominated for “Best Picture.”  It’s the least I could do for all of the things she did to me, I mean, for me.  For instance, when I was a youngster, mom let me lick the beaters when she made a cake.  Sometimes she would even turn them off first.  What a gal.  Anyway, with that said, here are our “rapid reviews” of each film.  (By the way, that word was rapid, not rabid!)  The envelope please…   and the winners are…

1.  THE IMITATION GAME.  (It just didn’t seem real.)

2.  SELMA.   (I saw the “abridged” version.)

3.  BIRDMAN.  (Mom got stuck with the bill.)

4.  THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.   (The movie didn’t register.)

5.   AMERICAN SNIPER.  (Right on target.)

Well, in my humble opinion, these are the leading contenders.  BOYHOOD was also a good film, but that bum Kanye West wants to make  a sequel called BOYS N THE HOOD, so forget that.  The film about Stephen Hawking was too theoretical.  Besides, we don’t need a Hawking when we already have a BIRDMAN.  Although, birds of a feather do like to sit together.

So what else is new?  RANSOM ON THE RHONE (a true piece of artwork) will be available in about one week.  The early reviews have actually been spectacular.  If you love a good read, you will definitely enjoy this book.

Did you see that Starbucks is going to start a home delivery service? This will be perfect for people who don’t like to walk one block in ANY direction.  Just have a credit card handy.  Not bad enough that we have to pay $5.00 for a cup of coffee.  Now we have to tip, too.  (They know where we live!)

I just read that people who snore are prone to heart attacks!  How can you sleep if you’re not prone?  I don’t care about this news.  I may suffer a heart attack, but I won’t lose any sleep over it.  You gotta wake up pretty early in the afternoon to fool old Doc Yanoff.

By the way, did you know that Oscar attendees are not allowed to bring credit cards with them?  No big deal.  The place will be filled with plastic folks.  (If you think I’m kidding, watch their faces!)  Botox down to their knee socks.  Personally, I fall asleep during the opening monolog, and when I wake up I like to watch real zombies, so I’m hoping they show reruns of The Walking Dead.

Well, boys and ghouls, that’s about it for me.  Do enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and have a safe and happy week.  As far as I’m concerned, the winner is …..  You!  (For those who haven’t seen the new cover of my next book, feast your eyes on the photo attached at the end of this semi-humorous blog.)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

RansomOnTheRhoneCover

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!

Lots of cedar pollen, too.  In any case, don’t inhale unless you want to become pregnant.  Yep, it’s that time again…  Valentine’s Day!  Actually, yesterday was the holiday.  Today is the day that smart people buy leftover chocolate at enormous discount.  How much chocolate?  Try 58 million pounds!  (No wonder we have so many “cocoa puffs!”)  Jeez, that’s a lot of candy.  In case you’re wondering, we also buy a lot of flowers.  There are petal pushers all around us!  Red roses are the most popular flowers.  (I give my wife “two lips.”)  So, what is the total annual cost of this great day?  Well, Americans spend roughly $450,000,000 per year to show their undying affection!

By now you might be wondering, who the hell was this guy Valentine? Good question.  Not much is known about the old boy, except that he was a Catholic bishop and a martyr.  (Martyr is the Latin word for husband.)  You can thank Geoffrey Chaucer for creating the event that became associated with romantic love.  During the Middle Ages, Geoff noticed that birds paired in mid-February, so he put two and two together and came up with our present holiday.

How we went from birdies to candy and cards is a mystery, but I love a good mystery…  and speaking of mysteries…  I am completely baffled by women.  (You thought I was going to mention my books, right?)  No sir, it is women that I find most puzzling.  Little things seem to annoy the ladies.  The other day I left the following note for my wife:  “Honey, someone from the Gyna Colleges called.  They said the Pabst beer is normal.  I thought you were a wine drinker?”   So, did the old girl thank me?  Nope!  She told me that I reminded her of her favorite flower.  (A bloomin’ idiot!)  No roses for her!  (My “two lips” are still swollen.)

I’m telling you folks, most women are riddles wrapped inside an enigma and covered with a Tootsie Roll.  Still, last night’s special occasion meal was wonderful.  I did drink a little too much, though.  This morning I tried to login to my iPad.  Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad!  Who knew.

We finally finished the back book cover for RANSOM ON THE RHONE, so the book should be available in about two weeks.  I will keep you abreast of the situation.  Never mind,  you keep your breast.  I’ll let you know when the book hits the marketplace of ideas.  Until then, I would like to leave you with another idea…..

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  (Another poker analogy!)  How so?  Well, in the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond.  By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!  Ouch!  (The old bat just punched me!)  The woman can’t take a joke.  (Although, in fairness, she did take me!)  On that pleasant and loving note, I shall take my leave of thee….   As my math teacher used to say, go forth and multiply!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  There is a photograph attached, and if you are the first person to identify the setting, you will win a free copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.  Good Luck!

 

DSCN1127

 

 

MR. (GOOD) DEEDS GOES TO TOWN!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.  I am proud to announce that I have joined a wonderful new charity called “Project E-Book,” a group dedicated to providing FREE e-books to members of the United States Air Force!  Consequently, all of my brilliant mystery novels will soon be FREE to currently serving members our military.  Sooo… if you have family or friends serving in the Air Force, please let them know about this modest token of appreciation.  (Hopefully, this will soon be available to ALL branches of our military.)

If you’re a writer, think about joining us in this noble endeavor.  Please remember that this small sacrifice for our heros in uniform is a small consequence when weighed against the sacrifice these folks make on a daily basis.  If you’re interested, please contact me for details about the project.  Until then, at ease blog followers!

So what else be new?  Well, we are still waiting for two famous authors to “sign off” on a back cover blurb for RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  (Yes, they actually charge for these endorsements!)  If we don’t come to terms this week, the book will be published without their glowing words of praise.  (Just between us, who cares what Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett think?  Neither one of them have written anything new in years.)

In other news…..  Mitt Romney has decided NOT to run for President.  He said it was time for fresh faces.  So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.  Personally, I like Romney.  He reminds me of the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Harper Lee, the author of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” is publishing her second novel after a 55-year hiatus.  (She must be a slow thinker.)  Anyway, the book is tentatively titled, “Mock Two:  The Need For Speed.”  If you ask me, the title is for the birds.  What would you expect from an empty-nester?  (Did those jokes lay an egg?)  Apparently, she releases a new book every time the measles comes back.  Connect the dots and you’ll see what I mean.

Did you hear that Tom Brady, the quarterback of the Patriots, won the M.V.P. award at the Super Bowl?  He received a brand new pickup truck.  I wonder if the tires were properly inflated?  Personally, I think they should have given the truck to the guy most responsible for the Patriot’s victory.  (Seattle coach, Pete Carroll!)

Before I forget, I would like to thank the good folks at Ohio State University (department of history) for adding THE SECOND MOURNING to their suggested reading list for incoming freshman.  I hope those youngsters learn a thing or two about our wonderful country and its amazing history.  (Hope springs eternal!)

Finally, in closing, I would like to briefly address a vicious rumor floating around the Internet.  There is no truth, none whatsoever, that ANY of my mystery novels have been “ghost written” by Brian Williams!  A couple of chapters might have been penned by Dan Rather, but I forget which ones they were.  (If you find any misspelled words, that was Daniel’s fault.)

Well, my dear friends, I must be on my way…..   tonight is a special reunion dinner with some dear old chums, and the event requires that I bathe and shave and change my socks.  What can I say, ” a friend in need, should be clean indeed.”  I think the great Asian philosopher, Confusion, said that.  Please take care and have a wonderful week!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Attached are a few more photographs from my river cruise in France.  (The locale of my new book, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.)

 

DSCN1076DSCN1115DSCN1150

SUPER BOWL FUNDAY!

Well, football fans, are you ready for the big game?  If not, perhaps you’re feeling a bit “deflated” because of the cheating scandal.  Just remember the immortal words of Banzai Bernie Lipman (my Little League coach) who said:  “Remember, lads, anything worth winning, is worth cheating for.”  What a guy.  Hey, did you see that the NFL found a video of those deflated footballs alone in an elevator with Ray Rice?  Hmm, where’s there’s smoke, there’s Cheech and Chong.

Speaking of nonevents, what do you folks think about “The Blizzard of Oz,” a/k/a “The Blizzard That Never Was?”  Can you believe that they shut down N.Y.C. because of snow flurries?  I was expecting to see a lot more flakes in Manhattan.  (Too easy!)  Al Sharpton was the only person who was happy about the weather.  He got all excited when he heard there might be a “white-out.”

Can you believe that Sky Mall Magazine is going out of business?  Where the heck are passengers going to put their chewing gum?  I’m going to miss all those worthless and totally useless items, but thankfully we still have Sharper Image.  (and Congress!)

So what’s new on the book front?  (or the back cover)  Well, if you read my second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, you know that it centered around the treasure of Captain Kidd.  Oddly enough, marine archaeologists recently located Blackbeard’s ship, “Queen Anne’s Revenge,” off the coast of North Carolina.  Last week, divers recovered a urethral syringe used to inject mercury for the treatment of syphilis.  (ouch!)  They also  brought up a clyster pump used to deliver medical enemas.  (double ouch!)  I feel sorry for those poor pirates.  They never knew if they were coming or going!

Since we’re on the subject of pirates, I might mention that my distinguished literary agent, Blind Lemon Berkowitz, has assured me that my 4th mystery novel (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) will soon be available to the general pubic.  I have complete trust and faith in the man.  After all, he comes from old money (he stole his grandmother’s Social Security checks) and he grew up in a gated community.  (Sing Sing)  What, me worry?

My spring book tour is being finalized and will be published shortly.  (In case you want to rob me while I’m gone.)  I am quite excited about our upcoming itinerary and most excited to be visiting some places that I have never been to.  (What’s a library?)  Anyway, I will keep you posted, just in case you want to attend one of the book signings or loan me money for gas.

I wish you all a merry week.  Be careful out there and keep in touch.  I will be rooting for the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl, but I don’t feel too confident about my team.  Well, as Yogi Bear once said, “Nobody goes there any more.  It’s too crowded.”  No, wait, that wasn’t it.  I meant to say “It ain’t over till it’s over.”   (Like this blog, thank God!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

RansomOnTheRhoneCoverpiratepathcover

 

 

THE GREAT DEPRESSION!

I know what you’re thinking…  “Here we go again.  Another joke about Michael Moore’s Lazy Boy chair.”  Well, you’re wrong.  I couldn’t care less what that buffoon thinks of the movie “American Sniper.”  I know the truth.  I’ve spent countless hours, even days, in the woods hunting for snipe.  And since we’re on the subject of movies, what’s up with all this criticism of Hollywood’s lack of diversity?  Before you know it, Susan Sarandon will be starring in a remake of her most famous film, but she will call it, “Selma & Louise.”  (The role of Louise to be played by GloZell.)

Getting back to “depressing subjects,” what do you folks think about Deflate-gate?  My wife was shocked, shocked I say, to learn that the Patriots deflated their own footballs.  Now she’s wondering if the New York Yankees have been doing the same thing!  (Hey, at least she hasn’t asked about Tiger Woods!)

According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s!  (I might be wrong, but I think every one of them was re-elected last November.)

Bad news on the tax front.  Due to budget cuts, the I.R.S. is warning of long delays in getting a tax refund.  How bad have things become?  The I.R.S. is considering a merger with the DMV!  The good news is that the I.R.S. will be conducting fewer audits, so if you’ve been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents, this might be the year to do it.  (Where is that darn dog, anyway?)

Sad to report that Joe Franklin passed away last night.  Joe was 88 years old, and the long-time host of a local T.V. program in New York.  Back in the day, he was nice enough to allow a young, struggling playwright to promote his newest comedy on air.  (Me!)  He was a complete gentleman and one of the nicest people in show business.  R.I.P., sweet prince!

In closing, I have a very special treat for all of my loyal blog followers.  The front cover of my soon-to-be-released 7th mystery is now completed, and the book (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) is on its way to the publisher!  I am attaching (hopefully) a photograph of the cover, and I would love to hear your opinions.  Just so you have something to compare it to, here is the descriptive paragraph that appears on the back cover:

“The theft of a priceless Gobelin tapestry drags insurance investigator, Adam Gold, into the murky and violent world of international artnapping – and a life or death struggle with the Corsican mafia.  In an effort to retrieve the tapestry, Gold will also become embroiled in the recovery of artwork stolen by the Nazis during World War II.  A deadly confrontation will ensue, culminating in a startling and unforgettable climax.”

Well, that’s about it for this morning…   I hope you like the new book cover, and I will let you know when it becomes available for purchase.  Thanks again for your continued encouragement and support!  Have a safe and happy week…  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

RansomOnTheRhoneCover

 

 

YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND…

WAIT, don’t log out!  I promise not to sing a James Taylor song!  I actually enjoy his music, but that performance with Secretary Kerry was, well, a bit “off-key.”  Well, I guess it could have been worse.  Just imagine if Kerry wanted to sing the chorus.  Personally, since they were serenading the French, I think they should have picked a more appropriate song.  I was thinking of an Elvis Presley tune, his 1961 hit, SURRENDER!  Of course, the French being French, they would have undoubtedly chosen a Rolling Stone’s song.  (Let’s Spend The Night Together.)

Speaking of lame politicians, the rumors are true!  I have been asked to run for the school board!  (Fitting, since I was always bored in school.)  I told the selection committee that I was unqualified to run for public office.  (I have never been arrested, my wife won’t let me have a girlfriend, and I only accept bribes of Kentucky Bourbon.)  Furthermore, I paraphrased the words of that great statesman, William T. Sherman, and told them:  “If nominated, I will not run.  If elected, I will not serve.  If I am forced to serve, I want a big tip.”  They haven’t gotten back to me yet, so your children are still safe.

A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal.  And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination!

And since we’re on the subject of safe destinations, last night’s gala birthday dinner party at Chateau Talbott was a complete culinary and winery success!  Guests were treated (they didn’t charge this time) to a marvelous rendition of coffee-rubbed pot roast served over Alabama cheese grits.  Naturally, I regaled the entourage with some delightful tales of my misspent youth, and several of the ladies actually remained in a conscious state during my oration.

We were celebrating the joint birthdays (no, NOT that type of joint) of Judge Susan and the Queen of Board Games, Miss Jaimie.  The ladies are aging marvelously and still retain the lustre and glow of vitality, despite years of making out and dirty dancing.  They were both thrilled that the new Congress will have 104 women.  (Now you know why they call it the Washington “Mall!”)

Still freezing in most parts of the country.  I suggested that they ship hot soup in the Keystone Pipeline.  No response from the EPA.  Hey, did you see that Dallas had a 3.5 magnitude earthquake?  Some folks are blaming fracking in Oklahoma, but I think it was probably caused by Governor Christie jumping up and down after the Cowboys football victory.  Just saying.

For those of you that are sick and tired of reading those lousy books by Grisham, Patterson, and King (sounds like a dang law firm) cheer up!  I will be initialing the final publishing contracts for my new book on Monday morning!  (Tomorrow.)  Shortly thereafter, you will be able to drop everything you’re doing (which I don’t mind, unless you’re feeding a baby) and run over to the computer to order your copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE!  Hopefully, I will attach a few photographs of my visit to the city of Lyon at the end of this blog post.  (Lyon is in the center of France, and is thought to be the culinary capital of the country.)

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a wonderful upcoming week.  Thanks to your continued support, our Sunday blog finished 2014 in the top 5% of all blog sites in the country!  This minor miracle could not have been accomplished without your loyal and loving support, so thank you very much!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Photographies de France attaches.  (Photographs of France attached)

 

DSCN1070DSCN1072DSCN1059