SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

THE GRASS HAS RIZ!  I WONDER WHERE MY TAX REFUND IS?  (I won’t hold my breath!)  Well, in any case, let me start by wishing my faithful blog followers a very Happy Easter and a very Happy Passover.  I do hope you were able to spend the holiday with your loved ones, or folks that didn’t eat too much.  We celebrated by hosting the 62nd Annual Cajun Birthday Festival for Lee Bomblatus, the gentleman who single-handedly made Dell Computers a mega-corporation.  (Lee used to “screen” perspective employees.)  The wife (Princess Patty) made a huge caldron of her famous Swamp Thing Gumbo, and my goodness, did we eat well!  I am happy to report that only two utensils were “accidentally” taken by our guests, and that there was only one arrest.  Around here, that is what passes for a good night!

So last Friday I had my semi-annual head-to-toe health exam, and as usual, it provided a lot of new comedy material.  My nurse was a charming woman from Trinidad  (Trini was her dad’s name) and her “medical notes” were hilarious.  Here are a few of her actual observations…..

1.  “The patient has two female children, but no other abnormalities.”  (Actually those two are enough!)

2.  “Examination of the patient’s groin area reveals that he is circus sized.”  (No comment.)

3.  “The lab test indicated normal lover function.”   (Whatever that is!)

You know, at my age, my “train of thought” often leaves the station without me, but I must say, I could be a very rich man if they would let me hang around the doctor’s office for a while and take some more notes!  Speaking of doctors and such…..  the answer to last week’s trivia question (what famous ‘medical person’ ran out to help President Garfield after he was shot) is…..  Clara Barton!  (The founder of the American Red Cross.)  Nobody got the right answer….. so here’s another question:

Which ethnic group introduced America to the “Easter Bunny?”  (Hint:  They were not from Easter Island.)  These immigrants, who came over in the 1700s, had a custom of giving out brightly colored eggs in the spring….. and when you read my upcoming book, THE SECOND MOURNING, you will learn that they also introduced an unusual treat to Pennsylvania and the Ohio Wilderness….. a twisted dough concoction sprinkled with salt.  First correct answer wins a free copy of my new book.

I was driving by a herd of cattle the other day, and I could swear that the cows looked familiar.  Would this be an example of deja moo?  No bull, this really happened.  Maybe I shouldn’t try to milk this routine any further, eh?

Did you folks catch a glimpse of last week’s solar eclair?  I know a great deal about astrology, so for me it was a real eye-opener.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a real Renaissance man.  (I actually prefer Hampton Inn, but that’s an inside joke.)  Well, my dear friends, I must leave you now.  Time to finish off the remaining gumbo.  Ya Ya, baby!

Have a safe and wonderful week and don’t forget to spray the Lysol early and often!

Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

 

 

MOONDAY IS TUESDAY!

YES, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CONFUSING…..  However, on Tuesday, April 15th, the moon will become blood red!  How can this be?  Are the Russians invading?  Are we facing another Ukraine?  No, my friends, this is all part of the upcoming lunar eclipse.  Sounds nutty to me.  I’ve heard of a moon beam, Jack Beam, and beam me up, Scotty, but a pink moon beam?  This I have to see.  By the way, in case you’re interested, some enterprising Aggie (a student at Texas A & M University) is selling tickets to the viewing.  Unlimited viewing for only $25.00!  Now is that “out of this world” or what?  Hey, if you brought a watch to the moon, would you be a “lunar-tick?”  Hmmm.

Tuesday’s lunar event means a great deal to me, because as some of you know, when I was in college I was studying to become an astronaut.  Well, I was actually taking up space.  In any case, I know a great deal about heavenly bodies.  (I dated a lot.)  The eclipse will peak at 3 a.m. (eastern time) and will mark the beginning of lunar festival, which will feature 4 consecutive total eclipses happening at about six month intervals!

Let’s come back down to earth for a moment, shall we?  Question:  What is 500 pages long, has 731 endnotes, an incredible plot, brilliant cover, and will soon (around May 1st) be available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Kindle, and Nook?  If you said THE SECOND MOURNING (The Untold Story of America’s Most Bizarre Political Murder) you are right!  The book is now in its final stage of production, and since I was forced to read the darn thing, I can assure you that you are going to love this one.

Speaking of historical events…..  last week’s trivia contest was won (thirty seconds after I posted the image!) by…..  Ms. Karen Anne Smith of Lopez Island, Washington.  OMG, do I have some brilliant blog followers.  Within minutes, the correct answer (Hiram College or Hiram Eclectic Institute) was given by Randall Holahan, Larry Wood, and Leigh Ann Woodward!  Three certified geniuses!  Well done, folks.

Here’s today’s trivia question:  What historical “medical person” offered to help President Garfield after he was shot?  (Hint:  The person was a “she.”)  Unfortunately, she wasn’t allowed into the White House, but she did make an effort to help.  First prize will be an autographed copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.  Good luck!

A friendly reminder:  Tuesday, April 15th, is also the day that you must be concerned about dollars and taxes.  (I once went to Dallas, Texas, which is similar, but different.)  I still don’t understand why they call it a “tax return,” when all we do is send them money and seldom get anything in return.  Nonetheless, be a good citizen and send in your returns in a timely and painful fashion.  Does anybody know if you are required to file a return EVERY year?  Just curious.  My account (Jesse James Lipschitz) isn’t sure about that part of the law.

So get this….. my wife went to “Red Box” and got a movie that she thought was about our marriage!  (12 Years A Slave.)  Turns out, it had almost nothing to do with marital bliss.  I enjoyed the movie, and have now re-thought my position on slavery.  I wanted to watch “Gravity,” but my bride “wasn’t down with that!”  (Are these jokes “reel bad?”)

Well, it’s time for breakfast (noon) so I must run.  Enjoy your day and don’t forget to watch the night sky!  Have a safe and wonderful week!   Love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

FAST AND FURIOUS!

NO, I WILL NOT BE DISCUSSING MY HONEYMOON NIGHT AGAIN!  (Besides, as I explained to the wife, I had jet lag.)  Nor will I be discussing illegal gun shipments to Mexico.  Actually, I’m referring to my writing revisions, which have been fast and furious in order hit my publishing deadline for THE SECOND MOURNING.  Man, this editing thing is for the birds.  No rest for the wicked, I mean, the weary.  I don’t even have time to take a nap!  Which reminds me…..  If a person refuses to take a nap, could they be locked up for….. “resisting a rest?”  Hmmmm.

Well, what else is new?  (Wait, don’t tell me!)  I am pleased to announce that I received notification that DEVIL’S COVE (Adam Gold mystery number three) was recently nominated to receive the 2014 Raymond Chandler Writing Award!  However, I wouldn’t get my hopes up.  (Elmore Leonard is also in the running!)  Still, all of these little awards add up, and I am thrilled to be among such wonderful writers.  In other words, I have little chance of winning, but my writing resume keeps growing.  Nothing wrong with that.

On the subject of honors…..  The Mighty Cobra (my poker identity) was well on his way to another final table when he tangled with Rich “Big Win” Walker last Thursday evening.  Incredibly, my pair of sevens held up against his Ace/King!  However, the poker gods do have a wicked sense of humor, so a few hands later my two aces in the hole got busted by a lousy set of fives!  Life ain’t fair!

Did you folks hear that President Obama asked the Pope to make him a saint because of Obamacare?  The Pope said he would consider the request, since it was going to take a miracle to make the program work!  All I can say is Bingo!

I have attached another photograph to this blog, so if you are the first person to tell me where this lady went to college, you will win a $100 gift card!  Good luck, and no cheating!  (If you were willing to split the prize with me, I might give you the answer!)

Speaking of great prizes…..   I would like to share some bizarre history with you folks.  As you might know, my next book (The Second Mourning) deals with the assassination of President Garfield.  Well, try this on for size…..  Did you know that Lincoln was shot at the theatre named “Ford?”  Kennedy was shot in a car called “Lincoln,” which was made by….. Ford!  (Get this:  Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.  Both Presidents were shot in the head.  Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.  Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln!)  Ah, the mystery of history!!

Well, my dear family and friends, that’s about it for this week.  Please tune in next Sunday for another thrilling post, and until we meet again, please have a safe and happy week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

P.S.  This Sunday’s blog is dedicated to “Miss Mollie,” a very special dog who brought fifteen years of happiness to a dear friend.  R.I.P., little princess.

And now for your photograph…..

 

LucretiaGarfield

 

YANOFF WINS MEGA-LOTTERY MILLIONS!

BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED, OR ASK TO BORROW MONEY…..  I would simply like to remind you that April first is just around the corner.  (i.e., April Fools’ Day!)  Perhaps I should have gotten your attention with a different headline.  How about…..  CRACKPOT WINS JACKPOT!  Did you know that our national day of pranks is based upon ancient Roman and Hindu festivals which occurred just after the VERNAL EQUINOX?  (Which is similar to the VENAL MAALOX.)  Me neither.  Some folks believe it was ushered in as part of “spring fever,” and others think it is connected to the Jewish spring holiday of Purim.  (One of my favorite holidays.  You bring the wine, and the host will pour ‘em!)  I think it has something to do with the I.R.S., but I can’t prove it.

Today, March 30th, was an interesting day in history, too.  On this very day, in 1856, Russia signed the Peace of Paris Treaty ending….. the Crimea War!  (What goes around, comes around.)

On this day, in 1870, Texas became the LAST Confederate state to be readmitted to the Union.  (Clearly a foolish mistake on our part.)  Whose idea was that?  (Somebody get a rope!)

On this day, in 1976, INDIANA went undefeated and won the NCAA Basketball Championship.  Are you from Indiana?  Hoosier mama?  Hoosier papa?  What the heck is a hoosier, anyway?

On this very day, in 1992, Anthony Hopkins AND Jodie Foster won Academy Awards for acting in a sweet, family-oriented animal movie.  (The Silence of the Lambs.)  Hey, I’m only trying to “pull the wool” over your eyes… this is one scary movie!

Speaking of scary things…..  Last week I appeared on a local radio show, sharing some insurance insights into the tragic disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.  You might be interested to know what I discussed with the host…..  The Boeing 777 that was lost was valued at….. $320,000,000!  (Yep, you read that right.)  The plane contains over 3,000,000 different parts, manufactured by over 500 different companies around the world.  The insurance coverage is “All Risk,” which covers nearly every peril known to man.  (Which is why the companies involved have already begun to pay out claims.)  The high cost of the aircraft is due, in part, to the fact that it can travel at close to 600 mph — and has a cruising range of 6,000 miles.  I thought you might like to know these details, as the “insurance angle” is seldom discussed in the media.

On a lighter note…..  My esteemed publisher is working on the final book cover revisions for THE SECOND MOURNING.  I am very pleased with the cover and will be doing the final editing one day next week.  I really think you’re going to enjoy this story and I will keep you informed of my progress.  In the meantime, if you would like to listen to my coast-to-coast radio interview of last week, simply go to the website I listed on last Sunday’s blog.  You will find a convenient link.  Let me know what you think.

If are the first person to correctly identify the attached photograph, you will win a $25 gift card to Target.  (But if I were you, I would not give them your credit card information!)  Unless, of course, you want to become a target.  (Of identity thieves)  Did I mention that somebody stole my identity last week?  The son of gun cancelled his credit cards and told the police that he was embarrassed to be me!  He actually resumed his former identity!  (The cops told me that he was a voracious reader, whatever that means.)  Well, have a great week, and love to all…..

Doc Yanoff

On this day, in

THE BIG BROADCAST!

MURDER INK PRESS, IN AFFILIATION WITH PENGUIN BOOKS, IS PROUD TO  PRESENT THE COAST TO COAST INTERVIEW OF AUSTIN’S AWARD-WINNING AUTHOR, STEPHEN G. YANOFF.

 

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PRESS “PLAY” AND THE ENTIRE RADIO INTERVIEW WILL BE AVAILABLE!  I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE SHOW!

 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT!

 

DOC YANOFF

 


FREQUENCY IS IMPORTANT!

NO, NOT THAT KIND OF FREQUENCY!  I’m referring to your radio frequency, ergo I shall remind thee of my upcoming radio interview, scheduled for this Tuesday, March 25th.  If you prefer, I will post a link to the podcast and you can listen at your leisure.  I’ve heard a tape of the interview, and I was very pleased.  (I only mispronounced my main character’s name once!)  The host, Jack Drucker, was exceedingly complimentary, which was a very pleasant surprise.  (He must not read a lot!)  Mr. Drucker thinks I might become a household name.  (If I change my name to Stephen Can-Opener.)  In any case it was a great experience and a terrific opportunity to discuss DEVIL’S COVE and my other semi-brilliant mystery novels.

As some of you know, my first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING is now in the hands of my publisher.  I’m told to expect a publication date in mid-April, which is a lovely time of year down here in Austin, Texas.  (Wildflowers and such)  I shall keep you informed of my progress.  So, how was your St. Paddy’s Day?  Did you know that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland?  (One reptile kept asking, “Are we there yet?”  Another had to stop and use the bathroom.)  I’m not sure, but I think the snakes were driven west, toward the District of Columbia.  Just saying.

My literary agent (Black Bart Berkowitz) tells me that my name was recently added to Vladimir Putin’s “no travel” list.  (I am now persona non gratitude in Russia.)  No big deal.  Did you know that there is a group of Russians that are claiming that Putin is a ruthless tyrant?  Do you know what they’re called?  Missing.

Speaking of oddities, did you hear about the “Woman’s Butt Size Study” that was conducted at Harvard University?  The results were quite interesting:   10% of women think their ass is too skinny.  30% of women think their ass is too fat.  60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world!  (Would you folks like to guess which category my wife is in?)  Women!

After a short absence (due to parole requirements) I have returned to the world of professional, high-stakes poker.  Registering under the name of The Mighty Cobra (a lot of snakes in this blog, huh?) I managed to make the final table at the huge Steiner Ranch Tournament last Thursday!  If you can identify the photograph attached to this blog, I just might share my winnings with you!  (All right,  maybe not, but I will autograph your copy of THE SECOND MOURNING.)

Finally, I would like to mention that my book signing at the Barton Creek Mall has been postponed.  (At my request.)  I must attend another function, a birthday party hosted by the eminent Judge Susan!  We will be celebrating the birthdays of Patricia E. Yanoff (a living saint) and Ms. Barbara Talbott (a true martyr)  Gifts are not necessary, unless you want some food or drink or don’t care about walking around with a black eye and a broken arm.

In closing I would like to remind you that life is short….. so smile while you still have teeth!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

RoscoeConkling