HOME SWEAT HOME!

AIN’T NUTHIN’ SWEET ABOUT THIS TEXAS HEAT, Y’ALL …..  Dang, it’s hot down here in Austin, Texas!  How hot is it?  (I’m glad you asked.)  It’s so hot the fire ants have opened up a Kool Aid stand!  It’s so hot the scorpions are crawling around with canteens!  It’s so hot…  Well, never mind, you get the idea.  Hey, before I forget, there’s an email going around offering Processed Pork, gelatin, and salt in a can.  If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT!  (It’s SPAM.)

So what else is new?  (Again, I’m glad you asked.)  Looks like Hillary Clinton is in big trouble because of her private server.  I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think it’s a waitress.  I think it has something to do with a computer, and I detest those darn things.  Why?  (What’s with all the questions?)  Because somebody recently stole my identity online!  You know the most humiliating part?  The son of a gun returned my identity the next day.  He said that after careful consideration he did NOT want to be me!  Loser.

Check this out…  there’s a novelty store in Houston that’s selling Donald Trump pinatas!  Look on the bright side, something good will finally come out of the guy!

I see that President Obama went to a federal prison.  (Calm down, he was only visiting.)  I think he went there to discuss prison reform….. and spend some time with a bunch of former Congressmen.  Did you know that there are no Jewish people in federal prison?  Why?  Because they eat lox.  (locks?)  All right, that was lame.  I blame the heat.

On a brighter note, I am happy to report that the United States team recently won the International Math Olympics!  Who says American kids can’t compete with those brainy Asians?  Our juveniles are smarter than those dang foreigners!  Congratulations to the American team:  Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu, and their coach, Po-Shen Loh.  (I hope those Asian folks learned a lesson!)

Well, as you can see from today’s post, I’ve finally reached the Wonder Years.  (I wonder where my car is parked?  I wonder where I left my cell phone?  I wonder where my glasses are?  I wonder if I’ve used these jokes before?)  Oh well, time marches on, and it’s better to be in the parade than you-know-where.  Incidentally, copies of THE SECOND MOURNING are still selling briskly and the recent awards have really increased sales.  Amazingly, RANSOM ON THE RHONE is still one of the best-selling mysteries in France, so all is good on the literary front.

As some of you may know, we now have over 20,000 blog followers in 140 different countries.  That being the case, some folks overseas have asked if I would post a photograph of my home in America.  (No, they are not with ISIS.)  Well, since I aim to please, and appreciate my blog followers enormously, I am going to attempt to post a recent photo of my private abode.  (Notice I said abode, not commode.)  I might point out that shortly after this picture was taken, I had a reptile dysfunction on my porch.  A rather long, black snake decided to crawl through my legs as I was consuming a cold beer.  I have therefore attached (hopefully) a photo of this particular reptile.  By the way, this fellow was a non-venomous snake.  Very beautiful markings.  Quite tasty.

In closing, let me send my very best wishes to Ann D. in Round Rock.  Ann had a little accident the other day, but she is one tough gal and we know she will be back on her feet in the very near future.  We all wish you a speedy recovery, darling!  I look forward to speaking at your book club in September!  (Try to serve some lobster)

Vaya con dios, amigos y amigettes!  Have a safe and wonderful week…..    Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Resident and reptile reproductions attached!

 

 

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THE PIRATE’S PATH!

Hey, wait a minute, isn’t that the title of the second “Adam Gold Mystery?” (Actually, that was THE PIRATE PATH.)  Anyway, the reason I used this title in today’s post is because I recently returned from “pirate country” along the Texas coast.  In pursuit of fame and fortune, I ventured down to the charming coastal town of Port Lavaca, anxious to meet and greet some of my loyal fans.  (It was very hot down there, so there were plenty of fans!)  I gave a short discourse (did you folks sign up for “dis course?”) to a group of prominent citizens recently paroled and/or pardoned from the local penal institution.

Just kidding about the penal thing.  (Why does that sound dirty?)  I actually spoke at the Old Main Bookstore in nearby Palacios.  (Which is a Spanish word meaning “palacios.”)  Great cookies and wonderful coffee, and some very nice citizens.  Then it was off for another engagement in Port Lavaca, which has the good fortune of existing beside a lovely inlet on Matagorda Bay.  Aye, matey, it was a good place to discuss my book about pirate treasure, because this is where good old Jean Lafitte buried some of his loot!  (I dug up several flower beds, but alas, to no avail.)  Nevertheless, I got to use some lame pirate jokes and a few gags about “booty.”  (I think the audience was ready to bury me, instead of treasure!)

So what else be new?  Well, if you happen to subscribe to a French newspaper called “Herald de Paris,” (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?) then you might have seen the pleasant article written about RANSOM ON THE RHONE.  The reviewer was very kind, and she gave the book 4-stars, which was much appreciated.  (I tried to “purchase” the fifth star, but she wouldn’t budge.  Whoever heard of a French person refusing a bribe?)  Say levee, as they say down in New Orleans.

Looks like Greece is heading for bankruptcy.  Hard to believe that the country that invented the philosophy major could go bankrupt.  Their prime minister is still optimistic.  I heard him say that the country will bounce back. (They were just having a rough 2,000 years.)

What else happened recently?  Oh yes, same-sex marriage was approved by the Supreme Court.  (I don’t use the term “gay marriage,” because ALL marriage will make you miserable!  Or bankrupt!)  Jeez, I hope my wife doesn’t read this blog.  (She hasn’t read any of them yet!)  Anyway, in my view the main difference between gay marriage and straight marriage is that in the former nobody complains when you leave the toilet seat up!  Just saying, dear.

Hey, isn’t Bernie Sanders too old to become President?  A reporter asked him if he was on Instagram, and he said that he’s sticking with telegrams!  I’ve heard that he’s so old that his Homeowner Insurance covers fire, theft, and Indian raids!  Now that’s old.  (So are these jokes!)  I see that Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech in his high school’s gymnasium.  (Probably the longest amount of time he’s ever spent inside a gym!)  He was no doubt surrounded by dumb bells.  (Hey, I used to live in New York, so I’m allowed to make jokes about New Jersey!)

Since I’m being “crabby,” let me remind you of a great seafood restaurant down in Port Lavaca…  The place is called Art’s Fish House.  (A fellow named Art owns the place and they serve fish.)  That being said, order something called the “Big Pot.”  (No, this is not a Chris Christie joke.)  The dinner is a superb combo of shrimp, blue crab, and crawfish.  Yummy yummy.  (You can add something called “Dungeon crab,” or “Dungeness crab” for a few dollars extra.)

Well, my dear friends, I must leave you to your own devices.  Tonight is the semi-annual “Princess of Portugal Paella Party.”  I, being a world class bartender, am responsible for bringing several gallons of my famous “Faux Festival Sangria,” so I must be on my way to the taxidermy shop.  (I have a secret ingredient that they supply….  eye of newt extract!)  When you toast with my sangria, you’re supposed to say….  “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

I can’t “envision” a better way to end this blog, so I’m gone…..

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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CELEBRATION NATION!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!  Shall we begin with a trivia question?  All right, here we go…   Do they have a fourth of July in England?  (Keep in mind that we won our independence from the British.)  The answer?  Yes, they do!  In fact, they also have a July first, second, and third!  (Like everyone else.)  Since that was sort of a trick question, I will give you another…  Who was the oldest person to sign the Declaration of Independence?  (Answer:  Benny Franklin)  By the way, not to brag, but the first person to sign was John Hancock.  (The famous insurance salesman.)   Some folks think that it was Adam Gold!

If I was still living in New York, I’d be going to the hot dog eating contest sponsored by Nathan’s.  I’m kind of hungry this morning, but I don’t think I could beat the existing consumption record…..  68 hot dogs (plus the buns) in 10 minutes!  That may sound “hard to swallow,” but it’s true.  By the way, did you know that 1/3 of all the hot dogs in the U.S. come from Iowa?  I thought you might “relish” this information…

Speaking of hot dogs, did I mention that I won the Silver Medal in this year’s INDIEFAB Book of the Year Contest?  I am very grateful for the award, which represents one of the largest and most prestigious literary awards in the country.  THE SECOND MOURNING has now won 4 major literary awards in six months!  Without bribing any of the judges!  (Not that I didn’t try!)  Anyway, I was quite pleased and honored.  I don’t know what’s holding up that dang Pulitzer.

Hey, for all of you folks that may live in Austin or the surrounding area, there is a new boutique (for the ladies) opening up on Congress Avenue today.  It’s called THE COVE, and it features the most stunning outfits you will ever see, all at reasonable prices.  (It will also feature all of my mystery novels!)  The temporary location (they are building a brand new store on Congress Avenue) is at 108 Gibson Street, in the church behind Hotel San Jose.  Today is the summer “pop-up shop” opening, from 12 noon to 7 p.m.  Be there or be nowhere!  (I’ll be signing books from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m.)

For those of you anxiously awaiting news about the next “Adam Gold Mystery,” you might be thrilled to learn that book number five has been finished and is now in the hands of my most capable editor.  (Blind Lemon Lefkowitz.)  The book is titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  As the name suggests, it has something to do with equine insurance.  If you love horses or horse racing, then you will really enjoy this book.  The proposed date of publication is January, 2016.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  If you have a short fuse, do not play with fireworks.

Here’s a little fact that you will get a “bang” out of…..   Did you know that 99% of fireworks sold in the U.S. come from China?  (When they’re not making suits for Donald Trump.)  How the heck did we lose the firecracker market to those people?  I demand an investigation!  Never mind, the hot dogs are ready…..

Here’s hoping you and yours have a safe and happy 4th of July.  On a serious note, take a moment to think about our military, those serving and those who have served.  It is because of these folks, and their enormous sense of patriotism, that we remain the land of the free.  God bless them all!

And good tidings to the rest of you rascals…..   Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.  Lovely Caribbean photo attached!

 

 

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HAPPY DADDY’S DAY, Y’ALL!

GREETINGS FROM AUSTIN, TEXAS, …..  And if you happen to be one of those guys who self-identify as a father (a sly reference to Rachel Dolezal) allow me to wish you Happy Father’s Day!  Today, across America, two amazing things happen with shocking frequency…  First, children will call home, speak to their dads for twenty seconds, and then ask dad to put mom on the line.  Second, millions of fathers will soon receive one of the most ugly ties ever created.  Where, dear God, do these ties come from?  (My guess is not Brooks Bros. but Ringling Bros.)  If you have led a good life, you will get a work reprieve from your wife…. but I have something to say about that……….

Ladies, if a man says he will fix something around the house, he will.  There is no need to remind him every six months!

Since I’ve mentioned Rachel Dolezal (who will soon be starring in the new movie, “Fifty Shades of Black”) allow me to share my thoughts about the situation…  I had the pleasure of watching her interview on the “Today” show, but I don’t think she’s learned her lesson.  (She spent the first hour pretending to be Al Roker!)  During the interview she said that she drew pictures of herself with a brown crayon, instead of a peach-colored crayon.  Peach did not “appeal” to her.  She referred to that color as “the pits.”  (Relax, I have no more fruit jokes!)

However, just for the record, when I was a kid my parents were always telling me to get lost… so I drew myself with invisible ink!  (Hey, that was better than another fruit pun!)

Speaking of ink…..  Donald Trump is getting a lot of free press after his big announcement.  (He’s running for President again.)  Trump wasted no time getting down to business.  He demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate!  He also promised to be the best job-creator that God ever made.  (I’d feel better about that if his motto wasn’t “You’re fired!”)  Oh well, if he doesn’t get the nomination he can always put on a little more spray tan and run for president of the Spokane NAACP!

And since we’re on the subject of tans…..  my trip down to the Caribbean has begun to pay handsome dividends.  I am proud to report that RANSOM ON THE RHONE is the number one best-selling mystery on the lovely isle of St. Thomas.  Number two on St. John.  (Nobody reads on St. Croix… too windy.)

Due to popular demand (from a blog follower in Siberia) I shall attempt to post some stunningly gorgeous photographs from my recent voyage to the American Virgin Islands.  I do hope you like them.  (You can purchase copies at the bookstore or at any Post Office.)

Accordingly, I shall leave you with one final thought…  as I quote the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln…..  “Don’t believe everything that you read on the Internet.”   Verily, I say unto thee, go forth and have a wonderful (and safe) week.  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

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FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM!

Frankly my dear, winning a major book award is ALWAYS a charming experience, but winning four of them is a bit overwhelming.  Nevertheless, my non-fiction history book, THE SECOND MOURNING, has just been chosen as a FINALIST in the “History United States” Category in the 2015 INTERNATIONAL BOOK AWARDS!

This year’s contest attracted a large number of entries, over 12oo books from around the globe, many of them written by best-selling authors with very familiar names.  I have no idea how I was chosen for this honor, but as my dentist likes to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth!

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I am back in Austin, Texas.  My recent book tour/dive trip/rum sampling was a complete success.  (Sold some  books and no arrests.)  I’d like to thank our St. John hosts, the Princess of Portugal and Baron Lee, for their generous hospitality.  We had a marvelous week on the island, and I intend to return their silverware in the very near future!  (The next time I’m down in the Caribbean.)

Hey, what did you think about my little pony?  (American Pharoah)  I noticed this horse before the Kentucky Derby and I had a hunch that he could go all the way.  Interestingly, I used to live near Belmont Race Track, and I saw Seattle Slew win in 1977 and Affirmed in 1978.  (In fact, I got married in 1978, which turned out to be a “sure bet” on my part!)  Coincidentally, I’ve just finished a new “Adam Gold” mystery, titled, A RUN FOR THE MONEY.  (The story deals with equine insurance fraud.)  Good timing on my part, eh?

Speaking of good timing, I returned home to find my mug plastered on the front page of the Four Points News.  Accompanied, I might add, by a well-written article about my numerous awards, courtesy of Sarah Doolittle, a charming and talented reporter.  Thanks for the kind words, Sarah!  (Next time we should use a photo of Brad Pitt!)

I also noticed that folks are talking about Bruce Jenner’s recent transformation.  I don’t know much about sex change operations, but I’m glad my wife is paying attention to the story.  (Maybe we can have “sex for a change!”)  I know, I know, don’t hold my breath.

By the way, some of you have inquired about the losing horses in the Belmont Stakes.  I’m not sure about this, but I think that some of them end up in a different kind of steak.  In any case, I would avoid Arby’s for a while.  (I hate to sound like a “nag,” but you never know.)

Speaking of changes (i.e., Bruce Jenner) I would like to inform my blog followers that due to an intense travel schedule (three more book tours this summer!) my Sunday blog, starting today, will be posted every other Sunday until the fall.  I am not running out of lame jokes, but between writing, traveling, rum consumption, and book tours, my head is spinning!  (What goes around comes around, but not in this case!)

If you experience “blog withdrawal,” take heart!  I am now negotiating with a publisher who seems interested in producing a book of my humorous posts.  (There were a few of them!)  I’m not sure if I’ll proceed with this project, but only because I have just started a brand new non-fiction history book.  These history books are very time consuming, so I might hold off on the blog book for a while.  In any case, if you miss my humor, check out a guy named Mark Twain.  He writes well, but he’s not as funny as me.

Well, that’s about it for now, amigos.  I do hope you have a marvelous week. I shall (starting today) post a few photographs from my recent Caribbean adventure.  Please forgive me, if I post any nude shots.  (Trust me, they won’t be photos of me!)  Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS…

On this Sunday, my thoughts and prayers are with the good people of Texas, who have recently suffered through a series of devastating floods.  Due to the loss of life, and massive destruction in my beloved state, I do not think it would be appropriate to write my usual (somewhat comedic) blog.  Instead, I would just ask you to keep the residents of the Lone Star State (and other states) in your thoughts and prayers, too.

Also, my sincere condolences to the Vice President and his family.  As I’m sure you know, Beau Biden recently died of brain cancer.  Mr. Biden was a devout Catholic, an Iraq war veteran, and one hell of a father.  We should all, regardless of our political affiliation, be saddened by the loss of this fine man.  Thank you for your service to our country, Mr. Biden.  May you rest in peace.

Finally, I want to say “thank you” to the hundreds of very kind blog followers who remembered my birthday on May 29th.  Your sweet emails made my week!

Well, that’s about it for now.   Have a safe and happy week, and we will meet again next Sunday.  (Under more joyous circumstances!)

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

 

PILATES OF THE CARIBBEAN!

Would you believe that I have “exercised” my freedom and returned to the lovely island of St. John?  Well, it’s true, me buckoos, the old swashbuckler (me) has returned to the Caribbean for another seafaring adventure!  The first mate and I are staying in a palatial estate overlooking Chocolate Hole, named for the color of the water just below the cliff.  The view and the digs are simply gorgeous, and we even have our own pool.  (Which we share with a friendly brown pelican.)

The turquoise ocean is swarming with seagulls, and the bay is swarming with…..  bay gulls.  (You just knew where that was going, right?)  The bay gulls are sort of lazy.  They just “lox” around all day.  To me, they are like my children.   ( Once you feed them, you’re stuck with them!)  Ah well, I’m too young to be an empty-nester.

Back to the exercise thing…..  Here, for your reading pleasure, is my daily itinerary…  Up at dawn, use the bathroom, back to bed, rise at nine a.m., use the bathroom, eat a gourmet breakfast, use the bathroom, drive to the beach (there are 20 to choose from!) swim and snorkel, eat a light lunch (or substitute with rum & cola) take a short nap, use the bathroom, make believe I’m not staring at the girls in those tiny bikinis, swim some more, dry off, go home, get dressed, go out for dinner, drink some more rum, use the bathroom, go to bed, and then repeat in morning!

I know exactly what you’re thinking.  When does this man have time to write his award-winning books?  I have begun to ask myself that same question.  Did it ever dawn on you that I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom?  (No, I do not have a prostrate problem.)  I thought a prostrate was a woman who took money for sex!  (Actually, most of those naughty ladies do end up prostrate, but that’s another story.)  Where was I?

Oh yes, I remember…  the writing stuff.  Well, let’s put it this way, if experience is the best teacher, then I have been learning a lot, and sooner or later, it will show up in another book.  (I mention this, so that I can deduct this trip on next year’s tax return!)  By the way, we are staying with the Princess of Portugal, and her tax-dodging husband, Baron Lee Von Bomblatus.  They are great hosts, and very wealthy, so I leave my wallet at home.  (Well, that’s what I told them!)  We actually go “Dutch.”  (I only pay when we go to the Dutch side of St. Maarten!)  So far, we’ve been able to avoid that island!

For those of you who do not subscribe to the New York Times, (and let’s face it, who the hell would?) they were kind enough to reprint a news blurb about my recent award.  I won’t bore you with all of the details (again) but I recently won the gold medal presented by the 9th Annual 2015 National Indie Excellence Award.  My book, THE SECOND MOURNING, was chosen as the best history book of the year, and I am very grateful to the judges for this wonderful honor.  The NIEA competition is fierce, and there were many great books this year.  So once again, thanks for the memories!  (and the lovely prize!)

In closing, if I may, I would like to remind everyone of something far more important than writing and blogging.  I would like to publicly thank all of the brave men and women who have served in our nation’s military.  I am smart enough to understand that NOTHING I do would be possible without the sacrifice that our veterans have made.  Thank you all for your service to our country!  We love you, respect you, and honor your deeds on our behalf.  May God bless all of our veterans this Memorial Day.

Finally, to my loyal blog followers, I would remind you to have some fun this weekend, even if your in-laws are coming over the house for a barbecue!  Please keep in mind the words of my high school psychologist, who once said to me, “You’re responding nicely to therapy.  You can sit up the next time we meet.”   (Hey, in my opinion, “normal” is just a setting on the dryer!)  Have a great weekend.

Love to all,

Doc Yanoff

 

P.S.   Just to make you jealous, I will attach a photograph of me “in my office.”

 

 

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