THE GREAT DEPRESSION!

I know what you’re thinking…  “Here we go again.  Another joke about Michael Moore’s Lazy Boy chair.”  Well, you’re wrong.  I couldn’t care less what that buffoon thinks of the movie “American Sniper.”  I know the truth.  I’ve spent countless hours, even days, in the woods hunting for snipe.  And since we’re on the subject of movies, what’s up with all this criticism of Hollywood’s lack of diversity?  Before you know it, Susan Sarandon will be starring in a remake of her most famous film, but she will call it, “Selma & Louise.”  (The role of Louise to be played by GloZell.)

Getting back to “depressing subjects,” what do you folks think about Deflate-gate?  My wife was shocked, shocked I say, to learn that the Patriots deflated their own footballs.  Now she’s wondering if the New York Yankees have been doing the same thing!  (Hey, at least she hasn’t asked about Tiger Woods!)

According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s!  (I might be wrong, but I think every one of them was re-elected last November.)

Bad news on the tax front.  Due to budget cuts, the I.R.S. is warning of long delays in getting a tax refund.  How bad have things become?  The I.R.S. is considering a merger with the DMV!  The good news is that the I.R.S. will be conducting fewer audits, so if you’ve been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents, this might be the year to do it.  (Where is that darn dog, anyway?)

Sad to report that Joe Franklin passed away last night.  Joe was 88 years old, and the long-time host of a local T.V. program in New York.  Back in the day, he was nice enough to allow a young, struggling playwright to promote his newest comedy on air.  (Me!)  He was a complete gentleman and one of the nicest people in show business.  R.I.P., sweet prince!

In closing, I have a very special treat for all of my loyal blog followers.  The front cover of my soon-to-be-released 7th mystery is now completed, and the book (RANSOM ON THE RHONE) is on its way to the publisher!  I am attaching (hopefully) a photograph of the cover, and I would love to hear your opinions.  Just so you have something to compare it to, here is the descriptive paragraph that appears on the back cover:

“The theft of a priceless Gobelin tapestry drags insurance investigator, Adam Gold, into the murky and violent world of international artnapping – and a life or death struggle with the Corsican mafia.  In an effort to retrieve the tapestry, Gold will also become embroiled in the recovery of artwork stolen by the Nazis during World War II.  A deadly confrontation will ensue, culminating in a startling and unforgettable climax.”

Well, that’s about it for this morning…   I hope you like the new book cover, and I will let you know when it becomes available for purchase.  Thanks again for your continued encouragement and support!  Have a safe and happy week…  Love to all…

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND…

WAIT, don’t log out!  I promise not to sing a James Taylor song!  I actually enjoy his music, but that performance with Secretary Kerry was, well, a bit “off-key.”  Well, I guess it could have been worse.  Just imagine if Kerry wanted to sing the chorus.  Personally, since they were serenading the French, I think they should have picked a more appropriate song.  I was thinking of an Elvis Presley tune, his 1961 hit, SURRENDER!  Of course, the French being French, they would have undoubtedly chosen a Rolling Stone’s song.  (Let’s Spend The Night Together.)

Speaking of lame politicians, the rumors are true!  I have been asked to run for the school board!  (Fitting, since I was always bored in school.)  I told the selection committee that I was unqualified to run for public office.  (I have never been arrested, my wife won’t let me have a girlfriend, and I only accept bribes of Kentucky Bourbon.)  Furthermore, I paraphrased the words of that great statesman, William T. Sherman, and told them:  “If nominated, I will not run.  If elected, I will not serve.  If I am forced to serve, I want a big tip.”  They haven’t gotten back to me yet, so your children are still safe.

A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal.  And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination!

And since we’re on the subject of safe destinations, last night’s gala birthday dinner party at Chateau Talbott was a complete culinary and winery success!  Guests were treated (they didn’t charge this time) to a marvelous rendition of coffee-rubbed pot roast served over Alabama cheese grits.  Naturally, I regaled the entourage with some delightful tales of my misspent youth, and several of the ladies actually remained in a conscious state during my oration.

We were celebrating the joint birthdays (no, NOT that type of joint) of Judge Susan and the Queen of Board Games, Miss Jaimie.  The ladies are aging marvelously and still retain the lustre and glow of vitality, despite years of making out and dirty dancing.  They were both thrilled that the new Congress will have 104 women.  (Now you know why they call it the Washington “Mall!”)

Still freezing in most parts of the country.  I suggested that they ship hot soup in the Keystone Pipeline.  No response from the EPA.  Hey, did you see that Dallas had a 3.5 magnitude earthquake?  Some folks are blaming fracking in Oklahoma, but I think it was probably caused by Governor Christie jumping up and down after the Cowboys football victory.  Just saying.

For those of you that are sick and tired of reading those lousy books by Grisham, Patterson, and King (sounds like a dang law firm) cheer up!  I will be initialing the final publishing contracts for my new book on Monday morning!  (Tomorrow.)  Shortly thereafter, you will be able to drop everything you’re doing (which I don’t mind, unless you’re feeding a baby) and run over to the computer to order your copy of RANSOM ON THE RHONE!  Hopefully, I will attach a few photographs of my visit to the city of Lyon at the end of this blog post.  (Lyon is in the center of France, and is thought to be the culinary capital of the country.)

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a wonderful upcoming week.  Thanks to your continued support, our Sunday blog finished 2014 in the top 5% of all blog sites in the country!  This minor miracle could not have been accomplished without your loyal and loving support, so thank you very much!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Photographies de France attaches.  (Photographs of France attached)

 

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THE KING OF SING!

Hard to believe, but last Thursday, January 8th, would have been Elvis Presley’s 80th birthday!  Everyone has a favorite Elvis song.  My wife loves the tune that reminds her of our honeymoon…  Heartbreak Hotel.  (She ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog!)  Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea, also celebrated a birthday last week.  He spent the day executing a few of his closest friends and reading Sony’s emails.  What a guy.  No wonder he likes Dennis Rodman.

Getting back to The King, I am pleased to report that my first mystery novel, THE GRACELAND GANG, has become one of the best-selling books on the official Graceland website!  If you’re looking for some Presley memorabilia, check out “Graceland @ shop.com”  I sent them a case of autographed copies, but they’re almost sold out, so don’t wait too long!  (Of course, you could also call me.  But don’t call “collect.”)

And since we’re on the subject of books, if you’ve “Googled” my name in recent weeks you might have noticed that THE PIRATE PATH and DEVIL’S COVE (books two and three) have now been translated into Japanese!  I understand that the books are now available throughout Japan.  All I can say is “arigato.”  (No kidding, that’s all I can say!)

By the way, for those of you who live in Estonia, good news.  You will soon have electricity and running water.  (Just kidding.)  My first non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has recently been translated into Estonian!  One must ask, can Belarus and Latvia be far behind?  I’d actually like to go to Estonia, even though it’s a very poor country.  (They can’t even afford a coat of arms!)  I just hope my books are being discounted.  (Most of my writing is discounted.)

Hey, it looks like Bill Gates isn’t so rich after all.  I just saw a photograph of him drinking a glass of water that was filtered from human excrement!  Jeez, I hope he got into the fraternity.  Now I know why his wife is always screaming about the toilet seat.  (I’ve been down that road once or twice myself!)

For those of you that are still awake, I’ve got some more good news!  The fourth installment of the “Adam Gold Mystery Series” is now at the publisher and undergoing a final check for accuracy, decency, and honesty.  (There’s no way this book will sneak through!)  God willing, you will soon see RANSOM ON THE RHONE online and in your favorite book store.  Until then, you will just have to read some lessor authors, like King, Patterson, and Grisham.

In truth, I’m working as fast as I can.  When I was working in the insurance business in New York City, I never took a day off!  (Couple of weeks, but never a day.)  What can I say, my work ethic is superb.  In fact, my Dad used to tell me that I did the work of three men!  (Moe, Larry, and Curly!)  Well, dear friends, I must leave you now.  I must take Baker, the wonder dog, to the park.  I lead a “ruff life.”

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, it’s official, 2015 is now here.  How was your New Year’s Eve?  Did you know that over one million people gathered in Times Square to watch the ball drop and have their wallets pickpocketed?  I didn’t see a single Porta John, so be very careful where you walk if you’re headed there this week.  (and remember what your mother told you about eating yellow snow!)  Just for the record…  44% of Americans kiss someone at the stroke of midnight.  Half of those know the other person.  61% say a prayer.  (I pray that someone will kiss ME!)  Incredibly, 360 million glasses of champagne are consumed during the holiday season.

In case you’re wondering, the states with the highest consumption of champagne are…..  California, Illinois, New York, Florida, and Texas.  (Arkansas is last, but only because the bottles do not come with instructions for opening.)

Speaking of numbers…  the final statistics on last year’s blog activity were sent out this week.  I am thrilled to report that our blog gained followers in 71 different countries!  We also added 5,700 new followers!  The countries that viewed the most blog posts were…  America, Brazil, and Italy.  I’d like to sincerely thank each and every one of you, and encourage you to invite one of your significant others to join us!

I attended a lavish party on New Year’s Eve, hosted by the incomparable Jamie & Gary Rubenstein.  Lots of great food and stimulating conversation, but as usual, I barely got a word in.  However, I did manage to briefly summarize the first 45 years of my utterly fascinating life.  Bowing to rules of etiquette, I only talked about myself for two hours, and was then compelled to ask the other guests what they thought about me.  (I cannot print their responses in a public forum.)

The guest list was a little sketchy, but vaguely entertaining.  The Talbotts were “on the wagon,” so they drank Canada Dry.  (I tried to drink Canada dry the last time I went to Montreal.)  Judge Susan brought a dip.  (I didn’t catch his name.)  Pat Cutrone was cold, so she arrived with a capon.  Patty and I never show up empty-handed, so as usual, we brought a fork and knife.  (She also took some silverware.)  I must say that this year’s entertainment was, well, unique.  Have you ever played Pictionary in the nude?  (Now I know why they’re called magic markers!)

Finally, a new Harvard study confirmed that American women suffer the most frequent mood swings during their minstrel cycle.  (I know some men who suffer, too.)  Frankly, most men think that a minstrel cycle has something to do with a bike rider wearing blackface.  Having studied female autonomy, I know the difference, and understand what women go through during this, uh, period.  Come to think of it, this might be the origin of the term “hell on wheels.”  Just saying.

Well, my dear friends, time to say sayonara.  Breakfast awaits (I hope) and as they say in the fish store…  “carp diem!”  I bid you all a fond farewell and hope you have a marvelous week.  A last tidbit of advice…  If you want to follow your dreams, go back to bed!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

*** Attached are some photographs recently taken aboard the Queen Mary.  Thanks to my publicist, Gary Rubenstein, my new non-fiction book, THE SECOND MOURNING, is now the official history book of Cunard Cruise Lines!

 

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SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT?

I can think of a few old acquaintances I’d like to forget!  Well, here we are, about to bid a fond farewell to 2014.  In three short days the year will be history.  (Literally!)  So, my dear friends, are you going to make any New Year’s resolutions?  Now that we’re making friends with Cuba, I’m going to make some revolutions.  I might even fly down to Havana to visit my hubcaps.  Actually, I’d like to buy one of those 1956 Chevy cars that I see puttering around the city.  Do you think they put Castro oil in those vehicles?  I once tried to buy a Cuban car online, but the deal fell apart.  (Close, but no cigar!)  I think it will be nice to establish relations with a Communist country that won’t hack us.  (Cubans are only allowed to hack sugar cane.)

Speaking of those pesky North Koreans, did you see what they did on Christmas Eve?  They leaked Santa’s “naughty list!”  Bastards.  No wonder I didn’t get any gifts.  Hey, at least they didn’t do what those not-so-great Danes did.  Believe it or not, Denmark is claiming that they own the North Pole!  They are about to forcibly seize the entire place!  Who do they think they are, Russia?  If they try to evict Santa Claus, I say we go to war!  (with snowballs)

Last week, I drove up to Glen Rose, Texas, to visit Dinosaur State Park.  Very cool place.  As some of you might know, I consider myself to be an amateur paleontologist.  I have spent many years studying the period when dinosaurs roamed the earth.  We call this the Meander-thal Period.  (They did a lot of roaming.)  My favorite beast was the Brontosaurus.  I’m also fasciated by his fast-moving cousin, the Pronto-saurus.  (The smartest of the breed was the Thesaurus, but they’re extinct, too.)

On Saturday, we trekked down to the Ransom Center at the University of Texas, to attend a special display called “The Making of Gone With The Wind.”  Excellent exhibit.  Lots of photographs, costumes, and production notes.  Did you know that the producers originally intended to make a more modest movie?  They had a script that was titled “Gone With The Gust,” but the head of the studio blew off that idea.  The original cast included Gale Storm, Hurricane Carter, and Charles Blow.  (Music provided by Howlin’ Wolf.)  Do you think I’m being too breezy?

For those of you who love the sound of my voice, (mainly my mother) I have some wonderful news!  Due to popular demand, (Mom again) The National Book Club has decided to re-broadcast my last book interview!  The entire program, in which we discuss THE SECOND MOURNING, will be aired on Tuesday, December 30th, at the noon hour.  The show comes on right after “Imus In The Morning,” and will be broadcast from coast to coast.  You can also listen to the entire interview online.  Simply go to:   http://www.the-book-club-with-John-Austin.  (Scroll down until you see my name.)

Well, my dear blog followers, I must leave you now.  I see that my darling wife has some of her hot buns on display.  (Now, stop that!  She’s in the kitchen!)  Honey, I can shrink the kids, but not my stomach!  Let me close by wishing you a very happy and healthy New Year.  On a serious note, please DO NOT drink and drive.  I wish all of you the very best!

Vaya con Dios…   Know what I mean?    Peace and joy…   In 2015!

Love to all,   Doc Yanoff

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, 2014!

If you celebrate Christmas, joy to the world!  If you celebrate Hanukkah, oy to the world!  Either way, I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season, filled with laughter and love!  I love the holidays because of all the gifts I receive.  (Actually, I have enough lumps of coal to open my own mine!)  It’s good to have an open mine, yes?  Still, I’m hoping that Santa will bring me something different this year.  Here’s a hint:  Coal and diamonds are primarily made of carbon.  If you squeeze that black lump, and add some heat, you’ll get a sparking jewel.  (I once saw Superman do it.)  Just saying.

Speaking of gifts, here are this week’s trivia questions:  What gifts did the Three Wise Men bring?  If you said gold, frankincense, and myrrh, you’re right!  (If you said “Adam Gold,” The Bride of Frankenstein, and Myrrh Griffin, we need to talk.)  Second question:  What is the meaning of Hanukkah?  If you said it was an 8-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple, you’re right!  (If you said Jews are supposed to sing “You Light Up My Life,” and burn the candle at both ends, we need to talk.)

So what’s new in the secular world?  Well, this week President Obama reached out to a wacky government of commie radicals living on a small island close to the U.S. mainland.  He even spoke to their left-leaning leader on the telephone!  (I have no idea what Obama and DeBlasio talked about.)

Hey, I joined a new club for writers this week.  It’s called the Thesaurus Club.  The only rule of the club is you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about meetings.

Did you hear about the man who walked into a bookstore and said, “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

Last Thursday I had the pleasure of attending the 2nd annual “Talbott Tuneful Tie Festival,” down at the Austin Club.  The food and wine were outstanding.  (I was out standing in the lobby.)  I’d like to thank our hosts, who recently posted bail, Barbara and Max Talbott.  Another perfect evening!  (Well, almost perfect.  Whistle-blower #7 was a problem.)

For those of you that are searching for the perfect last-minute gift, please remember that all of my searing novels are still available on Amazon.com, Barnesandnobe.com, Kindle, and Nook.  (Oddly enough, my searing books are not sold at Sears.)  Go figure.

In closing, I would like to share an interesting thought with my loyal blog followers.  Do you realize what you would have if you combined a fictional detective (similar to Adam Gold) with Santa Claus?  Why, nothing less than….. Santa Clues!  Verily, I say unto thee, go forth and have a marvelous holiday!  And please, remember one thing, try not to catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have flown south!

Peace on earth, goodwill toward men… and women, too!

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE…

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam… and I’ll show you a messy house!  Which reminds me, when a buffalo leaves home, what do his parents say?  (Bison!)  I actually love this song, but the lyrics don’t make much sense.  Who would build a house on a range?  The minute you turn on the gas, boom!  I shouldn’t judge.  I used to take naps in the refrigerator.  (We had a Westinghouse, so that’s where I wested!)  By now you might be wondering about the range humor, yes?

Well, the reason I mentioned a range is because I recently drove down to La Grange, Texas.  (In a Range Rover, no less!)  I was there to speak to a local book club, and I was quite surprised by the charm of this small Texas town.  After my brilliant oration (most remained awake) I stopped at the Texas Quilt Museum and the Czech Heritage Center, two very interesting places.  (The museum kept me in stitches, and I didn’t pass a single “bad Czech!”)  If you make the trip, stop at Weikel’s Store & Bakery for some yummy kolaches.

Last Wednesday, I reached a new milestone.  My second mystery novel, THE PIRATE PATH, has become something of a literary sensation down under (that would be Australia, not Hell!)  Believe it or not, the book is now selling on eBay for…..  $70.00!  G’day mate, that’s a lot of money!  Well, now I know what my mother did with those extra copies I sent her.  If you happen to have a signed copy, you should check out the selling prices on eBay.  (You can make some big money, honey!)

Speaking of books, my publisher is still twerking, I mean, tweaking the book covers for my next mystery novel titled, RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  They are determined to get it right, and their professionalism is truly inspiring.  God willing, the book will be published in mid-January.  In the meantime, I will be posting some photographs taken on the French river cruise that inspired the tale.  (We took a cruise on the Rhone through central France.)  I hope you enjoy them, and please feel free to send along your questions.

Did any of you folks watch the Geminid meteor shower last night?  I did, but I kept thinking about a friend of mine who lives in Bath, England. Must be strange to be in Bath and watch a shower.  I feel “drained” just thinking about it!

Hey, did you notice yesterday’s date?  12/13/14!  Easy to remember, but that will be the last time in your life that there will be 3 consecutive numbers like that.  Well, you know what they say about your number being up.  I celebrated the momentous occasion by painting a large number of doors (don’t ask) and attending a dinner party.  I wasn’t sure I’d be invited to the party, but then I realized that it would be at my house.

Well, I must take my leave, as I am actually “dog-sitting” again.  No, not for Baker.  For Miss Romy.  Baker is a cockapoo.  Romy is a labradoodle.  They both eat like creatures from Jurassic Park (non stop) but I love them dearly.  Who knew that one day I would own my own kennel?  Life is full of surprises.  (It’s a “ruff job” but somebody has to do it!)  Take care, don’t worry about the fleas, and have a wonderful week!

Love to all, Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Just in case I decide to sell the dogs, I would like to post their photographs….  The white one is Baker.  The brown one is Romy.

 

 

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